If I ask for help or tell anyone then I lose my kids, my job, my nursing license and my right to own firearms... I’m on three hours sleep and I’m supposed to work another overnight shift. I don’t know what to do.

Call in sick.

Last few days have been really hard. Today was the worst. I spent 6 hours at my desk and not get 15 minutes worth of work done. I just cant function.

What’s goin on man?

@Rezneck

I've been fighting depression for 30 years. Former long time GF flaunted her new BF at me a couple weeks ago.  Triggered, big time. Ive been bad, but not this bad.  I can't hardly even function.

Are you doing anything to treat it? Counseling, meds, anything?

Nothing.  Calling clinic today at lunch time. get appt to see doc. .   I had been on an ssri, effxor about 20 years ago when I got bad. didnt do any good..  Just try to survive through it, I guess.

Every day, it's a "Bleep you" to the black dog. Well, the ex, too.

Keep fighting. There is good in every day. Just have to seek it out.

Good man do something. As you well know depression is nothing to fuck around with.
PM inbound

Having issues with posting...

I’ve suffered from long term depression also. I had a really tough time with concentration at one point and remember being prescribed effexor, adderall and clonazepam. It helped tremendously. The only thing is I feel like the adderall and clonazepam may have helped bring on my heart attack (never confirmed by a physician). The clon. helps you sleep if you can’t...it’s just so powerful. I took it for a long period and wouldn’t again. But maybe it could help you through a short, severe period and you could dump the add. and clon. when you feel better. Hang in there!

Feel like this past week and especially the past few days I'm sinking lower. Sunday marked nine months since I've lost my wife. Life just doesn't make any sense to me without her. I'm struggling everyday just to show up to work and go thru the motions.

Wish i could help but i don’t even want to be on this earth.  I think the only reason I’m alive is because i can’t do that to my parents.  They tried and tried and tried to have a kid and didn’t have me till they were in their late 30’s.  I can’t do that to them.

Do you guys have a dog? My pup has brought me a lot of happiness and companionship. I bought her 11 years ago today and it was one of the best decisions of my life.

@jus228

I feel ya. 2 siblings, one dead from OD the other in prison. I'm the strong one apparently.

Your post hit a nerve and wanted you to know it helped my head and where I'm at.

Hang in there and fight.

I'll do the same.

I think I’m too exhausted to fight anymore.  I just simply exist.  I work so that i can afford to live and help my parents (elderly and never had much but they kept a roof over my head and i never went hungry so i owe them EVERYTHING) other than that i could give a fuck anymore about much of anything.  

I’m just existing, too, but doing anything to myself would bring too much pain to everyone around me. I couldn’t do that to everyone in my life. That would be so selfish.

I’m taking it a day at a time fellas. What helped me put things into perspective is knowing that if I did something to myself they would win. Doesn’t matter who “they” are, or what “they” stands for.

I made the decision to keep going. Wake up, get out of bed, and get after it. Tomorrow I’m 300 days sober. I could have been swinging from a rafter. I look back and think fuck that. You’re stronger than you know. You are important. And whether you realize it or not, there are people out there that love and appreciate you.

Like my man Red Green would say, “I’m pulling for you, we’re all in this together.”

@jus228 and urbankaos04...you guys are good people...I can’t think of a better trait than to be selfless. I know I have a tendency to be selfish so you guys are awesome. My family currently helps me more than I help them.

@ripple64...congratulations on getting so far (to 300). I hope you keep going and win the war. You have a great attitude.

@Turnkey and @Jarvik...thinking about you guys.

Love and hugs to all of you.

Any of you guys ever think that  it's a man's job to just provide, maintain all the shit, vehicles, house, investments, business, every system like HVAC, plumbing, auto, kitchen, and all the other shit?
There's 87 things going on 24/7 and I'm sure there are many more that a guy has to take care of all at the same time while everyone else around you just wanders through life without a care because of the sweat off your back and your hard learned knowledge.

I found myself in a very dark place about 5 months ago where I thought it was over and life wasn't going to get any better, just worse from that point.
And to look at me and my life.....you would think I had it all.
These feelings don't discriminate.

I was convinced that my place on earth and my job as a husband and father was to just be used up and spit out. Just a fucking meat puppet to be fleeced and used.
That when a good man died, the tears were not because he died toiling away, but simply because the gravy train was over for those left behind and he wouldn't be there to pull up the slack and pay for it all to make everyone's life better....and that's the only reason they were sad.
I still struggle with this.
I had a rough day today. And I have many rough days.
I'm  one of those people who are highly sociable and always the life of the party. The last guy you would ever expect to be feeling this way. And sometimes I've found myself ready to throw in the towel. Sometimes......I'm just so fucking done with it all.
And yet...... I should feel lucky.

My point?
This an important thread.
I get it. I totally understand you and your situations.
And I  just wanted you to know this evening that I'm fighting every day.
And if I can shift my focus....maybe you can too.

I've been in deep thought that only seems to come with with severe pain. Physical right now but mental and emotional pain are the root.

I just got out of the hospital and yet even though Im in rough shape I  was still more fortunate than many there.

What hit me the hardest was seeing people that had given up. What was their breaking point? What did it take?

It makes me wonder what makes a man? What is it that makes someone keep on trying and not give up and keep fighting?

Responsibilities? Fear? Guilt? Faith?

I still have my wits and I still have the words "never give up" echoing in the back of my head.

Matthew 6:25-34 makes everything good while dealing with my lot in life. What I need, God provides. I failed without Him.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Thank you  @LittleBigDog but I am paying the price right now because I HAVE been selfish. I had to learn the HARD way that I had been selfish for far too long. Doing something to myself would be the ultimate selfish act and I just can’t do that to my family and friends.

Got exposed to covid-19 this week—three of my co-workers went home sick Wednesday and tested positive. So Friday I called the Ex-wife (who works at the same hospital in another department)to let her know I was going in to get swabbed and tested.

She freaked but not in any way I’d thought.

Her: “If you have it, then the kids will have been exposed. I can’t be exposed to covid or they’ll send me home for two weeks. You’ll have to keep them with you full time”.


Two months ago, SHE was exposed. I took the kids and made sure she had food, etc while quarantining. Halfway through HER quarantine, she broke Q to go spend a week in Ohio with the guy she fucks. Last week, she went to Fayetteville with the guy she fucks (Hospital employees are supposed to quarantine for two weeks if they travel out of state. Of course, she didn’t).

I hope I get it. I hope I actually get it and go into respiratory distress. If it kills me people won’t fucking hate me like if I ate a bullet.

Bro, stop that that shit.  She is obviously damaged and ignorant.  Your kids will be fine, and you will be fine as well.  Quit letting her direct your life.  be there for your kids and let her fuck off.....

You're letting her live in your head. Throw her out.

I work with a guy. Last June he sat in a room of our hospital as his wife of 30 years slipped away after a long long fight with cancer. Sometimes he’ll come up to me when I have to slip into the break room when I start to tear up or lose it during a moment of stress or sadness. He said he knows how I feel and it hits me hard—he lost the love of his life. She was taken from him, she didn’t willingly go.


22 years ago today, Heidi brought me home from the hospital. We spent the entire morning washing my clothes in a laundromat on 17th street causeway because my dryer was broken and I'd gotten hurt on a Friday which was laundry day.

In the laundromat I was trying to fold a t-shirt one-handed and I suddenly broke down crying, huge enormous tear filled sobs. I couldn't fold the t-shirt. I couldn't do anything.I didn't know if I was going to lose my arm, didn't know if I'd be able to work again, and my roommate was kicking me out. I had no idea where I was going to live. Through tears I told Heidi I didn't know what sort of future we'd ever have and I wouldn't blame her if she broke up with me.

Heidi sat me in a crappy plastic chair, took my head in her hands, looked into my eyes and told me she loved me and that she'd always be there for me. She told me everything would be ok and that no matter what happened we'd get through it together.

Every July sixteenth since then, for 21 years, I always woke up, kissed her and told her I loved her. Yesterday when I picked up the kids I hugged her and told her tomorrow was the first birthday I wouldn't be there with her. I hugged her and didn't want to let go.

I spent the last twelve hours passed out after putting a syringe of morphine sulfate into my manky left arm. I honestly was disappointed that I woke up at all.  My heart doesn’t know how to stop missing her.

My heart goes out to you. It really does, but the pity party is over. Tough love time.

An opiate addiction isn't going to help you. You said earlier that if you reach out for help you risk losing your kids and your license. What do you think will happen if you get busted with morphine? I doubt you got it from some guy on the street. If I were a betting man, I'd bet that it came from a source you are trusted to have access to.

You need help. Real, actual help, and you need it now. If you think reaching out for help risks losing your kids and 2A rights now, how do you think it's going to go when you become a homeless drug addict felon?

@RevolverRO

PLEASE CHECK YOUR IN-BOX.

What Gingerbread man said.

You are confronted with 2 choices.

1. Throw everything you've ever experienced in the trash. The love, the pain; everything you've been through would mean nothing. The life you left behind would be meaningless (and eventually forgotten, by you). You'd likely turn into a junkie with little to no recollection of the past, and no hope or faith for what the future could bring.

2. Confront this hardship. Make a promise to keep. A promise to be hopeful with the faith that you can repair this broken life. You will need to find help. You will need to work hard and remain resolute, always working on what you need to do today while keeping an eye on the prize. Plow straight ahead, and never waver. it will take years. Eventually, you will reap what you've sown and, believe me, the rewards you reap will be great. You will have those memories of the past, and you will feel proud for keeping a promise.

The choice is yours.

@RevolverRO...Please reach out for professional help. I know you are worried about losing your license and kids and guns so make sure to ask questions and do some research along the way so that won’t happen. None of those things will matter if you take your life. Self medicating doesn’t sound like a good solution...it’ll just add to the problems long term. You have two super hero jobs. You are a dad and a nurse. You are in a position to help so many people. So help yourself first and then continue to be that hero, especially for your kiddies. Please don’t leave them to fend for themselves...you know the crazy times we are living in. I know things will get better for you with time. My depression issues started with the loss of my high school sweetheart of 8 years. She left me when I was off in college. It was the first time I thought about suicide and I remember sticking the 44 mag super blackhawk she had bought me in my mouth in a drunken stupor one night. It took me years to get over her but I don’t think of her anymore. Hang tough.

@RevolverRO. As @LittleBigDog stated, reach out to some professional help.  At this point you don't need to concern yourself with gun rights.  Your kids matter more and need you!  (Coming from some guy on the internet that grew up without a father and is pissed about it to this day, F Cancer).

I made it in to work. My therapist (haven’t seen him in a couple weeks) isn’t in today but I voice mailed him to set up an appointment. The kids are all with their mother this weekend. I’m working every night which at least keeps me busy.

This is a recent thread regarding depression with some great information and ideas to help everyone out...

https://www.ar15.com/forums/General/Depressed-How-do-you-get-over-this-stuff-/5-2349768/?page=1

Take it from a guy who has lost everything, including his health.  Looking back, I'm glad I didn't pull that trigger all those times.

You'll get through this a stronger man.  Even if you have to pick all the pieces of a shattered life and start over from scratch. Just take one day at a time.

If continuing to work brings you peace, I'd stick with it.  If you have to take some time off to cope, do it.  Hell, I disconnected myself from everything for almost 3 years, before I decided to rejoin society.

PM me if you want to.

I do not know where to begin. But to even talk about it is hard. For me to express what I feel. I don't know if I can do it. Yes I've taken various meds over the years. Just started a new one.  

I just can't say anymore than that right now. I find it to hard to open up. But it's a start. I guess, 1st step I do not even express what I feel to my wife of 32 years. If that says anything.

No children

@firemedic2000  If you are distressed, post your current feelings, ask fo help.  We have many awesome people here that can help.  Ed Sr. started this thread for a reason!

Damn, That hits closer to home than you can ever imagine right now

Guys.

Working at 110% 24/7 is destructive. Take one day off a week from *everything* (it'll be there when you get back), and when working/dealing with responsibilities, back off to 90%.

It's for your own good, and the good of those around you.

When it all starts to weigh heavy on me, I try to think of what those folks on a crashing plane must feel like. How they would do anything, pay any price, chew off their own arm, or worse... to live one more minute. They would trade anything for my problems. They would make any compromise, be penniless, anything. They would trade places with me in a heartbeat, and they would be grateful. Which makes me feel grateful, and lucky.

When I think of that scenario, my problems get resized.

Today was my/our twentieth anniversary.  Sometime in the night my six year old daughter cane into my room and was snuggling up against me. I woke up and it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Her lawyer contacted mine with the petition for divorce. We have no debts, the house and vehicles are paid off and in both our names. She wants an equal division of assets. If I want the house and land, she wants 50% of what we paid for it. It would be about $80K.  Obviously I don’t have that anoint lying around so I need to take out an equity loan or mortgage.

I had to work tonight. All day long I thought about just curling up into a ball,closing my eyes and never waking up again.

What's your opinion on the 50-50 split?

Well, six years ago we paid for the land and house with money she inherited from her birth father. Paid it off in full. If she wanted to be brutal she could push for the full amount. I don’t have a problem with 50/50.

things do happen for a reason!
these tests are there to see if we have grown....
have faith.... do the right thing ....
you are another day closer to the good life!
the rev.

The girl I have strong feelings for tried to kill herself on Monday.  I have to share this, because I can't really tell other friends how I feel about the situation.  Hopefully this is not too wordy.  Here is the story

Back Story - I have been talking on and off again with a girl I dated back in college (about 10 years ago).  She is a great, beautiful, southern girl that got the shit end of the stick from her ex-husband (only married a few years.  He ran up an enormous amount of credit card debt in her name.  They divorced but she has been working two jobs to get out of the debt he created because you can't squeeze water from a rock.  So with the COVID hit and working two jobs (healthcare) to cover this debt, things began to spiral into darkness (her words).  I couldn't see any signs to indicate how deep the darkness dug into her up till this past Monday.

Monday afternoon I randomly text her that I was thinking about her, because that's just a thing we do.  She responds back saying she had a bad day and that my text had perfecting timing.  I ask what's wrong, but she says she can't explain it, but wanted to come over to watch tv and eat so she doesn't have to go be alone at home.  I say come on over and then I ask about her COVID interaction from working at the hospital this past weekend (I see my parents everyday and if I catch it I don't want to spread it to them).  She says "actually, it's probably smarter if I don't come over because I don't want to chance getting you sick".  I ask her again why she is having a bad day and she says "I'm just in a dark place..."  I tell her I wanted to see her, but she said we can try another night.  I pressed her more on why she had a bad day, but she said she would just go get some sleep, and promising everything would be ok.  I told her to call me and I would come over or meet her somewhere if she needed someone and she said she would...

Tuesday morning I text her wishing her a better day.  For some reason the iMessage went out as a SMS text (green bubble), so I figured it was my phone.  Didn't hear back, which is out of character for her.  I send her another text at 6pm and 9pm, again got sent as an SMS instead of iMessage.  This made me start to worry, because normally that means someone is out of service or the phone is turned off.  So, I send her a Facebook message, nothing.  I don't know her friends and I don't wanna come off like I'm stalking her so I leave it at that till yesterday.

Wednesday, I send her another message and this time it goes out as iMessage.  I get a response from her sister saying she can't give me any details, but that she is "ok" however can't talk.  Now I am very concerned, especially after what she said on Monday.  

Today, I get a text from her number and it is her.  I told her I wasn't going to ask what had happened, and she could tell me when she's ready...

Monday night she tried to kill herself by taking two bottles of some prescription drug.  She didn't show up for work and that is out of character, so her boss went to her house and found her unresponsive.  She is alive, but the guilt I feel about her not coming over Monday is debilitating.

Sorry, I need to vent the story and any advice for getting over the guilt feeling.  Also, I'm not sure how to approach her now with all this happening.

Her actions are not your fault.  Be there for her going forward or wipe your hands going forward.  You did not have an impact on the decision she made.  Are you willing to help now?

She likes and respects you. She wants you to take half because the contribution you made to the relationship was more than money. She sounds like she has a good heart.