Yeah, the key really is that good.



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Dateline: Pittsburgh.

A home invasion was thwarted last night by a senior citizen wielding what later proved to be a telegraph key.

When police arrived at the Piccolo residence at 3;14 am they discovered a gristly sight. There were two bleeding men lying on the floor and the wild-eyed naked homeowner savagely beating the third invader with what was later recognized as a Chinese K-4 military telegraph key on the end of a cable.

It took the herculean efforts of six officers to restrain and disarm the senior citizen and one of the officers, speaking with the promise of anonymity, explained that after the man was disarmed that it took the better part of a bottle of Jameson's Irish Whisky to get him settled down and rational.

After the police got the homeowner settled down and dressed, he calmly plugged the blood-soaked telegraph key into a radio on a nearby desk and began tapping out a message to someone. When questioned by one of the officers regarding who he was communicating with, he explained that he communicating with the seller of the key and was ordering a spare to keep in his bedroom for protection against further attempts at home invasion.

No charges are expected to be filed.

All three of the home invaders were shipped directly to the intensive care ward at Allegheny General and one of them is actually expected to survive.

I've heard the sharp edges on those are particularly nasty when rectally inserted.  

Ah, yes - The ol' Chinese Radioman's Bolas... It's described in their army combat manual, IIRC.

In my mind, It must have happened something like this: