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Posted: 4/2/2006 12:17:30 PM EDT
Buddy of mine posted this on another board and I died laughing.


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes...
Last weekend I saw something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-- it's way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing. I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions ( men don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular! model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing. I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop. Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burned spot on the face of her microwave was.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy! " reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the **** of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! D..... N!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-GUN that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were across the room. How did they get over there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

Never Touchin' the Taser Again!



Link Posted: 4/2/2006 12:27:46 PM EDT
One of the unwritten rules of ARFCOM......if you got it in an email it is a dupe.
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 6:23:07 AM EDT
Holy crap!

It's always a "friend" isn't it GeorgiaBII?
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 6:37:31 AM EDT
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 6:41:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By krpind:
One of the unwritten rules of ARFCOM......if you got it in an email it is a dupe.



+1
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 6:44:32 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 4/3/2006 6:44:55 AM EDT by pattymcn]
At the Police Academy my partner and I were suppose to hit each other with our tazers. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My partner refused to hit me so I have no experience of what it felt like. He went down fast and was out for 2-3 minutes.
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 6:47:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By xinflt:

Originally Posted By krpind:
One of the unwritten rules of ARFCOM......if you got it in an email it is a dupe.



+1



+2
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 6:50:27 AM EDT
Patty, please define "out" for the 2-3 minutes.

As a TASER instructor, I'm calling Bravo Sierra, here...all due respect, Patty.

Oh, and to the original poster...2004 called...they want their dupe back.

Best regards,
Bailagent100
Link Posted: 4/3/2006 8:18:41 AM EDT

Originally Posted By bailagent100:
Patty, please define "out" for the 2-3 minutes.

As a TASER instructor, I'm calling Bravo Sierra, here...all due respect, Patty.

Oh, and to the original poster...2004 called...they want their dupe back.

Best regards,
Bailagent100



Lets see, he was knocked fully unconscious and hit the ground. I tried to assist him going down and probably reduced the impact some. It was very ackward though. He was unresponsive for a while and then dazed for a while. I think [and mind you I didn't time it - just witnessed it] he was "out" for about 2-3 minutes.

I was at the academy in 1988. I still have my tazer - I believe it was 50K volts.

Patty
Link Posted: 4/5/2006 5:11:04 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 4/5/2006 5:13:26 PM EDT by KCMojo]

Originally Posted By GeorgiaBII:
Buddy of mine posted this on another board and I died laughing.



May be a dupe, but thanks for reposting. LMAO

15+ years ago we hit our Dorm roomate with a $10- 9Volt battery version. You are right. I would not have hit a dog, but Jeff.... whole nother story. Not nearly as effective as today's models im sure. Especially for 10-. Yet it did arc between the studs, scramble an alarm clock, and burn holes in his sheets. No he was not asleep. We laughed too much before we hit him.

Don't be too judgemental. He got hit with the taser, I got hit by a car.

Jeff if you are out there. I still owe you another beer for that one.
- Barbwire

Ahhh good days.
Link Posted: 4/6/2006 6:40:52 AM EDT
Of course it's an oldie and a dupe but damn it it's funny.


I swear the people that spend all their time yelling DUPE!! need to go get laid. or at LEAST a blow job.
Link Posted: 4/6/2006 6:58:32 AM EDT
I can't tell you how many times I've sat around with one of those older models with a 9 volt battery in it tempted to zap myself with it just to see what will happen. So far I've resisted the urge. I don't handle pain well so maybe after reading that I will stick with tempting fate in less painful ways.
Link Posted: 4/6/2006 6:59:10 AM EDT

Originally Posted By pattymcn:
At the Police Academy my partner and I were suppose to hit each other with our tazers. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My partner refused to hit me so I have no experience of what it felt like. He went down fast and was out for 2-3 minutes.



Note to self: When ordered to taze partner, don't hesitate.
Link Posted: 4/6/2006 7:01:49 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 4/6/2006 7:04:24 AM EDT by madmann135]
Even though I read it last year and I've gone through my laughing phase of it... It's still funny.

I still find it hard to believe that the tazer he used was powered by nothing more than 2, 1.5V, AA or AAA batteries. I saw some powered by 1 9v battery.

Still those little buggers pack one heck of a wollop, I've seen them in action and am glad I've yet to have one used on me, fortunately.


Oddly enough... I get one I'm probably going to be the first one to be tazed by it. I'm a bit of a glutton, hope it's not dangerous.
Link Posted: 4/6/2006 7:22:29 AM EDT
Awesome! I've only seen this same exact post 87 times!
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