[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Bad Breakup.. (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 9/29/2002 12:34:01 PM EDT
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Well, I didn't want to write this post until everything was straight, but its official me and my live-in boyfriend have parted ways and he moved back home to his parents for awhile to get his life straightened out. I'm not going to place the blame on him, so don't worry, we were both to blame on the way we let things become the way they did. I shouldn't have nagged to him as much, he should have paid me some kind of rent(contributed some kind of money) for the 6 months we lived together. He shouldn't have started to put me down; I should have helped around the house more. Things came to a head three weeks ago when I met a new guy; my next door neighbor. I told my boyfriend that I didn't think it was working out anymore and that I had felt this way for a long time now(past few months), which he was all aware of. he was very hurt by the fact that I wanted him to move out and break up, for which I am very sorry that I hurt him in any way. He started to get very angry with me every time after when we started talking and he kept begging for longer to stay(I gave him three weeks notice to move out, which seemed like a lot of time, since he had already been living with me for 6 months and should have saved some money by now(he was working 40+ hours a week). I put my foot down and this escalated on monday night when he asked again for a two week extension and when I refused he threatened me. I went to my neighbor who told me to call the cops. I did so and they talked to both of us separately and the cops said that since we had been living together for 6 months now that it was considered common law and he had a right to stay there for the time being. Therefore, I gathered some stuff and went to my neighbors house to stay this past week. They said I could get him evicted(by calling the landlord I work for) if he wasn't out by my October 1st deadline. However, he left today and has taken all of his stuff with him. We parted on good terms and each let the other keep some stuff, etc.. I am happy we didn't end things as miserably as it could have been. He has admitted that what he did was wrong and I admit I didn't do some good things either, namely dating the neighbor for two weeks while he was still living in my place even though we were broken up.. The neighbor and I have broken up for the time being until I can figure some stuff out; I definitely need some "me" time right now after getting out of my first serious relationship of 3 years.. I am glad I could get this entire situation off of my chest. My ex didn't want me to inform you guys of these developments fearing you'd judge him harshly, so please have some compassion for him, remember it is a two way street in all of this.. I know he had no right to threaten me or verbally abuse me and I am going to counseling now to discuss these issues further. In conclusion, any advice on what to do next for me would be greatly appreciated.. I feel that I am over him and that maybe we might be able to get back together some day if we have some time away from each other and grow as people, and maybe we won't.. I really am interested in the new guy but I really need some time on my own, how long should I wait until I possibly am interested in a relationship with him again, if I will even want him by then?? Thank you for your time.. -Andrea |
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Quoted: ...In conclusion, any advice on what to do next for me would be greatly appreciated.... -Andrea Well Andrea, Do what I always do in times of great stress and frustration.... dump some ammo through your guns! [:D]. It is amazing the clarity that it will bring to almost any situation once you are able to get the anger and the rage out on a poor, unsuspecting, paper target. Once you have done that just do what ever comes naturally. These things always have a way of working themselves out it seems. -Owen |
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I feel that I am over him and that maybe we might be able to get back together some day if we have some time away from each other and grow as people, and maybe we won't.. I really am interested in the new guy but I really need some time on my own, how long should I wait until I possibly am interested in a relationship with him again, if I will even want him by then?? Ahh............Oh shit never mind! I wouldnt touch this situation with a 10 foot pole! |
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Quoted: Do what I always do in times of great stress and frustration.... dump some ammo through your guns! and to add to that, treat yourself to a new gun. I'm still aching from a breakup years ago and darn it I keep getting more guns. They don't make me any fatter like turing to food would and they lead me to do stupid things like drowning my sorrows in alcohol would. Firepower therapy. [heavy] |
| Sounds to me like the decision was made up when you met the neighbor. As far as getting back together someday...Its a waste of typing. This happened to me about 18 years ago. A guy at her work was talking to her and instructing her on every little problem we had...she fell for it...LOL...Just be careful Blonde_BombShell, I'm sure you are a great person, but sounds like this neighbor has you hook line and sinker. Just my thoughts...Good luck to you and keep us posted...Trucker |
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Quoted: Sounds to me like the decision was made up when you met the neighbor. As far as getting back together someday...Its a waste of typing. This happened to me about 18 years ago. A guy at her work was talking to her and instructing her on every little problem we had...she fell for it...LOL...Just be careful Blonde_BombShell, I'm sure you are a great person, but sounds like this neighbor has you hook line and sinker. Just my thoughts...Good luck to you and keep us posted...Trucker Why would the neighbor be bad news?? |
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My impression is that women generally seek new men (or cheat) if something is substantially missing from their current relationship. Before you jump into a new relationship, make sure that you spend time figuring out (1) what was really missing in your old relationship, and (2) what exactly is it you want in your new relationship (and what are you willing to give). Spend some time figuring these things out before you enter a new relationship. Just my advice - not trying to tell you what to do. |
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Quoted: "Things [i]came to a head[/i] three weeks ago when I met a new guy; my next door neighbor...." hmmmmmmmmm.... [:O] Secretary: How do you write women so well? Melvin Udall: Easy. I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability. From the movie [i]As good as it gets[/i]. |
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Quoted: In conclusion, any advice on what to do next for me would be greatly appreciated.. I feel that I am over him and that maybe we might be able to get back together some day if we have some time away from each other and grow as people, and maybe we won't.. I really am interested in the new guy but I really need some time on my own, how long should I wait until I possibly am interested in a relationship with him again, if I will even want him by then?? Thank you for your time.. -Andrea It is time for Dr. QC. First forget him. It did not work, it will never work. If it was going to work it would have. Second. Why go from one loser to another. Most woman use men like a trapeze. Take some time off, work on your grades, go out and have fun and learn to get to know people before having a relationship with them. Finally. Take your time and respect yourself, your ideas and intuition. Stop by the receptionist on the way out for your bill. See you in two days for your next session. |
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Last November my fiance and I split up. In hindsight it was a couple months in the making, but we were working on our issues. September 11 did us in as we both worked on the recovery and lost friends that day. While it brought some together, it drove us apart. Anyway I think your mistake was in dragging out the living situation as long as you did. Sounds like his family was local and he could have been out sooner? The night we split up, three days before Thanksgiving was hard. It happened at 11:30 at night. We were living together, had been for about eight months, but I still had my apartment. She said there was no need to go that night because it was so late. Nope, packed up my stuff and moved out at 1:00 in the morning. Just seemed like the right thing to do. Of course, you always miss a few things which means having to see each other again. We last saw each other on New Year's eve after work when she gave me my last few things she found. We were supposed to get married October 12 of this year, it will be a hard day, but it will be a reminder of thongs happening for a reason and mistakes avoided. |
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Quoted: We were supposed to get married October 12 of this year, it will be a hard day, but it will be a reminder of thongs happening for a reason and mistakes avoided. LMAO!!! Im sorry but, it just brought back memories. My ex fiancee and I were supposed to be married on may 23rd. On May 22nd she was on a plane back to NY. That was like 10 years ago... found a MUCH BETTER woman and now have 2 kids... things work out that way. |
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Clearly you need a change of pace & environment. You should immediately pack up & move to Nashville. I would be more than happy to help you get settled & show you where all the gun ranges & clubs & shows are!!! Did I mention that I'm single too? :)) (No comment needed from Eric the Hun!) >gg< |
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Quoted: Last November my fiance and I split up. In hindsight it was a couple months in the making, but we were working on our issues. September 11 did us in as we both worked on the recovery and lost friends that day. While it brought some together, it drove us apart. Anyway I think your mistake was in dragging out the living situation as long as you did. Sounds like his family was local and he could have been out sooner? The night we split up, three days before Thanksgiving was hard. It happened at 11:30 at night. We were living together, had been for about eight months, but I still had my apartment. She said there was no need to go that night because it was so late. Nope, packed up my stuff and moved out at 1:00 in the morning. Just seemed like the right thing to do. Of course, you always miss a few things which means having to see each other again. We last saw each other on New Year's eve after work when she gave me my last few things she found. We were supposed to get married October 12 of this year, it will be a hard day, but it will be a reminder of thongs happening for a reason and mistakes avoided. His family is actually hundreds of miles away. I know I should have not let him linger on like this and maybe if I had been more firmer about it being temporary from the start things wouldn't have gotten as badly as they did. |
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For all of those who have said it was my fault, I will say what I said before, that I accept some of the blame in this. It has been rough right now living there without him. You get so used to someone being there that it hurts when they aren't anymore. I am sure he is feeling just as badly if not worse than me. Also, here is some more information on the other guy..I believe the new guy just used me and then threw me away because I believe we may have been just a rebound for each other. Any opinions on THAT one? He hasn't dated anyone in over a year since his girlfriend died in 9/11 and he basically got involved with me for two weeks then broke up with me the night I called the cops on my ex. However, he let me stay at his place for a week and has done a lot for me, but says that we should just "be good friends" right now until I feel I am ready for a relationship. He says he wants to try again down the road because we really had a connection. I am wondering if this is just bs or if he is looking out for my overall welfare rather than just going with it. maybe I am just being too selfish. I realize we started out on the wrong foot for a relationship and we both weren't ready yet for one, but I wonder if it was all a mistake? Opinions please.. |
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Quoted: For all of those who have said it was my fault, I will say what I said before, that I accept some of the blame in this. It has been rough right now living there without him. You get so used to someone being there that it hurts when they aren't anymore. I am sure he is feeling just as badly if not worse than me. Hehe.....like guys never fuck up. Maybe I'm jaded, but compared to some of the things I've witnessed/experienced first hand......I didn't think you did anything really wrong. It wasn't exactly nice, but I wouldn't call it wrong.... S'why the 'me time' really ought to be 'active me time'. Keep your mind occupied while it comes to terms with these feelings. It's a cover.....plain and simple. It's why people have 'rebounds'....you have someone just to mask/substitute what you had to cover the feelings.....and then drop when things are better. Of course, sometimes that backfires.... Also, here is some more information on the other guy..I believe the new guy just used me and then threw me away because I believe we may have been just a rebound for each other. Any opinions on THAT one? He hasn't dated anyone in over a year since his girlfriend died in 9/11 and he basically got involved with me for two weeks then broke up with me the night I called the cops on my ex. However, he let me stay at his place for a week and has done a lot for me, but says that we should just "be good friends" right now until I feel I am ready for a relationship. He says he wants to try again down the road because we really had a connection. I am wondering if this is just bs or if he is looking out for my overall welfare rather than just going with it. maybe I am just being too selfish. I realize we started out on the wrong foot for a relationship and we both weren't ready yet for one, but I wonder if it was all a mistake? Opinions please.. Sounds like both you and he need some time to process things.... Now, I must preface this with the fact that I am a skeptic as well as a cynic.....but his actions to me (the dump/help/friends/connection thing) just seem to scream 'Can we be friends that fuck?' My honest opinion, pass. Keep in mind my preface, but if someone is going to dump you at a time like that.....that truly does not speak well of their character. |
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Dr. QC is in: Quoted: For all of those who have said it was my fault, I will say what I said before, that I accept some of the blame in this. Hmmm, ok please elaborate. It has been rough right now living there without him. Why is that? You get so used to someone being there that it hurts when they aren't anymore. Do you think he is hurting also? I am sure he is feeling just as badly if not worse than me. Healing takes time, well it looks like your time is up. I have to get my Corvette to the garage. I will see..... Also, here is some more information on the other guy.. Hmmmmm, Ok. I believe the new guy just used me and then threw me away because I believe we may have been just a rebound for each other. I am not sure It would be appropriate for me to comment. Any opinions on THAT one? Well, Lets see, go ahead and explain. He hasn't dated anyone in over a year since his girlfriend died in 9/11 and he basically got involved with me for two weeks then broke up with me the night I called the cops on my ex. I hate to be blunt, but I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you this.... It sounds like he wanted a sympathy f-ck. However, he let me stay at his place for a week and has done a lot for me, but says that we should just "be good friends" right now until I feel I am ready for a relationship. Yes, sounds like the classic signs of a sympathy f-ck. I bet he wants to keep you emotionally involved. He says he wants to try again down the road because we really had a connection. Why do you think he would want to do that? I am wondering if this is just bs or if he is looking out for my overall welfare rather than just going with it. I think he wants options. maybe I am just being too selfish. I realize we started out on the wrong foot for a relationship and we both weren't ready yet for one, but I wonder if it was all a mistake? Opinions please.. Look, my time is up. I need to get the Vette looked at. I will see you tomorrow. |
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Take some me time. Don't get very involved with anyone for awhile. Trust me, been there, got that, she moved out with the T-shirt (after I broke it off). Grab some friends and go blow some steam. Movies, dancing, whatever does it. Or maybe something different. If you don't have a lot of friends in the area AND you happen to be close to the Raleigh-Durham area, drop me an email at yahoo.com and I'll round up a mixed crowd. Sounds like you learned something from this, so at least it wasn't all a waste of time. Take care. |
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That was classic QCMGR, bravo! B-Bomb, Men that don't contribute are POS in my book, 40hours a week and doesn't help out with the bills, WTF. Your better off finding someone that has an appreciation for responsibility, dead beat are a dime a dozen. [b]I would bet there are a lot of single men here that would fly in to keep you company if your feeling lonely. Plus you know they have money if they can fly in for the weekend[/b] |
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Quoted: I believe the new guy just used me Uh-huh then threw me away because I believe we may have been just a rebound for each other. Any opinions on THAT one? I believe that's your opinion but, not his reason. then broke up with me the night I called the cops on my ex. Gee, he wasn't interested in staying in for fun and games like that? However, he let me stay at his place for a week Perhaps a week was all he could take. but says that we should just "be good friends" Classically a woman's line but, I have used it from time to time. It means "Time for you to go; don't go away mad, just go. Don't call me, I'll call you when I'm horny. Opinions please.. Ask and ye shall receive...... Let me know if I can be of anymore help. I will not give out any true trade secrets but, will help where I can. 1GUNRUNNER |
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"We were supposed to get married October 12 of this year, it will be a hard day, but it will be a reminder of thongs happening for a reason and mistakes avoided." Yep, thongs do happen. [:)] Edited to add that you two cannot communicate worth a shit. Then you cannot communicate with the neighbor either. I wonder where it all went wrong? |
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Dr. PRK is in.... The easiest solution to your problems would be to get you nails done and change the color of your hair. Then you can work on what seems to be very shrunken ego, going by your screeen name and past posts. You say your new guy broke up with you the same night you called the cops on your live-in? Who'da thunk it? Your ex didn't contribute anything, you say? Didn't ever buy you ANYTHING or pay the tab when you went out? He moved in because though working full-time, he didn't have enough money to pay his rent? Hmmmm.....was he spending it on you? Since you work in the apartment office, you can easily find out who the new guys are that are moving in. I suggest you start hitting on at least three of the new male tenants, and start chatting up the established ones. You probably see them at least once a month. Don't worry if they're already in a relationship or trying to get out of one...that hasn't seemed to put any barriers up for you so far. Try to keep at least 4 or 5 of them properly teased up.... after all, isn't this just about YOU never lacking for anything? |
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Dr. QC is in: Andrea did you write down your issues for this week? Well, I didn't want to write this post until everything was straight, but its official me and my live-in boyfriend have parted ways and he moved back home to his parents for awhile to get his life straightened out. How does that make you feel? I'm not going to place the blame on him, so don't worry, we were both to blame on the way we let things become the way they did. I am not here to judge you, why do you think it failed. I shouldn't have nagged to him as much, and…. he should have paid me some kind of rent(contributed some kind of money) for the 6 months we lived together. Was it just the financial strain? He shouldn't have started to put me down; Now, it cannot be his entire fault, can it? How did you contribute to the break-up? I should have helped around the house more. What finally made you decide it was over? Things came to a head three weeks ago when I met a new guy; my next door neighbor. This is interesting, how did it make you feel? I told my boyfriend that I didn't think it was working out anymore and that I had felt this way for a long time now(past few months), which he was all aware of. How did he react? he was very hurt by the fact that I wanted him to move out and break up, for which I am very sorry that I hurt him in any way. Like the song say, "breaking up is hard to do". It looks like our time is up. I am going to the Corvette club, we are having…… He started to get very angry with me every time after when we started talking and he kept begging for longer to stay(I gave him three weeks notice to move out, which seemed like a lot of time, since he had already been living with me for 6 months and should have saved some money by now(he was working 40+ hours a week). …….a meeting. I put my foot down and this escalated on monday night when he asked again for a two week extension and when I refused he threatened me. Ok, what happened next? I went to my neighbor who told me to call the cops. Interesting, were you afraid or vindictive? I did so and they talked to both of us separately and the cops said that since we had been living together for 6 months now that it was considered common law and he had a right to stay there for the time being. Did you stay? It must have been a good idea to leave. Therefore, I gathered some stuff and went to my neighbors house to stay this past week. They said I could get him evicted(by calling the landlord I work for) if he wasn't out by my October 1st deadline. Well I am glad it worked out. I will see you…… However, he left today and has taken all of his stuff with him. That nice, was he upset? We parted on good terms and each let the other keep some stuff, etc.. I am happy we didn't end things as miserably as it could have been. Was he in denial? He has admitted that what he did was wrong and I admit I didn't do some good things either, namely dating the neighbor for two weeks while he was still living in my place even though we were broken up.. Interesting did you feel like a slut or are you still actively involved? The neighbor and I have broken up for the time being until I can figure some stuff out; I definitely need some "me" time right now after getting out of my first serious relationship of 3 years.. I would agree. I will see you next week please see….. I am glad I could get this entire situation off of my chest. My ex didn't want me to inform you guys of these developments fearing you'd judge him harshly, so please have some compassion for him, remember it is a two way street in all of this.. I will, now time to go. I know he had no right to threaten me or verbally abuse me and I am going to counseling now to discuss these issues further. I can understand why. I am glad you are here. In conclusion, any advice on what to do next for me would be greatly appreciated.. Next week. I feel that I am over him and that maybe we might be able to get back together some day if we have some time away from each other and grow as people, and maybe we won't. That is probably not a good idea. I really am interested in the new guy but I really need some time on my own, how long should I wait until I possibly am interested in a relationship with him again, if I will even want him by then?? We can talk more next time. Thank you for your time. Good-by. |
| Not to flame or anything but what happen to the good ol' days where you just broke up and that was it? Now it seems that any time a little heart break happens or you have a shitty day everyone runs to a damn therapist. When me and my ex split I went out, got drunk and knocked the bottom out of a PYT (pretty, young thing) I met at the club. The next morning I got up and the world seemed brighter. If you need a therapist, talk to Jim Beam. It's a hell of alot cheaper and works wonders. Just my .02 worth. |
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Penrod how are you feeling tonight? Anything bothering you? Not to flame or anything but what happen to the good ol' days where you just broke up and that was it? Funny you say that. Now it seems that any time a little heart break happens or you have a shitty day everyone runs to a damn therapist. Now come on, Dr. QC has Vette payments. How did you handle it? When me and my ex split I went out, got drunk and knocked the bottom out of a PYT (pretty, young thing) I met at the club. How did that make you feel? The next morning I got up and the world seemed brighter. Well Penrod, problem is, I don't have a therapist. If you need a therapist, talk to Jim Beam. It's a hell of alot cheaper and works wonders. Just my .02 worth. I will take that under advisement. |
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Quoted: again for a two week extension and when I refused he threatened me. I went to my neighbor who told me to call the cops. I did so and they talked to both of us separately and the cops said that since we had been living together for 6 months now that it was considered common law and he had a right to stay there for the time being. Therefore, I gathered some stuff and went to my neighbors house to stay this past week. They said I could get him evicted(by calling the landlord I work for) if he wasn't out by my October 1st deadline. Did he have his name on the lease or did he put any money into the apartment? If he wasn't married to you and and didn't contribute financially to your lease how could he have a "right" to live there for a time after you ordered him to leave? |
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Quoted: .I believe the new guy just used me and then threw me away because I believe we may have been just a rebound for each other. Any opinions on THAT one? He hasn't dated anyone in over a year since his girlfriend died in 9/11 and he basically got involved with me for two weeks then broke up with me the night I called the cops on my ex. However, he let me stay at his place for a week and has done a lot for me, but says that we should just "be good friends" right now until I feel I am ready for a relationship. He says he wants to try again down the road because we really had a connection. I am wondering if this is just bs or if he is looking out for my overall welfare rather than just going with it. maybe I am just being too selfish. I realize we started out on the wrong foot for a relationship and we both weren't ready yet for one, but I wonder if it was all a mistake? Opinions please.. Of course he used you. And you used him, to do a rotten thing to your freeloading Ex. This new guy will have ZERO respect for you forever. And rightly so, for dating him, while still living for your Ex. You dodged most of the pain so far, by having a backup guy, but as they say, what comes around goes around. My advice is to cut your losses, and start out fresh. Some time single wouldn't hurt. At the very least, for Gods sake find a guy that is has some morals. You will be happier in the long run. If this new guy will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you. Why is it that some people have such a hard time understanding that? The rationalisation about "We were living together, though we were split up" sounds alot like Clintonian doublespeak semantics. All you can really do is learn from the past, and try not to repeat it. I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best for you and the Ex. As for this neighbor, though life has been unkind to him, I'm not sure that it gives him a free pass to be a shitbag. BTW, I hope your Ex was able to buy some nice AR's and accessories with the $$ he saved by not paying rent! |
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Quoted: Did he have his name on the lease or did he put any money into the apartment? If he wasn't married to you and and didn't contribute financially to your lease how could he have a "right" to live there for a time after you ordered him to leave? *sigh* Look at the big picture.... |
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Quoted: Also, here is some more information on the other guy..I believe the new guy just used me and then threw me away because I believe we may have been just a rebound for each other. Any opinions on THAT one? He hasn't dated anyone in over a year since his girlfriend died in 9/11 and [red]he basically got involved with me for two weeks then broke up with me the night I called the cops on my ex. However, he let me stay at his place for a week and has done a lot for me, but says that we should just "be good friends" right now until I feel I am ready for a relationship. He says he wants to try again down the road because we really had a connection.[/red] I am wondering if this is just bs or if he is looking out for my overall welfare rather than just going with it. maybe I am just being too selfish. I realize we started out on the wrong foot for a relationship and we both weren't ready yet for one, but I wonder if it was all a mistake? Opinions please.. |