Posted: 6/23/2010 1:48:04 PM EDT
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I called my friend
Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'Lord, now I know why I am not shy And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?' [quoted from Dave Barry] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N0w2rORwSc (ETA: Funny little ditty –– NOT a video of a colonoscopy!  )
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My BIL just had one, he said he was watching it on the screen while they were doing it and he heard the doc say everything looked good huh, well he thought he was talking to him so he said "yeah looks fine" then he heard some giggling and was out.
So they must not have had him under all the way. He did ask the doc before they started to get his wife's shoe while he was in there. |
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So they must not have had him under all the way.
What they give you is a 'twilight sleep' drug. You are conscious and can respond to commands (like "Lie on your side") but you DON'T remember what you did or said afterward. Kinda scary if you are concerned about the statute of limitations... |
| i had one so far, and another coming next year. i didnt have any drugs. personally the cramping and pain i feel every day, was about the same as the pain from the colonoscopy. the it only hurts when the camera goes into the corners. then it pushes through the corner as it turns. it cramps. then it makes the turn and it stops hurting. really no big deal. other than seeing your ass up close on a 32 inch tv. while being attended to by 2 nurses and a doctor.. i apologized that they had to see my hairy ass. |
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I worked with a guy that got a colon exam. He said that if your not gay before the precedure, your going to feel like you are afterward. I laughed so fucking hard I thought I broke a rib. I laughed all damn day becouse of that remark. I refuse to go get one. I dont like doctors and I sure dont like the idea of my asshole getting snaked out like a stopped up drain. I'll take my chances |
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the camera deal is so small you dont feel like that is the problem. it is much smaller than a pinky finger... get a colonoscopy if you are of the age to need one. dieing from rotting from the inside is probably not a good way to go.
i am not old enough to need the testing but, i have alot of health problems. |
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When I had mine, the doc had the courtesy of prescribing Fleet which came in little 40mm bottles instead of the stuff they prescribe now where you have to drink an oil barrel's worth of liquid in an hour. Tasted absolutely disgusting. I didn't fall asleep during the procedure, I fell asleep about an hour after it was over. I had mine ten years ago. I'm pretty sure the doc gave me Demerol during the procedure. My mom had one this year and I don't think that's what she got. Oh and 
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Just went through it yesterday. The Movi-prep description was right on....
I also cannot remember because of the drugs....but am very relieved I'm gtg for 10 years before another one. Doc said my prep was good...drank ginger-ale and ate lemon jello. To me....the hardest part was drinking the 2nd Movi-prep....you knew before you gagged it down what it would taste like.... 
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I had no problem with the prep. I eat a ton of fiber and vegs so, the prep was no big deal. Not a lot different than normal. However, I WAS NOT PUT TO SLEEP FOR THE PROCEDURE. At least not until I SCREAMED at the top of my lungs (or so it seemed to me) when the doctor sprayed something while up in my colon––said he wanted to clean a spot (I was watching on a tv set they had hooked up) and they realized I was not out. I am not sure if I promised the doctor I would kill him for spraying that inside me, but I should have. At that point, they upped my dosage, and I awoke later in recovery. People say the prep is the worse part. PEOPLE FUCKING LIE!! THEY LIE!! Make damn sure they knock your ass out. I have had bone surgery and a morphine drip to handle the pain, but that squirt in my colon SUCKED. |
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My Dad just went through this last Thursday. All liquids and then The good old solution to clean your guts out. He was squirting tiffany cufflinks for about 3 hours.
Then he had a some sort of Magnesium Citrate bottle he had to drink the morning of the procedure. That cleaned out whatever was left..... 
So, I drove him down to the Specialty Center about 9AM and his appointment was right on time at 9:45. Did his paperwork and I went outside to sit in my truck. Phone rang from Dad about 11:15 stating that he was done. I was like, Huh? As soon as he got into the truck he told me they COULD NOT do the procedure. 2 Months ago, he was diagnosed with Diverticulitis and was prescribed Antibiotics. Welll, Haflway through taking his medication, He quit it because, "He was feeling better"
So, Here is again having to wait about 8 weeks and will have to go through the prep once again. |
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Quoted: Actually, prep IS the worst part. Then again , nobody squirted anything up my poop chuteI had no problem with the prep. I eat a ton of fiber and vegs so, the prep was no big deal. Not a lot different than normal. However, I WAS NOT PUT TO SLEEP FOR THE PROCEDURE. At least not until I SCREAMED at the top of my lungs (or so it seemed to me) when the doctor sprayed something while up in my colon––said he wanted to clean a spot (I was watching on a tv set they had hooked up) and they realized I was not out. I am not sure if I promised the doctor I would kill him for spraying that inside me, but I should have. At that point, they upped my dosage, and I awoke later in recovery. People say the prep is the worse part. PEOPLE FUCKING LIE!! THEY LIE!! Make damn sure they knock your ass out. I have had bone surgery and a morphine drip to handle the pain, but that squirt in my colon SUCKED. |
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I don't remember what the brand name of the prep solution I had to take was (nulyte or something like that), but it was essentially salt and baking soda mixed with water (sodium bicarbonate, sodium chloride, & potassium chloride).
Getting it down wasn't bad at first. But by the end of the jug taking another swallow was a test of willpower. It did clean you out (that's for sure!) , but it wasn't like some are reporting here. I had bowel control, and the urgency wasn't that great. Not like you're going to shit your pants if you get a foot away from the crapper. I was sedated for it. But the last time I was put down, I was really unnerved by the 'lost time' sensation. So this time, I tried really hard to 'watch myself' go under. Bad call... The nurse told the person transporting me that they never had to give anyone that much (of whatever drug they used)! 
And I felt it, too. I was wacked out for most of the day. |
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Wow, what an experience. Mine was tame by comparison.
My Dr. had me start the prep about 3 days in advance. Final day was a big bottle of MiraLax mixed with about 3 quarts of Gatorade (not red or orange), downed in about an hour or so. All cleaned out in about another hour. Went in the next AM, was put under (woke up very very briefly near the end and then back under). Really nothing to be worried about. Got a nice set of pix. |
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I had mine done about two years ago. When I woke up in the recovery room, this really sweet-looking nurse was bending over me, calling out my name and asking if I was awake.
I woke up, took one look at her really magnificant ta-tas, and said "Wow! You sure got nice tits!" |
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Yes they suck but this is pretty accurate. They gave me pictures they took of my colon, still have them somewhere.
That stuff you drink is like drano but lemmon flavor, the nurse tripled up the flavor for me. The drug they give you is awesome, I did not have any memory of what what had happened and I was pretty happy and feeling fine. It makes you fart like you are trying to signal ships at sea. I have to have another one in a year since it has been nearly 2 years since the last one and they had to remove polyps. |
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Quoted:
I worked with a guy that got a colon exam. He said that if your not gay before the precedure, your going to feel like you are afterward. I laughed so fucking hard I thought I broke a rib. I laughed all damn day becouse of that remark. I refuse to go get one. I dont like doctors and I sure dont like the idea of my asshole getting snaked out like a stopped up drain. I'll take my chances I hope you don't get cancer. It is not fun but it is important and can save your life. |
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Quoted:
I had my first colonoscopy a week ago Monday. I asked the Doc where he was taking me for dinner later on that night. I get 80% of my daily calories from animal flesh. Been that way my whole life. Didn't even have one polyp. My first exam after moving to NM, the doc gloved up, and said, "Ready to meet your maker?" I responded (after the procedure) that if he got into trouble with the NM AMA, I could get him regular bookings in Oakland, CA. |
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My Dad is a GI doc and I worked as a stretcher jockey and blood mopper in surgery as my first job.
None of this was any big deal to me. Had my first upper at 21 due to severe reflux and another at 34 for a routine checkup. I will have my colon done at 40. My wife had hers at 34 and everything was fine. They knocked me out hard on the last upper. Nurse had to pull up under my jaw to wake me up. I was awake, but I don't remember any of it. My wife took me to Schlotskys for lunch afterward. There was a tranny working the window and I apparently kept loudly pointing that out to her. Got home and kept feeling her up untill she put me to bed. She got a big kick out of it. |
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Quoted:
My Dad is a GI doc and I worked as a stretcher jockey and blood mopper in surgery as my first job. None of this was any big deal to me. Had my first upper at 21 due to severe reflux and another at 34 for a routine checkup. I will have my colon done at 40. My wife had hers at 34 and everything was fine. They knocked me out hard on the last upper. Nurse had to pull up under my jaw to wake me up. I was awake, but I don't remember any of it. My wife took me to Schlotskys for lunch afterward. There was a tranny working the window and I apparently kept loudly pointing that out to her. Got home and kept feeling her up untill she put me to bed. She got a big kick out of it. You dog, you! You just used the meds as an excuse! |
