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Posted: 3/28/2002 7:06:16 PM EDT
What did you guys look for in a wife? I mean I am dating this girl and she has the best personality of any girlfriend I have had. Doesn't care that I have a firearms obsession, forgives, easy going, laughs, cute, likes to do things that I like (camping, hiking, etc.), and is the type of girl that would stay with me if I became paralysed tomorrow. A while back I got out of a relationship with a girl that was just absolutly sexy. Had the face and the body. One time when she was out eating with my mother the waiter actually got down on his knee and proposed to a girl he had never met. She was just plain beautiful, half spanish girl. But, she knew she was hot and had that spend some money on me attitude and kiss my ass or I will say you treat me like shit. This is the girl that broke up with me cause "You like you guns more than me.", (you guys get that one ever?) Anyways, What is it that makes you happy when you get older. I want to believe it is all about the personality, but I need some assurance or maybe even direction. I am not planning on getting married within the year, I am only going to be 21 next week, just a little advice from those who know.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:11:03 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:16:31 PM EDT
Here's the catch - "Have enough in common that you can talk, but enough difference that give you something to talk ABOUT." Jon's First Law of Relationships... Make sure you are politically and philosophically on the same side of the coin, but are still apart enough that you can have conversations with some variation. Learn from each other. I have learned more in the last couple years from my wife than I have in 20 on my own about spirituality, Taoism, psychic phenomena (and I though I had this one nailed!) and similar subjects. My wife has learned a great deal about auto mechanics and engineering, machining, electrics, and most other trades from listening to me. We sound out new ideas on each other. And now the kicker - "Be ready to support each other - NO MATTER WHAT." Support can take many forms, but it MUST be there. My wife went thru an emotional crisis, I was there. I have had difficulty in finding work (mostly personal difficulty,) and she is there. Her mother retired and needed somewhere to live (couldn't move to OK for health reasons) and we are all here. Get the idea? A woman will teach you new meanings of "tolerance" and "patience" if you really love her. Do you? I can't tell you that - no-one can. It's all up to you. I'd walk thru fire for my wife. FFZ
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:16:53 PM EDT
Well, I'm on my third marriage right now, so maybe you won't want to take advice from me but here goes anyway. Dating women for their looks is great when you're young and not necessarily looking to settle down. When you're looking to get married, ignore the looks and choose based on personality and compatibility. When she's 65 years old, that beauty from youth will be gone and you'll be stuck with her personality. But, I wouldn't advise getting married until you're at least 25, so by all means, right now, go for the beautiful girls with the great bodies. And who knows, maybe that girl with the perfect personality will also be great looking, just don't require it.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:18:43 PM EDT
Also has to be said-what are you waiting for?
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:20:23 PM EDT
OK here is my 2 cents. I am 28, and I have been married 3 times. the wife I have now #3 as far as I see it walks on water. I settled the first time, and was after #2's money. My current wife walked into my life, turned it upside down and I knew after the second day I was with her that I would never be complete with out her in my life. Regardless of the way a woman looks, or acts, Never get married because of her. My dad always told me "don't marry the one you can live with, marry the one you can't live with out". It's solid advice....just wish I took it to hear the first 2 times
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:24:26 PM EDT
Romance is not important. Looks are not of primary importance (by which I mean, she has to be pleasant enough to look at that you aren't disgusted with yourself, but she doesn't have to be a model or anything). What is important in deciding on The One is finding someone that you think you can spend the majority of the time for the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. That means, find a girl you can call your friend. Because when the romance is gone, when you're so old that the sex appeal is gone, when the looks are gone...well, what you want to have is a friend.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:32:22 PM EDT
Believe me sex has very little to do with marriage, it slows down a little every year, after 10 years it is practically all your own fist. Dont marry for sex, if you do you will be very dissappointed. Go for love, could you make it a lifetime with this chick with no sex? If you could survive just on love you will be ok.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:46:34 PM EDT
If the answer was so simple – life would be a hell of lot easier. Basically, enigma2y0u, it all depends on you. It's the level of importance you attribute to looks or personality. It's down to you to decide if that real sexy bimbo's looks will compensate for her single-digit I.Q., AFTER the 'newness' wears off. It all depends on you if that plain but vivacious and interesting girl will be enough UNTIL the 'newness' wears off. And believe me, no matter who you marry, the 'newness' will wear off. I regard marriage as a team of two people who realize that, if they both work real hard at it, 1 + 1 can equal a lot more than 2 (and I'm not talking about kids) and then you may be lucky enough to share your life with your greatest friend. Remember, you can't make someone love you – they either do or do not – and you can waste your life trying to prove it ain't so.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:49:08 PM EDT
Someone you can be yourself around. No airs or put-on. Yes, your best friend and she will be there when you are down, need a boost, etc. Second time around for me and sex is; well there ain't much when "change-of-life" comes around.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:51:00 PM EDT
I would go for it. I am sorry that I didn't marry my wife at a younger age. Most decent women are not "perfect", and as a friend of mine says "no such thing as an ugly girl when she has your crank in her mouth." GunLvr
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 7:56:11 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/29/2002 11:30:15 AM EDT by BusMaster007]
Forget how old you are. With all that goodness between you, I agree with Axel. What are you waiting for? ONCE in my life, I had the same thing at about the same age. I waited. She moved. She called a year or so later and was coming back to marry me. Two weeks before she was to leave, she was killed in a car accident... [b]No joke.[/b] Don't wait to experience the Human joy of Love, my young friend. It may never happen again. I cannot tell you how many times I still think of her, regardless of the present circumstances. It was True Love in every sense. If you've got it, don't let it go. (edited for garandman because he's right...)
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 8:04:15 PM EDT
Engaged at 19,21, and signed the legal papers with my 5th serious girlfriend, now legaly my wife, at 24. We've yet to have the 'ceremony' yet and I'm glad. Lots of mixed emotions, although I hate, I mean HATE dating (too many mistakes, too much done 'in the heat of the moment')I think the year I've known her hasnt been enough. She's pretty, and book smart, but very quirky and absentminded. Initialy we had a lot to talk about, and thus the speed of the development of the relationship. Then it seems that we just dont discuss things anymore. I'm absolutly certain about the existance of God, and very interested in spirituality. She's an agnostic and is nebulusly (sp?) anti-religion because I think she fears thinking about anything bigger than life here on earth. I admitidly am very relaxed on faith even though I am a practicing Muslim, but I have one stipulation for someone I want to commit the rest of my life to, that the person believe in something beyond themselves. Politicaly we tend to be right and left of the fencepost, but have no huge differences. I think she is largely apathetic. About the only thing she REALY gets excited about is WWF Wresteling, which I view with the same sort of feeling that I have about Howard Stern and beenie babies. A sort of disgusted apathy. She enjoys shooting clays and owns a couple of guns, but again, is pretty lax about it. She just doesnt get excited about much except Wresteling. We have some good discussions about things occasionaly, but I've had exs that have been far more entertaining. I guess I just like a woman with some intellectual 'fight' in her. After a while the physical traits dont become so much what you deem a 'sex goddess', but traits that are nice and wont wear out in 40 years...like big knockers. Much as I love her, I've dedicated my life to other things from an early age, and feel generaly OK about the relationship, it'll go on forever, but its nothing 'great'. I'd rathar find someone who shares the same sort of committment to something I'm passionet about.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 8:04:27 PM EDT
I am suprised no one has mentioned this. Take a good look at her family. If you can't stand her parents take a careful look at her. She might turn out just like them when she reaches that age. Your relationship with your inlaws can enhance a marriage especially when children arrive. The reverse is true also. If she doesn't like your family and parents this will cause some major conflicts down the road. Nothing like a good fight on where to spend christmas day or thanksgiving and there is always the family reunions.[rolleyes] Like freefirezone said at some point the bad times will pay you a visit. That will be when your love and commitment will be tested. My wife compares it to steel. It will break or be tempered. If you can have a marriage where both partners are fully committed your in for the ride of your life. One more thing before I step off the [soapbox]. If you find this person tell her how you feel,give her a hug and a kiss(and I mean a real kiss) every day. Even after 20 years or more of marriage always hold her hand in public when ever you get a chance.
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 8:04:32 PM EDT
Two points that seem relevant, in my case at least: 1- Go with your gut. My wife is the first and only woman I woke up next to the "morning after" who I wasn't disappointed to see. I had been with my share of women, (and a lot of other people's share, too) before her, and without fail, I always had a kind of "Ooooh.........shit. I gotta go." feeling the next day. Even in my own apartment. Perhaps it was a latent guilt complex as a result of a good, old-fashioned Yankee religious upbringing, but she was the only one. 2- And directly tying in with item 1, get some experience, and know what you want. You're 21, I'm assuming your current sweetie is about the same age, and the two of you know what's fun, but your character's haven't taken a real 'set' just yet. What you need is some mileage and experience, as does your current flame. My wife was divorced after marrying at 18 and ditching the bum after a year, then was in a long term relationship with another guy for so many years who couldn't bring himself to finalize the divorce with his first wife. This was good schooling for her, and was good for me, because she wasn't too proud to point out some of the potential hazards of our relationship as we got closer over time. Bottom line, stop thinking about marriage, and enjoy today for now. If she's a keeper, you'll know it, and getting married will be something you both want, when the time is right, and when you both know that you're it for each other. Twenty one is still early, in my book... what's the rush? Do it once, and do it right the first time, with no doubts or regrets. (Damned near impossible, I know, but still a worthwhile pursuit.) Best of luck,
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 8:04:46 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/28/2002 11:47:26 PM EDT by sgtar15]
Personnaly I wouldn't take advice from anyone that has been married multiple times. My dad told me to treat marriage like a business deal. By that he meant find someone that meets your life long needs and has the values you are looking for/share (ie Religion,political,kids,money). I did this with my wife and have been married for 17 years. Yes I loved her than and still do. But the fact was that I knew she would be a good mother to my children and would always be a decent person, no matter how life changed, were the main reasons for marring her. We are best friends. The second bit advice is this: Marriage is forever....period!! If you believe any other way, I 100% guarantee you will get a divorce within 5 years. A man needs to be "in love" to ask a woman to marry him. But it is living with them thru the years of lifes ups and downs that makes a man experience "true love" with woman. There is a [b]big[/b] differance between the two types of love. Either take marriage seriously or don't bother with it! Sgtar15 Edited because my wife told me I had bad sentence structure-----DOH!!!
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 11:37:52 PM EDT
Spot on, sgtar15! I probalby should have mentioned that i believe it should be difficult to get married (we had to get premarriage counseling before her church would link us) and even harder to get divorced! I had planned on only getting married ONE BLOODY TIME, and I strongly feel I got it right. Gofer - I also like the "steel" analogy, it fits well. I usually use it when describing "passing into manhood" and the trials that entails... I never thought of it applying to marriage, as that is more like "welding" to me than "forging" (partners should be "forged" before they get married!) As far as age, remember that "marriage is an old man's comfort and an young man's disaster." Take your time so you can choose wisely... FFZ
Link Posted: 3/28/2002 11:53:39 PM EDT
Originally Posted By BusMaster007: Forget how old you are. With all that goodness between you, I agree with Axel. What are you waiting for? ONCE in my life, I had the same thing at about the same age. I waited. She moved. She called a year or so later and was coming back to marry me. Two weeks before she was to leave, she was killed in a car accident... No shit. Don't wait to experience the Human joy of Love, my young friend. It may never happen again. I cannot tell you how many times I still think of her, regardless of the present circumstances. It was True Love in every sense. If you've got it, don't let it go.
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DAMN!!!! Very few post on this board have actually [i]"moved"[/i] me. But yours did BusMaster007!! Sorry for your great lost...but glad she is [i]still[/i] kept close to your heart in at least some manner. Sgtar15
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 1:40:47 AM EDT
enigma2y0u: First off, let me congratulate you on your upcoming birthday-just don't do anything to rash on that day[;)]. Second, congrats on finding such a good woman-they are becoming more difficult to come by everyday. Here is my take on things: My wife and I are coming up on our 6 year anniversary and we are both 25. You do the math. We have been together through thick and thin-numerous depolyments while in the Army, working full-time while going to college full-time, broke, etc...What makes marriage worth it-gut-wrenching love, understanding, FRIENDSHIP, and our future together. It is hard to enumerate the things that add up to the woman in question being the 'one', but here is what I think-listen to your gut feeling. If you went into this relationship just looking to have a good time, and things have worked themselves out, then that is a good sign. Do you feel comfortable around her-does she fart in your presence is another way to think of it. Are you friends? Are you best friends? Do you complement one another. Last-have you felt sick to your stomach when you think about her? If you answer yes-well my friend, that is love! Love is right and all else is wrong. Do not think that just because she has all of these great qualities that she is the one, you have to know it in your gut! No one is perfect, especially girlfriends (ouch)-so remember that if you love her and all of the qualities that you want are evident in the same woman-you have a winner. The hard part is convincing her[;)]. Personality endures while beauty changes with time. Like my father in law told me when I asked for his only daughters hand in marriage: "No matter how good looking she is, someone else is sick and tired of putting up with her crap!" Truer words were never spoken, so make sure that you know it in your gut before you make your move.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 3:44:01 AM EDT
There are a few comments about advise from a person who was married before. Yes I was. No, the divorce was not me idea. My advise, same as my last post.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 4:11:15 AM EDT
There were a few things you said that would help to put into perspective: "I mean I am dating this girl and she has the best personality of any girlfriend I have had." Ummmm, you're 20, out of high school a year...how many serious-one year relationships have you had...not with a young girl who can't decide whether Ricky Martin or N'Sync arent' her love interest? "Doesn't care that I have a firearms obsession, forgives, easy going, laughs, cute, likes to do things that I like (camping, hiking, etc.)" Ummm, here is a simple question, how old is she? Does she want to get out of the house and sees you as a way of doing it? Is she looking for an MRS. degree and isn't going to college so her choices are more limited? "and is the type of girl that would stay with me if I became paralysed tomorrow." Hmmm, once again, how long have you been going with her? How do you figure she'd spend the rest of her young life with you if you became paralyzed? Old fashioned advice...don't get married till you've been together 1 1/2. Don't "shack up", it's so far the best guarantee that your marriage won't last (really, not a religious rant but real live statistics). And as Gofer wisely suggested, LOOK AT HER FAMILY!!! How does her mom treat her dad? This will show how she will treat you when you are a husband. How does she treat her dad? Respect, disdain, nasty comments? This is how she'll treat you. What are her siblings like...nice, skanks, slutty, illegitimate kids running around. You'll be having these people in your life....forever. Check out her family really really well, they can make your life a living hell. Remember, you just aren't marrying her, you are marrying her entire family...it may just not be worth it.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 4:48:50 AM EDT
What sgtar15 said, on both posts! I have been married 19 years, and have 3 boys that I would not trade for the world. And yes me and the miss have had our ups and downs but many more ups than downs. And I have been tempted many times over the years, but each time I think of the miss and I do not touch, that is true love.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 4:59:03 AM EDT
If you marry someone for their body and good looks, you need to take a hard look at the girl's mother. That is what your lovely wife will most likely wind up looking like over the next several years. In the meanwhile remember what National Lampoon once wrote about the human female body: With aging, everything will get: [b]1. Harrier 2. Larger 3. Closer to the ground![/b] Think about it! What looks exotic now, might look bizarre later! Eric The(Sensitive)Hun[>]:)]
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 5:03:29 AM EDT
I am far too cynical about love to give good advice. I was married at 20 and had serious doubts at the time - and I was right. It was a big mistake. Unfortunately I believed the "forever" stuff and married the bitch a second time. Even bigger mistake! After you get older, most of the good ones are taken or have a bunch of kids. What good ones remain are in it for the money.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 5:05:47 AM EDT
Originally Posted By enigma2y0u: What did you guys look for in a wife? I mean I am dating this girl and she has the best personality of any girlfriend I have had. Doesn't care that I have a firearms obsession, forgives, easy going, laughs, cute, likes to do things that I like (camping, hiking, etc.), and is the type of girl that would stay with me if I became paralysed tomorrow. A while back I got out of a relationship with a girl that was just absolutly sexy. Had the face and the body. One time when she was out eating with my mother the waiter actually got down on his knee and proposed to a girl he had never met. She was just plain beautiful, half spanish girl. But, she knew she was hot and had that spend some money on me attitude and kiss my ass or I will say you treat me like shit. This is the girl that broke up with me cause "You like you guns more than me.", (you guys get that one ever?) Anyways, What is it that makes you happy when you get older. I want to believe it is all about the personality, but I need some assurance or maybe even direction. I am not planning on getting married within the year, I am only going to be 21 next week, just a little advice from those who know.
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When you get older, being able to laugh, shoot, hold hands, have sex, and sleep with your best friend is the best I can say about having a wife. Mine is that and more, and after 20 some odd years we are just as happy, if not moreso, than we were way back then.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 5:08:03 AM EDT
Best advice I ever got (outside of the Bible) was - DO NOT marry someone you can live with. Marry the ONE person you cannot live without. (Some people get all pissy if I quote the Bible)
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 5:28:02 AM EDT
Wow, some real skeptics coming out at the end of this thread. That's OK though. I tend to be on the skeptic side too having been married at 18, to an older woman to boot. Quite an edcational experience. My whole thing is that at 18 you just really don't know WTF you are doing. Even though I am now only 24, I don't think you really know what you're doing at 20, 21 either. I am now getting divorced and am looking forward to the freedom that men in their early twenties really ought to have. Be free and experience different things now and get it out of the way, it will resolve a lot of problems later in my book. If you want to stay with this girl that's fine, I'm just saying take you're time, keep your options open, for your sake and hers, because once you say "I Do" all the options are gone. That being said, good luck. Mike
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 5:57:31 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Confederate: Believe me sex has very little to do with marriage, it slows down a little every year, after 10 years it is practically all your own fist. Dont marry for sex, if you do you will be very dissappointed. Go for love, could you make it a lifetime with this chick with no sex? If you could survive just on love you will be ok.
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You said a FREAKIN mouthful...
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 7:36:55 AM EDT
Originally Posted By garandman: Best advice I ever got (outside of the Bible) was - DO NOT marry someone you can live with. Marry the ONE person you cannot live without. (Some people get all pissy if I quote the Bible)
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I understand that there's a valid point behind that statement, i.e., don't "settle" in something as important as marriage. But on the other hand, that statement always makes me picture two leeches sucking blood from each other. You CAN live without another person, and if you can't, your life together is going to be miserable. It's not wise to make your happiness dependent on the actions of another person. Note that I am in no way denigrating loving another person, but that's way different than saying you can't live without them. When I was thinking last summer about whether I wanted to marry my wife, I basically asked three questions: (1) Do I love her? (Do I want to devote my life to loving her, putting her interests ahead of mine, being devoted and faithful to her, learning to know her, supporting her come what may?) (2) Do I trust her? (Do I believe she'll stay with me through thick and thin? Can I talk to her about anything? Deep down do we value the same things? Do I feel comfortable sharing my money, house, credit, and good name with her?) (3) Do I trust God? (Do I believe he'll be there for me when my marriage is going through tough times? Who will I lean on if she gets sick or mentally ill or dies or, God forbid, leaves me?) I'm glad I thought through those things. I have a real sense of peace being married to my wife. That's not to say I ever felt 100% sure about the decision because I don't know what the future holds. But I knew it was the right thing to do.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 7:41:27 AM EDT
Originally Posted By garandman: (Some people get all pissy if I quote the Bible)
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Do you think that maybe, just maybe, that has something to do with HOW you quote the Bible? It's true that some people don't like to hear the truth. Still, I have rarely gotten a negative reaction here when I have quoted the Bible.
Link Posted: 3/29/2002 10:14:15 AM EDT
Originally Posted By BostonTeaParty:
Originally Posted By garandman: (Some people get all pissy if I quote the Bible)
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Do you think that maybe, just maybe, that has something to do with HOW you quote the Bible? .
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It is my deliberate intent to make the Bible quotations as hard hitting as possible. My expereince is that ONLY jolting people wakes them up, spiritually. The mamby pamby flower power "God is only love and peaches and cream" "can't we all get along" pseudo-gospel makes me puke.[puke] Its my firm beleif it makes Him puke too. But I'm not talking about people who take issue with MY methods. Those are legitimate diagreements. I'm talking about the people here who say "All garandman ever does is quote the Bible." (There are a number of them) To which I say "Let me be as guilty of that charge as possible." As far as your statement regarding my statement "Marry the one you can't live without" - Well, that is classical illustration as to why I like to mostly quote the Bible [}:D] Man's wisdom will ALWAYS be flawed. God's wisdow will NEVER be.
Link Posted: 3/30/2002 4:53:27 PM EDT
Originally Posted By enigma2y0u: What did you guys look for in a wife? This is the girl that broke up with me cause "You like you guns more than me.",
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so, what was the problem?
Link Posted: 3/30/2002 5:17:10 PM EDT
Simple. I am looking for whatever makes her [i]DIFFERENT[/i] than my first wife! [:D]
Link Posted: 3/30/2002 5:32:08 PM EDT
Originally Posted By FreeFireZone: Here's the catch - - "Be ready to support each other - NO MATTER WHAT." Support can take many forms, but it MUST be there. My wife went thru an emotional crisis, I was there. I have had difficulty in finding work (mostly personal difficulty,) and she is there. Her mother retired and needed somewhere to live (couldn't move to OK for health reasons) and we are all here. Get the idea? A woman will teach you new meanings of "tolerance" and "patience" if you really love her. Do you? I can't tell you that - no-one can. It's all up to you. FFZ
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Truer words could not be spoken than what FFZ just said..... I have been married 2X. First time I was 20, we were together for 12 years and married for ten of those. One thing she never realised was that support takes on many forms and roles. When the chips were down for her I was there.....for me she was there....sadly though in our case when they were down for "us" she could not handle it and she screwed up and had an affair which ended our relationship [I forgave her but she would not/could not forgive herself]. Last time I rushed into things and married the gal that was [All that and a bag of chips]. Beautiful green eyed blonde pharmicist, 5'8", 125 lbs, hot hot hot. She only cared about herself. My relationship with her [the good part that is] was based solely upon how well I performed for her. The more I catered, waited, conceeded, sacrificed and bent over backwards the more [love, attention, affection, sex etc etc] I received. Anything wrong with that picture? Exactly! If you love her wait...........it will follow its own natural course. I may marry again someday..........I will though take my time and let things happen in their own way. Best to ya!
Link Posted: 3/30/2002 5:44:02 PM EDT
Link Posted: 3/30/2002 9:11:19 PM EDT
Originally Posted By EricTheHun: With aging, everything will get: [b]1. Hairier 2. Larger 3. Closer to the ground![/b] Eric The(hung)Hun[>]:)]
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I was walking across a bridge once and overheard these two vikings while they were taking a leak off the bridge. "Man, water's cold" says one. "Yea, deep too" says the other. Apologies to Eric, don't want to seem like I'm cappin' on ya ![;)]
Link Posted: 3/30/2002 9:23:29 PM EDT
My beautiful wife is beautiful because she loves me how I am, and what I will become. Not because I am "hot" or cater to her. I feel the exact same way about her. I see traits in her that I have seen in her mother and her grandmother. I have no problem with seeing her in that "future" view. Hell, I'll be an old fart then as well. AR15ForFun
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