Posted: 1/11/2007 7:10:18 PM EDT
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About a year ago I gave up on my marriage. My husband treated me awful and I just got tired of making the effort. I quit. I stopped caring and I made friends outside of my marriage that I started doing things with. Well about 2 months ago my husband came to me and confessed he hasn't been a good husband and that he wants to be. He and I started going to marriage counseling but that got old very quickly. He didn't want to make any effort to make things better for me. He just wanted me to get over my anger at him and start trying again. Now we're at an impasse. I have no desire to try but have horrible guilt for not trying. He's happy as a lamb and thinks everything is hunkey dorey. My question is two fold - Most people who know our true situation tell me to just pack up and leave, that God wants me to be happy. But I feel strongly because of my vow to God that I have to figure out a way to make it work [even though my husband refuses to truly change]. Its an internal struggle that I'm having and I could use some reflection with. Thanks in advance. Patty |
While God does want our happiness, He does not want it at the expense of our holiness. It has been said that angels envy mankind only one thing, the ability to suffer and sacrifice for love of God. The path to God is through accepting the trials and burdens He sends us, and not to run from them, and it is never easy for anyone. In fact we give witness to being Christians by the very fact that we accept whatever God sends us. |
Okay, but does God send these trials to us or are we victims of free will? I thought God is good or only good? Patty |
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Patty, I don't know all the details of your marriage, but I truly believe that there are many reasons why God would forgive us if we couldn't continue in our marriages. You may be being true to your vows- loving, honoring, cherishing, forsaking all others, etc. But if he is not honoring his vows the same way, then that's where the serious problems come in. I dont' believe God would expect us to stay in abusive or adulterous situations. God does want us to be happy. And He also expects us to work our tushes off in trying to respect and maintain a sacred marriage vow. Marriage is a VERY serious commitment (as you know- that's why you're posting) and the breakup of a marriage is not something to be taken lightly. If you have thoroughly exhausted all other avenues, and your husband is still not respecting his vows, then leaving that marriage may be the last option. I believe God understands and accepts that. Good luck, sweetie... I'm sending you some (((((((hugs))))))) |
I'll chime in on this.... the answer is both. I think really the statement should be God never sends us more than we can handle. And just because God allows us to have trials in our lives, doesn't mean that He doesn't love us, it could be that He's testing our mettle. So that doesn't mean that we have to lay there and accept it if we find ourselves being physically assaulted, because God must have sent that to us. It means that whatever is happening, we must find the strength to find our way through it without losing faith. Whether your way through this is to work it out, or to end your marriage, is between you, your husband, and God. Whichever path you choose, keep your faith in God and come out a stronger person. |
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One man's trash is another man's treasure. Perhaps he takes you for granted. If this is true, how do you let him know what not having you is like without ruining it? Remember, your hubby took the vow too. If you're holding up your end of the "contract", you shouldn't feel guilty if things fail when he doesn't come through on his end. Tuff questions indeed. |
Thank you. It is difficult. I do try. I have a different belief though that I thought I would share. I do not believe God doesn't give us more than we handle. I wonder really how much that is thrown at us is actually by God's design or that God has allowed and I wonder if God allows these trials to stregnthen our faith in hHim? Meaning when we hit rock bottom we have no where to turn other than to Him? |
Well if the problem that is/has killed the marriage can't be resolved....there is little point. |
God gave us all our free agency. Yes, our own decisions lead us down paths in life that may take us to heartache or utter happiness. I think what is meant by 'no more than we can handle' is that no matter where we end up on the paths of our choosing or because of the actions (free agency) of others, that we can ALWAYS turn back to Him if we make the choice to do so. When I see people in horrible heartwrenching situations, I have to think also that God and/or our faith in God will NOT always save us from suffering or heartache in this life. But it WILL save us from eternal heartache and suffering. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. Sometimes things happen to some of us for no reason at all. Sometimes bad things happen because of our own actions. In the end though, we are His children and it's NOT more than we can handle... even in the extreme cases where it takes our mortal lives, it still won't take our eternal lives. But that's not what this thread is about....  sorry.... I guess another point would be that ALL of us sin and make bad choices at points in our lives. And feeling guilty is one thing- a little guilt is good because it shows we know right and wrong, and that we have a conscience. But God does NOT expect us to continually crucify ourselves for the rest of our lives because of it. Someone already did that for us. What He does expect us to do is to repent and not continue to make the same mistakes and do our best to make amends/rectify the situation.So here is what I'm "hearing" from you. You feel at the end of your rope with your marriage- it's a bad situation, it's BEEN a bad situation for a long time. You've tried everything you can think of to fix the bad situations in your marriage from your end. You feel that your husband hasn't and isn't trying at all. You feel that he doesn't/hasn't felt real remorse for his actions otherwise he'd be making a real attempt to fix the problem from his side too. All that being said, you are scared to put the option of divorce on the table, because you think that there's a possibility that you're in the situation you are because of your own actions (agency). And then, we've all seen the people today who take marriage so lightly that they'll get divorced at the very first argument they have. You don't want to be one of those people... you respect the marriage covenants you made with your husband and God and you feel that it just shouldn't happen. So now you're torn... stay in a miserable marriage with a man who doesn't respect you OR his own marriage vows- but still keep your own..... OR, get a divorce with the possibility of being happier in the long run but feel like you've let God down by not respecting your covenant with Him. That's what I'm getting from you... I could be way off though. If that IS what's going on.... well, like I said earlier, there are some situations that even God doesn't expect us to stay in, but it needs to be thought out veeeeeeery long and hard and carefully before that. It needs to be the absolute last resort- you have to do everything you possibly can from your end before that. But your husband has to do his part too, or it's all for naught. All I can say is, make a decision, and pray about it. Long and hard. If it's the right decision you'll feel right about it- not to say it can't hurt, but you'll end up feeling more at peace with it. |
Oh Patty...sorry to hear it.  I know that if you are not happy at home, then you are not happy. Here is the best advise I can give you. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. It sounds easy, but it can be very tricky when you find yourself drowning in self doubt, heartache and an uncertain future. If you do make the decision to call it quits, do so knowing that you did try everything in your power to make it work......dont give up untill you can look yourself in the mirror, with complete honesty, and say you gave it your absolute best. Only then can you rid yourself of guilt and you will be free to make life better for yourself. My dear, I only know you from this board, but you seem like a sweet lady that is full of life. I am wishing you the best in a bad situation. I have been through a divorce.....it was unbelievably hard on me. It got to the point I was unable to make a rational decision on what to eat, let alone what would be best for my sanity and future. Being honest with myself was one of the most difficult and cloudy aspect of that time in my life. Just so you know, I loved my 1st wife very much and we were married for over a decade, but so help me God, it wasnt meant to be. Now, I am married to the right girl. If you would have asked me while I was going through my divorce if there was a chance that I would ever be happy I would have said NO, that I did not deserve it because my broken marriage was disgrace to God. What a difference the right mate, the right situation can make.....because I am happy now. Why do I tell you that? Well, as awfull as my 1st marriage was, it has helped me in the long run, I now know what I have, and what I was missing all those years. If you can possibly work it out, then log off and get to working on it RIGHT NOW....If not, then please know that there is life after a split.....and God still loves you! |
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Patty, I cannot speak to your situation particularly because this can only be descerned by you with God, but I would quickly address the God only being good part and does He arrange hardship for us. I believe that he definately does arrange battles for us, but not so we can be overcome. but so we can learn to be overcomers. There are a lot of promises in the Bible in the age to come to those who overcome and you have to have something to overcome to do it. It is not popular, but the scriptures even say that God created the waster and the destroyer. Now why would a loving God do that? If you can see God as a loving Father or even a good coach it will start to make some sense. If a man's son or a player on a sports team wants to be a champion, a good father or coach will put resistence in front of him so he can gain strength by pushing against the resistence. A person who is in a coma or bedridden will quickly have their muscles shrink and atrophy from lack of use, but an ahtlete must push against more and more resistence to gain strength. Satan was created by God to be our spiritual 'weight machine' or 'punching bag' so we can gain strength and overcome him in all areas. This is why the Bible says that we should count it all joy when we come into various trials because our faith is tested and our patience is perfected. Now here is the hard part. Find out what God wants and overcome in that direction with your eye on the prize of becoming a better daughter of God from the battle. Don't assume that because it gets hard that it is not your Father's will for you. He loves you so much that He has arranged circumstances in your life to make you a champion. John |
God does not will evil, but He allows it so that we may become stronger by our fight against it. As Churchill said, "The kite flys highest against the wind". To put it another way, God wills that all the good that can happen, does happen. And there is a good that can only come through suffering and trials. |
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Quoted: Patty, I don't know all the details of your marriage, but I truly believe that there are many reasons why God would forgive us if we couldn't continue in our marriages. Careful, a Christian can never, ever encourage another to sin against God. You may be being true to your vows- loving, honoring, cherishing, forsaking all others, etc. But if he is not honoring his vows the same way, then that's where the serious problems come in. If in her vows she stood in the House of the Lord, in the presence of God, in front of friends, family and loved ones called together by her to witness her vow to Almighty God, said the words "in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, to death do us part.", then who or who is not honoring their vows the same way is of precious little importance. No two people in a marriage honor their vows the same way. That is simply not a reason to turn one's back on their promise to God. I dont' believe God would expect us to stay in abusive or adulterous situations. God does want us to be happy. And He also expects us to work our tushes off in trying to respect and maintain a sacred marriage vow. Marriage is a VERY serious commitment (as you know- that's why you're posting) and the breakup of a marriage is not something to be taken lightly. If you have thoroughly exhausted all other avenues, and your husband is still not respecting his vows, then leaving that marriage may be the last option. I believe God understands and accepts that. God forgive sins, He never "accepts" them. Love means loving the unlovable - or it is no virtue at all. G.K. Chesterton |
Well this is where you and I will diverge in our beliefs, friend. I don't necessarily believe that a divorce is always a sin against God. I believe that it is the intent of the hearts of the people behind the divorce that make the difference in God's eyes. For example... I truly do NOT believe that God would expect a woman to stay in a marriage/home with (now this is an example) an alcoholic, drug abusing man who physically beats and tortures not only her, but her children too. She may love her husband, but hate the sins and pain he puts her and her children through. Now after exhausting all possible remedies to this situation, she may and SHOULD (if there is physical abuse- not to mention is will never stop) make the decision to protect herself and her children. God says love all men, from the best of men to the worst of sinners. I believe that would be the love of one child of God to another child of God. That doesn't mean I need to stay in bed with someone who may kill me or my children. If you believe otherwise, so be it. But those are my beliefs. I am not, and would never, encourage Patty to get an impulsive divorce. But I also believe that Patty would weigh the decison with the seriousness it deserves. It's between her, her husband, and God. Your opinion and mine are not what matters.
Don't get caught up in semantics. Don't let my wording detract from the spirit of what's intended. You know exactly what I mean, and to get in a debate over that is just being argumentative. 
Like I said before, having love for another child of God does not mean staying in bed with them or not defending yourself. You can love someone without liking them. |
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One may separate for a time to heal wounds or get out of an immediately dangerous and/or abusive situation. But if both people were honest and really intended what they vowed at their wedding, the marriage is for keeps. To divorce is to break the vow. So two possibilities remain: one, to determine whether HE meant what he said when he vowed to marry...and two, to determine if both of you are thus really married, to figure out how to change to improve. Men are not as intuitive and subtle as women - dropping little hints just doesn't work unless he's already walking on egg shells and his 'radar' is on MAX...but men can't sustain that kind of awareness for long.  So this means you'll just have to SPELL IT OUT - as in, writing it down for him to read.... If the situation warrants you doing this in a counselling setting, so there's a 3rd party present, do it that way...show up, present your laundry list of reasons why he's not performing up to your standards and likes....let him absorb it. And then together with the counsellor, go over line by line. Warn him ahead of time though or he'll feel threatened and ambushed. Perhaps suggest both of you come up with a list of dreams or "ideals" for the other (of what you'd like them to eventually become) as well as a list of irks or annoyances the exhibit right now that seems to keep things 'the same'.... that way he'll have his own list of good and bad things to review with you and won't feel ambushed or threatened. Tell him the goal is to stay together. Also....it helps to consider what our internal, "silent expectations" are: kind of like Shrek 2 when the orge discovers his wife's diary filled with Prince Charmings.... that's the type of guy she dreamed of marrying....expected to marry...and always, in the back of her mind, was the guy she loved. Shrek had to BE a prince in substance if not in externals. If your dad is/was a great husband and father, or some uncle or other family member, then most of the time that is the default "standard" women will look for in their husbands, even if they don't come out and say it. Then there's your husband....what sorts of expectations did he have? Are his folks happily married? Or any relatives or good friends? What is his ideal marriage like? Beer, football, foot massages, easy sex, Male-ego-tripping.... being taken care of as if you're his personal servant.... or a partnership for life and for children? Maybe you both need a silent 2-3 day retreat to just get away from the noise and buzz of life, strip away the mad-hatter of our imaginations and get down to brass tacks of what it is you hope for, what it is you both ARE, and what each can change INCREMENTALLY to stay together. It helps to focus on the definition of Love as the "sincere desire for the good of another", which doesn't mean the "secret manipulation to get them to please me"...the more each focus on what would be GOOD for the other (and only then on what would please them) the more marriage (and friendship in general) improves. God bless |
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There was a time when because of business I travelled alot and the stress of being away triggered some bad feelings at home.... well one dark and rainy night I had a really vivid and bad nightmare about my wife. I called to see how things were and got a pretty frosty reception.... So for a couple of days I was really bummed out, wondering if she loved me at all.... I started to go back to brass tacks and separate out my "needs" from my "wants" and go back to those days of first courtship and falling in love and what I desired FOR HER... I wanted her to be happy - that was it. So as hard as it felt, I decided to soldier on and continue to desire her happiness above all things, even if it meant I'd not "get" anything in return. Even if it meant getting shafted. Would I give my life for hers? Yes. Then would I give up my desires, whims, hobbies, etc. for her happiness?..... well, if I said Yes to the first, I can't say No to the latter and keep my honor. So that was my attitude when I came home. I brought a little gift, smiled, immediately tried to help out around the home... and was pleasantly surprised that her bad mood had lifted and she had never stopped loving... But if she had...I was prepared to keep loving her. |
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{{{hugs}}} Patty, it sounds like you are pondering multiple things 1) How you think/feel about divorce in general and whether it is acceptable at all within your religious faith, or if so, under what conditions. That is something that you might feel best discussing with a clergyperson of your own faith instead of us here. It looks like we've had some responses that we outlandish enough to be deleted by our very tolerant moderator, and I am wondering if this is a good place at all for you to get answers that are both valid *and* supportive to you in your own theology. 2) How you would feel about yourself if you were to divorce your husband. After all this is very personal. You and him. If you divorce, it wouldn't involve him any more at all. It would be about how you feel about yourself as a person. Those of us who don't know you in person, we don't know whether this is a guy who leaves the toilet seat up and dirty laundry on the floor, or if it's a guy who knocks you around or calls you an f----ng b---h all day, and leaves you malnourished wirh only rags to wear and takes the distributor cap off your car every time he leaves. The pertinent question is Would you be better off with him or without him. One *can* look at this as a very cold, hard question. And it may well not be the most important one to you. Some people think only about their own wellbeing when pondering divorce. Others think more about how they percieve God as viewing them. And lots of people stay in unwholesome marriages for family reasons. 3) How it feels to "stop caring" for your husband and to "quit trying". We live in a society which puts an unannurally high value on romantic love. We generally undervalue "companionship" as couple grow older. Young women tend to expect that the sparks will always fly and that they will stay just as "thrilled" with romantic love for all the future to come. At best couples grow into a deep companionship and mutual fondness with frequent passionate "flare ups". But oftentimes couples just grow into the habit of being together and lack the motivation to either go their own way *or* put hard effort into improving the marriage. 4) Self-esteem and self worth. 4a)I've known of women who divorced their crummy husbands, and then went on to just blossom in what is called a "self-actualised" life. 4b) And I've know about an equal number of women who stayed in loveless marriages for family reasons, financial reasons, and religious reasons, who then went on to find creative outlets and validation of their worth in their jobs, volunteer work, church activities, and other wholesome endeavors. 4c) Many women divorce the lousy creep, and then find out that life is very hard and becomes a sheer battle for survival. They discover that there is no shortage of divorced women in the dating pool -- and especially with mature ladies, there are just plain a lot more women than men (we live longer). Finding a good new partner can be very hard, and living alone or as a single mom can be a life of poverty, depression and stress. 4d) And other women's lives become utter living nightmares with the brutal abuser they stay married to, and they lose all self-respect and any value of life. There will always be "what if" questions and some degree of guilt no matter what you do, Patty. The thing is to look inside of yourself and think through "what" would your life be 5 or 10 years down the road either way, and the "why" of the feelings you would have in either case. I hope you find peace in your heart and learn to respect and admire yourself as much as we do here. 
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Things are pretty wild this morning with my teenagers going in all directions but I will read each and every response with great attention. FWIW I would never divorce my husband. I would like to leave my husband to get away from the hatred and depression that seems to surround us. I've had a hard year with Cancer and additional medical problems that I just want/need to relax, unwind. The problem is that the entire family is so dependent upon me. I support us financially, physically, emotionally the kids are so dependent upon me and I get resentful that I can not take the me time to care for myself. I also feel guilty because these are my kids, I need to care for them. Well I can't continue. Gotta work. Patty |
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Quoted: Well this is where you and I will diverge in our beliefs, friend. I don't necessarily believe that a divorce is always a sin against God. I believe that it is the intent of the hearts of the people behind the divorce that make the difference in God's eyes. For example... I truly do NOT believe that God would expect a woman to stay in a marriage/home with (now this is an example) an alcoholic, drug abusing man who physically beats and tortures not only her, but her children too. She may love her husband, but hate the sins and pain he puts her and her children through. Now after exhausting all possible remedies to this situation, she may and SHOULD (if there is physical abuse- not to mention is will never stop) make the decision to protect herself and her children. God says love all men, from the best of men to the worst of sinners. I believe that would be the love of one child of God to another child of God. That doesn't mean I need to stay in bed with someone who may kill me or my children. If you believe otherwise, so be it. But those are my beliefs. I am not, and would never, encourage Patty to get an impulsive divorce. But I also believe that Patty would weigh the decison with the seriousness it deserves. It's between her, her husband, and God. Your opinion and mine are not what matters. They matter in as much as they are the teachings of Christ handed down though the Apostles, then the early Church, until today. In any case: 1. She has not said that the relationship is abusive in any way. 2. Leaving is just that, leaving. It is not a divorce. 3. As it is, I for myself accept the teaching of the Christian Church, and I think put forth again best by Chersterton that if such a thing as "divorce" exists, then there is no such thing as "marriage". Don't get caught up in semantics. Don't let my wording detract from the spirit of what's intended. You know exactly what I mean, and to get in a debate over that is just being argumentative. No. Based on your rationalizing someone breaking their sworn vow to the eternal God, I simply took you at your word. In such matters as have eternal consequences one must and should be most selective in their letters. Like I said before, having love for another child of God does not mean staying in bed with them or not defending yourself. You can love someone without liking them. As you can leave them without divorcing them. |
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Patty, I believe it to be a God-given responsibility to husbands and fathers to provide the necessities of life and protection for their family. I feel that any man who does not at least strive to fulfill this responsibility is a failure to both his family and the Lord. Sure, a husband and father should provide love, direction, support, etc. to his wife and children, but if he isn't at minimum doing all he can to provide for his family's physical needs and protection, he is a failure and not worth his salt. As for your husband, you know better than any of us whether or not he is striving to live up to these most basic God-given requirements. What ever you do, please do not feel guilt if it is a matter of his failure in this regard. As a mother you too have a responsibility to look out for the care and nurture of yourself and your children. You will need to evaluate your situation and decide if it is healthy for you and them. Sincerely, you'll have my prayers on your behalf. I didn't know (or forgot) that you'd had a recurrence of cancer-related issues. I really hope you're feeling and doing better now in that regard. Please, please, what ever you choose, keep up your communication with God. Talk with Him, express your concerns to Him, and get His input. With His help you shouldn't have to feel guilt withever decision you make. |
this needs to be addressed asap. talk to some real people(not cyber people) about this. sounds like the belief system you have involves a deity who is active in the affairs of his followers, why don't you invoke his help 
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Its a complex question, if the people who know your true situation think you should leave, then that is probably the best course of action for you personally. Their advice is going to be a lot more informed than people who haven't seen the situation first hand. good luck to you |
| Patty maybe it's time to change marriage counselors. They are not created equal. You need to be able to voice your disatisfactions clearly and with a neutral party acting as arbitrator who will reinforce your concerns and valid points to your husband. I believe God sends us challenges both as a test of our character and as devices for growth. I also believe marriage vows are sacred. Good luck, let your faith and heart be your guide. |
| Patty, this has been said befor, but you really do need to talk with real people. Also, you really do need to be honest with yourself. You weren't very specific, but how was he treating you bad? Was he beating or psychologically abusing you , or was it bettter/worse than that? Also, his negative treatment towards you could have been a symptom of him being depressed. |
I really do not have anyone to talk too or I would. I've lived pretty isolated since we were married 10 years ago. I tried to talk to my father about it this past Christmas and his reaction was "What ever you do, don't become a burden on your mother and I" What an ass.  Anyway, specifically - He went through a long period of depression where he was very withdrawn from the family. For about 4 years he was either gone or hiding [in the room or his shop]. What interaction he did have, was negative [yelling, saying not nice things to me or the kids]. We walked on egg shells. He's better now but still isn't much part of the family. A good deal of this is because the family [the kids and I] moved on, we still do things we just got used to him not being involved. The hardest thing to deal with is the lack of support. He will only give me a portion of his paycheck to manage on. It is about 1/2 of what I need. Over all it covers food and electricity. All else has to come from me [phone, water, garbage, school clothes, athletic expenses, gas, maintance on the house & cars, school pictures & supplies, birthday & Christmas gifts on and on]. I'm self employed and I get my money in leaps and bound. WE manage when I'm making money but its very ugly when we're not. When things come up [like my breast cancer] I had to borrow from him to pay for my meds [we do not have prescription coverage] and he takes back what I owe as it comes in with no regard to what the family needs [such as school fees or a kid with a pending birthday]. It infuriates me to no end. Anyway, I don't want to bitch about him. I think in a nutshell - I can't get over the anger I have for him. My priest had a lecture about marriage in church this past Sunday and it really pissed me off. I'm all for the commitment I made but it does anger me that I have to live for the rest of my life with a man that has no respect or appreciation for me. I do still care for him in that I would hate anything bad to happen to him and I do want him to be happy. I'm just tired of not being happy myself. I started a letter to him the other day that I ended up putting away. In essence I think he would be no less happy with me than with out me. I guess the majority of marriages are based on complacency but I always hoped for more. I did write my priest and tell him that we were having problems and he wrote back that he was sorry to hear that. That was it. Patty |
Patty, I'm sorry if I offend your sensitivities, but that right there angers me and I have no respect for a man who makes his wife "borrow" from him for meds.  What kind of a man does that?! I...I'm getting more upset by the moment just thinking about it. You've been struggling with cancer, and your husband doesn't have the balls to step up to the plate and take care of you?!!! Has he forgotten his vows? Does he think God will hold him blameless for his blatant neglect of wife and children? I am ashamed of him. I better stop now before I say things in anger that I know I will regret later. I'm sorry to you, Patty, that you've had to tolerate such behavior from your husband. |
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Okay, I am not religious so you can take my opinion FWIW to you but even to someone who believes in God, I cannot understand how one might think that whatever it is your husband is doing that is counterproductive to your marriage is any kind of supernatural 'challenge' from God. Only one person controls your husband and that is he himself. If he is unwilling to change his actions then only he can be accountable, all the praying in church and behind closed doors will not make him different. So it sounds like you have presented him with time and opportunity to make things better but he is still uninterested. I would not think that a God could look down on you with contempt for deciding that your husband has squandered his chances and moving on with your life. Best wishes to you. |
Oooohh I beg to differ. The results weren't exactly what we expected, but they were most effective. (regarding a very similar situation involving an aunt and a total flake of a husband she had.)Then again, I'm not sure Patty would want those results. Patty is kind hearted. |
I will beg to differ as well. There are two reasons why a man walks on the outside of the woman. 1. He is a gentleman. 2. She is a women. There is never a time when one of those is not true. There are two reasons to pray for someone. 1. For the change praying may cause in them. 2. For the change praying will cause in you. When one prays, there is never a time when one of those does not happen. I hope this will in someway help. St. Monica lived between 333-387 AD. She lived in Africa. St. Monica had a difficult husband, mother-in-law, and children. However, through it all, she stayed close to God and eventually helped convert her husband and son to Christianity. Her parents made her marry a pagan. He was abusive and had a horrible temper. His mother lived with them and was cruel to St. Monica. They had three children: Augustine, Navigius, and Perpetua. Marriage: St. Monica married Patricius, an official in the town of Tagaste, Africa. Patricius had a violent heated temper. He committed adultery. He was a pagan. His mother was like the son and lived with them. St. Monica continued to keep a positive and was kind to fellow wives in town. The women knew that she was suffering but admired her positive attitude. St. Monica prayed that Patricius would convert to Christianity. He and his mother converted in 370 AD. He died a year later. They had three children. Two of them joined the religious life. Augustine, however, became like his father. He was violent and an atheist. St. Monica prayed for him constantly. Knowing how strongly Augustine hated the Church, she told him to leave her house. Afterwards, she had a vision that encouraged her to invite him back. She prayed for Augustine for 17 years. She went wherever he went. A bishop once saw St. Monica weeping and said to her "It is not possible that the son of such tears should be lost forever." She felt great comfort in his words. Conversion of Augustine: Augustine went to Rome and Monica followed. He told his mother that he was meeting friends at a dock, but actually went to Rome. When Monica went to Rome, she was saddened to hear he went to Milan. She followed him. Augustine was influenced by the bishop in Milan, St. Ambrose. St. Ambrose helped Monica to accept things and Monica became a leader for women in Milan. She still prayed for Augustine, and on Easter, 387, St. Ambrose baptized Augustine and several of his friends. Final Days: St. Monica died in the year 387, and she was buried in Ostia. She knew she was dying, and she suffered for nine days. During the sixth century, her body was removed to a hided crypt in the Church of Saint Arues. Not until the thirteenth century, did the people begin to celebrate her feast day on August 27. In 1430, her relics were brought to Rome. Several miracles have occurred due to St. Monica. Augustine also became a Saint. Patron: Saint Monica is the patron saint of married women, abuse victims, alcoholics, alcoholism, difficult marriages, disappointing children, homemakers, housewives, married women, mothers, victims of adultery, victims of unfaithfulness, victims of verbal abuse, widows, and wives.  Saint Monica and her son Saint Augustine |
A friend told me once that people generally take care of the things that are important to them and that you could look at someones life and tell what they cared about based upon that. apply this to your husband and the priest equally. act accordingly. move on. don't look back.,,,,or keep doing what you have been and expect the same results as usual. if you really want a change you'll do something, if you are somehow enjoying or feel you deserve the role you are playing you will not. take action. |
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Patty, I know nothing of your situation, so I'll only say what my understanding is about God's view of divorce. In Matthew Jesus says that if you divorce for any reason other than adultery and then get remarried, you're committing adultery. I take this to mean that you can get divorced if things are bad enough, but that it's not sin unless you remarry. I'm not encouraging you to do that though. I'm sharing my opinion on one aspect of your question. I pray that things will work out for you. (Within your marriage). |