I have had the gun to my head before. When I was younger I cut. I honestly dislike a lot of my life, mostly because I could not change my expectations and also didn’t adapt my goals to account for things not working out. Getting away from certain people was a issue, but that was partially because I have a hard time giving up.  My advice, stop looking at the big picture at first, shut your mind off a bit. Set hourly goals, maybe think of a nice meal for yourself and have a small drink.....sleep on it. Next day, write out a schedule and just do it. This may sound weird as shit, but go to a museum. Everything has a beginning and an end, might make you think you have more to accomplish before your time is over, but may make you forget about what is driving you to be gone because you are out and doing things instead of dwelling

I don’t know why I posted this, guess I’m just trying to convey my struggles and hope someone else relates and gives themselves a second chance

Depression has ruined my life. Not sure if I can recover from it now. 30 years of it. Tried every med to no avail. I am going to try ketamine infusions now.  Expensive, but even a little relief would be welcome.  Everything I’ve seen online shows great success with it. Johnson and Johnson was fast tracked to get a nasal spray version approved.
Suicidal thoughts all the time Constant negative thinking that won’t stop. I overanalyze every situation, and usually come up with negative scenarios
 Chased away so many friends.

.

I completely understand your mindset. I've thought, or think about suicide a minimum of once a day. Some days, more often than that. I no longer have health insurance, but I would love to know how the Ketamine works for you!

I've thought about checking out many times in the last few years or so.  A divorce put me in a bad financial place.  I'm sticking it out though and it looks like the end is in sight. It's gonna cost me but, I'm still here. Life is looking up for me.

I was at the bottom of the barrel not that long ago, love of my life passed away (found after the divorce)  Almost gave up.  Decided that I'm going to honor her life.

Took me a while to realize the route and this thread has helped immensely.  Thank you @EdAvilaSr for starting this thread!

I’m sick as fuck right now, but when I get over this, and get started I’ll let you know.  I know from reviews that people who had constant suicidal thoughts were like why did they ever have those thoughts, and it’s the furthest thing from their mind now. A number of people feel a lot better within a few hours compared to months with antidepressants. It’s expensive, but if it helps lift this dark, toxic cloud I’ve lived with for years it’ll be worth it.

@hachiko.   Quoted the wrong person.

I, like you, have taken just about every antidepressant there is. From the Oldest to the latest and greatest.

I need to talk to someone

I'm here friend, sorry about just seeing this.

IM sent with my phone number.

Rough night this one.  Stay safe brothers.

"bullet in the brain pan... ! squish!"

~Serenity

It's tempting, guess I have too much pride tonight.  Pride, supposed to be a deadly sin.  And yet it saves some of us, like me.  I just can't quit, thats the weak way out (at least for me).  Still not existing is best some of these days....

I hope you are alright.

We're not, but we battle through.  One day at a time.

It's quite a thing to fight wars in your own brain.  Day to day, we fight to get buy.  And we find a way to go on, each day

I pray (and I'm not religious) that I'm the only one with this fight, but I know there are others.  Its just so hard some days....

ETA: tried reaching out to a member, but his mailbox was full.

Getting there......

@UnluckyD

Try email or make a shout out in a post.

Come to Me

25 At that time Jesus said, “I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants. 26 “Yes, Father, for this way was well-pleasing in Your sight. 27 “All things have been handed over to Me by My Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father; nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and anyone to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.

28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29 “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

From Matthew Chapter 11

I'm posting from a homeless shelter. You'd be surprised at how many people suffering from life's burdens call on the Lord for comfort. The vast majority of the folks here pray daily. The verses I highlighted are absolute truths.

Forgive me if this is not the thread for my theories. I’m likely mad as a hatter.

“Wisest man ever” contender Miguel Cervantes once wrote: “too much sanity leads to madness & the maddest of all see the world as it is & not as it should be.”

I met a girl recently who is pure sunshine. I mean so perky & happy she doesn’t seem to understand the darkness that I see. She commented on most of what I take in is dark & bleak.

Her DVD collection is a mass of abhorrent romantic comedies.
I’m someone who can watch the NBC version of “Hannibal” and really understand what’s going on, the killer who doesn’t frame to elude the law, but to be able to allow one select person to see his true self & not be able to tell anyone. The selfishness of others who use people for their own gain, convinced they are doing what is right...

Perhaps that isn’t real, but when you know your history as I do, the growing ignorance & selfishness of society that results in Ocasio Cortez types, that is VERY much real.

Growing up as a child, when other youths were reading “goosebumps” & other fictional horror stories, my reads were of folks who survived the concentration camps.

I know what’s coming down the trail here & scream warnings as I do, I feel mute to stop or even slow the journey.

Legislators ignore us, news media slanders us, the educational system drills into young minds how evil we are for daring to question their “social justice” garbage.

I never thought much about the abortion issue until what happened in New York.
When you can convince folks that murdering a just born child, 9 months old is acceptable & correct, how much easier is it to convince them to do away with us & our archaic ideas of freedom, self reliance, family...

After all, it’s a well known fact that your first murder is the most difficult, but once you get thru it, the rest become soooo much easier.
https://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-Men-Reserve-Battalion-Solution/dp/0060995068

But if you know truth & are depressed, is it that much better to be aware vs being the type to simply get drunk and party away?

Perhaps it would be easier to just blow all your savings on jet skis and whiskey, until it does dissolve into death camps & cattle cars.

So we’ve established that truth is better, but how do you maintain joy for right now when you know what is coming & nobody else wants to hear it?

One of the reasons for my "horde" of loaded AR15 magazines is the small sense of victory that I get knowing that I have yet another thing that "they" don't want me to have. Each one is a small, relatively empty victory, however.

I feel a bigger sense of victory when I see some of the seeds I try to plant in the minds of others start to blossom (see: red pill"). That doesn't happen as often as another loaded magazine getting added to the pile, but it is a great feeling when it does.

Honestly though, I just see what is coming as a storm. Just like in the summer time when the sky gets dark in the southwest and the birds stop chirping. I do the best I can to weather the storm that I know is coming. It is all that I can do. It's been done before, it can be done again.

A shrink once told me that the more intelligent a person is the more prone they are to depression/anxiety/ocd/adhd.

I've never been to find escape and enjoyment in spectator sports, tourist traps, and (most) fictional books/movies like the average person. They seem pointless, unproductive, and bore me to tears. The red pill certainly sucks at times but I wouldn't have it any other way.

You guys will never be at peace if you're constantly distracted by the world. Either get to know yourself by looking inward, or look to spiritual guidance or, .ideally, both.

I began my road to a more peaceful life by learning as much as I could about myself through studying psychology, experiential learning and other therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy.  I also took ant-depressants for a year.

I was much improved after a year of intense study and practice, then used what I'd learned for several years of leading a peaceful existence. Still, something was missing.

Something a psychologist had said during a conversation i had with him stuck. He referenced God in some way (forgot the details) then looked at me with intensity and said with authority, "if you believe in that sort of thing".

I had learned during my studies that belief in a higher power was one of the several crucial traits among people with healthy brains.

Fast forward a few years and I finally opened the door and let Christ in. I have never been in such a state of peace. Is life now a breeze? Not going to lie: no, it's not! It's not supposed to be, but I am at peace.

BTW not going to go into details, but I WAS A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK when i realized I would either get better, or live and die in a gutter. I knew getting better would require going all in. I did.

IM me if you want to know more about anything I posted.

I big part for me is always trying to make everyone happy and when they wasn't I took sadness away from them not being happy.  I go to church and I am learning that God sent his son for me so the maker of this Earth loves me so he must be happy with me.  Who cares what my ex thinks or whoever is pissed at me.  When I close my eyes at night I want the big man upstairs to smile at me.

This thinking has kept the gun out of my mouth many times.  God doesn't want me to kill what he saved.

I'm guessing you've never ruminated so much that you literally drove yourself into psychosis.

No phychosis but plenty of panic attacks and dry heaves from worrying too much about dumb stuff, especially at night when I was a youngster. As I got older I learned some good coping mechanisms like breathing techniques and positive affirmations but I still get insomnia with racing negative thoughts once in a while when stress/worry piles up.

First ketamine treatment on Monday.

I’m looking forward to this.

That's awesome to hear, and I sure hope that it helps.   I started reading about it after it was posted above, never heard of it before.

Great post wtf
Much of that sounds strangely familiar...

I miss my dad. He was my best friend. I'm ok, I just needed to type that out.

Was listening to this song for last 48 hours

I'm 76 and lost my wife 1 1/2 year ago. I miss her every minute of every day.  My children and grand children live 300 miles away and i very rarely hear from them.  I pray to die continuously.  I'd never consider suicide, just wish I could die and join my wife.  After 36 years in law enforcement I've covered hundreds of deaths, natural, suicide and homicides. I'm now having nightmares about thew few remaing unsolved cases.  Been retired for 15 years, you would think I could forget them.  I drink all day and try to sleep. Ive bought a new car , new truck and ATV.  each boosts my spirits for a week or so.  But I still pray to die.

Have you considered being the one to call your children? Maybe they are just busy & forget...
Or maybe you could move closer to them?

I’m sorry about your wife. I’m not sure the drinking all day is a good thing for you.

I did my first Ketamine treatment yesterday. First I gotta say holy shit that was trippy AF! About 15 minutes into the treatment my face was numb. I felt like I was floating, then falling. Weird images in my minds eye. Part of me was there, aware, and able to speak to the nurse that was monitoring me. I could barely hear myself talk. Could barely hear the nurse even though he was sitting 3 feet away. The "other" part of me felt like I was in another dimension.

My music was also distorted. I remember hearing 1 song and thought " wait I dont remember buying a remix version"  It wasnt a remix it was being distorted in my mind.

When it was over I started to regain full awareness, and it was over after about 40 minutes, which felt like 5 minutes. Time was also distorted. I take that back...it felt like 5 minutes when it was done, but felt like an eternity during the infusion.

That night I felt pretty good. Things that usually triggered depressive episodes didnt bother me nearly as much. I even purposely tried to bring up suicidal feeling that I normally have. I couldnt even think of suicide! It was like something was blocking the thoughts. Today I actually got out and about. Cleaned house. Did some yardwork etc.

Tonight im kind of neutral, but thats to be expected. The first session's effects dont last long, which is why they do 4 in the first week, then another within 2 weeks, and then a month. Goal is to only need treatments every 6 months to a year.

So far I think this is going to be a good thing. Even if it reduces symptoms 50%. In my case that would be a HUGE improvemen

That's great to hear, and I hope the progress continues.

Things are looking up. The folks at the V.A. seem to be pushing hard to get me on the transplant list. I've had a colonoscopy, an endoscopy, a paracentesis, a CT scan, and an MRI, and a chest  x ray. An EKG, a dental exam, many labs. Seen my PCP once, and my my hepatolgist twice. In the next two weeks, I have a social worker, a psycholgist, an echocardiogram, a paracentesis, a cardio stress test, and a pulmonary stress test, more labs. I'm doing physical therapy twice a week.  And trying to get into the gym at least once a week. Then there's shopping, cooking meals, housework and laundry.

That's this year so far.

Then add in all the travel time.

I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED!

@RJK

How long have you been drinking alcohol every day?

Let me guess. You crash hard when you go to bed.

Yeah, I crash hard, there are many days, where all I want to do is sleep, I ain't got time for that.

ever since my wife died!

Fucking great, add a dermatologist, an orthopod, a podiatrist, an endocrinologist and an oral surgeon to the list for February.

I may have to look up the hospital chaplain. When I was spending my wonderful 85 days as an inpatient last year, he said they might have to give me my own room and a key.
Think he was serious?

At least I don't have a job.

Your attitude and approach is fantastic to see, and an inspiration for those that are bogged down by what seems like an unsurmountable amount of tasks in order to get healthy.

It's truly wonderful to hear some of you guys are giving it your all, and staying engaged in the fight.  I hope you guy's strength, and toughness pays off in the end.  I believe it will totally.

If it weren't for my stubbornness and my sense of humor, I would have either laid down and died or killed myself last year.

To all...from a visitor who escaped the demons, the storm.
Fight.

You must stop drinking. That means not a single beer, or shot of booze.

You can work on finishing up the business of mourning after that.

ive always been half in and half out.   sometimes im extremly productive so people just assume im weird.  i am a nerd anyways.   but im always sad i just fake it.  i got married and for awhile i was pretty happy.  with the ar curse.  she is a piece of cake.  she was married before and her kid is a drug addict with kids of her own.  the grand kids live like animals... cant read or write and not even potty trained.  and thats the 10 year old too.
the daughter says her kids have autism adhd whatever.   trying to scam whatever goverment aid she can get.  the daughter just gets high and burns thru money like crazy.  which is why we are getting divorced.  my soon to be ex wife burned thru most of my money, she left and took most of my stuff.  im pretty broke now, and she is trashing me online which may get me fired from my job.   im sad because if its just me and the soon to be ex wife we are fine.. she cant abandon her kid i know.

2nd Ketamine treatment done. This one was more intense than the first. Trippy AF!   I do feel better though than I did before the first treatment. My depression score went from a 35 before treatment to 21.

Going for #3 today and last stabilizing treatment Fri.

I go though a 1.75 liter of gin everyday, Maybe that's a form of suicide.  I just want it to be over.  I'm certainly not as bad off as some who post on here.  But it's bad enough. I got two widows wanting to share my bed but I have no interest other the than friendship.  I wake up at 5:30 AM and am drunk by 7:00 and smoke two packs of cigs per day.  I just want to join my best friend of 52 years.

I can certainly sympathize with what must be immense grief that your going through, but please think about what your wife would want from you.

You will no doubt join your amazing wife in time, but there is no need to expedient that process.   Please take the small step today to reduce your drinking by just one drink.

Let's do this thing one day at a time.   I also really suggest you seek out a local grief support group, a local church by me has signs everywhere promoting theirs.

I'm positive you still have plenty of worth left to offer this world, and your fellow man.   You need to get better for yourself first and foremost, but if that doesn't work, do it for your best friend, and wife that wouldn't want to see you go out this way.

GreasyEasy said it much better than I ever could, but please take this post to heart and seek out some support and help.  I'm just a nobody but if you need to talk to someone I am available as are many here.  I know your wife would not want you to live this way or go out this way.

Would your wife approve of your behavior?

No, she wouldn't but her pain is over now!

Life is *supposed* to be a struggle, so you're experiencing it as you should. However, attempting to escape through suicide, alcohol, or drug use is not what any of us should be doing.

Have you thought about talking to a pastor?

Had my 4th ketamine treatment today, and YES this is the first thing in 30 years that has actually helped!!!!

I go back in 10 days for a maintenance treatment, and then a month after that.

My depression score on Monday was 35.  Today it was 18. Lower the better obviously. Even though I’m feeling much better now they told me to wait a couple days now for the effects to settle in.