Posted: 1/6/2004 9:16:03 AM EDT
|
Looks like I'll be filing for divorce this week. Pray for me and, more importantly, my  .No, there is no hope of reconciliation. She doesn't seem to be interested, and after seven months of living like a gypsy, I'm through trying to convince her. Damn. The ONE thing in life I wanted to avoid like the friggin' plague... 
|
| Zaphod, here's the deal...be prepared to do anything to keep your stuff....you can be out of jail before she would have still been living off your money. I have a friend that is still paying debts from 15 years ago....and no kids involved. Realize that she is your enemy and hold your ground. And that alien assasin next her that calls itself a lawyer wants nothing more than your total destruction. Take this stance and realize that you just entered an arena with no rules...... |
|
Sorry to hear this friend. Get a good lawyer. You'll be needing one. I'm sure you know this. Do whatever it takes to maximize your time with the kids. Let her take all the possesions if it'll mean more time with the kids. Time is pricelss. The possesions are replacable. I'll say a prayer for you and the kids. Hang in there buddy. |
|
At a minimum, get 50% physical and joint custody of your kid. This is key. Or, go for broke and go for custody, but at least get half of your kid!!!!!!! I can't stress this enough. This not only pays off in when and how much you get to see your kid, but multitudes of other areas as well. Get at least 50%!!!!! Get the best lawyer you can get and go for broke. Been there done that....it's time to break out the gatling gun. You either handle this situation correctly now, or, you will pay for it dearly from here on out. You're driving so go for broke. vmax84 Good luck and keep us posted. Prayers sent. |
|
Z, prayer sent for you and the kids. You have my e-mail if you need it. Follow the advice of some others here, get a good lawyer, get custody, and sink her ship. Don't give her what ever she wants, it is not about her, it is about you and the kids. This is war, not a relationship anymore. Win at all costs, you can sign a treaty latter. dave |
|
The lawyer is my cousin, who does this sort of thing for a living and won't cost me a dime. Oddly enough, it'll be the same situation for her. I had dinner with her lawyer on Christmas Eve. Funny, eh? As for children: Here in Florida the requirement is joint/shared custody unless there is evidence of abuse, addiction, etc. That said, she's not about to try that one, because then I will truly hand her her ass on a plate. Possessions: My guns are out and safe, along with the receipts proving that most of them are mine from before the marriage. She's already signed them away anyway. All that's left is some clothes, my books, my art prints (she's already packd them up for me), and my tools. The only thing she has shown any interest in is some of the tools. As for the rest, I'm leaving it all behind. China, crystal, electronics, furniture, etc. I don't want any of it, mostly because my kids use it, and I'm not about to strip their home of all that's familiar. Bad enough I won't be there. Finances are a joke. Debt up to the eyeballs, and then a few feet more. Fortunately, the house is worth enough to cover it all. I don't want her to have to sell it (again, it's where my girls live), but I want my half in cash. Either that or she keeps ALL the debt. Simple, really. She's not even going to be able to claim alimony, seeing as she runs a business out of the house, and at one point was making as much as I was while she was working at a local company. Child support is mandated by the state from a simple mathematical table. I can afford what will be decided. Easily. I've already given her (and my lawyer) a proposed settlement statement spelling out what I want in terms of property, finances, children, etc. My lawyer looked at me and said, "You're wife is extremely lucky. You're being more than fair." Seeing as I'm going to have to deal with this woman for at least the next 15 years, I'm not about to start a war, here. Fortunately, she's not up to it, either. In all sincerity, this may go off without nearly the nightmare stuff you hear about so often. That said, if she wants a fight, boy will she get it! I just want to be legally and financially removed from this person. I hold no ill will toward her, but it's quite clear that she only expects me to change, and I'll not put up with it anymore. My children and (more importantly in the long run) I don't deserve it. |
|
Know what tears me up the worst about my divorce? It's not the money, or the ex, but my kids. They are 9 and 5 (girls). Ex drops them off every morning at my place before she goes to work. I take them to school a little while later. Watching my 5 year old (I never leave without seeing her physically go in the school doors) walk up the sidewalk to the school, with a big smile on her face, looking back at me and waving without a care in the world....she's happy and my guts are just ripped up inside, trying to figure out how I can make this whole divorce thing up to her. It just kills me. vmax84 |
| Sounds like you're keeping a good head on your shoulders. That is a good thing, keep it up. As my uncle once told me when I was going through this crap--"Hope for the best and prepare for the worse". Hang in there, it does get a lot better with time and set some goals for yourself, get really involved in reaching them and it gives you very little time to stew about this whole thing. Keep your chin up!! |
|
You're in good company, at the very least, friend. I've enjoyed reading your posts and, although I don't know you, it's always good to read Christian-based posts. am so sorry that you have to go through this. Ive been through it too, and if you want, IM me and I'll give you my ph. #, if you want to talk. My dime. You and your family will be in our prayers tonight. Count on it !! |
| My biggest challenge as it relates to the kids (two girls, ages 2.5 and 3.5) will be to stay involved during their toddlerhood (an age I love, but which drives me nucking futs. I can't wait to have an actual conversation with them, or to help them with school, etc. Stuff where I actually need my brain instead of only my (little) patience. |
|
That truly sucks, Man! Sorry to hear you two were unable to make it work out. Understand your note about pre-conditions and that she is pretty much buying into your plan. I have one bit of advice: [b]Trust but verify![/b] Make sure Senor Lawyer gets it all in writing. Also, I'd make one last sweep through the house before departing just to make sure you didn't leave anything of intrinsic OR sentimental value behind. Cruise books, USNA sheepskin, special docs like Crossing the Line, BlueNose, etc., any medals, awards, DD214s? [shock] or anything you might need or want in the future. What you forget, you can forget...for good. Since to your-soon-to-be-ex likely has no need for any of that "stuff" that you might want someday...even for sentimental reasons, she likely will ditch it at the first opportunity. Have you contect NFCU and USAA yet? How about DFAS if appropriate? < |
|
LWilde, Yep, I'll be making VERY sure I don't leave anything too important behind. Still, I don't think she'll be so bitchy as to dump anything she finds afterwards. We don't hate each other. Heck, we'll probably become better friends after a time than we were spouses. Sick, heh? H46Driver, I don't know where I'm going to end up, but it most likely WON'T be here. I hate this place like nobody's business, and the last thing I need is to be on-call for babysitting services whenever it's convenient for her. I'm not saying I like the arrangement, but I firmly believe that if I stay here in Miami, I'll be dead inside 4 years from a heart attack. No joke. I have to get out of here and move out west (CO, NM, AZ, UT) or I will simply go bonkers, and then what good will I be to them? |
|
Quoted: Sorry, old buddy. But after you've done all you can, sometimes it just doesn't work. It takes two to make a marriage. As usual, I'm praying for you. Call me if I can help. Thanks, my friend. I'll not forget your support through all this. Quoted: Zaphod, Words fail me at this time in your troubles. Please know that I am here for you, my brother. You are in my prayers. Keep your head up and keep the faith. What can I say, brother? You have a special place in my heart... |
|
Quoted: Sickening as the prospect may seem to YOU, there's always room in Kali for another right thinker. Of course, real estate is a little steep, and there's the assault weapons deal. Well, think about it, OK? You must've gone to the Citadel to come up with an idea like that! [;)] Seriously, though, there is no denying that I'd make a killing in Kali, but I just can't get myself to live there. If I can live in Nevada and commute, then OK, but there is NO WAY I'm going to Kali... |
|
Sorry to hear it, bud - chin up, and watch your six... You've getting some good advice here, from some good bros... We've all been through it, for the most part - some more than once... In my case, I ended up meeting a girl MUCH younger than me, with a great attitude(and good looking) - so it all worked out in the end... Child support and visitation can be a bitch, but hey - atleast you're seeing the kids, and sooner or later, they grow up... It gets easier with time, believe me... Hang in there, bud... - georgestrings |
|
Hey Z- Sorry to hear, especially for the kids. I've been there and the healing takes years for you and the impact to the kids is tremendous. There is alot to talk about if you want we can IM and arrange to converse in real-time if you like. Just let me know. Take care and God bless. |
|
Quoted: Lots of ears & shoulders here when you need them... Yep. It's the reason I post here. Thanks to everyone who has responded. The support is most sincerely appreciated and helps with the pain. To those who may be contemplating marriage, I say this: BE ABSOLUTELY SURE when it comes time to tie the knot. If you have ANY doubt whatsoever, DON'T DO IT! |
|
Quoted: To those who may be contemplating marriage, I say this: BE ABSOLUTELY SURE when it comes time to tie the knot. If you have ANY doubt whatsoever, DON'T DO IT! There's nothing more chilling than the voice of experience. But as georgestrings and others point out, the kids will grow up. As you know, my daughters are adults. They turned out just fine. I see them all the time and our relationship is great. Hang in there, buddy. You will be here some day. |
|
Quoted: There's nothing more chilling than the voice of experience. But as georgestrings and others point out, the kids will grow up. As you know, my daughters are adults. They turned out just fine. I see them all the time and our relationship is great. Hang in there, buddy. You will be here some day. I certainly hope so, my friend, not only in terms of the relationship with the girls, but even moreso in terms of your strong faith in the Lord. Believe me, this entire episode has been nothing but HELPFUL to me in moving toward that goal. Were it not for Him, I am quite certain I would have blown my brains out long ago. Instead, I'm looking at this as a first (however distasteful) step toward an AWESOME 2004 and remainder of my life! |
|
I don't recall whether you're still active Navy of not but as I recall from my brothers divorce the Soldiers and Sailors Relief Act had a few surprises waiting when his ex tried to go for the jugular when he was overseas. They had come up with a preliminary divide and then she got really greedy. My brother had tried to make it smooth but at the end they tried to screw him and SSRA zapped them but good. It may only apply when deployed but it's worth taking a gander at. In any case check with Navy Legal as it's going to interact with any retirement and SBP you may have. Might not be any but any surprises that can be avoided should be avoided. |
|
My prayers are with you and anyone else who is going through this. Sounds like your focus is in the right place with the little ones. Don't lower yourself to groveling, don't belittle her in front of them. When it is over, it IS over. But your role as father continues. Remember that. Your life will go on. So will theirs. You, however, are an adult. They will need you and their mother. Just remember that it isn't their fault and that they do need BOTH of you. Keep to the high ground. It isn't easy. (Trust me, I speak from expeirence). It will be hard. But in the long run, it will pay off for you and them. Again, my prayers are with you. If you need to just blow off some steam, email me at [email][email protected][/email]. Again, I have been there. |