Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 2
Posted: 1/30/2006 1:38:08 PM EDT
This could not be more funny if it were written as a comedy! Be sure to read all seven pages, it's better
than you may think, this guy is a LOSER!!!
www.crimelibrary.com/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.html
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 1:42:50 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/30/2006 1:44:09 PM EDT by Typical_Infidel]
I hate him cause he runs like a girl.

And he's no Chuck Norris
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 1:44:06 PM EDT
Meh, his first 3 movies were pretty solid in that "hang your brain at the door and just have fun" kind of way.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 1:54:11 PM EDT
From page: 5 'The Pitch'

If the tale of Steven Seagal's entanglement with the Italian-American Mafia were presented as a pitch for a movie, it would go something like this: Smart, good-looking, tall and trim HERO. A trained killer and former soldier of fortune, black belt in several deadly martial arts. Can kill with his eyelashes if necessary. Hero is targeted by MOBSTERS who try to shake him down for large sum of money. The mob's point man is a short, weasely JOE PESCI TYPE. But our hero is as righteous as he is taciturn. He tries to solve things peacefully by going to an HONORABLE OLD MOBSTER, but this man is an old-style "man of honor" and he can't talk reason with the gang of bad mobsters. After trashing and smashing a passel of mob underlings, the clever hero manages to outmaneuver the bad mobsters in court, using his quick wits and ingenious verbal combat techniques. The bad mobsters are found guilty and sent to jail for a very long time. Hero walks out of courtroom head held high, free from mob extortion and death threats. At the bottom of the courthouse steps, he links arms with the SHAPELY MOB PRINCESS who sees the shallow worthlessness of her former life and salivates to live in the Hero's righteous glow.

That's the movie version, and perhaps this is emblematic of the heightened reality that Steven Seagal lived during his Hollywood career. Yakuza, drug lords, CIA assassins, black ops, rogue cops—the screen versions blended and blurred with the "facts" that Seagal presented to the public. Then he got involved with the real deal and found that made members of La Cosa Nostra are not as romantic or honorable as their celluloid counterparts, and they don't take direction.

What Seagal failed to realize is that the Mafia is concerned with only one thing: money. They are not "men of honor," and they only do the right thing when it does right by them. As the FBI undercover tapes have shown, the mobsters were significantly less impressed with Seagal than he apparently was with them. Celebrities who pal around with mobsters for the bad-guy cache soon learn that this kind of friendship has a price tag, and often it's a running tab that's never satisfied. Fame means nothing to the mob, only fortune. Or as the fictional Michael Corleone, played by Al Pacino, says in the Godfather, "It's not personal ... It's strictly business."
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 1:55:07 PM EDT
How can you call someone a loser and describe that you hate that person.... when you have never met him and, worse, all you know about him comes from the screen, the press, and the internet!
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 1:58:55 PM EDT
he can kick Chuck Norris's ass!
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:00:52 PM EDT
I think Chuck would win.... but by a narrow margin
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:01:07 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:11:57 PM EDT
Steven Seagal is a fatass who can no longer lift his leg to do a kick! He has always run like a little girl, now he runs like a fat girl if he can run at all.

Lately he has been making more bad movies (direct to dvd release) and some seriously bad country music. A local country artist who writes for many major artist, Charlie Allen is a friend of mine. Seagal has hired Allen to work with him on producing a few albums. I heard the early stuff. Seagal sings worse than he acts.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:16:25 PM EDT

Originally Posted By stator:
How can you call someone a loser and describe that you hate that person.... when you have never met him and, worse, all you know about him comes from the screen, the press, and the internet!



For one, he is a total poser... I know for a fact that he makes claims about his martial arts that are outlandish, and now he plays guitar?

He was invited to James Burton's international guitar festival in Shreveport... he didn't show, but did a teleconference appearance. From what I heard it was the same thing as the movie "Fire down below", where he as on stage playing, and then went into a solo and the camera zoomed in, but onto someone else's hands playing guitar.

Besides... this is a transcript from court TV, not exactly made up like a tabloid.

Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:16:34 PM EDT

Originally Posted By dvr9:
...Seagal sings worse than he acts.



Is that even possible?!?!?
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:17:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By HardShell:

Originally Posted By dvr9:
...Seagal sings worse than he acts.



Is that even possible?!?!?



He still sings better than Russel Crowe though.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:19:42 PM EDT
I think Steven and Chuck suck evenly.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:22:47 PM EDT

Originally Posted By linebaugh500:
he can kick Chuck Norris's ass!



Respectfully, I would like to inform you that Chuch Norris has a verifiable MMA record. In fact, when he went to Brazil to try Vale Tudo, he was so badly beaten that humilty sparked interest, and he helped get the Machado's established here in Texas.

In fact, Chuck is now one of Carlos Machado's brown belts, and I hear he takes it very seriously.

Has segal ever even been in a fight, whereas the words 'action' and 'cut' did not start and end it?
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:28:04 PM EDT
I've saw this greasy little asshole in New Orleans a couple of times at Mardi Gras. Definitly not scared, he's a little poser for sure.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:28:21 PM EDT

Originally Posted By adair_usmc:

Originally Posted By HardShell:

Originally Posted By dvr9:
...Seagal sings worse than he acts.



Is that even possible?!?!?



He still sings better than Russel Crowe though.



I actually bought a Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunt (Crowe's band) CD when I worked at Circuit City. He needs to be tried for crimes against humanity for that abomination.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:38:07 PM EDT
Seagal exploded. "I'm not on trial here! ... This is crazy."

Seagal lost it. "This is insane," he blurted angrily. "Insane!"


roffle
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:39:49 PM EDT
I just rented his last movie, (at least I think it is), Black Dawn. I give it a 5 out of ten.

Segal has gotten so fat we couldn't believe it. Big ol fat jowls. They had his girdle so tight that he waddled! He just flat looked.....unnatural! I was pretty disapointed in the movie too. No continuity.

One scene showed a guy in the daylight, the next shot was night time. Then day again. That would have flown, except they put up what day it was in the story's timeline. Day 1, Day 2, ect.

Save your money.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 2:40:25 PM EDT
I don't need to read that to know that he sucks. Damn greasy ponytail.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 3:10:46 PM EDT
Oh how this makes me smile...

While promoting that film, Seagal gave an interview for the Los Angeles Times in which he obliquely referred to work he'd done for the CIA in Japan. "They saw my abilities, both with martial arts and with the language," he said. "You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors."

According to Vanity Fair, his first wife stated flatly, "He was never in the CIA."

Undaunted by public skepticism, Seagal made further claims, saying at various times that he was a superb rider, a deadly marksmen, an authority on antique samurai swords, and fluent in four languages. His third film, which co-starred LeBrock, was called Hard to Kill, but to many in the Hollywood community, the newly minted star was becoming hard to believe.

Seagal apparently began to believe his own press. On the set of one movie, he challenged a stuntman, who was a black belt in judo, to try to choke him out, a judo technique in which pressure is applied to the carotid artery in the neck until the victim is rendered temporarily unconscious. According to one source, Seagal claimed to be impervious to the technique. He was wrong. The producers of the film became frantic when they saw their NBA-sized star lying unconscious on the ground.
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 3:50:26 PM EDT
That was a great read. Seagal is a loser and I really never liked his movies much. Too fake.


- rem
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 3:54:00 PM EDT
He's a wife beater, just like Van Dam, so, no, I really don't have much love for the guy.

Now, lets look at a real life "good guy" like CHUCK NORRIS!!!

The man is accomplished, self-made, and a Christian - God Bless Chuck!
Link Posted: 1/30/2006 4:18:43 PM EDT
A white American guy walking around in public wearing Chinese shirts and robes ... Definitely poser, and possible a little bit gay.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 5:55:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By HELOBRAVO:
I've saw this greasy little ******* in New Orleans a couple of times at Mardi Gras. Definitly not scared, he's a little poser for sure.



Maybe you meant it in terms of character, importance, etc., but "little" isn't exactly a word I'd use to describe him regardless of how much of an untalented poser he may be... IIRC, he's 6'4" and, in recent years anyway, he's anything but "little."
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 5:59:33 AM EDT
I don't know whether Segal is a poser or not, but Aikido IS a super-awesome defense technique, but sadly one that requires YEARS of dedicated practice.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:03:37 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/31/2006 6:05:00 AM EDT by hardcorps1775]

Originally Posted By dvr9:
Seagal sings worse than he acts.


i think mythbusters determined that to be a scientific impossibility!

i saw him last night in some really cheesy flick and he looks...diseased... maybe he has some kinda thyroid or liver problem? i bet he'd dead in a couple years.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:04:26 AM EDT

Seagal apparently began to believe his own press. On the set of one movie, he challenged a stuntman, who was a black belt in judo, to try to choke him out, a judo technique in which pressure is applied to the carotid artery in the neck until the victim is rendered temporarily unconscious. According to one source, Seagal claimed to be impervious to the technique. He was wrong. The producers of the film became frantic when they saw their NBA-sized star lying unconscious on the ground.





I believe that is in reference to when "Judo" Gene LaBelle choked out Seagal. According to Chuck Norris (who apparantly witnessed the incident) Seagal wet his pants during the time he was napping.

Pretty cool
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:06:50 AM EDT
I remember reading articles, years ago, about how he is supposed ot be an excellent pistol shooter. Is this crap too?
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:07:44 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:10:05 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/31/2006 6:10:32 AM EDT by lordtrader]
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:11:28 AM EDT
I still like his angry, do max damage style.


Chuck Norris just plays patty-cake with the BG's
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:12:41 AM EDT

Originally Posted By dvr9:
Seagal sings worse than he acts.


I don't know if that's actually possible.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:15:12 AM EDT
I have seen footage of Seagal teaching. He knows his shit as far as martial arts is concerned.

The only thing I know about the rest of his life is what I have read....and we all trust the media.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 6:25:11 AM EDT

Originally Posted By fight4yourrights:
I still like his angry, do max damage style.


Chuck Norris just plays patty-cake with the BG's




Orca's play pattycake too. They have been known to take 400 pound seals and sea lions and toss them back and forth much like playing catch before the finally devour them.

Personally, just kill me and get it over with.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 7:20:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By lordtrader:
Oh I've met Chuck Norris 2X too.

once at a competition and he was the guest of honor and judged the black belt sparring. the second time was a few years later, at an airshow. He didn't remember me....I was crushed.



Consider yourself fortunate that he didn't remember you.
Few people meet Chuck twice and live to tell about it.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 7:24:52 AM EDT
I saw and interview with him where he said the violence in GoodFellas was unrealistic. Ya right, like that crap is his movies really happens.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 7:31:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 82ndAbn:
You people and your celebrity tabloid addictions...



Says the man who wept uncontrollably when Nick and Jessica announced their divorce!!
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 8:04:36 AM EDT

Originally Posted By txinvestigator:
I have seen footage of Seagal teaching. He knows his shit as far as martial arts is concerned.

The only thing I know about the rest of his life is what I have read....and we all trust the media.



Frank Dux teaches as well...
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 8:12:32 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Typical_Infidel:
I hate him cause he runs like a girl.

And he's no Chuck Norris



Yeah i'll say it...Fuck Chuck Norris. I'm tired of all these stupid threads over Segal and Norris. They are both commercialized pieces of shit.

pphhewww...glad I got that out. I feel much better now.

Sorry for my rant.

Link Posted: 1/31/2006 8:17:43 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SJSAMPLE:

Originally Posted By lordtrader:
Oh I've met Chuck Norris 2X too.

once at a competition and he was the guest of honor and judged the black belt sparring. the second time was a few years later, at an airshow. He didn't remember me....I was crushed.



Consider yourself fortunate that he didn't remember you.
Few people meet Chuck twice and live to tell about it.



You need to stop. Seriously.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 8:50:57 AM EDT

Originally Posted By dvr9:
Lately he has been making more bad movies (direct to dvd release) and some seriously bad country music. A local country artist who writes for many major artist, Charlie Allen is a friend of mine. Seagal has hired Allen to work with him on producing a few albums. I heard the early stuff. Seagal sings worse than he acts.



I haven't bothered to shell out $20 for his latest CD but somehow I think I'd agree with you on that last sentence.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 8:52:32 AM EDT
ponytail<scruffy beard
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:06:42 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Typical_Infidel:
I hate him cause he runs like a girl.

And he's no Chuck Norris



+1, lmao
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:08:35 AM EDT
He beats women just like that punk van dam. Nuff said.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:15:45 AM EDT

Originally Posted By jthuang:

Originally Posted By dvr9:
Lately he has been making more bad movies (direct to dvd release) and some seriously bad country music. A local country artist who writes for many major artist, Charlie Allen is a friend of mine. Seagal has hired Allen to work with him on producing a few albums. I heard the early stuff. Seagal sings worse than he acts.



I haven't bothered to shell out $20 for his latest CD but somehow I think I'd agree with you on that last sentence.



Check out some of the reviews of his album....

Dear Mr. Seagal,

Tuesday, February 12th, was a pretty average day for me. I woke up, brushed my teeth, had my morning glass of mayonnaise, put on my beret, tossed my scarf over my shoulder, heaved a heavy sigh and ventured out into the cold. The suspension on my electric scooter sagged deeply, not unlike my longing heart. While the vanity bumper sticker that Mother had bought me proclaimed "A smile a day keeps the doctor away", I was a very, very lonely 42 year old man. I was morbidly obese and quite frankly, I didn't have the most pleasant odour about me. I was lucky if even that kid with the club foot that everyone chased after school would wave to me when I passed.

Doing the rounds of my paper route, I rode by my local music store. I heard Something about Lollipops emanating from the speaker. I heard the low and shrill sound and it immediately began soothing my jangled nerves. Little did I know that this little piece of plastic, with the wondroous words and lyrics of Steven Seagal burned onto it for all of eternity with a laser, was soon to change my life.

I immediately got out of my scooter, ran into the store, took a few minutes to try to catch my breath. Finally I was able to gasp out to the clerk: "That Cd. That voice of the angels. I need to have it now". I bought several copies in case I became hungry on the way home. I rushed home, changed into my athletic gear and utility belt and immediately began doing pushups. It was like I was a man possesed. I didn't know it at the time, but this CD harnessed the work ethic, the martial arts prowess and, above all, the stunning handsomness and fashion sense of Steven Seagal into one small package. All that I had to do was press play and I was transformed into the essence of Casey Ryback, ex-navy seal, counter-terrorist expert and environmental mercenary.

To the sounds of Mr.Seagal I was able to shed my weight and began taking daily showers. I now entertain several women per week, sometimes even several per day. I am making over $5000 a week stuffing envelopes from home. My life has become full of many smiles a day, and I look forward to each day with more anticipation than the last. I owe it all to the inspiring and electrifying work being done each and every day by Steven Seagal.

Thank you, Steven Seagal.

Your friend in arms,

Kevin Keast, Toronto, Ontario
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:16:47 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/31/2006 9:35:18 AM EDT by pathfinder74]
Why I hate Steven Seagal:

I hate him because he can't act his way out of a paper bag but he's sitting pretty what I suspect is a nice pile of cash for his lack of ability.

In otherwords I hate him because I envy him... well his good luck anyway... I sure as hell wouldn't want to look like him or be him... he's a total fucking tool.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:27:26 AM EDT
Tom Arnold even said Seagull wasn't a real martial artist. In an interview on the Late show or one of those shows they interviewed him about working with Jet Li. He said it was cool and it was his first time working with a martial artist. The host said something about a movie he did with Seagull, Tom said he wasn't a real martial artist and needed a stuntman. You know you're a pussy when the guy that married Roseanne say it.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:35:36 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:39:42 AM EDT
TRG...look up a couple of posts.
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 9:55:48 AM EDT
Tag for more Seagull shit...
Link Posted: 1/31/2006 10:13:46 AM EDT

Originally Posted By txinvestigator:
I have seen footage of Seagal teaching. He knows his shit as far as martial arts is concerned.

The only thing I know about the rest of his life is what I have read....and we all trust the media.



Yeah, he knows enough to lie about his MA background, in one case actually making an art up.
Aikido is probably the most useless thing to study, even Kung Fu has more merit because there are strikes.

If he knows so much, why does he make it look so damned stupid in the movies?

One of the only movie fight scenes that are somewhat realist is the original lethal weapon with Gary Busey and Mel Gibson, they actually look like they are fighting... somewhat.
Arrow Left Previous Page
Page / 2
Top Top