I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.

No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you
have to

pay someone to look at you naked.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see
your rear end

without turning around.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on
the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

The next time you feel like complaining remember; your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been."