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Posted: 6/3/2003 6:37:36 PM EDT
These are our rules! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 4. Crying is blackmail. 5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is... 17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, tree stands, or monster trucks. 21. You have enough clothes. 22. You have too many shoes. 23. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 24. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. 25. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? - it's like camping.
Link Posted: 6/3/2003 6:48:16 PM EDT
Link Posted: 6/3/2003 6:51:33 PM EDT
Facts of life? 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. 2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. 5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder. 7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway. 8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee. 10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does. 11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman. 12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong, caring, loving ... they'd be wrong but you could still use them. 13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets. 14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man. 15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ... "don't" and "stop" (Unless they're used together). 16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's. 17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ... give him a day and he will be back to his usual self. 18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by. 19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden ... he is probably checking out the woman behind you. 20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar ... once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but don't know where it goes. TT [rofl2]
Link Posted: 6/3/2003 9:57:04 PM EDT
[b][size=5]100 Reasons It’s Great To Be A Guy[/b][/size=5] 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. (Unless you smash them into the boards.) 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27. You never have to clean a toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34. You don't have to shave below your neck. 35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut. 59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy without ever thinking He must be mad at me. 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time! 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69. Same work ... more pay! 70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75. 73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote control is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's Sports Center. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." 88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't blister, cut and mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So ... notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch. 100. There's always a game on somewhere.
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