Posted: 8/2/2004 10:25:10 PM EDT
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on. In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing. The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.” “OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer. “What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?” John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.” “And how old are you?” the officer asked John. “I’m 25,” John replied. “And how old is she?” asked the officer. John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.” |
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The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the matchmaker. “Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.” “That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.” “I said ’two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine.” ******************************************************* Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.” ******************************************************* A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she explains. “Did he tell you what caliber to get?” asks the salesman. “Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m gonna shoot him.” ******************************************************* A lady was vacuuming the bedroom when she hit something under the bed. When she puled the object out, she discovered it was a shiny silver box containing nine golf balls and $25,000 in cash. When her husband came home she asked, “Honey, what's with the box? There are nine golf balls and $25,000 in here.” “Well,” said her husband, “every time we’ve had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there.” “That’s not bad,” his wife replied, “We’ve been married for 25 years and there are only nine balls, but what's with the money?” “Well, every time I got a dozen balls, I sold them.” ******************************************************* A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!” The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and returns with his suitcase packed, as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife exclaims. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!” 
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I'm a blonde. Does that explain it? |
 BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
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Ok so there is a old guy(late 60s) driving home from going to the store so state trooper sees him speeding home(about 10 over the limit) and starts to prasue him but the old man sees the trooper and guns it down the highway and when the trooper finaly stops him he says: [Trooper] Why where you runing from me? [old guy] well about 40 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper and i thought you where bringing her back then the trooper shakes his head and says [Trooper] well i geus i can let you off this time ok? [old guy] ok and with that the old man drives off |
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This guy is walking down the street and he sees a red light in a window as he begins to hear some beautiful singing. He couldn't resist checking it out so he asks this woman on the doorstep "What's with the singing?". She responds, "It is a singing blowjob.... $200 and you can have one... best one you'll ever have." The guy thinks for a few minutes and decides to give it a try... he simply wants to see this singing BJ thing for himself (well, he wants a BJ too). He pays the $200 and enters the room where the singing was coming from. There is a beautiful woman sitting on the bed and she motions for him to sit down. She then gets up and turns out the lights. After what seemed like a long time, she started doing her... job. Then she starts singing! The man is amazed... how can this woman sing while... doing her work? After its all finished, the lights go on after about a minute. He smiles and leaves. The next day he decides to get to the bottom of this. He goes back to the same building but brings a flashlight. He pays, goes in, the lights go off, and the same scenario ensues. In the middle of the act, he turns on the flashlight and flashes it around the room before she can react. He flashes it towards the table and sees a glass eye in a jar. - BUCC_Guy Don't ban me 
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ROFL! This thread needs a link to SeizureBots now. I'll contribute one I thought was cute. A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery behind a local church. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank." |
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DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all the lovely snow. So disappointing. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like..... The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day...snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to buy a snow blower and they are out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the sucker who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his throat. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the %@x&! slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? BigDozer66 |
HAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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What do Palistinians use to bind their wounds when clashing with the IDF? A Gaza strip. What do you call a hundred lesbians with SKSs? Militia Etheridge. What do you have when you get 32 Arkansans together? One set of teeth. What'd the plumber say when worked on the Vatican's toilet? "Holy Shit". |
This dog has no legs at all, the owner of the dog named it "Cigarette". I asked the owner why he calls him Cigarette? Owner replies: Everytime he needs to pee, I have to take him out for a drag. I know: har har  |
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An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. The professor kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine replied, "God was busy." |