[ARCHIVED THREAD] - How to avoid Divorce (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 5/2/2010 10:33:35 AM EDT
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After reading hundreds of "I'm getting divorced" threads, how about a thread for lessons learned?
I think this would be of great value for the single ARFCOMERS who are debating marriage, but want to learn from others who have been through divorce Let's hear those "DO NOT DO" pearls of wisdom guys and gals. And anyone who says "Don't get married", go find another thread to bash. |
And Men........Learn to talk.........don't be selfish...........Learn to talk and be honest.
And read the book "His Needs / Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley |
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Don't marry the wrong woman:
Don't marry the first girl to have sex with you! Don't marry a woman with two or three failed marriages behind her. Don't marry a "fixer upper" - no drugs, no crazies ... Don't forget you have one time to get it wrong. Why hell? Why send insults? Why cheat? Why lie? |
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Realize you are not the center of the universe - that applies to both sides Listen more than you speak Actually TRY to put yourself in their shoes Do your best to try to make them happy and it will come back to you - do not focus on your own happiness as it will cause it to elude you Spend quality time together. Quality time does not equal watching a football game together while your attention is entirely focused on the game Actually thank and compliment each other when appropriate, don't take what they do foregranted. Leave your pride at the door. Being the man does not mean being domineering, being the woman does not mean being domineering, its a partnership Act like a grownup instead of a child - applies to both sides Come to a firm agreement about money and finances both can live with before you ever get married The man has a deep need to be respected and the woman a deep need to feel loved. Do not assume they know you love them or respect them. Make it known every day or two in some way Men, being afraid to show your feelings is childish. Women, letting feelings dominate your decisions is childish. |
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Quoted:
Okay guys you have had bad experiences. But how about those 50% of Americans who have made marriages work? The guys that say don't get married, find some other way to raise your post count. Success rate is 50 percent and is the same for Christians and Non Christians. A toss of the coin is not good odds. The ego says, "With me and my wife it will be different." But 50 percent of the time, marriages fail. |
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I think the biggest mistake I made in my first marriage was that I took my ex wife for granted. You can not do that. If you are married to someone, and they do not know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are the most important thing in the world to you, you have failed.
As always, YMMV. |
| serious answer -> both my wife and I decided reasonably early on that no matter how pissed we were, we weren't going to allow something stupid to kill our marriage. So, when the "discussion" got interesting, one of us always reminded the other of this. Cooling off always came quickly thereafter. |
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Quoted:
Okay guys you have had bad experiences. But how about those 50% of Americans who have made marriages work? The guys that say don't get married, find some other way to raise your post count. I've been married 9 years this summer, have two kids, and have made the marriage to my wife work... The best thing one can do in a marriage is assess the stupid shit you're about to get pissed off about and realize in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter that my wife eats like a fucking savage with her god damned elbows on the table. It really doesn't matter that she spends my money on the stupidest of shit so long as it doesn't take food out of my kids mouths or the clothes off their backs. Big picture, she's a good mother, decent wife, and puts up with all the stupid shit I do... and hasn't changed the locks yet. However, I surmise that as soon as our kids our 18 I'll come home some evening and find my shit in the driveway and the locks changed on the door. At which point I'll move to Thailand with my buddy and marry five 19 year old Thai whores. The only benefit I have found to being married is it's ability to provide a stable platform to raise children and the tax breaks. |
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Quoted: And Men........Learn to talk.........don't be selfish...........Learn to talk and be honest. And read the book "His Needs / Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley +1 for Dr. Harley. His website http://marriagebuilders.com/ has a lot of good relationship advice on it, too. |
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wife and I decided at marriage that divorce was not an option. We never even mention it.
sometimes we're pissed, but it always gets better. it's WAAAY more complex than that, but at the heart of it you just have to decide that it's not going to happen, then work to make sure it doesn't. |
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Don't let the small stuff bother you. It's real easy to get frustraited over little crap. Take a deep breath, relax and let it go.
Accept her and all her imperfections, refer to the above. Arguments are normal, keep them on subject and think about your responce before opening your mouth. When she says something disrespectful try not to fire back, be the bigger person. Remember the 80-20 rule. 80%of the time is good and enjoyable, don't let the 20% of the time when you are arguing taint the 80% of the good times. Keep it in your pants. |
Just remember, no matter how much your focused on trying to avoid a divorce, and makeing things last, Its all in vein, unless she is doin the same... teemwork is key.... Honeslty the odds are it will fail... Go back 100 years ago Divorces were rare, and it was a shamefull thing, Now?? hell whats the point in even getting married anymore.. First post has it, sad to say.. 
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My secret to a long marriage.......your marriage will last three times as long as the amount of time you dated. So if you date them for 10 years before you get married then your guaranteed to get at least 30 years out of the marriage and by then you'll be ready to die so they will stick with you.
T |
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Quoted: Let's hear those "DO NOT DO" pearls of wisdom guys and gals. That's not where the widsom is at. The "what to do" things are what you need to be focusing on. As in make sure you understand your woman's physical, mental, and emotional needs and meet them for her. If you don't meet them she will leave or cheat somewhere down the road. According to the counsellor I have been seeing after my divorce about 15% of marriages actually last and have two people that are truely happy. He says that happens mainly "by chance", those 15% happen to meet someone who's core personality is one that understands and meets all their needs. He said there are a lot of studies that have shown this as well as showing that two people who work at understanding and meeting each others needs can have a long lasting happy marriage. An example of just one of the needs is what type of response does your woman need when she is stressed out from work. She might be emotional and need someone's shoulder to cry on. If the guy tells her to such it and ignores her, guess what he is not meeting her need. She might be the type that gets fired up and a good workout by herself gets the frustration out. In this case if the guy tried to pull her close, get all emotional, and tell her it's ok to cry, well he is not meeting her need and will probably end up being the source of her new workout. There are 1,000 of possible reactions to something like this and her reaction could be different at different times. The marriage that lasts is the one where the guy understands what she needs and meets that. |
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Quoted:
Okay guys you have had bad experiences. But how about those 50% of Americans who have made marriages work? The guys that say don't get married, find some other way to raise your post count. Just because the couples haven't divorced yet doesn't mean they are happy. I know for a fact my parents would divorce (him from her) if it weren't for the financial losses that would be incurred, pushing retirement further down the road. |
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If +50% of everyone who bought a house not only lost the house, but were financially and emotionally destroyed in the process, only a window-licking, graham-cracker-loving, mashed-potato-sculpting, Spongebob-watching retread would get married.
Unless you believe as I do that sex outside of marriage is a sin, there is absolutely no good reason to get married and a laundry list of good reasons not to. |
ooooooooooooooK. Spend some time with my ex-wife, you'll get a new perspective.