Posted: 2/19/2001 6:09:20 AM EDT
This is really funny. Even if you have seen it before, I'm sure it will still make you laugh when you read it again.
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:
Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said,
"This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass",
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice say, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just
calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out
of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling; "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down
the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's you name, pal?"
said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick calls to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
That's just sick and twisted
[size=6][red]I like it!!![/red][/size=6]
Has everybody read this?
MAN THAT ROCKS! HELL YEAH!
I have seen this post before, and even reading it a second time makes me howl!!
I had a manager in the department where I worked who gave me more grief than anyone should dump on another. Though I didn't get quite as creative as Sancho, I decided some form of inconvenience was in order for this tyranical woman.
I printed up flyers for a party. It siad something to this effect : INSANE PARTY THIS SATURADY NIGHT!!! Free booze and food, open to the public, bring all your hardcore party animal friends, the wierder and wilder the better!! Black Sabbath cover band starts around midnight!! Female NUDE mud-wrestling!! Party lasts ALL night!! Breakfast served at 6am, for those that last that long! Lawn parking for Harleys ONLY.
I then pasted this flyer in every seedy, crappy degenerate drinking hole in a 30 mile radius on the Friday before.
I sat at the end of the block starting at 11:30pm, and watched the biggest parade of outlaws and freaks roll in for the next hour(I only stayed an hour, who knows what the rest of the night was like). The best part was when a group of 12 guys on Harleys roared down this suburban street, and pulled up on my managers lawn, dismounted and wouldn't leave! Quite a fuss occured.
Again, as far as settling a score, not the worlds best trick, but it seemed to have the desired effect, and that's all I really wanted. I lil' satisfaction.
Simply excellent! Great Stuff indeed
Thanks for sharing.
well, you can forget me doing any programming this morning. those two storys really made my day. of course the 3 others her in my cube wondered what i was laughing about. almost blew breakfast!!
great ideas too!!
too damn funny~!
Damn, M4, mine was just an e-mail I repeated!