[ARCHIVED THREAD] - State jokes... (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 10/5/2011 10:14:42 AM EDT
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What is the difference between a good Maryland driver and a unicorn?
At least the unicorn exists in legend. Made that one up while driving yesterday. 
Anyone got any good ones? |
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Quoted: What is the difference between a good Maryland driver and a unicorn? At least the unicorn exists in legend. Made that one up while driving yesterday. Anyone got any good ones? The truth is WV are the worst, well, second worse to NJ. Apparently the use of blinkers is not taught in WV drivers ed, oh that's right, West Virginians get their DL's from a Cracker Jack box. BTW, I am a WVU grad and am married to a WV girl. |
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Quoted:
The truth is WV are the worst, well, second worse to NJ. Apparently the use of blinkers is not taught in WV drivers ed. BTW, I am a WVU grad and am married to a WV girl. 1. Have you ever lived within 20 minutes of the MD border? MD is the fucking worst, with DC trailing behind very closely. 2. Wouldn't know, I am a native Virginian. 3. Doesn't change the fact that you are a damn Ohioan.
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A major earthquake measuring 7.8 in the Richter scale hit Liverpool. The epicentre was in Huyton. Shock waves were felt as far afield as Bolton, Manchester and Essex. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order", "mental" and "that did my head in". The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken before their giros arrived. The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered. They are still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage was caused by something else instead of them. One resident Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running through the cardboard door into my bedroom crying. My hands were shaking so much that I could hardly shoot-up when I was watching Trisha the next morning". Another local resident known as Macca said the earthquake would not stop him going to work, after all, the T.W.O.C'ing, Burglaries and Graffiti would not do themselves. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers were still searching through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Dukes, bone china from Poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues. However, they were unable to save any furniture from Crazy George's. How can you help? This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Most needed are Kappa or other tracksuits (his and hers), white socks to tuck the tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok trainers. Primark clothing is most welcome. Food parcels are also needed. They include Mcains Micro-Chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Nutella chocolate spread and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lightening cider and Carlsberg Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed, 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on purposes, £1.50 buys cheese & chips and £26 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos. |
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Three guys walking on the beach, one from New Hampshire, one from Maine, and one from Massachusetts. They see something shiny and the NH and Maine guys dig it up. The guy from Massachusetts grabs on and tries to take it. POOF! out pops a genie.
Genie says "I only grant wishes that are for the good of others. You each get one wish, so make it count". NH dude thinks a minute and says "I'm sick of all the city folk invading my once-peaceful and beautiful state. Send 'em all home" POOF! Genie says "Done deal, you just doubled the population of Massachusetts". Guy from Massachusetts thinks a minute then says " I want to protect our citizens and our way of life. No more evil guns coming into our lovely commonwealth, build a wall around our fine state, 200 feet tall and thick enough that nothing can get in or out. That should protect us". POOF, genie says "wall is up, no one and nothing may pass through". Mainer thinks for a few minutes then asks the genie to tell him more about that wall. The genie explains that it is tall and strong, nothing could ever break the magic wall and not so much as a Kennedy fart could ever get through it. Genie asks if the Mainer wants one too. Mainer says "no, no I don't". Genie is getting impatient and says "so what do you want? Hurry up". Mainer looks at the guy from NH, then smiles and says " Fill that fucker with water!" |
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What does a Pennsylvania Turnpike construction site and opening night at the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra have in common? No construction workers.
The Public Library of Elkton, Maryland would like you to know that their book is back and ready to be checked out! A young couple were getting hot and heavy in the back seat of the car. "Kiss me in a dirty place," she whispered. He drove her to New Jersey. I'm convinced that Delaware's state flower is a traffic light. How do you break an Alabaman's finger? Punch him in the nose. |
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Quoted:
Hillbilly from West Virginia goes to the doctor to get birth control for his daughter. The doctor asks, surprised, if she is sexually active. Guy says, "Nah, she just lays there like her mother." That sounds like a Texas joke to me.  Take that, NPOwned.
LC |
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Quoted: I've been to Liverpool; I get it. A major earthquake measuring 7.8 in the Richter scale hit Liverpool. The epicentre was in Huyton. Shock waves were felt as far afield as Bolton, Manchester and Essex. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order", "mental" and "that did my head in". The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken before their giros arrived. The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered. They are still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage was caused by something else instead of them. One resident Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running through the cardboard door into my bedroom crying. My hands were shaking so much that I could hardly shoot-up when I was watching Trisha the next morning". Another local resident known as Macca said the earthquake would not stop him going to work, after all, the T.W.O.C'ing, Burglaries and Graffiti would not do themselves. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers were still searching through rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Dukes, bone china from Poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues. However, they were unable to save any furniture from Crazy George's. How can you help? This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Most needed are Kappa or other tracksuits (his and hers), white socks to tuck the tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok trainers. Primark clothing is most welcome. Food parcels are also needed. They include Mcains Micro-Chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Nutella chocolate spread and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambrini, White Lightening cider and Carlsberg Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed, 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on purposes, £1.50 buys cheese & chips and £26 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos. |
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Quoted: Quoted: The truth is WV are the worst, well, second worse to NJ. Apparently the use of blinkers is not taught in WV drivers ed. BTW, I am a WVU grad and am married to a WV girl. 1. Have you ever lived within 20 minutes of the MD border? MD is the fucking worst, with DC trailing behind very closely. 2. Wouldn't know, I am a native Virginian. 3. Doesn't change the fact that you are a damn Ohioan. Actually, I grew up in Mt. Savage, MD. I am a transplant to OH and I am not a Buckeye. |
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Quoted:
Three guys walking on the beach, one from New Hampshire, one from Maine, and one from Massachusetts. They see something shiny and the NH and Maine guys dig it up. The guy from Massachusetts grabs on and tries to take it. POOF! out pops a genie. Genie says "I only grant wishes that are for the good of others. You each get one wish, so make it count". NH dude thinks a minute and says "I'm sick of all the city folk invading my once-peaceful and beautiful state. Send 'em all home" POOF! Genie says "Done deal, you just doubled the population of Massachusetts". Guy from Massachusetts thinks a minute then says " I want to protect our citizens and our way of life. No more evil guns coming into our lovely commonwealth, build a wall around our fine state, 200 feet tall and thick enough that nothing can get in or out. That should protect us". POOF, genie says "wall is up, no one and nothing may pass through". Mainer thinks for a few minutes then asks the genie to tell him more about that wall. The genie explains that it is tall and strong, nothing could ever break the magic wall and not so much as a Kennedy fart could ever get through it. Genie asks if the Mainer wants one too. Mainer says "no, no I don't". Genie is getting impatient and says "so what do you want? Hurry up". Mainer looks at the guy from NH, then smiles and says " Fill that fucker with water!" Oh I like it. 
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Quoted:
Quoted:
Hillbilly from West Virginia goes to the doctor to get birth control for his daughter. The doctor asks, surprised, if she is sexually active. Guy says, "Nah, she just lays there like her mother." That sounds like a Texas joke to me. Take that, NPOwned.
LC The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis Cockfightin'" he began. "Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked. Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia." Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?" "Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat Cockfight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight." The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that, but what about the others?" Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck." "Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won." |
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Quoted:
Oddly, I know a guy FROM West Virginia who IS married to his 2cnd cousin. Maybe that's why they moved to Florida!
What's an Alabama girl say after sex? Get off me daddy, yor crushin' my cigarettes! Always heard that one as a North Kenai gurl. and its SMOKES 
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