[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Birth Parents - found (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 4/26/2015 9:54:24 AM EDT
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I'm 50 years old and I was adopted at the age of 2 weeks. Ohio was closed adoption from 1964 to 1996 with those records sealed until 3/20 of this year. I have always known I was adopted. My family has been great growing up. My family was fairly well off and I had the best of everything. Very little any kid could have wanted that I did not have, except the knowledge of where I came from. My adopted mother, now 80, supported me fully in my quest for knowledge, good, bad or otherwise. On 3/20 I sent in my paper work to the state, and 10 days ago, my original birth certificate arrived
A quick google search revealed my birth father without much effort ( men don't change their names ) and there is exactly 1 person by that name in the USA. He is 73 years old, lives about a mile as the crow flies from where I grew up and is a wealthy man. I emailed him. He wants nothing to do with me, and 50 years later asked for " Discretion ". I have a half brother and sister by him. Neither is in the family business. Linked in revealed two cousins who are in that business, and they look remarkably like me. So close that it explains why friends at first thought it was me until they realized it was someone else. This explains the doppleganger sightings over the years. In short, we've met without knowing the relationship. My birth mother was harder to track down. It took 3 evenings of work. Women do change their names. Her family had also changed their name due to cold war prejudice and the desire to Americanize the name in the early 1960s. I found my grandparents first, both deceased. This led me to ancestry.com and I found a person identified only by a screen name J****esq had been researching them. I reasoned that from the screen name, esq meant attorney and first initial, last name. I found her on Linked in. I found that she is my first cousin's wife and was researching for her kid's knowledge. gh She put me in touch with my mother. We were on the phone the next day. Turns out my father got her pregnant at 18 and was so fearful of his overbearing mother and the fact that she was not Jewish, that he kicked her to the curb. She was left with no real choice but to put me up for adoption. I was adopted into the same area and demographic that I was born to. She had been looking for me for years, if only to know that I was OK. She spent 50 years crying on my birthday and wondering if she had made the right choice at the time. I assured her that she did, and that I grew up fine. She said that had she kept me, I would have spent the late 60s to early 70s touring hippy camps in the back of a VW micro bus. She is an amazing woman, a real life representation of the free love movement ( after being kicked to the curb ) and that whole era. She has had 4 personal sit downs with the Dhali Llama. I have two sisters from her marriage. We have been conversing this past week and will meet this year. My adopted mother is calling her today. Now, this leaves me with my father. At first I was indifferent, but have come to realize he is perhaps a less than honorable man. His actions 50 years ago and reactions now smack of cowardice and that I cannot tolerate. He was employed in the family business ( about a $50million company ) and did have the means to take care of her and me. He was 23 when I was born, she was 19. She was head over heels in love with him. This was a lot to take in this week. I would like to reach out to my brother and sister and think they deserve to know they have a brother. They are both on Linked in. What sayeth the group? |
Wow, that was a lot to take in just as an outsider. I cannot imagine the emotions you must be feeling. Congrats on your search. As to your question on whether or not to contact your siblings that is a question only you can answer. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
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Dishonorable father deserves to be dishonored. Make it painfully clear you are not out for money to your half siplings, that will be their first reaction. But if you want to have any kind of relationship with them, play it real cool about throwing old dishonorable father under the bus, figuratively and literally.
That said, I am a vengeful bastard, it keeps me warm. 
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Wow...congratulations! 
I own a licensed detective agency and I can't count how many times we've been asked to track down birth parents. To the best of my recollection, it has NEVER gone well. We rarely do them anymore and we never do them without a fully-funded retainer. (...and if I ever find the assclown who started the term, "No find, no fee..." I will personally wring their neck.) Typically, adoptive parents have more assets and disposable income to begin with...that's why they adopted, because they could. And typically, most bio-parents who put their kids up for adoption are still making the same poor life decisions 20 or 30 years later. I like to check up with clients after the proceedings are over, just to see if we helped their case. In these kind of matters, we often hear "my bio-mom/bio-dad's a drunk and called me up to borrow money..." and then they never spoke to them again. 
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Everyone involved is an adult and can make their own decisions. If you feel the desire to reach out to them, go for it. If they want anything to do with you, they'll let you know. If they don't want anything to do with you, they'll disengage like your dad did. Be aware that you could end up shaking things up in their lives. It sounds like everyone is old enough and mature enough to be able to deal with the news if you do reach out to them. You don't owe your dad anything, and it's certainly apparent that he doesn't feel a debt to you. His request for discretion doesn't have a lot of weight. While I wouldn't broadcast it to the world, don't let that stop you from contacting your adult brother and sister if you feel compelled.
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Hey man
I'd try my best to get to know everyone involved and try really hard not to make too many judgement calls. See if "dad" is willing to work on it - at least give him a chance. It's always a shock when the past shows up. Your "real" mom sounds like a sweet lady. It may be worth the effort to get to know both even if one is reticent. Everyone deserves a shot at redemption, I think. I think congratulations are in order though - I'm happy for you that you've resolved a big question mark in your life. I honestly hope that it turns out for the best for you & all involved. |
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Amazing story. I would reckon your bio dad is unreachable and the best you can do is live a great life. I have 4 step sons, their father died in 2001. 2 of the 4 needed me in their lives, one is coming around and the last is unreachable. Well, for now. Things change, I hope your bio dad comes around. |
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As an adoptive parent, I understand the need to search, and even perhaps connect. However, I really do not look forward to that day with my son.
I will never hide from him the fact that he was adopted, but I do hope the he realizes that he's always known his mother and father. Bringing someone into the world doesn't make you that. Being there, sacrificing, loving, building-- through the good times and the hard times-- that makes that. |
| Adopted in 1971. I have ZERO desire to find my biological family. My parents are a little old white couple and their son, whom took a chance on adopting a Sioux Indian and raising him. We(Mrs. IHJ and the two teenagers whom still live at home)are going to their house for Sunday brunch in a few hours, and this is all the family I desire. |
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Good luck on your new journey OP.
I met my birth father when I was 26. He wasn't worth my time and did me a favor by my reckoning. He spent 26 years not caring about being my father and then wonders why I didn't want to strike up a relationship with him. It was a recurring pattern in his life. I have several half sisters that I know of and have no desire to get to know any of them either. It's been 25 years since I met him and I do not regret turning my back on him. |
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This is why I never looked, never wanted to. I only have 1 family and that's the 1 that raised me. This, while I'm grateful to my birth Mother for having me, my REAL parents are the one's who raised me. Never really cared enough to bother looking for either my birth mother or father and at my age, it's a crapshoot if they are alive anyways. |
| Congrats op on your findings. At your age you can understand that people make mistakes and have to live with them. Some, such as your birth mother, did the best they could and have regretted their mistakes. Some, such as your birth father, might never face the facts of their mistakes. You mentioned you were blessed to have wonderful adoption parents that did the best they could for you so try and have understanding that we're all different when it comes to your birth parents. I'd try and get in touch with any and all your family members and get to know who they are. I have a very good friend who had to give her son up years ago. He found her and is a decorated Marine and they have established a wonderful relationship. His father want's nothing to do with it. Be strong and love everyone. |
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My thoughts are to give him a week or so to ponder this. I do know that he divorced his wife at about the same time my brother graduated high school. These are all public records. He is married now for the second or third time. He still lives in the area.
As to my mother, wow, she's fun. She's a liberal and I told her I'm not. Her answer was, It's OK honey, sometimes children rebel. I loved that. We have been exchanging pictures this week and it seems that she is the person who actually did the processing of my baby portrait. The style of the time was black and white photos hand colored and she worked for the studio doing this. She was probably in the room when the photo was taken. Again, this has been overall positive, just a lot to take in. I was sorta bummed at his initial reaction, but hers has been so overwhelmingly positive that it really does outshine everything. The more I hear, the more I think hers is a story that needs to be told. |
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Reach out. This. Your siblings shouldn't have to be punished because their father is a gutless asshole. Don't be vengeful. But your siblings deserve to be in your life and they are all adults, like you, and can make their own decisions. Let them make the decision about whether or not they want to know you. You owe it to them to give them that choice. |
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Tears form as I type.
My daughter reached out and found me. I've never felt so complete. I love her dearly and thought about her all the time. Adoptive parents won't allow any relationship while she's under their roof. (24) she emails in secret. Told her I'm glad to speak up personally if that would help. I would never want to diminish the effort and love the adoptive parents showed while I was a total POS stoner 18yr old. 
I just want her in my life however it has to be for now. 
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My thoughts are to give him a week or so to ponder this. I do know that he divorced his wife at about the same time my brother graduated high school. These are all public records. He is married now for the second or third time. He still lives in the area. As to my mother, wow, she's fun. She's a liberal and I told her I'm not. Her answer was, It's OK honey, sometimes children rebel. I loved that. We have been exchanging pictures this week and it seems that she is the person who actually did the processing of my baby portrait. The style of the time was black and white photos hand colored and she worked for the studio doing this. She was probably in the room when the photo was taken. Again, this has been overall positive, just a lot to take in. I was sorta bummed at his initial reaction, but hers has been so overwhelmingly positive that it really does outshine everything. The more I hear, the more I think hers is a story that needs to be told. Were your adoptive parents liberal? If not, you have not "rebelled." |
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I would contact them. The look on their faces when they realize their inheritance just got a third smaller would be priceless. I doubt there would be anything there. He would have to leave no will and these are not the sort of people to let that happen. Nothing stopping me from taking out a policy on him though. |
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Were your adoptive parents liberal? If not, you have not "rebelled." Quoted:
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My thoughts are to give him a week or so to ponder this. I do know that he divorced his wife at about the same time my brother graduated high school. These are all public records. He is married now for the second or third time. He still lives in the area. As to my mother, wow, she's fun. She's a liberal and I told her I'm not. Her answer was, It's OK honey, sometimes children rebel. I loved that. We have been exchanging pictures this week and it seems that she is the person who actually did the processing of my baby portrait. The style of the time was black and white photos hand colored and she worked for the studio doing this. She was probably in the room when the photo was taken. Again, this has been overall positive, just a lot to take in. I was sorta bummed at his initial reaction, but hers has been so overwhelmingly positive that it really does outshine everything. The more I hear, the more I think hers is a story that needs to be told. Were your adoptive parents liberal? If not, you have not "rebelled." I would characterize them as Liberal in the sense that Kennedy was liberal. Not what it looks like now. |
| I have a friend, adopted from another country who after 35yrs found her biological parents. The male donor was not amused and seems a pretty common reaction. I reality, she is WELL off, and had the best chance for a good life that she could 've have. I'd say the same about you! |
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first hand experience? Quoted:
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If you are real interested in meeting then, go for it. But in most cases, contacting a birth family adds drama and complication to ones life. first hand experience? I'm not adopted. But my wife has four adopted siblings (2 BIL, 2 SIL), two of my best friends are adopted, and I have two adopted cousins. Out of the seven none of them are better off now because they know who their birth parents are, and in a few cases, very much the opposite. I have two adopted children. I hope they don't try to find their birth mom. It would not make anything better. I'm glad OP has luck finding his parents. But until he meets them and developed some sort of relationship, he might not know whether this is a good idea yet. Already he has a father that want nothing to do with him. |
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I'd think I would have thought I had been greatly imposed upon had I gave-up a child and had them contact me 50 years later "just to say hi". He did not want you in his life then and evidently not now....Take the hint and lay-off. It sounds to me like you had a decent upbringing, be thankful for that and move on.
I hate the notion some adult that was given-up as a baby would choose to cause drama (even if they don't mean to) in a family they are not really a part of in the practical sense. The only reason I could possibly think of for behavior like that is if the adult would need a transplant and was looking for a match. Otherwise I see it as very crass behavior. I think the same applies to birth parents that all of a sudden want to be part of the life of the (now adult) kid they gave up. Cuts both ways.
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My thoughts are to give him a week or so to ponder this. I do know that he divorced his wife at about the same time my brother graduated high school. These are all public records. He is married now for the second or third time. He still lives in the area. As to my mother, wow, she's fun. She's a liberal and I told her I'm not. Her answer was, It's OK honey, sometimes children rebel. I loved that. We have been exchanging pictures this week and it seems that she is the person who actually did the processing of my baby portrait. The style of the time was black and white photos hand colored and she worked for the studio doing this. She was probably in the room when the photo was taken. Again, this has been overall positive, just a lot to take in. I was sorta bummed at his initial reaction, but hers has been so overwhelmingly positive that it really does outshine everything. The more I hear, the more I think hers is a story that needs to be told. Sounds like you and your birthmother did fine without him in your life. Sounds like the 23 year old man that got the 18 girl pregnant could not take responsibility for his actions then and the 70 year old man does not have the courage to even meet his son now. Thanks for sharing. I am adopted myself. |
| Got adopted at 8 after many years in and out of foster homes with my brother and sister. My mom said when I was 18 (1983) she would give me the information about the biological unit. After graduation went out and saw her, asked her many questions I already knew the answers too ( wanted to see if she was truthful......she wasn't) got back in contact with my brother and sister who were adopted seperately and never talked to that biological unit again. Have no clue where the sperm doner was. |
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If my father had a son I didn't know about, I'd would not mind him contacting me. As long as he didn't have some big expectations and make a nuisance out of himself.
Try an look at it from their perspective. I wonder if they are not in the family business because they have come to similar conclusions about your father. |
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I'd think I would have thought I had been greatly imposed upon had I gave-up a child and had them contact me 50 years later "just to say hi". He did not want you in his life then and evidently not now....Take the hint and lay-off. It sounds to me like you had a decent upbringing, be thankful for that and move on. I hate the notion some adult that was given-up as a baby would choose to cause drama (even if they don't mean to) in a family they are not really a part of in the practical sense. The only reason I could possibly think of for behavior like that is if the adult would need a transplant and was looking for a match. Otherwise I see it as very crass behavior. I think the same applies to birth parents that all of a sudden want to be part of the life of the (now adult) kid they gave up. Cuts both ways. Exactamundo.... |
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I would not have dug up that personal butt hurt. Best to avoid trouble after 50 years. Your real parents are those that raised you. Forget these new people that you are bringing into your life and family. Trouble would be the only result for you and your real family. Eject now.  |
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The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference..apathy.
Sounds like your birth dad is only worried about his own a$$ even to this day. Eject the apathetic and embrace those who love you...they have earned your loyalty. I'd pray for the man's soul but until he repents apologizes and asks for your and your mother's forgiveness he is useless ...imo I was re-united with my daughter once she turned 18....hasn't worked out to well "so far"...but where there is life...there is always hope. |
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I'd think I would have thought I had been greatly imposed upon had I gave-up a child and had them contact me 50 years later "just to say hi". He did not want you in his life then and evidently not now....Take the hint and lay-off. It sounds to me like you had a decent upbringing, be thankful for that and move on. I hate the notion some adult that was given-up as a baby would choose to cause drama (even if they don't mean to) in a family they are not really a part of in the practical sense. The only reason I could possibly think of for behavior like that is if the adult would need a transplant and was looking for a match. Otherwise I see it as very crass behavior. I think the same applies to birth parents that all of a sudden want to be part of the life of the (now adult) kid they gave up. Cuts both ways. Yes, but you in particular are a different sort and generally anti social. |
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If my father had a son I didn't know about, I'd would not mind him contacting me. As long as he didn't have some big expectations and make a nuisance out of himself. Try an look at it from their perspective. I wonder if they are not in the family business because they have come to similar conclusions about your father. It is possible. The corporate structure lists my father as Chairman of the board with one cousin as President and another as Executive Vice President. |
| I have met my birth mother. She was raped and claims to not know the father. I have my own theory but no proof. We chat on Facebook a bit, and I like her wife (yes, I said wife) but she's in FL and I'm in MI so we've only met face-to-face twice. I am her only child. |
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Exactamundo.... Quoted:
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I'd think I would have thought I had been greatly imposed upon had I gave-up a child and had them contact me 50 years later "just to say hi". He did not want you in his life then and evidently not now....Take the hint and lay-off. It sounds to me like you had a decent upbringing, be thankful for that and move on. I hate the notion some adult that was given-up as a baby would choose to cause drama (even if they don't mean to) in a family they are not really a part of in the practical sense. The only reason I could possibly think of for behavior like that is if the adult would need a transplant and was looking for a match. Otherwise I see it as very crass behavior. I think the same applies to birth parents that all of a sudden want to be part of the life of the (now adult) kid they gave up. Cuts both ways. Exactamundo.... I think to persist, when the bio unit says they're not interested, would be a waste of time. But to make that initial contact, and ask if they're interested? Why not? Maybe they've been waiting and hoping that the kid would contact them. I would think that it would be something that would nag at you, "What if?" If that mere initial contact would be enough to cause trauma for the bio dad or bio mom, then I don't know what to say. Life is full of trauma, I guess. The bio dad in this case sounds like a douchebag. Ditching the 18-year-old girl he knocked up, and now all these years later, still acting like this kid is some impediment or offense to him! What the hell, dude, you knocked up a girl. It's not like anyone forced you to do it. It's not like the kid has been a burden in your life either. I say this as someone who isn't adopted, and so I don't know what it's like... but based on the stories I've heard, I don't think that a simple email or initial contact is out of line, as long as you're ready to back off and let it go if the other person isn't interested. Just realize that there MAY be drama ahead, so proceed with caution. |