[ARCHIVED THREAD] - The Hitman (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 5/25/2014 10:53:23 PM EDT
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The mayor waited alone in the conference room. He was an imposing man. Many politicians are. A man who wants to bend a city to his will has to be able to convince people that he can bend them. Mayor Jordan Jackson usually looked like he could, but he wasn’t so assertive that night. He was wearing a wrinkled suit. He’d been up all day working and schmoozing and doing whatever mayors do when half a million people listen to what they say whenever there’s a microphone nearby. This room was private. He was waiting for a city detective. They’d never met before and the detective didn’t know what to expect. “You’re Detective Nicholas Albert?” he asked. “Yes, sir.” “Take a seat,” he said. He said it softly, but it was still an order. His black hair was sloppy. Gray streaks on either side called attention to his eyes. He had dark, brown eyes that seemed to measure you when you saw them, even when you saw them on a television screen. Now his eyes weren’t so self-assured, at least they didn’t seem so much. Nick Albert sat at the table. A Metro Police Officer in plain clothes shut the door. He was working his way up from patrol to captain by knowing when the boss wanted a private chat. Nick wondered about that kind of a career sometimes. It would be nice to be the boss and make everyone else work weekends and nights and crawl into Hell every so often, but it meant playing nice with the city bosses all the time and he knew he wasn’t cut out for that. He liked being a detective. He liked dealing with criminals. He complained to another officer that even when the bad guys were lying, they each knew where they stood. Politicians were never so clear. “He’s really dead?” “Head first off a six story parking garage, Mayor Jackson,” Nick told him. “He was dead when patrol got there.” “Suicide?” the mayor asked, as if he’d be surprised if the detective said it was. “It looks like he fell.” The mayor looked down at the table, then rubbed the skin under his nose softly a few times. “Does it look like he was murdered?” he asked. “There is no evidence to suggest that at this time, sir. We'll get an autopsy. They’ll have to wait for the blood tests, but it looks like Isaac Newton did it.” “That’s funny,” Jackson said, not smiling. “Was he drunk?” “It looks like he slipped in a puddle and fell over the rail. I haven’t figured out why he was walking so close to the railing, but that’s where he was. If he was drunk, that might explain it. He was a big donor, wasn't he?" The mayor nodded. "You spent time with him. Did he drink too much?” “No. He hardly drank at all.” The mayor waited for a few moments, then looked up and changed his tone. “We’ll have to issue a statement since he was close to the Mayor’s office.” He waited. He was thinking. Nick Albert was watching the wheels of government turn from a unique perspective. “Are you sure he fell?” “You think maybe he was pushed?” “A lot of people hated that man.” Mayors usually say nicer things when their kingmaker takes a header into a sidewalk. He sat still. He was looking down at the table but not really looking at it. His mind was on something. “Did you hate him, Mr. Mayor?” “We needed him, Detective Albert. He helped bring a lot of change to this city.” “If you’ll excuse me, sir, I’ve heard more stirring memorials.” “Wait until you see the news tomorrow." Now on Kindle Select, so it can't compete with them elsewhere. |
I got to the point where the mayor and his aide left the interrogation room and realized the story wasn't going to end soon. 
But I liked what I read! I just hate reading that big an article/book on a phone with no.place to bookmark if I walk away. Get this published on Amazon and i'll download it to my kindle. Congrats OP! You're now a published author! 
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I like the story so far.
Only thing missing is, Serge being the killer of the rapist money dude, and Coleman accidentally destroying all the evidence by being careless with a bong, while Detective Nick meets with ex-Detective Mahoney and finds out that the money guy was also a member of the Mierda Cartel. |
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I like the story so far. Only thing missing is, Serge being the killer of the rapist money dude, and Coleman accidentally destroying all the evidence by being careless with a bong, while Detective Nick meets with ex-Detective Mahoney and finds out that the money guy was also a member of the Mierda Cartel. I'm not reading all of this this early, but if it's similar to Tim Dorsey then I'm going to check it out later. |
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I'm not reading all of this this early, but if it's similar to Tim Dorsey then I'm going to check it out later. Quoted:
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I like the story so far. Only thing missing is, Serge being the killer of the rapist money dude, and Coleman accidentally destroying all the evidence by being careless with a bong, while Detective Nick meets with ex-Detective Mahoney and finds out that the money guy was also a member of the Mierda Cartel. I'm not reading all of this this early, but if it's similar to Tim Dorsey then I'm going to check it out later. It's not, really. But it is Florida weirdness. |
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I'm surprised it needed to be said: Pics of Jayne? http://newscififangirl.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/jayne-04.jpg 
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Quoted:
I like the story so far. Only thing missing is, Serge being the killer of the rapist money dude, and Coleman accidentally destroying all the evidence by being careless with a bong, while Detective Nick meets with ex-Detective Mahoney and finds out that the money guy was also a member of the Mierda Cartel. Heh. Tim Dorsey is the shit |
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I have it as a pdf file. Where could I save it so I could could link it? Quoted:
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You could have put it up as a PDF file and just linked to it or something, reading it in this format is not easy on the eyes. I have it as a pdf file. Where could I save it so I could could link it? Dropbox probably works unless it's huge. |
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Dropbox probably works unless it's huge. Quoted:
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You could have put it up as a PDF file and just linked to it or something, reading it in this format is not easy on the eyes. I have it as a pdf file. Where could I save it so I could could link it? Dropbox probably works unless it's huge. tag for this! |
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I liked it. One thing that bothered me was the detective going from first person to third person too much. It got a little confusing in a couple paragraphs when I couldn't figure out who I and he and me were. I would've picked a perspective and stuck with it.
Also I'm not sure about the hard drive getting formatted remotely while they were watching it and making the weird sounds and such. It seemed a bit far-fetched. I'd clean that up a little and make it already erased when they went to check it. Maybe the detective seen another camera at a car wash down the street that the kid didn't know about and saw the Toyota leaving on it. Other than those nitpicks though I quite enjoyed it. |
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I liked it. One thing that bothered me was the detective going from first person to third person too much. It got a little confusing in a couple paragraphs when I couldn't figure out who I and he and me were. I would've picked a perspective and stuck with it. Also I'm not sure about the hard drive getting formatted remotely while they were watching it and making the weird sounds and such. It seemed a bit far-fetched. I'd clean that up a little and make it already erased when they went to check it. Maybe the detective seen another camera at a car wash down the street that the kid didn't know about and saw the Toyota leaving on it. Other than those nitpicks though I quite enjoyed it. The hard drive thing was the only piece of real bullshit that I put in there. It's wrong, but it set up a cool scene and it made the point. A computer head who was that smart would have canned those videos the day after they were recorded. It's a plot hole that made the point. The story was originally written in first person. I changed it to third. I thought I edited all the first person pieces, but I guess I missed a few. Do you remember where they were? |
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The hard drive thing was the only piece of real bullshit that I put in there. It's wrong, but it set up a cool scene and it made the point. A computer head who was that smart would have canned those videos the day after they were recorded. It's a plot hole that made the point. The story was originally written in first person. I changed it to third. I thought I edited all the first person pieces, but I guess I missed a few. Do you remember where they were? Quoted:
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I liked it. One thing that bothered me was the detective going from first person to third person too much. It got a little confusing in a couple paragraphs when I couldn't figure out who I and he and me were. I would've picked a perspective and stuck with it. Also I'm not sure about the hard drive getting formatted remotely while they were watching it and making the weird sounds and such. It seemed a bit far-fetched. I'd clean that up a little and make it already erased when they went to check it. Maybe the detective seen another camera at a car wash down the street that the kid didn't know about and saw the Toyota leaving on it. Other than those nitpicks though I quite enjoyed it. The hard drive thing was the only piece of real bullshit that I put in there. It's wrong, but it set up a cool scene and it made the point. A computer head who was that smart would have canned those videos the day after they were recorded. It's a plot hole that made the point. The story was originally written in first person. I changed it to third. I thought I edited all the first person pieces, but I guess I missed a few. Do you remember where they were? I was going to quote them but then I got reading and forgot. There were at least two I think where he becomes an "I"...maybe towards the beginning to middle. Can't remember. And I see your point about the point. |
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I was going to quote them but then I got reading and forgot. There were at least two I think where he becomes an "I"...maybe towards the beginning to middle. Can't remember. And I see your point about the point. Quoted:
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I liked it. One thing that bothered me was the detective going from first person to third person too much. It got a little confusing in a couple paragraphs when I couldn't figure out who I and he and me were. I would've picked a perspective and stuck with it. Also I'm not sure about the hard drive getting formatted remotely while they were watching it and making the weird sounds and such. It seemed a bit far-fetched. I'd clean that up a little and make it already erased when they went to check it. Maybe the detective seen another camera at a car wash down the street that the kid didn't know about and saw the Toyota leaving on it. Other than those nitpicks though I quite enjoyed it. The hard drive thing was the only piece of real bullshit that I put in there. It's wrong, but it set up a cool scene and it made the point. A computer head who was that smart would have canned those videos the day after they were recorded. It's a plot hole that made the point. The story was originally written in first person. I changed it to third. I thought I edited all the first person pieces, but I guess I missed a few. Do you remember where they were? I was going to quote them but then I got reading and forgot. There were at least two I think where he becomes an "I"...maybe towards the beginning to middle. Can't remember. And I see your point about the point. Thanks, I found them. Just had to search for "I" and eliminate the mistakes. |
