Posted: 6/9/2006 1:11:28 PM EDT
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"  |
What you got the same email?  How about this one? WHY ITALIANS SHOULDN'T BE PARAMEDICS Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay... now what ?" |
They are both worth repeating!
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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge (Aimless) asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." Danny 
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Well you are doing very well for your age  I half way believed it at first!
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| Two Al-Qaeda operatives slip into the country separately. They meet at a pre-arranged spot in New York City. As they approach each other, one blurts out "Allah akbar!" The other immediately responds "Idiot! You're going to blow our cover! This is America! Speak Spanish!" |
 I feel pretty good too!
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Glad to hear it 
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I just heard this one today..... The father was at the local drugstore with his young son, when the son spied some condoms behind the counter.... "Daddy, what are those?" "Well, son, those are for when men want to be close to their women" So the son says..."Why is there a 3 pack?" "Well, those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Daddy, why are there six packs of condoms?" "Those are for college boys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "And the twelve pack , Daddy, who uses those?" "Well, son, those are for married people. One for January, one for February......" ....I thought it was humorous.
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Here is the daddy long leg joke: A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied." What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, it might be OK in California or Vermont but we're not having any of that crap in Texas." |
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When Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." |
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no no i stole it from you!! 
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