[ARCHIVED THREAD] - questionable humor thread. (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 2/16/2015 10:01:41 PM EDT
|
How are single woman over 30 like parking spots at WalMart?
They're either Handicapped or way the hell out there. Lets hear your jokes 
Try not to post anything that will get this locked. |
|
Quoted:
I got locked for making a joke like this once...apparently it was seen as a personal attack lol. Quoted:
Quoted:
Your Mom's a joke... I got locked for making a joke like this once...apparently it was seen as a personal attack lol. Family is off limits. When I see a talented lass, I always admire how her shoulders set back. Sex is just like math. Add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs. And hope they don't multiply. |
|
Quoted:
Syntax and lack of words after "either" is cramping my brain. "either of them" There, that's better. I'm in a bad mood tonight and have no jokes.  Quoted:
Quoted:
why is a rattlesnake like a limp dick? you dont fuck with either Syntax and lack of words after "either" is cramping my brain. "either of them" There, that's better. I'm in a bad mood tonight and have no jokes. 
|
|
Quoted:
Syntax and lack of words after "either" is cramping my brain. "either of them" There, that's better. I'm in a bad mood tonight and have no jokes. Quoted:
Quoted:
why is a rattlesnake like a limp dick? you dont fuck with either Syntax and lack of words after "either" is cramping my brain. "either of them" There, that's better. I'm in a bad mood tonight and have no jokes. Hell, your avatar is enough of a joke for this thread. |
|
Quoted:
Hell, your avatar is enough of a joke for this thread. Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
why is a rattlesnake like a limp dick? you dont fuck with either Syntax and lack of words after "either" is cramping my brain. "either of them" There, that's better. I'm in a bad mood tonight and have no jokes. Hell, your avatar is enough of a joke for this thread. Cheese biscuit fountain |
|
Quoted:
Family is off limits. Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Your Mom's a joke... I got locked for making a joke like this once...apparently it was seen as a personal attack lol. Family is off limits. My friends and I were so bad with "Your Mom" jokes that to us, "Your Mom" is some generic entity worthy of ridicule, and none of us actually think of her as any of our mothers.
|
|
Quoted:
My friends and I were so bad with "Your Mom" jokes that to us, "Your Mom" is some generic entity worthy of ridicule, and none of us actually think of her as any of our mothers. Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Your Mom's a joke... I got locked for making a joke like this once...apparently it was seen as a personal attack lol. Family is off limits. My friends and I were so bad with "Your Mom" jokes that to us, "Your Mom" is some generic entity worthy of ridicule, and none of us actually think of her as any of our mothers. You so ugly, when you were born, the doctor spanked your momma. 
|
|
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Bob asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.” Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world.” The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?” "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck. |
|
So a guy and a girl are stranded on a deserted island. Now the guy is your typical basement dweller. After a few weeks, he convinces the girls to have sex with him. It goes on like that for weeks until the girl, disgusted with her behavior, kills herself About a month later, the guy, disgusted with his own behavior, finally buries the body |
|
Quoted:
I got locked for making a joke like this once...apparently it was seen as a personal attack lol. Quoted:
Quoted:
Your Mom's a joke... I got locked for making a joke like this once...apparently it was seen as a personal attack lol. I'm sure you had already received a warning before your lock. right? 
|
| A rabbi, a lawyer and a priest are on a plane full of orphans. The pilot announces the plane is going down, and there are only enough parachutes for a few of the passengers. The rabbi says, "Let the kids have first priority." The lawyer retorts, "Fuck the kids!" The priest says, "Do you think we have time?" |
|
Quoted:
A rabbi, a lawyer and a priest are on a plane full of orphans. The pilot announces the plane is going down, and there are only enough parachutes for a few of the passengers. The rabbi says, "Let the kids have first priority." The lawyer retorts, "Fuck the kids!" The priest says, "Do you think we have time?" A rabbi and a priest are walking down the street, where they pass a young boy. The priest looks at the boy, and back to the rabbi, and says, "hey, let's go fuck that kid". The rabbi turns, looks the kid up and down, and says to the priest, "out of what"? |
|
Quoted:
Quoted:
So, there's a man crawling through the desert. http://catosdomain.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/3r3shd.jpg So, there's a man crawling through the desert. He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. 
rest of the story |
|
Quoted:
A rabbi, a lawyer and a priest are on a plane full of orphans. The pilot announces the plane is going down, and there are only enough parachutes for a few of the passengers. The rabbi says, "Let the kids have first priority." The lawyer retorts, "Fuck the kids!" The priest says, "Do you think we have time?" Your going to hell for that one. Am I for laughing ?
|
|
"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.
Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that. Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: 'Sack my cook'. And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred." --------------------- The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and cell phone out of your golf bag before you throw it into the lake. ------------------------- Kim Kardashians ass did not break the internet ............. . . . It just left a big CRACK in it... ------------------- Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found out about a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out. |
|
At the end of World War II, ten Russian soldiers were raping a German girl they found hiding under a bed in Berlin.
She kept struggling and screaming "Nein!, NEIN!!". Over and over she kept screaming "NEIN!" So one of them left. ******************************************* Did you hear that Adolf Hitler didn't actually die from suicide, but really died from a heart attack? He saw his gas bill. |
|
Quite possibly the most horrible joke ever:
A pedophile is leading his young victim deep into a forest on a moonless night. The child looks up at him and whimpers, "I'm scared, Mister." The pedophile replies, "I know, but think how I feel... I have to walk out of here alone!" |
|
Quoted:
Quite possibly the most horrible joke ever: A pedophile is leading his young victim deep into a forest on a moonless night. The child looks up at him and whimpers, "I'm scared, Mister." The pedophile replies, "I know, but think how I feel... I have to walk out of here alone!" Nope, the absolute WORST joke in existence has to be this one: Q: Why were the Jews in Auschwitz so clean? A: They always made such good soap. |
| The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. |