Step-by-step instructions for surviving the smirk
What you need:
A group of four taxpayers: one white guy wearing a suit, two people wearing jeans -- one in a work shirt, the other in a dark shirt -- and one person wearing rags. (Stitched-together washcloths are nice.) All four taxpayers are grouped around a cocktail table within sight of the television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.
One shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own and places it on the table. Suit picks one first. Then Work Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit takes the last one as well, and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top scissored off.
5 bucks apiece, everybody antes.
One fondue pot with two packages of Li'l Smokies stewing in barbecue sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from Texas. Surrounded by:
100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.
A large stash of beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff you can find, like Old Milwaukee Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he asks for; the jeans get to pick their favorite domestic brand, but they are required to pay for all the beer and the Li'l Smokies.
Rules of the Game.
1. Whenever George W uses the phrases: "national security," "tax relief," "activist judges," or "affordable health care," drink two shots of beer.
2. Whenever George W mentions the tragic events of 9/11, the last person to grab a toothpick, stand, and salute must drink three shots of beer. If you stab yourself in forehead with the toothpick, drink two more shots.
3. If George W actually says, "If Al Qaeda is calling you, we want to know why." first person to finish a whole beer gets to toss Li'l Smokies at any of the others until they finish their beer. Use the toothpicks.
4. If George W makes up a word like "strategerie" or "deteriorize," drink four shots of beer.
5. If George W speaks of Hamas and repeats his earlier statement that "it's good to see people are demanding honest leadership," the first person to stop laughing gets to drink one shot of beer then pummel Suit with empty shot glass. No head shots.
6. Whenever George W talks about bi-partisanship, the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has to eat 4 Li'l Smokies.
7. If either the Vice President Dick Cheney or First Lady Laura Bush are caught napping, last person to sing "Wake Up Little Susie, Wake Up," has to drink three shots of beer.
8. Predict the number of applause breaks. Person closest to correct number may then force the other three to drink that number of shots of beer in whatever ratio they wish.
9. Three shots of beer if he mentions New Orleans. Five shots of beer if he mentions Brownie. Two full beers if he mentions Abramoff.
10. Every time Tom DeLay is shown in the audience, take turns throwing Li'l Smokies at the TV. Suit sits out. First face hit doesn't have to drink two shots of beer. Every time Hillary Clinton is shown in the audience, Suit throws Li'l Smokies at the TV. If he hits her face, everyone else drinks two shots of beer. Use the toothpicks.
11. Whenever George W quotes the Bible, last person to fall to their knees and cry "Hallelujah!" drinks two shots of beer.
12. Whenever George W smirks during a standing ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double time if his shoulders shake with silent laughter.
Whoever can correctly identify in advance the person giving the Democratic Response doesn't have to watch it.
Suit gets to kick Rags hard, once, if George W uses a heartfelt story of a pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to illustrate a point. Twice if the regulation of large cardboard boxes is mentioned as a security precaution. Rags gets 15 seconds to kick the Suit if Bush reveals the subject of the anecdote is in the audience. 30 seconds if he or she is sitting next to Harriet Miers. 1 full minute if she's sitting next to an astronaut.
Suit takes home $20.
Leftover beer, Li'l Smokies and fondue pot go home with Rags.