Posted: 12/7/2005 5:20:39 PM EDT
 NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the > first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of > you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! > > They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to > town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! > You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are > like me, you will be howling out loud. > > Notes From An Inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting > Texas from the East Coast: > "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. > The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be > standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, > when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) > that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I > could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." > > Here are the scorecards from the event: > __________________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI > > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. > > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > > FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried > paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I > hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > __________________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI > > JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. > > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted > to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they > saw the look on my face. > __________________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. > > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. > > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I > have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more > beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is > in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. > ________________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to > taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was > standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. broad is starting to > look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an > aphrodisiac? > _______________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very impressive. > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no > longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by > pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my > lips off? It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me to stop > screaming. Screw those rednecks! > ________________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice > and peppers. > > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. > Superb. > > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. > Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! > __________________________________________________ > > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried > about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is > cursing uncontrollably. > > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't > feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like > it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-hot shit to match my > damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not > getting > any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the new > 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > |
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hey thats what that "Da Bomb" habenarro sauce I was talking about will make you feel, never had ben gay vapor rub or whatever it called smeared in the crack of my ass, but if it makes your o ring pucker and feels as if the hairs on fire and the skins pealing off then thats the stuff roger roger kitty cat doger 10-4 over. MLW 
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