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Posted: 3/26/2006 9:30:59 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/26/2006 9:31:35 AM EDT by GlockandRoll]
1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

2. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

3. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

4. Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

5. upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

6. Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

7. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

8. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

9. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

10. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

11. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's [censored] beef.

12. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer [censored] hates lemonade.

13. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

14. Jack Bauer is the 'I' in team.

15 When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.

16. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

17. Its no use crying over spilt milk...Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

18. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that [censored] went to the hospital first.

19. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

20. Jack Bauer played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

21. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

22. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

23. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

24. Osama Bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

25. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

26. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

27. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

28. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

29. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

30. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

31. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

32. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better [censored] do it.

33. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

34. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

35. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time…Wait…that is a real fact.

36. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl…by himself.

37. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

38. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

39. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

40. on a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

41. during the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

42. in 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the [censored] have you done with your life?

43. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

44. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

45. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

46. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

47. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

48. If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

50. Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

51. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

52. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

53. If Jack Bauer was gay his name would be Chuck Norris.

54. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

55. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

56. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

57. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

58. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

59. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

60. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

61. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
Link Posted: 3/26/2006 10:04:53 AM EDT
Jack is badass but he has nothing on Chuck Norris
Link Posted: 3/26/2006 11:34:13 AM EDT
Chuck Norris would kill Jack Bauer 87 times.
Link Posted: 3/26/2006 11:40:22 AM EDT

Originally Posted By GlockandRoll:
2. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

3. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

4. Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

6. Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

9. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

13. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

14. Jack Bauer is the 'I' in team.

17. Its no use crying over spilt milk...Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

19. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

23. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

24. Osama Bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

25. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

26. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

28. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

29. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

36. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl…by himself.

39. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

40. on a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

45. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

46. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

48. If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

50. Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

51. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

54. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

55. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

56. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

60. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.



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