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Posted: 12/19/2005 10:06:07 AM EDT
More French Bashing (all in good fun...)


"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.





"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.





"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.





"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson





"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac, President of France



"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh,





"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.





"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989).





"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.





"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien





"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" Jay Leno.





"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman





Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. Ted Nugent.





War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.



“The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.” Tom Brokaw.





"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.





"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." Alan Kent





"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton





"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)





"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller





Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.



Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?





"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)





"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.





The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.





French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 10:08:56 AM EDT
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. Ted Nugent"


Link Posted: 12/19/2005 10:14:45 AM EDT
i saw these and figured arfcom is always bashing those stinky french might as well give them some jokes got these from one of my sites i go to. funny thing is it is a military site i got them from strange.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 10:18:24 AM EDT
Thanks for the laugh (I'm about an hour away from a physics final and I needed it).
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 10:23:18 AM EDT
"A country which has 246 varieties of cheese is incablable of self-government."
Charles De Gaulle- "Les Mots du General" in 1962
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 10:36:22 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Jagdpanzer:
Thanks for the laugh (I'm about an hour away from a physics final and I needed it).



yeah i think you needed a laugh before that type of test have fun though.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 11:42:31 AM EDT
The complete military history of France:

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 4:28:09 PM EDT
BTT for evening crew
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 4:30:41 PM EDT
Why are French roads lined with trees?

So the German army can march in the shade.

Link Posted: 12/19/2005 4:37:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 4:40:01 PM EDT


Goddamn I hate the frenchies,thanks for the jokes,er I mean historical facts
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 8:59:15 PM EDT
BTT
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 4:53:27 PM EDT
BTT
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 4:55:01 PM EDT
#2 was Jed Babbin, not Rummy
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 5:22:59 PM EDT
Tag
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 5:43:04 PM EDT
France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor.
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