Posted: 8/6/2001 9:53:13 PM EDT
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I have to questions I am looking for input on. Situation: You find out your wife is screwing around on you. At the time you offer to work things out. Wife declines and says "I need to see if I can be happy". She moves out and leaves the family behind. Lives with other fellow for several months. Question 1: Now it seems the grass is not so green. She wants to come back and try to work things out. Do you or Don't you. Small children involved in situation. You have the children. Question 2: If you answer no to 1, do you take the easy path and give up part of your assets, or do you take wife to the cleaners. Any input would be appreciated. |
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If this is happening to you then I feel for you. My best friend went through this same kind of thing very recently it was hard on him and especially on the kids. I would have to say a big NO to the possibility of being together. You will never forget this and you will NEVER trust her again. THere are very few people who only cheat once. As to taking her to the cleaners guess again. In most states even if she cheats she still stands an even chance of getting custody of the kids and money from you. Since cheating isn't seen as so bad anymore the courts don't seem to care. If the children are old enough to remember this it is probably better that they have constant contact with their mother unless she is a bad and dangerous influence. Again I feel for you and your kids. Cheating is betrayal and should be punished the same as treason. But since the president did it, it seems to be all the rave nowadays. I told my fiance within the first month of dating that if she ever cheats on me, she and her new friend will be found dead, or preferaby never found at all. |
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C'mon man ! This is a no brainer... Take her to the friggin cleaner! Don't you think she'll do it again the next time the grass looks green? What if the roles were reversed ? You bet your ass she'd take everything you owned. Even if she didn't want it, a judge would give it to her anyway... |
| Marriage is a legal, spirtual, and moral contract. If she is willing to break the terms of the contract, I see no need to let her off easy. I would probably not take her back nor would I let her off the hook financially. The vast majority of women wouldn't do the same for you and she's obligated to provide her share of the financial support necessary to raise the kids. Until you remarry, you'll have to hire a nanny or send the kids to day care. She should pay for the added expense. |
| What ever you do be careful, remember you are a man and that is two strikes against you. Regardless of the fact that she caused the problem do not think that you will automatically get custody of the children, it does not work that way, my ex-wife got on the stand and admitted to being a cocaine addict, they had no negative circumstances on my part, and the stupid fucking judge gave my ex custody because she was the "Mother"..As I said, don't take for granted you will win. |
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I had two friends that went though the same thing with their wifes. Everything was fine with the first one until she found out that the dude spend most of his $80K a year putting coke up his nose - a couple of beatings, months, and police calls later she returned to him and the kids. They got re-married and have been together for the last five years happy. Number two did something similar leaving the kids with my coworker and moving into another state to live with the boyfriend who said he was going to leave his wife for her. She gave everything away in her old life, sold the car, gave custody to the kids away. Got to the new state and dude had left his wife to live with yet another girlfriend. She came back to the state trying to get her old life back together but my coworker was already dating and didn't want anything to do with her anymore. Sometimes you and the love are strong enough to forgive all. It's easy to say dump the bitch when you haven't loved her for x number of years, had two kids with her etc. etc... The children are the primary concern here. If you really belive that she is smart enough to have learned her lesson - and you yours - then take her back. You can forgive (which means never bringing this up again - but you'll never forget so can you live with that and that's something only you can answer). |
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i think Paul's right. the children are the major concern. i'm surprised at how much people on this site complain about the results of single parent homes and are so quick to recommend someone raise his children that way. i suggest a good long talking to and perhaps some marital counseling. if it's at all possible to keep the marriage civl and respectable to raise the children properly, then try it. my boyfriend was on a business trip recently and sat next to a guy that had had several affairs. so had this guy's wife. well, turns out that they both started communicated, and along with a new life in Jesus, he and his wife are happier than they've ever been. seems that the affairs had happened because neither husband nor wife knew how to talk to the other about what was bothering him/her. but the "other guy/gal" was easy to talk to about those things and seemed so caring and understanding. and a false love/infatuation grew out of being able to communicate with someone else. perhaps your wife (assuming this isn't a hypothetical and the unfortunate situation is your reality) felt the same way. it's easy for men and women to fall into that trap. if on the otherhand, she's just selfish and childish, it probably is best to cut your losses. regardless, still try and keep a least a talk-able relationship with her for the children. good luck. oh, i wanted to add: beware of taking her to the cleaners out of spite. it leads down a very bad road of eternal bitterness and antagonism (sp?). neither of which your children need to be seeing. if you have to make a break and it might get ugly, use a lawyer and don't talk to her at all. it will help keep the hostility down. sometimes it's painful and unfair being the better person, but it's worth it in the end. |
| I caught my first wife cheating on me one May years ago and she moved in with the guy. Get this: she had the nerve to call me a few weeks later and said she wanted to come back home--after summer was over. She said she wanted to stay the rest of the summer with him. I told her to get lost and filed for divorce. I got the house, both vehicles, all the furnishings. All she got was her clothes, and SHE had to pay the $600 lawyer fee. |
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Sorry to hear about it. You gave her the chance, but she had to be "happy"-I hate that cop out. Take her to the cleaners and get sole custody of the kids. Try and keep them out of it as much as possible. Try and be nice in court and not smear her rep, cause the judge will see maturity. Usually people like her make themselves look bad anyway. If you have a beard or goatee or mustache, shave it. Clean cut, nicely dressed father. Good luck, Ice |
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Quoted: The kids are the major concearn. Normally I say try to stick together if kids are involved. A woman who is willing to leave you [i]and[/i] the kids for her personal fullfillment is someone you don't want around your kids. Take her to the cleaners.[/quote Well said. |
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I know it sux now, but you will find someone that will treat you right. If you stay with her you are staying with someone for the kids. Not for her or yourself. You will be misserable and the kids will sufer because of it. GET OUT NOW, LOVE THE KIDS, AND FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL NOT MAKE YOU SEC0ND BEST!!! |
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I feel for you , I have been through a divorce myself and it is not easy on anyone . Be Very Careful . She may be sincere . There are kids involved , Your kids . If she is smart she knows that she is screwed if you 2 divorce . Maybe she is trying to improve her situation by getting lovey dovey with you now in anticipation of a big split a few months from now after she has a much better position from which to negotiate . Right now she would loose almost everything including her kids , If she gets back with you now and divorce is a few months over the horizon she will be sitting pretty with the tables turned and YOU have to pay support to her for the next 15 years . I hope I am incorrect but it is possible . Try to think with your brain , not your heart or penis |
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First: let me say thanks to all those who shared there advice. Second: let me say that the kids are the most important thing in this situation. Third: The reason for the post was to get a little more input on this kind of situation. Wanted to see if the decision I have come to was based on some sort of logic or if emotions ruled the day. Trying to explain to a 2,5, and 7 year old why mommy isn't around any more is a pretty difficult thing to have to do. Fourth: Just for those people that think they would kill there wife if this kind of thing happened in there life. Let me say that it is easy to say, but something else when it happens. I used to think the same thing, but when you have kids to take care of, the situation changes a little. I have found out how nasty these things can get. The way I came up with my user name was kind of due to my wife. When my wife realized the situation she was in, she called the local Social Services office. She stated that her husband was a gun nut and left his arsenal unsecured and loaded for the kids to play with. After the people went to the schools of my kids and interviewed them, without my knowledge they realized my wife was lying. They still wanted to interview me and do a home visit. At least when it was all said and done, all she accomplished was to ruin her own credibility with that office. I have to say that I hope that none of you have to go through this kind of thing. Thanks again, VA-GUNNUT |