how long did it take you ladies to get into the swing of making the house look good and doing laundry and all that aaaaaaaaaaaaand take care of a  baby?? big dispute last night with hubby...he says i dont do enough...i say im just trying to adjust to it all...i admit, my parents didnt make me do much when i  lived with them (of course, i just moved out,im only 18)...so any opinions/ideas???

Wow!  My wife does a great job of taking care of the baby and keeping up with the house (I of course help out whenever I can), but even if she didn't... I would never have the balls to say anything.  If he complains tell him you are still a little tired of squeezing a baby the size of a watermelon out, but you will sure try and get right on top of his request.

Honestly, each mom handles it different. My biggest priority is to just  keep things uncluttered. Deep cleaning occurs for a different room on different days, a load of laundry every day, instead of trying to do it all on one day. Some of the moms from a different board I frequent use the flylady routine. fly lady
I have never used it, but I did sign up for it and it seems like it can really help.

I have never been a great housekeeper, and never will be.  If the place is relatively uncluttered, counters clean, and nothing sticks to your feet when you walk around, I think it's good enough.  However, I spend a large part of each day cooking, homeschooling my 4 year old, plus the baby, so I really do a lot.  My hubby has brought it up in the past (BTW, he is a total slob, and will admit it), and I have explained to him that other things take priority over dusting and such.  If he wants our children homeschooled by me and wants homecooked meals, he'll have to pitch in with housework and not expect it to be spotless.  There are only so many hours in each day.

Every situation is different - depending on the mom and the baby.  With my first 3, it was pretty easy. When the youngest was around two, I had to learn to let things go bit.  I figure there will be plenty of time for cleaning when they leave home.  Once you develop a routine for yourself and the baby, things will fall into place.  You learn to take advantage of nap times and when the baby is playing alone.

I do the best I can. With twins, that isn't saying much. I am finally starting to get into a routine but our house is far from spotless. The easiest thing is to try and clean a little while they are napping. Mind you, my twins are 16 months and I just manage to keep the floors and kitchen clean. Your little one is so young and needs so much attention from you right now. My husband has never commented on the housekeeping. The way he sees it is my kids are happy, healthy and thriving and some things are a little more important than a little dust on the cabinet. My husband also steps up to the plate. he works long hours but he will still sweep and straighten up the kitchen every night after he gets back from work. Shared responsibility is the best way to go. If he wants you to do housework then he needs to find a way to relieve you from baby duty for a few hours.

My husband was a stay at home dad when our first was first born, so he doesn't give me that lip.   And when he starts to, I remind him that I actually get a lot more accomplished than he did, and we have 2 kids now.  

I'm w/ cat on the prioritizing thing.  My hubby is a slob and does not help at all in the house (his only chores are taking out the trash and lawnmowing) since I'm in it alone, my goal is for the house to not be gross.  As long as we're only mildly offensive, I'm happy.  I do the homeschooling thing, and cooking thing too, and I have a small business, so it gets pretty crazy around here and we do occasionally suffer from CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).  But who cares.  If someone wants to visit me and my kids they are always welcome just drop by.  If they want to visit my house, they'll need to give me a two week notice that is subject to approval, and I'll be happy to have "the house" nice and neat for them.

If your baby is new, just take it one day at a time.  New babies are fed like once every 2 hours, so that eats up a lot of your day!  But if you think you can handle it, try adding one chore each day.  If you have your general routine under control, (wake up, fix breakfast, whatever...) now add one chore and try to get that done.  As you get the hang of it and baby is easier to manage you can add more.  Also, try writing down what you do in a day.  I'm sure you do a lot, and if it feels like you don't I'd bet a lot pops up and gets in the way of what you want to accomplish.  If you write it down, you'll have a response when he says you didn't do anything.

Hang in there lady!

Im a guy so you can take my advice for what is worth if you want ,i have a 4 year old son im a stay at home dad I clean ,cook,do laundry,take care of the yards raising my son and kicking my grandpa in law in the butt  trying to get him do his PT  ,he had a stroke last year .Wife works 3rd shift 7 days a week(right now) she likes it.My house is no where near spotless  it looks like the toy box exploded and there is an invasion of rescue heroes marching through the house ( ok i admit i play with the toys too) I clean when i can after getting hit by by some dumb (insert very bad word here)who ran a red light back in 87 and getting 3 pins in my hip plus the other injuries i got i do what i can  there is no trash laying around the house, toys is the other story but hay people like comming over here for some reason (think it is the toys) and if they don't how my house looks then don't look at it.Just do what you can and if he whines about it tell him his arms  aint broke he can clean too.

Establish a routine and do as much as you can without wearing yourself out. Period. You should still be resting your body as well, as your baby is still quite young.

When I had my first child I drove myself crazy trying to make sure the house was spotless and doing all the mommy things perfectly. The problem is, it will never happen! You will just end up stressing yourself and the baby out.

The first child is a HUGE adjustment for both you and your hubby, and you will have to communicate both of your needs to each other (maybe even write down a list of things to get accomplished and try to be realistic about it) and then compromise on something that is agreeable to both of you.

Having a routine established will make you proud of meeting your goals for the day (and if you don't, who cares), it will let you know how very much you do in one day (probably over half of which goes unnoticed...), and it may give you a sense of balance on what is expected of you and what you can truly accomplish comfortably.

The important thing is to be honest about your feelings about his expectations! Don't hold anything in or one day you may wig out .

Oh, I forgot to mention:

A house that has no one in it all day stays a lot cleaner than a house that has a warm body in it 24/7.  DO NOT COMPARE YOUR HOUSE WITH THE HOME OF A PERSON WHO HAS NO KIDS AND WORKS ALL DAY.

of course not! lol i am just  having  a hard time adjusting to things. hubby gives me a really hard time...but maybe most hubbys do it. lol  i just gotta  be tough

Plus you guys are newlyweds for heaven's sake, and young one's as well. That transition normally takes a couple 2-3 years to work the kinks (or kinkies for some ) out of in itself, but you guys also have a bonus (adorable) bouncing baby boy to care for.

Relax and take things one day at a time. Someday you will be looking back and wondering how life got so easy

Here's another guy's perspective:

When we work, and the woman stays home, there's a (usually) unrealistic expectation of what goes on. Funny thing is, it's sort of a short-term memory thing. Let me explain: If the guy finds himself in the role of being the caretaker for a few days for whatever reason, he quickly gains an appreciation for the fact that it's a pretty damn tough job. But.... , put him back to work in his regular job, and a couple of weeks later he'll be bitching about the house not looking good enough.

There's always a little give and take, but don't take it too seriously. Like SigZiggy said - you guys haven't been married for too long. Wait - I've been married for 12 years, and it still comes up. Doh!

Now I will throw one thing into the mix which may be somewhat controversial. Sometime last year, my wife read Dr. Laura's "The proper care and feeding of husbands" without me knowing about it, and implemented some of her suggestions. Little changes in attitude when I got home, that kind of thing. Made a BIG difference, and kind of diffuses things right off the bat and makes the husband forget about other less important issues. That, and we got a housekeeper once every couple of weeks.

must be nice having a housekeeper.  hubby says  its easy to take care of the house  when i am not here. but   when im not here, so is the baby..lol

Quoted: Hubby says  its easy to take care of the house  when i am not here. but   when im not here, neither is the baby..lol

Boy does that sound familiar. Yeah - I resemble that remark.  Zhukov --> <-- MrsZhukov

Good point! Here's an idea.

On a weekend...swap roles...you get up and get yourself ready for "pretend work", leave when he would normally leave and stay out as long as he normally stays out, with a similar amount of things for him to get done (laundry, dishes, etc) at home AND the baby to take care of.

Both Saturday AND Sunday. Pretend like you have his schedule and he has yours. (If you are breastfeeding, make sure to pump enough for the whole day)

I can 99% guarantee he won't be giving you a hard time about the housework ever again!

Quoted: Good point! Here's an idea. On a weekend...swap roles...you get up and get yourself ready for "pretend work", leave when he would normally leave and stay out as long as he normally stays out, with a similar amount of things for him to get done (laundry, dishes, etc) at home AND the baby to take care of. Both Saturday AND Sunday. Pretend like you have his schedule and he has yours. (If you are breastfeeding, make sure to pump enough for the whole day) I can 99% guarantee he won't be giving you a hard time about the housework ever again!

The problem I have with this is that hubby wouldn't bathe the kids, he'd feed them prepepared crap, and sit them in front of the TV.  This doesn't compare to the things that I do at all, so he still wouldn't get an idea what I really do.  I don't know about BRF, but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.  

Quoted: Quoted: Good point! Here's an idea. On a weekend...swap roles...you get up and get yourself ready for "pretend work", leave when he would normally leave and stay out as long as he normally stays out, with a similar amount of things for him to get done (laundry, dishes, etc) at home AND the baby to take care of. Both Saturday AND Sunday. Pretend like you have his schedule and he has yours. (If you are breastfeeding, make sure to pump enough for the whole day) I can 99% guarantee he won't be giving you a hard time about the housework ever again! The problem I have with this is that hubby wouldn't bathe the kids, he'd feed them prepepared crap, and sit them in front of the TV.  This doesn't compare to the things that I do at all, so he still wouldn't get an idea what I really do.  I don't know about BRF, but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.

Are you talking about the milkmen?

Quoted: Quoted: but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.   Are you talking about the milkmen?

I bet I know the image he's got stuck in his head................  

And it will probably haunt him for LIFE "bwahahaha!"

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.   Are you talking about the milkmen? I bet I know the image he's got stuck in his head................   And it will probably haunt him for LIFE "bwahahaha!"

You ladies have ruined me... I don't sleep anymore.

Wow,if hubby had said that to me,well lets see I think he would have been sleeping on the couch. First off it takes some time and getting into a routine. My response to him would have been that then he could help out and do more if he wanted things perfect. I am not the perfect housewife nor will I ever be. With my work schedule hubby helps out alot. We always made it a team effort. Still do. There is nothing that he won't do so that helps alot,be it dishes,laundry,vacuuming,he'll help. Just take things day by day, and don't expect to do everything all at once. Take advantage of when the baby is sleeping to get things done. If your hubby keeps up with it tell him to come here so we can enlighten him.

Quoted: of course not! lol i am just  having  a hard time adjusting to things. hubby gives me a really hard time...but maybe most hubbys do it. lol  i just gotta  be tough

This additude is usually among the guys who feel that staying at home with a baby is not 'work'.  They believe there is nothing to taking care of a child.   If your husband hasn't done so, suggest letting him take care of the baby and house alone for one day.  It is a lot more work than most people think.

As long as the house is fairly clean I would not worry about it.  It is more important to spend time with your son than to make sure your home is spotless.

My wife never has gotten the hang of it since the kids came along.  Neither of us are crazy about it, but its a fact that our house is more cluttered, and our laundry & dishes get done less often, with kids.  But the priority is the kids, so it's okay.

I pitch in with laundry, dishes, etc., but I'm doing kid stuff in the evenings as well, so the net result is less time to clean house.

Hang in there, MrsBRF.  I don't know MrBRF, but if he can understand the reasoning that the baby is the new priority over the clean house, and that you need help, he will hopefully be more understanding.

DrMark, dad & husband

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.   Are you talking about the milkmen? I bet I know the image he's got stuck in his head................   And it will probably haunt him for LIFE "bwahahaha!"

My work here is done....

Quoted: but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.

This is so true. I have to cart kids for visitation every Fri. & Sun. evening. I always leave the baby at home. Now he is almost 18 mths old, he is set in a schedule. 6pm is dinner. Period, end of story. I've had hubby call me on the cell, what time does he eat? What should I feed him? Now I am giving him credit here, he doesn't always call, but it really gets my goat when he does.  

A side note to Mrgungho, cause I know he'll see this. I love ya babe.

Quoted: Quoted: but most men aren't as likely to do all the things mom does with the kids.   This is so true. I have to cart kids for visitation every Fri. & Sun. evening. I always leave the baby at home. Now he is almost 18 mths old, he is set in a schedule. 6pm is dinner. Period, end of story. I've had hubby call me on the cell, what time does he eat? What should I feed him? Now I am giving him credit here, he doesn't always call, but it really gets my goat when he does.   A side note to Mrgungho, cause I know he'll see this. I love ya babe.

So true, so true. Hubby will sit them in front of the TV all day long and just keep popping in Baby Einstein videos to keep them happy. I do a bit more than that with them!

Mrs.BRF - Mr.BRF is young as well correct? It seems he has read too many threads in GD by the poo flingers. He just may need to readjust his view as to what a "woman's duty" is. Your little one is your #1 concern. That being said a good rule of thumb I was told about having twins is to be willing to forgive and forget anything that was said the first year. We had some nasty arguments. I figure same rule applies for singletons as well!

Quoted: of course not! lol i am just  having  a hard time adjusting to things. hubby gives me a really hard time...but maybe most hubbys do it. lol  i just gotta  be tough

Tell you what, if you want to shut him up fast.  The next time that he wants to cuddle after the baby is asleep, get up and go dust something.  Do that a few times and he will learn and shut up about the housekeeping.

Quoted: Quoted: of course not! lol i am just  having  a hard time adjusting to things. hubby gives me a really hard time...but maybe most hubbys do it. lol  i just gotta  be tough Tell you what, if you want to shut him up fast.  The next time that he wants to cuddle after the baby is asleep, get up and go dust something.  Do that a few times and he will learn and shut up about the housekeeping.

wont work! he would just  say "its about damn time!!"

Quoted: first you should understand he is the MAN of the house and KING of his castle. Know that he has had a hard day. Meet him at the door dressed in something revealing. Hand him a beer and welcome him to the couch. For even more extra credit make him a nice pie to go with the dinner you have prepared. As for the housework. You have plenty of time to post so dusting should not be a problem. j/k please don't hurt me

I was so ready to flame you good B_S then I seen j/k at the bottom... you may have saved yourself there.

Ok  you guys have me all wrong.  I  don't  expect a spotless  house.  I  would be happy if one room was cleaned every day.  We only have 4 rooms and if I had dinner cooked for me 3 nights a week.  I do alot around here and I take care of the kid also.  I do a damn good job of it too.  I am just wanting the house a little cleaner.  Some of that stuff only takes 15 min to straiten out and I would be happy.  

Quoted: Ok  you guys have me all wrong.  I  don't  expect a spotless  house.  I  would be happy if one room was cleaned every day.  We only have 4 rooms and if I had dinner cooked for me 3 nights a week.  I do alot around here and I take care of the kid also.  I do a damn good job of it too.  I am just wanting the house a little cleaner.  Some of that stuff only takes 15 min to straiten out and I would be happy.

now he is trying to  make me look bad...sorry i brought  up the subject and he found it. i do things, ladies can  back me up.  and im even  sick  and i begged him to take thekid...he wouldnt.  yet  i still  did laundry,  cleaned up,  cooked dinner, and took care of jacob  being sick.  oh well, i knowi am a wife and it is my job, iam not/was not complaining. i was just wondering how  long it takes to adjust....

This problem probably has less to do with the baby and more to do with your differences in styles of living. COMPROMISE!!!

The first tow years of marriage are the most difficult; having a child is another big adjustment for both of you.  You two are having to make the adjustments for both of these events at the same time.  This is going to take a lot of work and compromises from BOTH of you.  Just don't give up.

Quoted: Ok  you guys have me all wrong.  I  don't  expect a spotless  house.  I  would be happy if one room was cleaned every day.  We only have 4 rooms and if I had dinner cooked for me 3 nights a week.  I do alot around here and I take care of the kid also.  I do a damn good job of it too.  I am just wanting the house a little cleaner.  Some of that stuff only takes 15 min to straiten out and I would be happy.

The first year with a little one is the hardest. You have to remember, Mrs.BRF's body is still adjusting to all the changes - physical and hormonal. If you only have 4 rooms then how about you clean 2 and she clean 2? How about you cook dinner 3 nights a week as well and the 7th night you two treat yourselves to take out?  
I do not believe a *wives* job is to clean the house and serve her husband. If you want a housekeeper, get a housekeeper; if you want a wife and partner then treat her as such. Partner means you help out too. I am sure that you do, but I can not stress enough how much you both have to compromise the first year after your little one is born.
Also....if you fling poo that's your job to clean up.

Quoted: give her the womens forum as a place to vent without worrying about "getting caught". Everyone needs to talk trash once and awhile.

She showed me this post

Quoted: The first year with a little one is the hardest. You have to remember, Mrs.BRF's body is still adjusting to all the changes - physical and hormonal If you only have 4 rooms then how about you clean 2 and she clean 2? I clean them all.  Second of all I work a full time job and go to school.   How about you cook dinner 3 nights a week as well and the 7th night you two treat yourselves to take out?   I cook more than 3 times a week.  And I would take us out if everything else was done. Also....if you fling poo that's your job to clean up.

Really you should get both sides of the story before you give out advice.  Really before posting a response you should know your only hearing what she said.  

Quoted: Quoted: The first year with a little one is the hardest. You have to remember, Mrs.BRF's body is still adjusting to all the changes - physical and hormonal If you only have 4 rooms then how about you clean 2 and she clean 2? I clean them all.  Second of all I work a full time job and go to school.   How about you cook dinner 3 nights a week as well and the 7th night you two treat yourselves to take out?   I cook more than 3 times a week.  And I would take us out if everything else was done. Also....if you fling poo that's your job to clean up. Really you should get both sides of the story before you give out advice.  Really before posting a response you should know your only hearing what she said.

Hey. Reread my advice. I was saying 50/50. If she isn't doing her 50 then why are you getting irritated with me? I'm not married to you mister, I did not give birth to your children. You have not earned the right to be snippity with me.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: The first year with a little one is the hardest. You have to remember, Mrs.BRF's body is still adjusting to all the changes - physical and hormonal If you only have 4 rooms then how about you clean 2 and she clean 2? I clean them all.  Second of all I work a full time job and go to school.   How about you cook dinner 3 nights a week as well and the 7th night you two treat yourselves to take out?   I cook more than 3 times a week.  And I would take us out if everything else was done. Also....if you fling poo that's your job to clean up. Really you should get both sides of the story before you give out advice.  Really before posting a response you should know your only hearing what she said.   Hey. Reread my advice. I was saying 50/50. If she isn't doing her 50 then why are you getting irritated with me? I'm not married to you mister, I did not give birth to your children. You have not earned the right to be snippity with me.

You go girl!

Actually, she came to us for some advice, and we did the best we could with the information that we had offered to us. None of us are taking sides, just trying to offer some suggestions.

SigZiggy's words of wisdom...
the most important 3 C's of a lasting marriage are not Color, Cut and Clarity...but Communication, Compassion, Compromise ...

Quoted: Quoted: The first year with a little one is the hardest. You have to remember, Mrs.BRF's body is still adjusting to all the changes - physical and hormonal If you only have 4 rooms then how about you clean 2 and she clean 2? I clean them all.  Second of all I work a full time job and go to school.   How about you cook dinner 3 nights a week as well and the 7th night you two treat yourselves to take out?   I cook more than 3 times a week.  And I would take us out if everything else was done. Also....if you fling poo that's your job to clean up. Really you should get both sides of the story before you give out advice.  Really before posting a response you should know your only hearing what she said.

Okay, I see where you are coming from now.  Try to understand that it is very very hard to adjust to your first baby, particularly when you are young and have no experience actually running a household.  Trust me, I have been there.  Like I said, I am not a great housekeeper, but I am a lot better than I used to be, but that has come from a lot of practice and learning to balance things.  The house was complete chaos for several months after my oldest was born, before I learned to do things one handed.    Don't stress it for now.  It will all come together in time, but pressuring her may make things worse in the meantime.  I know that it is frustrating, trust me, it is frustrating from the other perspective as well.  Just relax, give each other a hug, and admire that beautiful little person the 2 of you created.  It gets easier, I promise.   Before you even realize what hit you, that baby will be half grown.  The dishes can wait a little longer.  

MrsBRF, the thing you'll have to learn to do is to multi task.  
~When you hop out of the shower, grab the toilet brush and swish it around the bowl a few times.  After you dry your hair, use the damp towel to wipe off the counter if it needs it.  
~Rearrange the entire house if you need to in order to make the housework more convenient.  
~Don't be afraid to keep the trash can in the living room if that is where it is often needed.  If someone drops in, you'd rather they think that your funiture placement is odd than that you are a total slob.  
~Put the changing station in the room you use the most to save yourself some steps (and valuable time).  
~If you hate to dust (as I do), pack up all the knickknacks and store them away.  Get rid of clutter.
~Get rid of the coffee table, the baby will fall and hurt himself on it, and it is just another surface to collect junk.  
~Put the baby swing or bouncy seat in the kitchen so he can see you and you can entertain him while you do stuff in there.    
~Invest in some of those big plastic rubbermaid bins that cost about $4 at Wal-Mart, and then toss stuff in there if you don't know where else to put it.  If company drops by, put the lid on it to hide the junk.  
~Curtains collect dust and mildew, and the baby will pull them all down.  Take them down until you get a routine.  
~Get in the habit of rinsing your dishes and at least putting them in the sink (better yet, the dishwasher) as soon as you are done.  
~Keep the broom propped against a wall in a convenient place so you can grab it and sweep whenever you need to in a few seconds.
~Keep the vaccuum plugged up and sitting in the living room so it is easy.
~Get some cheap dishtowels from Wal-Mart (they are usually 6 for $2), and keep them laying around in various spots for spills, then toss them straight into a nearby basket or the washing machine.  

I hope some of this can be of use.  This is a very awkward time for both of you, so just try to relax and cut each other some slack.

Best of luck to you!

Wow, I could have written your post years ago....

Gave birth 9 months after we were married. The adjustment to marriage and pregnancy was a CHALLENGE to put it gently.  Then CHAOS and mild postpartum depression (undiagnosed) sort of fed on each other. DH was working 12 hr days, etc.

Check out Yahoo groups for "Chore a Day". Very helpful.

Establishing a routine (and not becoming a robot!): www.flylady.com may help you. Sure helped me.

Please Read the site thoroughly. BTW I don't care for her writing style, but the basic info on cleaning, decluttering etc is priceless. And the "Zones"!  Take what you need from the site, leave the rest. (EX: The Control Jounal did not work for me; I'd rather do everything on line. But I do have an address book with emergency numbers etc).

There is a flylady mail list with task reminders, try it!  If there are too many messages, go on digest. Just jump right in.  15 min at a time.

The best part for me: using a timer to only work in 15 min. increments, and giving myself permission to NOT keep 'stuff" I might use "someday".   (Other than our  real preparedness/survival stuff, that is sacrosanct! Not junk.). I mean not keeping old t shirts for dust cloths, clutter like crap under the kitchen sink,  or 'gifts' that I never liked. Bless someone else with it--donate or trash :)

HTH,

Gwen

Quoted: Hey. Reread my advice. I was saying 50/50. If she isn't doing her 50 then why are you getting irritated with me? I'm not married to you mister, I did not give birth to your children. You have not earned the right to be snippity with me.

I wasn't getting irritated with you.  Sorry if it seemed that way.  But if I came in here and said my wife was lazy as shit and did nothing the responses would have been different.  You people would have to know the situation more is all I am saying.

Quoted: Quoted: Hey. Reread my advice. I was saying 50/50. If she isn't doing her 50 then why are you getting irritated with me? I'm not married to you mister, I did not give birth to your children. You have not earned the right to be snippity with me. I wasn't getting irritated with you.  Sorry if it seemed that way.  But if I came in here and said my wife was lazy as shit and did nothing the responses would have been different.  You people would have to know the situation more is all I am saying.

Since none of us do know the entire situation, we responded the way we seen fit.
I think the fact that Mrs BRF asked for advice shows she is willing to "learn" how to manage a home, family etc.  It is going to take time and patience though, on both sides. Please don't read into this that you haven't already been patient,  I don't know. She is asking for help, and this to me is a sign she wants to try.

Quoted: Since none of us do know the entire situation, we responded the way we seen fit. I think the fact that Mrs BRF asked for advice shows she is willing to "learn" how to manage a home, family etc.  It is going to take time and patience though, on both sides. Please don't read into this that you haven't already been patient,  I don't know. She is asking for help, and this to me is a sign she wants to try.

i have refrained from answering until now because i havent had to manage a home and a child together  

but, BRF, this is the truth--she came to us--we answered--she wants to do better--please be patient and let us help her--it will not be an overnight miracle transformation--it will be the two of you learning how it works--TOGETHER