Posted: 6/23/2005 11:41:13 AM EDT
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A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives the man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak." The waiter replies: "Monsieur.....what about ze mad cow?" The man replies: "She'll have a salad." |
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Something to Offend Everyone What do you call two Mexicans playing Basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag Why is Divorce so Expensive? Because it’s worth it! What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts? Why is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? Through the chest with a sharp knife Why do men want to marry virgins? They can’t stand criticism Why is it so hard to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside What did the blond say when she found out she was pregnant? ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’ Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you Why did O J Simpson move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying ‘Yo’ Why do drivers’ education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays the sex Ed class uses it Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’ What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half Mast? They’re hiring What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo? The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the ‘F’ word? Get another sweet 80 year old lady to yell ‘Bingo’ What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins with ‘Once upon a time ‘, A southern fairytale begins with ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit ‘ Why is there no Disneyland in Japan? No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides |
 Thanks guys, I appreciate the morning laugh! Two old men are shopping when they accidentally bump shopping carts. The first man apologizes, explaining, "I was on the lookout for my wife, who I can't seem to find." "What a coincidence," the second man replies, "So was I! What does you wife look like, sir?" "Well, she is about 5 foot 10, with large breasts, long legs, red hair, and a tight ass. She's wearing a leather mini skirt. What does yours look like?" The man begins to leave, shouting over his shoulder "Who gives a damn! I'm going to find YOURS!" And, for you men out there... How long does it take a woman to climax? Who cares... |
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what do you do if your wife comes out of the kitchen screaming at you? shorten her lease what do you do if your dishwasher stocks working? slap her why did the woman cross the road? that's not the point, she should be in the kitchen! why do women have orgasms? it gives them more reasons to moan As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this". How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent? When her first words are, "A man once told me....." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there's a clock on the oven. How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be open when the woman brings it to him. What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. Why do women wear white on their wedding day? So they will match the stove and fridge! Why haven't women been to the moon ? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet! Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy. Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from the feminists. The Creation of the Woman One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?...." |
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The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit." |
i put this joke on here about 3 days ago and i got 2 responses...dammit 
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Guess I'm just cooler than you...   
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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, they just sit in the dark and moan! How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, let her do the dishes in the dark. How do you get 100 old cows into a shed? - Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front.!! After getting married the bride and groom jump into a horse driven carriage and bid their families farewell. Ten minutes later the horse suddenly stops causing the newly weds to be thrown forward. The groom calmly jumps out the carriage, walks in front of the horse and shouts: "THAT'S ONE!!". Then jumps back into the carriage and resumes his journey. Another ten minutes passes and the horse does the same again. The groom jumps out and calmly walks in front of the horse, and shouts: "THAT'S TWO!!" then hits the horse over the head with a baseball bat. He then jumps back into the carriage and carries on the journey. Another ten minutes later, the horse still not taking the hint suddenly stops, thrusting the unsuspecting newly weds forward once more. Calmly the groom walks in front of the horse and shouts: "THAT'S THREE!!!" and blows the horses head off with a handgun. Just as he?s about to sit down next to his new wife, she says "That was a bit harsh wasn't it !!!". Calmly he looks into her eyes and shouts: "THAT'S ONE!!" .... If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... Would you go to lunch or to a movie? man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married" The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles. "Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!" How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl. A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No," he says, "it's burning my arse!" Why don't women like to fish? You have to shut the fuck up! What do 60,000 abused woman have in common? They don't fuckin listen! A young woman goes into a supermarket, tours the aisles and unloads onto the conveyor belt two bananas, a small tin of beans, half-a-litre of milk and half a sliced loaf. The checkout boy rings through her purchases, looks up and says: "You're a single woman, aren't you?" She looks a bit sheepish and says: "Yeah. I suppose it's the shopping that gives it away, is it?" And the checkout operator says: "No. It's because you're fucking ugly." How is a woman like a condom? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does when a guy is fucking her. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her. What's the difference between a girl and a toilet? A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it. What's the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What does a woman put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles. What do you call an unmarried woman in a BMW? Divorcee. What's the definition of a woman? Life support for a vagina. Why are woman smarter during sex? They have a genius plugged into them. How are women like a postage stamps? You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away. How are women like bowling balls? You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more... How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face. What do woman and spaghetti have in common? They both squirm when you eat them. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you. What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1.No mind. 2.No business. What is a mistress? Something between a Mister and a mattress! Why are hangovers better than a woman? Hangovers will go away. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man having a good time. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money. What do you call the useless piece of skin about a pussy? A woman. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.  What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal? It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.  Why do Tampons have strings? So you can floss after every meal. How can you tell a macho woman? She rolls her own tampons. Why don't pygmy women wear tampons? They keep stepping on the strings. If a woman were to rule the word it wouldn't be so bad but every month you'd have seven day's of intense negotiations. Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die? One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told, and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!" Why did the Army send so many women with PMT to The Gulf War? They fought like animals, and retained water for four days. Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service? It's called U.P.M.S. They deliver any time they fucking feel like it. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pit bull? Lipstick. What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. What's the definition of a menstrual period? A bloody waste of fucking time. Why do women have periods Because they deserve them. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party. What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS? A know-it-all bitch. Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow disease was already taken. Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a light bulb? Because it does, alright!?!? |
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A trainning session for investigations was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned with it in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by with no result. Finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck, the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "Okay, okay....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!!" |