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Posted: 9/25/2001 8:23:03 PM EDT
Hijackers surprised to find selves in Hell "We expected eternal paradise for this" say suicide bombers JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS-The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell. "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?" The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face. According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival. "There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday." "Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes. "I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake." Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting. "It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun." Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.
Link Posted: 9/25/2001 8:31:33 PM EDT
ROTFLMAO
Link Posted: 9/25/2001 8:36:44 PM EDT
That made my day!
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 12:39:05 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Katman: Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.
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Upper Management has decided to handle these cases all at once at a later date for efficient processing, rather than on a case by case basis.
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 12:49:30 AM EDT
LOL. You have a gift for words....
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 3:28:14 AM EDT
You owe me a new keyboard!
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 4:12:32 AM EDT
Inshallah! Eric The(AllahWillsIt!)Hun[>]:)]
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 5:06:23 AM EDT
OH SH!T- make it STOP- my sides are hurting!!!!
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 5:11:51 AM EDT
I laughed until tears came to my eyes. Beautiful, man, just beautiful.
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 6:11:58 AM EDT
[url]http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html[/url]
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 6:38:21 AM EDT
This reminds me of Hitler, wearing a French maid outfit, getting pineapple shoved up his ass by Satan everyday at 1600 in the movie "Little Nicky."
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 7:06:42 PM EDT
That is a nice thought isn't it? All I can picture is that bully from the simpson going " HAha!!"
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 7:26:46 PM EDT
Oh well, I needed to clean my display screen anyway....
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 8:49:50 PM EDT
Originally Posted By platform389:
Originally Posted By Katman: Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.
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Upper Management has decided to handle these cases all at once at a later date for efficient processing, rather than on a case by case basis.
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Last I heard, they brought in some guys from the Stygian Consultation Co. With all of the resources wasted in immediate criminal eradications, it seems the big boys have finally brought in the big guns. It was either them or Malebolge Multiprocessing, but ever since the Julius Caesar scandal of 922A.D., the latter was obviously voted as an unwise choice.
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 9:05:13 PM EDT
"Vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord" Hebrews 10 " It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God!" Mt 12:36"But I tell you that men will have to give account for every careless word they have spoken".
Link Posted: 9/26/2001 9:30:06 PM EDT
Originally Posted By grimshaw: "Vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord" Hebrews 10 " It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God!" Mt 12:36"But I tell you that men will have to give account for every careless word they have spoken".
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Grimshaw, What a joker!
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