[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Engineering Jokes (Page 1 of 5)
Posted: 3/22/2011 8:31:39 AM EDT
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I'll start. This one gave me a chuckle, just now. Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." |
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Reminds me of one.
A mechanical engineer and a software engineer are riding in a car. Going down a hill the brakes fail and the car careens down the hill and crashes into a tree. They both barely escape with their lives. The ME says "I think the brakes are faulty, let's tow the car to the garage and investigate what went wrong. The SE says " let's push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. |
A group of engineering undergrads were admiring a buddy's new bike. One asked the new owner "where did you get such a great bike?" The new bike owner replied "It was the funniest thing...I was walking across campus when a beautiful coed rode up to me, jumped off, tore off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted!" 
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Quoted: Reminds me of one. A mechanical engineer and a software engineer are riding in a car. Going down a hill the brakes fail and the car careens down the hill and crashes into a tree. They both barely escape with their lives. The ME says "I think the brakes are faulty, let's tow the car to the garage and investigate what went wrong. The SE says " let's push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."  I'm doing just that right now  |
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An EE, an ME, and a CE (civil engineer) are standing around discussing the nature of God. The EE says "God MUST be an EE. Just look at the central nervous system!"
The ME says "No way, God is an ME. Look at the complexity of the skeletal structure!" The CE says "You're both wrong. God's a CE. Who else would build a sewage system right through a recreational area?" |
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A group of engineering undergrads were admiring a buddy's new bike. One asked the new owner "where did you get such a great bike?" The new bike owner replied "It was the funniest thing...I was walking across campus when a beautiful coed rode up to me, jumped off, tore off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted!" To which one of his buddies replied, "Good call. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
FIFY |
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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..." |
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Since the engineer isn't paying for the glass, it just so happens to be within spec. |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. [span style='font-weight: bold;'] An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.[/[span]quote] Since the engineer isn't paying for the glass, it just so happens to be within spec. No. The glass has a factor or safety of 2 against overflow. |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. |
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Quoted: Quoted: How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. It hasn't been explicitly stated that the glass is half full of liquid. But, if it is liquid, are we taking into account Henry's Law for the amount of air dissolved in the liquid?  |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. if it was in a vacuum the liquid would have boiled to a gas filling the container equally, so the glass would still be full |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball.
The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. if it was in a vacuum the liquid would have boiled to a gas filling the container equally, so the glass would still be full At which point the gas would expand outside of the container until the entire volume of the vacuum would be filled with the gas, albeit at a much lower density. So then the glass would be either empty or full depending on whether or not the resulting density of the gas inside the glass meets your definition of taking up space. ETA I suppose that would imply the glass is empty since it has nothing inside of it with respect to its surrounding environment. |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. It hasn't been explicitly stated that the glass is half full of liquid. But, if it is liquid, are we taking into account Henry's Law for the amount of air dissolved in the liquid?
Even though the density of the lower half of the glass' contents is about 800% greater than that of the upper half, the lack of specificity in the argument compells us to only consider the volume of all the contents as a whole. Therefore the glass is filled to 100% of it's capacity, dissolved gasses in solution notwithstanding.
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An engineer and a mathematician were shown into a kitchen, given an empty pan, and told to boil a pint of water. They both filled the pan with water, put it on the stove, and boiled it. The next day they were shown into the kitchen again, given a pan full of water, and told to boil a pint of water. The engineer took the pan, put it on the stove, and boiled it The mathematician took the pan and emptied it, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . |
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A marine engineer dies and goes to hell. It's hot. An unlimited source of thermal energy. So, having eternity to play with, the engineer gets to work on a steam power plant, and a steel mill, then an air conditioned building and and air conditioned stadium, indoor golf, indoor shooting range, etc. etc. Pretty soon, hell is a pretty nice place. God looks down and sees that that everyone that went to hell is having a good time. God and St. Peter don't like this, so they consult the Book of Life to see if maybe they made a mistake and, sure enough, the find the engineer's name on the list. So, the tell Satan the engineer has to come to heaven. Satan says, "You can ask, but I think he'll stay." The engineer decides he like enjoying the fruits of his labor and will stay in hell. God says to Satan, "He has to come up to heaven. Order him up. If you don't, I'll sue!" Satan replies, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?" |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . And a treadmill. |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . And a treadmill. All of the engineers that slept through dynamics can stand in front of the treadmill facing the cockpit. They'll either get hit by the plane or duck in time. Either way, they won't ever argue again that the plane won't take off...
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Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. if it was in a vacuum the liquid would have boiled to a gas filling the container equally, so the glass would still be full Except the vacuum would have emptied the gas, so the glass would be full of nothingness. Also the glass may collapse in on itself. A glass may not have the structural integrity to withstand that type of pressure |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . And a treadmill. All of the engineers that slept through dynamics can stand in front of the treadmill facing the cockpit. They'll either get hit by the plane or duck in time. Either way, they won't ever argue again that the plane won't take off...
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. if it was in a vacuum the liquid would have boiled to a gas filling the container equally, so the glass would still be full Except the vacuum would have emptied the gas, so the glass would be full of nothingness. Also the glass may collapse in on itself. A glass wouldn't have the structural integrity to withstand that type of pressure The glass is more likely to explode when the contents rush out of the glass due to the pressure differential. If the glass can survive that, then it should be fine once it is empty and there is no pressure differential. |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. if it was in a vacuum the liquid would have boiled to a gas filling the container equally, so the glass would still be full Except the vacuum would have emptied the gas, so the glass would be full of nothingness. Also the glass may collapse in on itself. A glass wouldn't have the structural integrity to withstand that type of pressure It's not possible to create a perfect vacuum. Everything has a vapor pressure. |
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How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has only to stand and hold the bulb because the world revolves around him. A CE, ME, EE and software engineer are traveling in a car. The CE states that it's probably a gasoline problem. The EE says that there could be an electrical issue. The ME supposes that perhaps the timing chain broke. The software engineer suggests that they all exit the vehicle, close the doors, open the doors, get back in and try to start the engine again. 
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . And a treadmill. All of the engineers that slept through dynamics can stand in front of the treadmill facing the cockpit. They'll either get hit by the plane or duck in time. Either way, they won't ever argue again that the plane won't take off... What if the treamill is sloped 45 degrees? |
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Quoted: How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has only to stand and hold the bulb because the world revolves around him. A CE, ME, EE and software engineer are traveling in a car. The CE states that it's probably a gasoline problem. The EE says that there could be an electrical issue. The ME supposes that perhaps the timing chain broke. The software engineer suggests that they all exit the vehicle, close the doors, open the doors, get back in and try to start the engine again. Fuckin A son! |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Unless the glass is in a vacuum, it's always full. Half liquid/half air. if the glass was in a vacuum, the water would boil off at room temperature |
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Quoted: IN BEFORE TREE SWING!!! There is a version where you can write your own witty captions and everything. http://www.projectcartoon.com/create/ |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . And a treadmill. All of the engineers that slept through dynamics can stand in front of the treadmill facing the cockpit. They'll either get hit by the plane or duck in time. Either way, they won't ever argue again that the plane won't take off... What if the treamill is sloped 45 degrees? Up or down with respect to the plane's starting point? |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Well I can tell who went to SDSMT. |
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
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EE joke.
Some molecules were hanging out in a crystalline lattice. Just oscillating, having a good time. Suddenly one says "Crap! I've lost an electron!" His buddies ask, "Are you sure?" He answers "Yes! I'm positive!" ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Math chalkboard jokes––maybe sorta engineering jokes. Hard to write them if you can't do superscript and subscript. Write this on the board: AP(subscript pi) Define it: A P sub pi. (A piece of pie) Then draw ellipses around it and do a superscript t. Define it: A P sub pi, raised to the t'th. (A piece of pie raised to the theeth.) |
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Quoted: A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." The truth of it is a bit disturbing, too. |
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How do you spot an extroverted engineer? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you. What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets. A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees it as half full. An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. Well I can tell who went to SDSMT. What gave it away? |
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A mathmetician, physicist and engineer were each asked to calculate the volume of a small red ball. The Mathmetician measured it with a pair of dial calipers, performed the calculation and answered with the volume. The physicist filled a graduated cylindre with water, dropped the ball into the cylinder, measured the fuild displacement, and provided the volume. The engineer said "Oh wait, let me get my little red ball book . . " There are things in the little red ball books that no one else has, or even knows about. This thread needs a 1=0.999... . And a treadmill. All of the engineers that slept through dynamics can stand in front of the treadmill facing the cockpit. They'll either get hit by the plane or duck in time. Either way, they won't ever argue again that the plane won't take off... What if the treamill is sloped 45 degrees? Up or down with respect to the plane's starting point? I was thinking realitve to the plane of the ecliptic, myself... |
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Quoted: You really murdered that joke.An EE, an ME, and a CE (civil engineer) are standing around discussing the nature of God. The EE says "God MUST be an EE. Just look at the central nervous system!" The ME says "No way, God is an ME. Look at the complexity of the skeletal structure!" The CE says "You're both wrong. God's a CE. Who else would build a sewage system right through a recreational area?" |
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How do you know that your Dad is an engineer?
When you asked him why the sky was blue he explained differential spectral absorption. (and yes, not only did that happen to me, it happened to my son )
ETA: Just go to http://xkcd.com/1 Do not click link if you have somewhere to be for the next few hours. Oh, and my favorite: 
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