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Posted: 6/29/2003 4:11:16 PM EDT
1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat. 2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium. 3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair. 4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white. 5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes. 6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one. 7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective. 8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele. 9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch. 10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway. 11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you. 12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics. 13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot. 14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only. 15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off. 16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay. 17. If you're late, call. 18. Brush your teeth a lot. 19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex. 20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for (a) sloth, (b) passivity, or (c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room. 21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them. 22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks--closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat--that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls. 23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult. ================================================ I don't necessarily agree with all of the above, but I thought they were fun!! TT [wave]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:16:17 PM EDT
Gonna pick up the swiffers tomorrow! Thanx!
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:19:19 PM EDT
Originally Posted By TitaniumT: 1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat. 2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium. 3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair. 4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white. 5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes. 6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one. 7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective. 8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele. 9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch. 10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway. 11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you. 12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics. 13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot. 14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only. 15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off. 16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay. 17. If you're late, call. 18. Brush your teeth a lot. 19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex. 20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for (a) sloth, (b) passivity, or (c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room. 21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them. 22.[red] When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks--closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat--that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.[/red] 23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult. ================================================ I don't necessarily agree with all of the above, but I thought they were fun!! TT [wave]
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Thanks for the tips (I already learned most of them the hard way). #22 is especially important, guys - remember not to scratch, the key is to [b]pinch and roll[/b]; it is much more effective.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:21:02 PM EDT
I have #12 covered.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:21:23 PM EDT
24. Tell her "Hey baby, did you lose weight"?
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:21:51 PM EDT
Originally Posted By captainpooby: Gonna pick up the swiffers tomorrow! Thanx!
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Out of curiosity, what are swiffers? TT [wave]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:22:45 PM EDT
I bet Tom Leikus will have a great time with this list [:d]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:25:32 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 4:26:17 PM EDT by avengeusa]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:35:20 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 4:35:59 PM EDT by captainpooby]
#25. Have a cool job and be nonchalant about it.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:40:16 PM EDT
Originally Posted By TitaniumT:
Originally Posted By captainpooby: Gonna pick up the swiffers tomorrow! Thanx!
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Out of curiosity, what are swiffers? TT [wave]
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[url]http://www.homemadesimple.com/swiffer/usenglish/index.shtml[/url] Aviator
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:47:55 PM EDT
Originally Posted By TitaniumT: 1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat.
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Well, at least I'm not bald. Will that work instead?
2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.
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I was a medium about 20 years ago. Now I'm just sad.
5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.
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I already have a pair a shoes. I'll buy another pair when they wear out. That should be sometime in the next six of seven years.
8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.
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Does that mean I can still get her reloading gear?
9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.
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That couch time won't interfere with the Simpsons will it?
11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you.
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Figures my wife is using PSYOPS on me.
12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.
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Hell, I don't have to drive to look ineffectual.
16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.
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Back to the PSYOPS again.
17. If you're late, call.
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I'm never late. I've just been delayed.
19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.
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What if I can just braid them into my mustache?
22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks--closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat--that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.
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Cat petting could be dropped in favor of scratching balls. Two birds - one stone.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 4:59:19 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 5:11:27 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Aviator:
Originally Posted By TitaniumT:
Originally Posted By captainpooby: Gonna pick up the swiffers tomorrow! Thanx!
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Out of curiosity, what are swiffers? TT [wave]
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[url]http://www.homemadesimple.com/swiffer/usenglish/index.shtml[/url] Aviator
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People actually buy those things? TT
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 5:20:48 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 5:22:30 PM EDT by GunnyG]
Originally Posted By TitaniumT:
Originally Posted By captainpooby: Gonna pick up the swiffers tomorrow! Thanx!
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Out of curiosity, what are swiffers? TT [wave]
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Swiffers are for girls...a Real Man uses a Hoover FloorMate! A wet/dry vac that scrubs floors too. It has a Lysol solution for tile and vinyl, and Old English for the hardwood floors. [red meat meal]It works great on the muddy workshop floor[size=1], too.[/size=1][/red meat meal] _________________________________________ [img]http://www.pre-ban.com/forums/ranks/usmc-gsgt.gif[/img][img]http://www.pre-ban.com/forums/images/avatars/471897163ec56dcf95bbe.jpg[/img]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 5:37:17 PM EDT
[rofl2]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 5:37:38 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 5:38:46 PM EDT by Searcherfortruth]
This isn't some kind of covert trick your pulling on Winson Wolf is it TT ? [:D] I think he's already been hurt enough, ok?
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:06:15 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 6:07:36 PM EDT by TRW]
No swiffers for me! The only real way to get a kitchen floor clean is to get down on your hands and knees with a damp cotton hand mop/cloth and mop it twice a day with hot/warm water and pine oil. One of a few things I miss about my Korean ex-wife. (and beofre I get yelled at for being a male chauvinist pig, I also clean floors this way)
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:09:58 PM EDT
...and this is why this type of joke is popular with men: Q: How many battered woman does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, if she knows what's good for her.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:15:30 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 6:16:48 PM EDT by AcidGambit]
[url]http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html[/url] FWIW: Studies have shown that women like the smell of cucumber (jeez, I wonder why) and I have cucumber scented candles all over the house. It works, no shit.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:23:32 PM EDT
After 16 years, she is lucky if I close the bathroom door... I will probably be one of those guys who wakes up divorced one of these days and wonder how that ever happened.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:24:22 PM EDT
Originally Posted By TitaniumT: 1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat.
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However, we will constantly comment on how hot Vin Diesel looks in his short sleeves.
5. Blue Book value isn't everything. Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.
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"don't obsess about money, just make sure you have enough so that I don't have to"
6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.
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So we can complain about how you're not spontaneous enough.
8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.
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best to just not buy gifts at all.
9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.
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then get ready to listen to her drone on about shit you couldn't care less about. And don't bother trying to tell HER about YOUR work, beause then you'll be called boring.
14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.
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See #1 RE: vin deisel.
22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks--closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat--that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.
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This is also a good time to sneak those looks at other women.
23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.
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Swiffers suck, bad. Don't believe the hype. Thanks for the effort TT, but I couldn't resist.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:26:35 PM EDT
More like 23 Ways to tell you're whipped.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:28:10 PM EDT
Originally Posted By norman74: Thanks for the effort TT, but I couldn't resist.
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haha I didn't agree with alot of it either, but found it amusing and thought a few would enjoy it. TT [wave]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:32:06 PM EDT
But what better way to be whipped? Bob [:D]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:35:18 PM EDT
If a chick told me that in person my response would be "I'm not exactly sure what you said, but I think I remember you telling me 23 ways why I should punch you in the face right now"
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:39:04 PM EDT
HEY!!! Whats wrong with you? Around here, sandals and jeans are the best thing since sliced bread... every guy on (somewhere in texas) wears them!! If your gonna be mean, then fine, im Jebus.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:44:01 PM EDT
Originally Posted By SNorman: If a chick told me that in person my response would be "I'm not exactly sure what you said, but I think I remember you telling me 23 ways why I should punch you in the face right now"
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[nuts]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 6:57:00 PM EDT
#26 - Make sure a chick game is in the playstation for after sex gaming. #27 - Always offer a reach around. #28 - Never tell her you can't reach that far around.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 7:19:46 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Balzac72: #26 - Make sure a chick game is in the playstation for after sex gaming. #27 - Always offer a reach around. #28 - Never tell her you can't reach that far around.
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Hahahah, LMAO. HEY, TT...You sure got alot of rules. Ever keep a guy more than a week?[;)]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 7:26:39 PM EDT
Originally Posted By drjarhead:
Originally Posted By Balzac72: #26 - Make sure a chick game is in the playstation for after sex gaming. #27 - Always offer a reach around. #28 - Never tell her you can't reach that far around.
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Hahahah, LMAO. HEY, TT...You sure got alot of rules. Ever keep a guy more than a week?[;)]
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Apparently we have a reading comprehension problem here. I didn't write these (for the third time), I simply posted them for amusement. [:D] How about you? Ever keep a guy a week? [rofl2] TT
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 7:33:14 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 7:35:28 PM EDT by drjarhead]
Originally Posted By TitaniumT:
Originally Posted By drjarhead:
Originally Posted By Balzac72: #26 - Make sure a chick game is in the playstation for after sex gaming. #27 - Always offer a reach around. #28 - Never tell her you can't reach that far around.
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Hahahah, LMAO. HEY, TT...You sure got alot of rules. Ever keep a guy more than a week?[;)]
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Apparently we have a reading comprehension problem here. I didn't write these (for the third time), I simply posted them for amusement. [:D]
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I'm aware. Just a little good natured ribbing. Not like you haven't asked for it[:P] BTW, I have always scored exceedingly high in reading and verbal comprehension.
How about you? Ever keep a guy a week? [rofl2] TT
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Not yet. But I have had my opportunities[naughty]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 9:07:55 PM EDT
Originally Posted By AcidGambit: [url]http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html[/url] FWIW: Studies have shown that women like the smell of cucumber (jeez, I wonder why) and I have cucumber scented candles all over the house. It works, no shit.
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Those bath stores at the mall have a Cucumber melon scented body lotion. Through away the old spice and try it instead. AG is right, women really like that scent for some reason.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 9:13:42 PM EDT
Originally Posted By AR15fan:
Originally Posted By AcidGambit: [url]http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html[/url] FWIW: Studies have shown that women like the smell of cucumber (jeez, I wonder why) and I have cucumber scented candles all over the house. It works, no shit.
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Those bath stores at the mall have a Cucumber melon scented body lotion. Through away the old spice and try it instead. AG is right, women really like that scent for some reason.
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[img]http://www.sunripeproduce.com/html/images/cucumber.jpg[/img] Mr. Subliminal
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 10:23:09 PM EDT
Originally Posted By TitaniumT:
Originally Posted By SNorman: If a chick told me that in person my response would be "I'm not exactly sure what you said, but I think I remember you telling me 23 ways why I should punch you in the face right now"
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[nuts]
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[img]http://www.meowmix.com/i/nib_main_seafood_food.gif[/img]
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 11:06:13 PM EDT
14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.
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How high class is the broad that wrote this? I've got a lot of these bases covered, and I consider myself to be "somewhat" of a gentleman, but my god, this just sets the bar way too high. I want nothing to do with a woman that uses the word "penchant" in everyday speech.
Link Posted: 6/29/2003 11:49:45 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/29/2003 11:58:33 PM EDT by TigerStripe]
Originally Posted By TitaniumT: 1. You can put down the weights and the protein shakes. You might want us to be perfect looking; we simply want you not to be fat.
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Untruth # 1
2. Replace all of those hideous size-extra-large T-shirts with something that actually sort of fits. We think you might be a medium.
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I can't conceal a full sized pistol under a medium.
3. Never allow anyone who listens to baseball on the radio to cut your hair.
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I let a 19 year old Vietnamese chick do it.
4. Purchase sheets that don't contain polyester and that are white.
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I inherited one set white, one set blue.
5. [u]Blue Book value isn't everything.[/u] Take the money you were going to spend putting the backseat DVD theater in your Honda and buy a nice pair of shoes.
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Unless it involves a diamond.
6. We don't care what the plan is. Just have one.
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Just never ask a woman what hers is.
7. Candles. They are so cheap and they are so effective.
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Uh, okay.
8. When you give her a gift, include a card. You can spend less on the gift if you write something nice. Don't buy a card with a message in it, unless you're dating Danielle Steele.
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Don't buy a card without a message unless you write like Danielle Steele.
9. She arrives home from work eager for attention. You arrive home from work eager for several beers and the Simpsons-King of the Hill hour. The moment you come home, hug her, look into her eyes, and say that you're happy to see her. This simple gesture, done with sincerity, will earn you lots of time on the couch.
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This one will work.
10. Buy covered garbage cans for your kitchen and bathroom. They hide stuff we don't want to know about anyway.
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Uh, okay.
11. Make a list entitled "Intolerable Behavior from Women," and when you see it happening, speak up. Let us know you won't be around no matter what, and we'll want to keep you.
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And expect to be kicked in the balls just like TT's animated thing.
12. Drive a stick shift. Men look ineffectual driving automatics.
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No, it makes you look like you can't afford an automatic.
13. Never utter the phrase, "I know I'm no Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington." You're a guy. Merely acting like you think you're hot makes you hot. Be grateful, because women actually have to be hot to be hot.
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What guy would ever say that? The same one who would say, "You're no Jennifer Aniston.."??
14. Short sleeves are for golf only; sandals are for Jesus only.
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Whatever.
15. When a woman asks you to accompany her to a wedding or a family event, R.S.V.P. within 24 hours. If you find that you can't commit, do everyone a favor and break it off.
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Uh, okay.
16. Stop operating on the in-trouble/not-in-trouble paradigm. Just because we're not yelling at you doesn't mean everything is okay.
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Meaning she reserves the right to turn it off for no reason.
17. If you're late, call.
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Duh.
18. Brush your teeth a lot.
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Okay.
19. Realize that if you "keep forgetting" to trim your nose hairs, we will "keep forgetting" to initiate sex.
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Realize she will pull a commando op and tweeze 'em out while you're sleeping.
20. If your television is of a size such that it is regularly commented on, hide it in a cabinet. You might have a penchant for (a) sloth, (b) passivity, or (c) tuning out the world, but she need not be reminded of this every time she walks into your living room.
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No, just the right size to watch "My Best Friend's Wedding" on.
21. You might not know what she wants you to get her for her birthday, but her friends do. Ask them.
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She will then bitch that [u]you[/u] don't really know her.
22. When we are together, sometimes we are occupied with tasks--closing a window, putting on a new CD, petting the cat--that cause us to focus our gaze elsewhere. May we suggest these windows of time as the most favorable for scratching your balls.
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If you can't scratch your balls in front of her it's the equivalent to not allowing her to have her period.
23. Buy a Swiffer and use it. They come in dry (living room) and wet (kitchen and bathroom). Wash your dishes. Pick up your clothes. Swiff. She'll think you're a responsible adult.
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Don't be a complete slob. TS
Link Posted: 6/30/2003 2:07:03 AM EDT
Originally Posted By raven:
Originally Posted By AR15fan:
Originally Posted By AcidGambit: [url]http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html[/url] FWIW: Studies have shown that women like the smell of cucumber (jeez, I wonder why) and I have cucumber scented candles all over the house. It works, no shit.
View Quote
Those bath stores at the mall have a Cucumber melon scented body lotion. Through away the old spice and try it instead. AG is right, women really like that scent for some reason.
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[url]http://www.sunripeproduce.com/html/images/cucumber.jpg[/url] Mr. Subliminal
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Cucumbers heh? Hmmmmmm. What variety do they prefer most, the "straight eight"? [butthead]uh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, uh huh huh huh huh huh[/butthead].
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