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Posted: 10/13/2004 10:23:41 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:34:42 AM EDT
Screaming friggin riot. Man that is rich. All that diatribe just to sell a brain bucket...
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:36:34 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/13/2004 10:37:15 AM EDT by fight4yourrights]

This Helmet is like brand new. I bought it for my wife, but it's to small for her big fat head.You know, it was all a big lie right from the beginning. I asked her if she liked bikes, (i've been riding since i was 9 years old.) She's like "Yeah, I love Motorcycles, they're great!" Now, i'm thinking to myself, this chicks cool, she's hot, has big boobs, and loves motorcycles. I gotta snag this one up quick.Little did i know that as soon as i gave her the engagement ring, all that would change. First, it was a subtle hint, you know, that the wedding's going to be expensive, and that that band costs just as much as my motorcycle. With all these wedding plans going on, i hardly have time to ride my bike. I'm schleping all over the state looking at reception halls, listening to cheesy wedding bands, and picking out floral arrangements. She brings up the fact that i havn't ridden my bike in a while now, (No kidding!! She won't let me out of her sight for more than 5 minutes!) and that maybe i should sell it. Now, that brings a whole lot of tension into the situation. I'm like no way! Then i notice that our sex life has reduced dramatically. A man has gotta do, what he's gotta do, so, i sell the bike, thinking that things will get better. She promises me, that as soon as we get married, she'll get a good job, and then i can get another bike. We get married, and we're having sex everyday. Life is good. The Evil One is looking for work for like, 6 months. I find it hard to believe that she can't find a damn job, but who am i to say? She's just holding out for that Management position she says. To be quite honest, i really don't care, she's cleaning my pipes better than Roto Rooter. Then the kicker...She tells me she's pregnant. All the while i thought she was on the pill! I ask her how this happened, and she said the pill gave her facial hair. (I really couldn't see a difference, after all she is Italian). Fast Foward 9 months...i'm out breaking my back doing manual labor, she's a big, fat, hairy lipped beach ball, with the disposition of a rabid Pit Bull. Nothing i say, or do is good enough for her. The day she gave birth, i thought again, that things will change for the better. WRONG!! Now everythings about the baby. Me, i'm second fiddle. Sex life? Ha! The only time i get some action is when i see her breast feeding the little bastard! I'm going crazy, at least if i had a motorcycle, i could take out some of my frustration. Even the guys at work notice how miserable i've been. One day, my partner rolls up on a brand new bike. I wanted to commit suicide. He knows how bad i wanted another bike. He see's the look in my eye, and asks me if i would like to take it out for a spin Friday night. It was truly the first time i lit up since marrying that bitch. Friday rolls around, i cash my check, and head on over to my partners house. I cruise around for a while, and end up at this little bar on the edge of town. I head up to the bar, place my helmet on it, and order a beer. I look over and see this little hottie chatting it up with her friends. I notice that the eye contact is getting more and more frequent. After a few more minutes, she walks over to me and tells me she just loves motorcycles. That they get her "excited". I ask her if she wants to go for a ride. Her beautifully full lips widen with a pearly white smile. I take that as a yes. I grab her by the hand, and lead her to the bike. She straps on the spare helmet that was on the bike, and away we go. We ride for hours. She taps me on the shoulder, and tells me her apartment is on the next block. Would i want to stop in for a while and have another beer. Who am i to say no? I watch her lead the way, and i can't keep my eyes off of her tight lil' behind. I think back to the days when old hippo ass looked like this. Well, once upstairs, one beer turned into two, and so on. The next thing i know, i'm in bed with her, and she was amazing! It was the best expierence i have ever had. Right then i had an epiphany. I had to be happy. I wasn't going to live a miserable existance for the rest of my life and something had to be done. Long story short, i left my hairy beast of a wife. (She's done good since i left. She remarried an Appliance salesman named Harold.) While i was moving out, i came across the helmet. I don't ever want to be reminded of my miserable past life, so please, make a bid. I have a motorcycle payment to make! The helmet has no scratches, size MED and i would rate it a 9 out of 10 Winning bidder to Pay with PAYPAL ONLY. Winning Bidder to pay all Shipping costs. I ship UPS ONLY. No Zero or Negative Feedback Bidders.

On Oct-12-04 at 15:24:25 PDT, seller added the following information:

Ok guys, First off, i gotta thank everyone for the great Emails. (Especially the Hotties sending me Topless pics. BTW, i never get tired of that!) I gotta get some things out here. ****** This is a no joke auction, so please, don't bid unless your gonna buy the helmet. I really need the money, and i don't think its fair to the people who really want to bid on this. Thnaks!***** Ok, some concerns have been brought up to me in a few of my emails. FIRST! Let me state that this helmet is not CURSED! I have brought in a Poltergeist to "cleanse" the Helmet. I assure you that their will be no left over "Bitch" residue in the helmet when the winning bidder recieves it.I also had the helmet INFRARED SCANNED for cooties, and it passed with flying colors. You have my word as a human being. I would never subject anyone to the hell i went through. SECOND! Many of you have asked for pics of the Ex. Come on now People! Do you REALLY expect me to have any pics of her. I damn near wanted to drink a gallon of Bleach just to clean my mouth out cause i remeber having to kiss her goodnight! If you need a visual, Halloween is coming soon. When the little grubby bastards come trick or treating with there scary masks, times it by 100, and you still won't be close to the UG-LEE-NESS of that Wildebeast. Again, it's been friggin' fun. Mikey Buell

Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:38:04 AM EDT
What a great story!
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:40:13 AM EDT
that man should be knighted...
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:41:19 AM EDT
LOL! I love those type of auctions...
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:42:36 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 10:46:15 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 11:21:51 AM EDT
the auction was taken down!
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 11:26:08 AM EDT
the item is now invalid. I guess Ebay is also humorless
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 11:33:14 AM EDT
Here's a similar one:


Description (revised)

I received this stupid pen on my birthday years ago from my ex-wife, and even before I divorced her flabby body, I hated the pen. I have no idea why she bought me this piece of crap. Sure, it writes fine and could "seem" kind of cool, but I hate it. The color is ugly, it barely fits in my banana sized hands, and it comes with some weird carrying case. King Kong could barely write with it. Every time I open up my drawer and see this waste of space, I am reminded that I used to be married to that skank who gave me a stupid pen for my birthday. It's not like I collect pens or anything, or even take time to write stuff down. I use a computer to write. OK, call me different, but even if I did like or use pens, this is not the one I would have spent money on. I have no idea how much she paid for it, but I can guarantee you it was my money she used to buy it. She could barely hold down a job, let alone cook for herself. This dismal lazy slug sat on the couch for entertainment and watched old movies all day. I think she held a job for like 38 minutes once. That was because they had lots of paperwork to fill out, and it took her that long before she got bored and left. We were married for about 3 years, before she decided to take more of my money to go buy beer for herself and her new "friend". She made up some lie telling me she was working downtown at this Starbucks store, which I knew was a lie since the customers would have to make the coffee themselves on her shift. So I drove by a bar where I knew she frequented, and saw her dumb face sitting on a stool with her "friend" Brad, some doofus she had introduced me to once a while before. They were sitting at the bar kissing, if you can call it that, and soon afterwards I was kissing off the marriage. She came home later that day and denied the entire thing, and when I told her I had driven by and seen her slobbering all over that hairless chihuahua at the bar, she still tried to deny it. I told her to pack her dog food and get out of my house. If I was in a right state of mind and not thinking about cancelling all our credit cards and getting her off my bank statement, I would have packed this stupid pen with all of her worthless crap when I did the final toss. How to lose 160 pounds of ugly weight quickly? Pack her crap in plastic trash bags and leave them on the curb.

My current wife, who is way more beautiful and way more cool that this pig could ever choose to be, hates the pen too. One of the coolest things about the whole divorce was I knew my attorney, because he was my neighbor's brother. He was also a big cigar smoker. When it came time to belly-up, I paid him with a cheap cigar humedor that I bought at a trade show for almost nothing. Forget those Divorce-in-a-Box deals, this was way cheaper.

So, please buy this pen. I just want rid of it, and any memories of red-headed elephants lying in my bed to just go away. I will even ship it for free, just to make sure it leaves my house and the state I live in forever. I have started the price out as low as eBay will allow me, so if it sells for that, I will be happy. Just don't use it as a weapon. Hey, why didn't I.....never mind. Jail time would not have been good for my frail body. I don't date males. Especially those I meet in the shower. Happy bidding!

I apologize for listing this in "fine writing instruments". If they had a category for "stuff given to you by ex-spouse that you could never ever possibly want in your house ever", I would have put it there. My apologies.

On Sep-08-04 at 12:51:28 PDT, seller added the following information:

Did I mention the time she burned down my microwave? She talked about going to Cooking School a few times, so being the nice hisband, I encouraged her to start cooking in the house. Her "flare" was mediocre at best, and choking down some of the meals was intolerable. One day I came home after an exhausting afternoon of travel and heavy traffic, to find a black cloud of smoke emitting from the kitchen. She, of course, was sitting in the living room watching the Eating Channel, not realizing the smoke filling the apartment. I went into the kitchen to find flames shooting inside the microwave. She was cooking a potato, and it was burning inside. I opened the door, and the plastic on the roof of the oven was on fire. I threw the potato out the window and put out the inferno. When I got the fork lift to bring her in and see what was happening, she told me she had tried to bake this potato and wanted it fully cooked, so she put it in for 16 minutes. Idiot. The charred remains of my microwave were put to rest in the alley, and another 200 bucks was shot. Needless to say, cooking school was history. I hate this pen.

On Sep-09-04 at 18:53:11 PDT, seller added the following information:

I have to tell you one more thing about the Ex. She was a tad younger than me, so she was still hanging out with her high school friends when we met. No, she wasn't still in High School, she just acted that way. So she had this friend, who I will call "Laura", because that was her name, who was very odd. This was her best friend in the whole world. Brainless as well, I might add. She wore dark makeup and black clothes always, and could have been Marilyn Manson for all I know. She had a boyfriend that was a complete psycho, who loved to have bonfires in his back yard, about 3 1/2 inches from his house, and got drunk and threw explosive spray cans into the fire to hear them blow up. Another Yale graduate. He was great with cars and engines though, so he was destined to go somewhere in life, like Jiffy Lube. He had fixed up an old truck for Laura and thought it would be cool to decorate it, shall I say, differently. So what does the braniac do? He stuffs her deceased cat's head, inserts some glass eyeballs in it, puts a bolt in the neck part, and mounts it to the gear shift in the truck. I kid you not. This was my ex's best friend. I should have stabbed that dead cat's head with this pen. What was I thinking? Walk away, slowly............ This pen brings up so many great memories. Bid bid bid, please.

On Sep-10-04 at 06:58:33 PDT, seller added the following information:

Other items of note: 1. She sold her Volvo to her boss, and regardless of my warnings, she left the license plates on. $700+ later, I was in court trying to keep MY license from being suspended. 2. After the split, she declared bankruptcy, but failed to remove my name from credit cards she had opened. I love dealing with credit agencies. 3. Bought me this fabulous pen. 4. Lost contact with 2 of her best friends, who now are very close friends of mine. 5. Bought herself "implants" of the chest variety AFTER we split. Could not have done this while we were together. One bonus item denied. 6. Gave me the carrying case for this gorgeous pen. 7. Gained immesurable weight and was spotted by a reporter at an Old Country Buffet "after hours". Front window had been eaten away.

Link Posted: 10/13/2004 11:50:59 AM EDT
These are great but the two greatest ebay auctions I've ever seen are the xray of a chick with an "adult novelty" toy stuck in the wrong end too far. The other...Brittany Spear's thong. Then there were the priceless air guitar auctions.

Great stories though!
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 11:57:14 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 7:16:15 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Rem700PSS:
These are great but the two greatest ebay auctions I've ever seen are the xray of a chick with an "adult novelty" toy stuck in the wrong end too far. The other...Brittany Spear's thong. Then there were the priceless air guitar auctions.

Great stories though!

I missed the zray one . I caught the dude with the teapot and the guy with guitar being naked.
Link Posted: 10/13/2004 8:55:12 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Yojimbo:
LOL! I love those type of auctions...

I think we have entered a new era....

...eBay auctions as an art form!
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