Well, as the resident hack writer without  what you folks would call a "paying gig" or even "enough money to make rent this month," I got to thinkin'. Seein' as how thinkin' is the only thing I'm good at, seein' as how doin' actually requires that cold, hard currency stuff that the kids these days are going on about, I'm typically relegated to just thinkin'.

So, I was thinkin'. I'd love to go to the SHOT Show this year and write a long-winded and inane article about the show, but moreso about Glock's big giant announcement about which all of us with trigger fingers and operating penises have been going crazy over the last demiannum.

Alas, a problem arises. As per the first paragraph in this post, I find myself completely bereft of funds. Ain't it the way with us shootie-writie-types? If I'm not constantly sauced, I'm reminded of the horrible bleakness of reality and besides, shooting is like sex. It's no fun if you're sober. Or doing it with someone you know and in a place with which you're familiar.

Being broke has put a damper on both of these beloved activities. I'm down to less than 100 .223s and I think about sixteen "of those pussy-ass nine millimeters." You know life is horrible when you have more boxes of that expensive Hornady TAP self-defense ammunition than Wolf ball  used for simple blasting. That also being said, I'm reduced to drinking (horror of horrors) domestic malt liquor instead of fine imported lagers, refined for my distinguished and alert palate. It's amazing how a dollar's worth of Steel Reserve - High Gravity can stave off the tremens for another day. Yeah, nothing like popping into a tall boy of the heavy, heavy fuel to keep you running cool for another twelve. As long as I stay out of bat country, I'll be doin' fine.

But I digress! Who wants to help me go to SHOT this year? I have a friend who works 'In the biz' (he works part-time {technically} at the Carson Armory) and I'm allegedly a writer and therefore work for 'the press.' I do have a web page or six, any of which can be used as a convincing cover to meet the whole 'Industry Or Press' requirement for admission. After all, I once used a Geocities page that made fun of Final Fantasy 7 as my prerequisite for admission to the E3 convention some years back.

So what do you say, guys? I have two weeks to amass about 150 bucks so I can travel to Las Vegas (more like, LOST WAGES, am I right?), buy a memory card for my crappy Vivitar digital camera (I've no idea to where the old one that had all the photographs I've taken in my entire life including memories of loves lost disappeared) and perhaps enjoy a tasty meal at that McDonald's in Tonapah. Oh you know the one, the one that can justify twelve dollars for a Big Mac value meal because it's the only game for two hundred miles in any direction? God, it's like being in Pasadena again. I have no intention on acquiring room and board, as every time I go to that Godforsaken city, I can never even find a room for rent, and in the rare occasion I do, I can't even get it, as I'm in possession of a Nevada drivers' license, so therefore I'm a local despite the fact I just drove nine hours to get there! Apparently as far as the hotel clerks are concerned, the 89410 zip code is just right down the street from the Fremont Street Experience and so therefore I'm a local and ha ha no room for you chumpsickle!

Yes, this has happened to me no less than three times. Once after fourteen straight hours on the road from Tucamcari, NM (right on the Texas border). I'm not beneath sleeping in my car in the parking garage at the Circus Circus then taking a shower at a truck stop. I've done it before and by God, it built character, and as the father and teacher of the great XXth century philosopher Calvin was so fond of pointificating: "A day in which character is not built is a day one can consider wasted!" This of course is a paraphrase.

I have more tangents than a room full of right triangles.

I hate begging for money or assistance or anything, but come on folks. You can send me funds via Paypal (more like Gaypal am I right?! Is this thing on?) to:
[email protected].

Or if one were so inclined, one could send currency of the cold, hard variety to:
S. Van Pelt
1290-A Zinfandel Ln.
Gardnerville NV
89460

And in case you're all wondering: My life is still awful and I don't yet know whether I'm going to part with my assets so I can leave the state for awhile and try to carve out a bit of that Grand American Dream which I guess is a pie of some variety.

At least going to SHOT would be a better expenditure of a weekend than sitting in my hermit-hole and watching reruns of Neon Genesis Evangelion? Right?

MS,

I sent you an IM.

Joe

Also, got the deal with SIA done, so that frees up the $25 from the no-longer have to do it  Brady on Dr.Mac's rifle, just gotta get the lower. Anyhow, $25  to you for your trip. Don't spend it all in one place.

You guys are wet, sweaty heroes. I don't really know yet how I'm going to get down there. It appears that my compatriot is wanting to take an aero-plane and actually sleep in a hotel room, whereas I'm fine hitchhiking and sleeping in a cardboard box, just so long as I get there.

Totals so far:

One admission stub, from Ishoot2live (you rule, duder)
Twenty Five Worthless Greater American Dollars from Gunmonkey.

Sweet! All I need now is a tye-dye shirt and a working thumb and I'll be living the dream our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Do you do windows ?

Maybe the local dudes know some good dumpsters to sleep in.
Also, I will be sending with Meansteve  gifts for the Southern ARFCOM Guys who he may run into, BOLO.

Heidi Fleiss is opening a male brothel in Pahrump.  Maybe you could work in a job interview while you're here, make a few bucks.  Might have to sleep with some ugly women to get that place to sleep, but hey, everyone makes sacrifices.

Fear and Loathing at the SHOT show By MeanSteve,this would be a damn good read IMO I'm waiting with 'Beered' breath

Quoted: Heidi Fleiss is opening a male brothel in Pahrump.  Maybe you could work in a job interview while you're here, make a few bucks.  Might have to sleep with some ugly women to get that place to sleep, but hey, everyone makes sacrifices.

She cant own a brothel or casino in Nevada. she is a convicted felon...its all a big put on. If it does ever happen shes only there for her name appeal, no part of ownrship,(shes so damn ugly i wouldnt touch her with meansteves you know what LOL). All right some one down there pony up and put your tent up in the backyard for Steve......you might have a hard time getting rid of him buy hey at least he wont be in a card board box in some alley.

I finished up proofreading this peice I was writing right after I wrote the intial post in this thread. Behold! Me actually attempting some Serious Journalism! Is this anything other than me asserting some sort of intellectual superiority over the rabble that as yet composes the world of online and print-format firearms journalists?

No. it is not.

Glock Speculation

Eventually, I'll have my new web page set up. Hole In Juan (dot org) - Taking the piss out of shooting.

Quoted: Heidi Fleiss is opening a male brothel in Pahrump.  Maybe you could work in a job interview while you're here, make a few bucks.  Might have to sleep with some ugly women to get that place to sleep, but hey, everyone makes sacrifices.

Ugly wimmin is betta than no wimmin!

Hey Ron, Only if youve been living in a cave for 5 years LOL.....

Steve HAS been living in a cave, metaphorically speaking.

Not just metaphorically! I moved out of that dank, freezing basement a year ago, if you'll remember. I was in it however, for almost five years!  Hoo-ah! Exclamation point! It's like I'm Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman over here!

I'm bumping my topic! With some new info. It appears that I'm going alone, both of my so-called amigos that said they wanted to go with me. So, I guess I have an extra pass.* Any of the North monkeys want to spend a weekend with me in a stinky Toyota pizzawagen on the long ride down I-95?

Also, I've launched a new website (soon to have its own domain) that I'll be using to do product review, sarcastic commentary and generally working to deflate the egos of all the jerks that take this hobby of ours way, way too seriously.

Also, frame-by-frame of the infamous Glock Fo-Tay video. It'll show up on the page by the time I get my domains sorted.

Here we go, folks: Hole In Juan, me actually trying to be a 'legitimate journalist.' Is it going to pan out?

*EDIT - Offer for the pass rescinded. The offer to drive down to Vegas with me and do a bunch of mushrooms and shoot at jackrabbits with my Norinco Kalashniclone while barreling down I-95 in the rickety old Ayatolla Corolla of Rock and Roll-A. Come on Beckett, GryphonX or Old Troop, where are you when I need you?

I don't get it, it works JUST FINE FOR ME. It works great in Texas, but not Las Vegas apparently. California is okay as is the U.K. but not Australia. What the hell is up with the DNS lately?

Try this one 199x.net/juanindex.htm

Quoted: Toyota pizzawagen on the long ride down  I-95?

You must be taking the scenic route since I-95 is on the east coast

Quoted: The offer to drive down to Vegas with me and do a bunch of mushrooms and shoot at jackrabbits with my Norinco Kalashniclone while barreling down I-95 in the rickety old Ayatolla Corolla of Rock and Roll-A. Come on Beckett, GryphonX or Old Troop, where are you when I need you?

I appreciate the offer, MeanSteve, but alas, I must decline.

.... 'why?' you ask? Why ever would I pass on the opportunity to attend the largest Firearms Product Convention on earth with one of my fellow Arfcommers (not to mention the chance to blast bunnies while rocketing down the road in an Ayotalla Carolla)?

I must refuse this gracious offer for none other than the # 1 Poor Excuse for not going this year to the 2006 Shot Show - (LINK) .............. I cannot afford it

My wife turns 30 this year, and she's having a really hard time with attaining her 3rd decade of life. As such, she has reserved the right to spend every extra cent we come across until April 13th. More specifically, she has explicitly revoked my spending priveleges so that we can save up for her birthday vacation.

I tell ya, boys. I'm beginning to plan my mid-life crisis, just so I can have an excuse to do whatever the hell I want, and spend however much I want on whatever I catch a fancy for

OK team. Now that this is about a week away, I'm hit with a conundrum, if you will.

What the heck am I going to do in Las Vegas for two days? I pretty much think the only thing I'm going to be able to afford to do is wander around and hawk slot machines and check ATMs for errant bills.

I don't really have the money to do any of the fun things like 'Get a hotel room' or 'waste money at Quark's Bar' seeing as how I can't get enough useless Star Trek bullshit (yeah folks, I'm one of those types), so I figure that I'll be doing a whole lot of wandering around and trying to get stuff for free.

So. What the heck am I going to do in Las Vegas? Wolfpack mentioned something about having an AR15 board dinner at some expensive fancy place, but that's on Saturday night, leaving me with two whole stupid days in which to kill. Sure, I'll probably spend a whole day covering the SHOT Show and making snide remarks, but come on folks. What the heck is there to do in Las Vegas?


Also: FUND IS STILL AT 25 BUCKS! Come on guys. Seriously. You're breakin' my balls here.

Yo MS,

I'm still trying to hook you up with a place to stay, Bro. But if I can't come up with a nice religious family for you to stay with, I guess I'll have to shack you up with a couple of stripper friends of mine, Angel and Nicole.

Oh man, that'd be just plain horrible and I'm certain that I'd hate every second of it.