Posted: 2/23/2007 9:04:41 AM EDT
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How many believers does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic: Only 1-- Hands are already in the air. Pentecostal: 10- One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None- Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic: None- Candles only. Baptists: At least 15- One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad, fried chicken and casseroles Episcopalians: 3- One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was. Mormons: 5- One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence Methodists: Undetermined-- Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass. Nazarene: 6- One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None-- Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish:-- What's a light bulb? |
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A faithful but materialistic man attended services every Sunday. One Sunday the pastor told the congregation the church would be conducting remodeling, and they would appreciate volunteers. The man, a painter by trade, went home that afternoon and thought about it for several days before he finally called the pastor later that week. "Pastor," the member said, "I have decided to volunteer. But I cannot afford to buy the materials. I do, however, have all my own tools and my own spray rig, as I am a painter by trade." The pastor cradled the phone to his ear and reviewed the church budget before answering. "Well, we do need the outside of the church painted. Unfortunately, we will not have enough funds to pay you for your services after we buy the materials. However, if you do buy the materials and there are funds left over, you may keep those." The painter was depressed as he had hoped to make a little by volunteering his time, but he had committed himself and was now in a bind. "Very well," he sighed to the pastor, "I will paint it for free and keep anything left over from the materials." After saying goodbye, the man went to the church and picked up the remaining church funds and headed to the paint store where he began to gather primer and paint. Still upset that he would gain nothing from this job, he noticed a discount section in the paint store and walked over. There in the corner was an old, generic brand of very cheap paint for less than half he would have had to spend on the good paint he originally intended on buying. Hmm, he mused to himself, if I buy this cheap paint instead of the good paint, I can save some money on materials and give myself a little bit of money! But upon further inspection, there wasn't enough discount paint to complete the job. Well, he thought, I could always thin it out a little. Who would know? Then I would save some on both the quality and the quantity, and I can pocket a little more! So he loaded up all the paint and headed to the primer. To his dismay, there was no discounted primer to be had at all, but this got him to thinking again: If I buy only half the primer I really need and thin that, too, I can really make a killing on this job! I deserve it. I'm a faithful parishoner, I work hard, and who is going to know I cheated a little here and there? I deserve this money! So the painter bought the paint and primer, pocketed the leftover funds, and left for home. The following Saturday morning was a beautiful, warm day with no clouds, the birds singing, and spring in the air. T'was a good day to paint decided the painter, so off he went to the church. Once there, he thinned out all the primer just so he had enough, and sprayed the entire church. Then, taking the generic paint, he thinned that out as well and sprayed the church once the primer had dried. Admiring his inginuity and considering how he would spend the money he had made off the church that day, he sat on the grass and gave thanks to the beautiful, blue, warm sky. Suddenly, without warning, a huge and dark thundercloud appeared over the church and let loose with a downpour the likes he had never seen! The rain engulfed the church, washing the fresh paint and the still-new primer completely off the building and onto the grass below. There were no other clouds anywhere to be seen, just the thundercloud hovering over the church, now empty of its rain. The man immediately knew this was a sign from God, and hit hit his knees and clasped his hands. "Lord," he screamed, "I have sinned! What must I do to make this right?" From the cloud a deep and booming voice replied. The voice of God said: "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!!!!" 
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Oh, well. I was just trying to poke some lighthearted fun at ourselves by a joke that is taken off of very obvious stereotypes (no lightbulbs for Catholics? I guess I'll gave to get rid of the fluorescent one over my computer desk. "Hey, wife? Can you get me some pure beeswax candles the next time you run to the store? I can't see my keyboard.") I fear it will just degenerate into something wholly other than lighthearted fun in the GD. |
