Posted: 5/1/2004 4:45:49 PM EDT
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TO ALL OF YOU REAL MEN, AND THOSE WHO APPRECIATE REAL MEN: OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more!!!! Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement. THE CODE! A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to shoot. Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face. A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT ! |
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Here here!!' Good job, but I'll just hve to add that maybe your problem with your TV could be traced back to the fact that your wife has been watching Lifetime or Bravo. Please explain to her that you'll put the seat back down after you take a whiz if and only if she'll turn the TV back to The Outdoor Channel when she finishes watching Lifetime's "movie-of-the-week-about-some-whiny-woman-and-the-man-that-did-her-wrong". |
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You are right, every time there is a fucking commercial on tv they make the guy look like some dumb bumbling dote who couldn't tell his asshole from a hole in the wall. Woman are the sensible smart ones and men are the idiots who just kind of depend on the woman, it sucks. |
its the demasculinization of the American male by the media. just like those brinks home security commercials where the husband cowers in fear when the alarm goes off, while the wife answers the phone and tells everyone "It's gonna be OK, Brinks is on the phone" |
Yup. look at Homer Simpson. A bumbling fool who is lucky beyond belief to be married to Marge. Remmeber Tim Taylor from Home improvement? Dispite the fact that he was the tool man, he was... a bumbling fool lucky to have the wife he does. King of the Hill rules! Hoppy  8420
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name one. Im thinking of the "twig boy" episode, the hippy teacher one, and the times he had to deal with assholes at work. Most of the time he deals with the situation. Hank is a model retrosexual imho Hoppy  8420
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You sir, fucking rule 
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The gearhead shows are great. Spike tv fucked it all up when they dropped the a.m. hunting and fishing shows on the weekend.] Wrenching, plasma cutting, welding and fabricating on your beloved car or truck is no doubt manly. But, as echo6 stated, man killing meat is essential to the retrosexual man. But it predates motor vehicles and therefore I find Spike tv to be a new wave in liberal programming. No bows, no handguns or rifles, the modern equivalent of building a neutered new age man has dawned. Sure the automotive shows are great, but without man on the hunt for meat, we are being slowly demasculinized by network executives who think women want a toned down version of a man. BRING BACK THE MEAT HUNTS!!!!  WE ARE MEN, GIVE US BACK THE HUNT!!! |
Vic Fucking Mackey of The Shield
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| I am willing to bet that you listed only those things YOU know how to do in the skills that you expect men to "know", and conveniently left out whatever weak spots you might have. Face it: there is room in society for all types of people, and while its good to be well rounded ( for both men and women), the idea that we are somehow conrtrained into certain narrowly defined roles by the sex we happened to be born into is rather archaic. |
DUDE, TELL YOUR FEMININE SIDE TO STFU!!!!  |
Well, damn, HS1! If you were a man, you wouldn't need to ask them to give it back - you'd just DEAL WITH IT and take it back. Don't know what your plans are this weekend, but I'm heading out to the range tomorrow morning - with my wife, no less - to sight in my new Mauser .30-06. I truly pray that the elk I'll kill in October has the best spring/summer of his/her life this year. Mmmm.... elk jerky..... |
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Well, I'm definitely a retrosexual, then. But I have a few changes that work for me. I waste very little time watching TV. What I do watch is guaranteed to be irreverent, insulting, or have realistic violent content. Nothing "touchy-feely", give me South Park and Ren and Stimpy! I own a good set of tools and they all get used. I MAKE THINGS, from scratch. I'm an accomplished luthier (guitar builder) and some of my instruments are being used to make loud, raunchy, politically incorrect music. I make things in metal, too. I make GUNS. (I have in the past, and may in the future.) I play a few computer games. All of them are realistic simulations of COMBAT. Ghost Recon, for ground troop combat, and Falcon 4.0 (updated to current standards) for air-to-air fighter combat. I don't play games that have no violent content. Bullets flying, people dying, that's what I expect and want in a game. I'm not squeamish. I worked in a funeral home for about a year, and I've handled more dead bodies in that year than most people will even SEE in person in their entire lifetime. It doesn't bother me. I certainly don't make any claims on being a doctor or even a doctor in training, but I know a little about medicine. If I had to do so, I could probably take out your appendix, if necessary, and you'd recover. You wouldn't like it much, but you'd still be here to carry a grudge. I'd never dream of calling someone ELSE to change a tire. I'd have to be pathetic and incompetent to be that kind of person. If it were absolutely necessary for me to do so, I'm quite sure that I could kill someone, and circumstances depending, I could dispose of the body in such a way that nobody would ever know what happened, or who did it. CJ |
Why is that a "feminine" side? Its a civilized observation. Is your idea of manliness to sit around and grunt unintelligently? No thanks. I arrest "macho" guys all the time, guys who let their hormones do their thinking for them instead of their brain! |
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You forgot the most important and should have been number one on your list: A real man knows he's a man and doesn't have to prove it to anyone especially himself. Otherwise, very good list. It is so evident that when you hold doors open for women by their reactions how much of this is being lost. Tj |
http://www.politicallyindependent.com/images/avatars/3401.gif |
I used to have a talking Punisher action figure and one of the things he said was, "Vengence is mine!!!" It was funny. |
I have a t-shirt from there. But it's Pink Floyd, so it's fine. Then again, I'm half of 30. |
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The only thing that I would add, where it is acceptable for a man to cry, is when the National Anthem is played and when Taps are played for a fallen soldier. Somewhere on here someone uses the tad line to the effect "Would John Wayne do this?". Not a bad character to model your lifestyle after. Shootist |
Those loops at the bottom of that tac vest look lonely without a web belt. |
You forgot man's greatest role model.. 
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I sometimes wonder if I would put my hand down my pants all the time if I didn't have Al Bundy as a role model... |