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Posted: 1/21/2001 1:46:54 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/21/2001 1:47:36 PM EDT by Ma$e]
well guys heres a chance to rack up some post. just start tellin some jokes. A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:50:28 PM EDT
Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down. As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom, the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down right across from her and looks her right in the eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Needless to say, the woman is appaulled. The man notices the boyfriend coming back so he returns to his bar stool. As the boyfriend sits down, his girlfriend tells him frantically, "that man at the bar said he wanted to suck my nipples raw." Well the boyfriend gets pissed and stands up like he's getting ready to beat the shit out of this guy. "Hold on honey, there's more," the girlfriend says. "What is it?!" the boyfriend asks. His girlfriend says, "He also said he wanted to fill my pussy up with Tequila and sip it out with a straw." Her boyfriend then sits back down in his seat. Angrily, his girlfriend says, "Well aren't you going to do anything?!?!?!" Her boyfriend replies, "Honey, I'm not messing with any man who can drink that much Tequila."
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:51:40 PM EDT
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1st: Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old! 2nd man: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret? 1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So the second old man rushed to the store. Clerk: May I help you? Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole wheat bread, please. Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:52:33 PM EDT
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here". The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!". The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I told you, no drunks allowed, now get out!!!". The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many fuckin' bars do you work at, anyway?"
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:55:05 PM EDT
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your dicks and hand it in with my sons. I will be sitting over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your dicks back. After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I got the donkey's receipt !!!"
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:56:06 PM EDT
The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married. The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.' Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last. God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:56:54 PM EDT
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury two men there?'
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:57:43 PM EDT
Q: How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? A: It's the one with bite marks on the cap.
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:58:32 PM EDT
What's a woman and KFC got in common? Once you've finished with the breasts and thighs you've only got the greasy bucket to put your bone in!
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 1:59:09 PM EDT
Possible Titles for Monica Lewinsky's Next Book: Deep Inside The Oral Office What Really Goes Down In The White House Secret Services to the President Going Down and Moving Up How I Blew It In Washington Me and My Big Mouth
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:00:27 PM EDT
Guy walks into a bar, says, "does anybody own a six foot penguin?" Everybody goes no. He says, "Oh my god, I just hit a Nun!"
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:01:34 PM EDT
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them. St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:02:42 PM EDT
From 15 to 20, women are like Africa - Part virgin and part explored. From 21 to 35, women are like Asia- Hot and exotic. From 35 to 45, they are like the United States - Fully explored and free with their resources. From 45 to 55, they are like Europe - Exhausted, but still interesting in places. From 55 on, they are like Australia - Everybody knows it's down there , but nobody cares very much.
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:03:22 PM EDT
Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the side every night when he goes to sleep? Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole if he left it up
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:04:05 PM EDT
What do you call a smart blonde?? An oxymoron.
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:06:15 PM EDT
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very friendly game." The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton. "Unreal," Clinton said, "But it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Trust me!" he said. "One of them is a cannibal."
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:07:34 PM EDT
A guy goes to hell and the devil says to him, "You see before you three doors which lead to three separate rooms. You must choose to go through just one and you will spend the rest of eternity in that room." Worried that he will choose the wrong door, the man persuades Satan to let him have a little peek behind each door before making his final decision. Behind the first door, everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Behind the second door everyone is standing on their heads on a stone floor. Behind the third door everyone is standing in a room with manure up to their ankles and drinking coffee. He decided to choose the third. He tells the devil his choice and is ushered inside. A few moments later the devil opens the door and shouts, "OK, coffee break's over, back on your heads."
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:10:07 PM EDT
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize. The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?" And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:11:32 PM EDT
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.' The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my turn to kick you.' The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:12:36 PM EDT
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:13:43 PM EDT
There are five men flying on a plane. The pilot, the president of the United States, Jessie Jackson, the Pope, and a 12 year old kid. The pilot warns the passengers that they have little gas left. The pilot grabs one of the four parachutes. The President says that he has to lead the country. So, he grabs the second bag. Jessie Jackson says that he has to lead the black people and grabs the third bag. The Pope tells the kid that he's had a long life and that the kid should go because he has a long life ahead of him. The kid says that there are still two parachutes left. The Pope, in astonishment, asks how. The 12 year old kid says that Jesse Jackson took his backpack.
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:16:22 PM EDT
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.". Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now some what agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:19:09 PM EDT
A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!" ("Spit it out ya wee bastard!")
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:20:23 PM EDT
What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? An interpreter.
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:22:10 PM EDT
There was this little boy that lived in the country. One day he walked through a farmers yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer asked, "Where you going boy?" The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me a duck." The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a duck with duck tape." The little boy continued to walk on, and a little later the boy came back through with 2 ducks under his arm. The farmer just looked at him in amazement. The same boy came back through the same farmers yard the next day with chicken wire under his arm and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now boy?" The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken". The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with chicken wire!" The little boy continued on his way, and a little later the boy came back with a chicken under his arm and the farmer just stood in awe. The same boy came through the same farmers yard the next day with a bunch of pussy willows under his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna ask. I know what your going after, and I'm going with you!"
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:23:08 PM EDT
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 2:24:34 PM EDT
Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernals
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 3:30:23 PM EDT
A tourist goes to Vegas. First night he wins $500. So he goes out and finds a hooker. "I'd like a blow job", he says. The hooker says, "$200." "$200 for a blow job?! Thats outrageous!" The hooker sys, "You see that BMW in the parking lot? I own that car, because I've got the best blow job in Vegas." So he pays, and he is not disappointed. Second night he wins $1,000. So he runs out and finds the same hooker. "Tonight I'd like it Greek." "That'll be $500. You see that condominium over there? I own that condo because I've got the finest ass in Vegas." So he pays, and he's not disappointed. Third night he wins $5,000. So he goes and finds the same hooker. "Tonight, I think I'll just have me a little pussy." "You see that shopping center over there?" "Don't tell me you own that too??!!" And the hooker says, "No, but I would... [size=4][b]if I had a [u][red]pussy[/u][/red]!"[/b][/size=4]
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 3:31:12 PM EDT
Just cracking yourself up aint ya?[shotgun]
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 3:44:56 PM EDT
Just cracking yourself up aint ya?[shotgun]
View Quote
Well, it appears to be open season for smut these days, and it is one of my favorites...[:)]
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 6:03:09 PM EDT
keep em comming that was a good one bigdb1 hehe
Link Posted: 1/21/2001 9:56:07 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/22/2001 9:14:54 PM EDT
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, the twin objects of desire hanging free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars."
Link Posted: 1/22/2001 10:07:30 PM EDT
You're locked in a room with a lawyer and a rattle snake. You have a handgun with 2 bullets, what do you shoot first? You shoot the lawyer twice.
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