Posted: 7/3/2017 1:36:51 PM EDT
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My boss, while organizing paperwork to give to me with me standing there:
"diesel, I need you to move QUICKLY today" (obviously expecting me to jump into some kind of action) 
me: "I'm waiting on your paperwork, I can only stand here so quickly" 
My boss:Â .....(tried desperately to keep a straight face)..... then:Â 
share work one liners |
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Whenever someone tells me they are going to do something I couldn't care less about I say "Don't hurt yourself."
Such as.... "I'm going to the bathroom."----"Don't hurt yourself." "I'm going to get coffee."---"Don't hurt yourself." Not really funny, but they always pause to think about it and give me the "WTF" look. |
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Quoted:
When fixing an emergency and all of the management kept popping in to ask what was going on, I finally started responding "Do you want me to explain it or fix it?" After a moment's thought, they all chose "fix it". Production Superintendent kept bugging me over the radio about how long a machine was going to down for. I was busting my ass and finally said, "How long is a piece of rope?" PS got pissed and went to the Plant Manager. PM called me in the office, winked and said, "Don't do that again." |
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Quoted:
When fixing an emergency and all of the management kept popping in to ask what was going on, I finally started responding "Do you want me to explain it or fix it?" After a moment's thought, they all chose "fix it".
I remembered a couple of good ones from The Departed when we watched it again last night. "Me? I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy." "What the fuck do you think this is, NASA?" |
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Back when I was second tier programming support on telco switches...
After a series of nit picky demands from a group supervisor - not mine - I got called in on an emergency conference call about the status of his "project"  in my managers office with my supervisor sitting there.  Mostly he just wanted to belittle my work although it was all correct. He bitched that it was taking too long as well. My response was that I would have been done in another three minute had I not been called away. I finished with "And Ken, next time you put on that seminar on how to be perfect like you, let me know and I will sit in the front fucking row". I got up & left as mgr & my supv were busting up laughing. 
 Never took anymore shit from that asshole again. |
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Years ago at a Loss Prevention meeting, the boss asked another LP how the folks in her store were dealing with one of their sporting goods employees suffering a heart attack at the store. After her answer, the room got quiet and that's when I asked if she had gotten it on video. I know..
Another from LP days. Our new Divisional LP Director was in the LP office with our District LP Supervisor and I apprehended a couple of thieves and entered the office. The big boss, who had obviously not come up through the ranks, sat slack jawed. I looked him right in the eye and told him "My customers are always wrong". He actually giggled before he caught himself and moved their little meeting. |
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My boss has to have Asperger's. He'll start a conversation with you 5 minutes after he started it in his head.
He'll come in rattling some shit at me, I'll just turn, look at him with a blank stare and say, "Nope. Jew." He'll nervously laugh and leave most of the time. He's in on the joke and realizes that when I do that that he's doing his weird shit again. I had an extra apple one day and one of the guys came by that had said something a few minutes before about being hungry, so I offered it to him. He took it and said he was going to save it for later, I yelled out, "Put it in yer mouth." The lady that works for me almost peed herself. One of the older guys at work, I love to death, was giving me a hard time one day when I told him, "The difference between when you grew up and when I grew up, is that we didn't have a sabertooth anything." We're only like 14 years apart. |
| I use to have an employee "Al", he was 70 yrs old. Al was old and had no fucks to give. We were at an awards banquet and both went to the restroom to take a leak. As we walked into the restroom, Al sees a younger guy at the sink washing his hands. Al looks at him, and with a straight face says.." Ya know, if you kept your dick clean, you wouldn't have to do that!" |
| Many years ago I was a deputy sheriff and I had arrested a very lovely woman for disorderly intoxication. When I took her to the booking desk she was very vocal and in the usual warm and social way angry drunks are she was enthusiastic to be there. So, as the detention deputies are trying to get her booked a sergeant asks her to empty her pockets onto the counter. She replied "Fuck you, you're an asshole!!!" as she became physically resistant to being searched. She was about to get the ever living snot knock out of her when, another deputy who had been on the same call with me and had arrested another drunk said in a very authoritative voice "Hey...Hey...HEY!" The booking area got all quiet and everyone looked at the deputy. "Sarge, just for the record, I don't think you're an asshole." |
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I worked in a bike shop way back when, that had a grizzled old biker for a service manager. One day he came back in the shop fucking pissed and yelled at me:
"Pooby you scum sucking pus bag!" Before he could say another word I said in a calm voice: "I am not a pus bag." Everyone in the shop burst out laughing and he could barely hold back the smile as he turned around and walked out. Never did find out what he was mad about. |
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In my early twenties, in a sales meeting. I had forgotten to buy new razors , or tell the wife I needed new ones so I didn't have any. Honestly, she'd always gotten them when I needed so I never realized I was low. Everything always just seemed to be there. I must have made her mad or something and she didn't buy any.
Anyway, I had to use one of her female specced razors. I thought I was going to bleed out, and this was in her pre nurse days, so no help from her there. I wound up putting pieces of toilet paper all over my face, like twenty pieces. There were about four spots that would not stop bleeding, so for the 25 minute drive to the dealership I was putting pressure on as many spots as possible. I got in, and walked into the bathroom to take all the tissue off of my face, figuring it was all done, and hurried into the sales meeting, and sat right across from the owner. He kept sort of looking at me when he was talking for a couple of minutes. Then he finally blurted out, " Chuck, we only ask that you're clean shaven. We don't demand a blood sacrifice. " I said, " Oh, is it doing it again, bad still?" He replied, " I'm not saying it's bad, but you might want to go to the ER and pick up a couple of pints." He made me go sit in the bathroom until I got all the bleeding stopped. I couldn't come out for an hour. |
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Funny black co worker likes to razz me - Hes funny.
FBCW - Yo, you in the clan, arent you? ME - No. I havent been able to find a local chapter since I moved here, Where can I sign up? 
FBCW - Man you aint right. 
Group director had a heart attack a while back. Did a stint thing to him. One of the engineers had a birthday, and his mom sent these fancy cupcakes. We were eating them, and the GD picked one up that looked like a milkshake with a straw: GD- "whats this straw for?" Me- Its not a straw. It's a heart stint. Comes with it's own so you dont have to buy one. GD -
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