Q: If a tree falls on an atheist in the woods, does it make a sound??
A: Only the atheist screaming "Oh, God, no..."
News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts,
and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were
captured by cannibals.
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief
said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a
last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot,
spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is
my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing
"We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go
right ahead, we're listening."
<st1:city w:st="on">
<st1:place w:st="on">Jackson</st1:place></st1:city>
sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday
someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The
chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated
some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final
wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last
hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine.
So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his
waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his
knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In
a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just
shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the
aggressor?!"
A young man named John received a parrot as A gift. The parrot had a



bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's



mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and



tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite



words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean



up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled



back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.



John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in



the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the



freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms



and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and



actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions



and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and



unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's



attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a



dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the



turkey did?"
Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful
Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration
throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a
CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding
position;
1. a Japanese Samurai



2. a Chinese Samurai



3. a Jewish Samurai
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should
be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a
bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the
ground.
The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in
and demonstrate why



he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed
a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground
in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why
he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and
out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive
and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is
that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to
kill."
This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy
some arsenic.



He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"



She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex
with another woman."



The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."



So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having
sex with the pharmacist's wife.



The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."



"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The
wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of
saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen
glasses..."



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long,
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"



You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, pork strips, etc.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."



"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG
<st1:stockticker w:st="on">AND</st1:stockticker>
<st1:stockticker w:st="on">EAT</st1:stockticker>
YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU
<st1:stockticker w:st="on">ARE</st1:stockticker>
MARRIED
<st1:stockticker w:st="on">NOW</st1:stockticker>, YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE!
<st1:stockticker w:st="on">GOT</st1:stockticker> IT, ASSHOLE?"
..........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten
roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.





The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup
pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit
on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.





The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.





But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.





The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but
they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.





Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.

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A vacationing penguin is driving through
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<st1:place w:st="on">Arizona</st1:place></st1:state> when he notices the oil-pressure
light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He
drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping
the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.


He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in
<st1:state w:st="on">
<st1:place w:st="on">Arizona</st1:place></st1:state>, decides that something cold would
really hit the spot. He gets a big cone with a double-scoop of vanilla ice
cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real
mess trying to eat with his little flippers.


After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic
if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like
you blew a seal."


"No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off the
front of his trousers.


"What is that thing doing hanging off the front of your pants?" asked
the bartender.


"I don't have a clue but it is driving me nutz!"

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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender
glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.





The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do
have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them.”





The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I’m
sorry as hell man, but it wasn’t you. It’s the guy next to you. He keeps
dipping his crackers in your neck.”

What did the leper say to the hooker?





Keep the tip.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands.





On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."





"What?" said the puzzled groom.





"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"





"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.





Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.





Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.





Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.





Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.





Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.





Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure
how to position it.





Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.





Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.





Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But
now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"





"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"





"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.





After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door
of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of
the project, there comes a knock at the door.





"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.





"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.





The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.


"Nice Tits," says the man, "where do you want these
blinds?"

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A line of nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven
waiting to get in.





The first nun approaches St. Peter for entrance when he ask her if she has any
last confessions.





The nun replies, "One time my hand accidentally brushed up against a
penis."





"That's ok," St. Peter says, "just dip your hand in this bowl of
holy water and you can enter."





The next nun approaches St. Peter and gives her final confession. "St.
Peter, one time I gave man a handjob before I made my vows."





"That's ok," St. Peter says, "just dip your hand in that holy
water and you can enter."





All of the sudden, there is a commotion as another nun pushes through the line
to the front.





St. Peter asks the nun what her hurry is to get to the front of the line.





"I want to gargle that holy water before Sister Mary comes and sticks her
ass in it!"

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and
asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

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THE WEDDING TEST





I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.





My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and
I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never
did it when she was near anyone else.





One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me
that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.





Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and
get me.





I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.





Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that
you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.'





And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.

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     Smartest
thing Cliff ever said on Cheers:


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Claven
was explaining the buffalo theory to Norm. And here's how it went:





"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.





In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers."      

   

  Random Jokes:


Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?...Because they
have cotton balls.





What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?...


A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."