[ARCHIVED THREAD] - . (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 7/29/2006 3:27:09 PM EDT
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<---Not a woman. Marry someone else? Find a lesbian girlfriend? Get a big dog to keep in the yard? That whole lawyer thing might help, but it can be expensive. |
Sounds as if you know how -- just gain the back bone needed and do it. Keep reminding yourself "Do I want my daughter marrying some one like him?" If your answer is NO be strong. *ETA* Pray, pray hard and don't stop praying. I'll pray with you.  |
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In my state it's legal to record conversations without the knowledge or consent of the other person. I'd bet that a few dozen recorded conversations where he tries to get back with you and you continually refusing him won't look so favorably to a judge. Even if you just said "listen fucker, I've been recording you bothering me for the past (fill in the blank time) and stop it now or this will end up in court. The only good thing that ever came out of a night with you are the kids, and I'll be seeing a lot of them soon enough. I don't need you anymore. |
Get hooked up with a domestic violence counselor. I'm not saying you're being physically abused but the mind games are the same and they'd probably have some sound advice on how to deal with him in the future. Also, document, document, document. He brings over a bottle of your favorite stuff? Make sure that bottle, unopened, shows up at your next hearing. Record his oh-so-smooth words enticing you to drink up. You know he's the Devil, now all you have to do is prove it to the judge and half your battle is over. |
Don't put yourself down. I have a book called Boundaries that I could send to you if you'd think you'd read it. Patty |
You drank a gallon of Southern Comfort and you're only going to AA because the judge told you so? Tell me this... are you an alcoholic? Not what anyone else has told you but what YOU think. Did you also say that you just got drunk again? Do you have a sponsor? If you're going to AA only because someone told you to and not because you want to change because you genuinely see how you drinking has destroyed your life then you are not going to be successful in any area of your life. Start with yourself. Get YOUR shit together. THEN worry about everyone else in the world. As for your children? See then when you have visitation for now. When you can't see them go to AA, get a sponsor and REALLY work the steps. You need to be a whole person for yourself and for your kids. It's very simple as far as your ex is concerned. Set boundaries on what is and isn't appropriate conversation and stick to them. If he strays beyond what concerns the kids calmly tell him that you don't want to discuss anything outside of the welfare of the kids. Then if he won't stop politely say goodbye. If these other guys call or stop by YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE OR TALK TO THEM. Listen, attention to someone who likes you is like pellets to a rat. If you give them any they will keep coming back trying to figure out how to get more. I think the bigger issue is your drinking. You being drunk is what got you in this mess and contributed to you losing custody of your kids. Consider that and fix THAT problem first. The other stuff isn't as big of a deal so much as a distraction from that elephant in the room. (For a little background my boyfriend is an alcoholic and he is working the steps. He realizes now that he can't fix anything else in the world until he fixes himself. It is HARD. If you are a regular drinker you might want to detox in a hospital as it can be very dangerous. Good luck!) |
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The secret to bitchitude is to be coldly blank inside. Not angry. Blank. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If you give anger to any guy with whom you want no interaction, you have still given him 'something': Emotion. They get off on it. Give them nothing. Some undesirable shows up? Don't give him "Git off my freakin porch now, m--f--er!" That gives a certain thrill to them. Kind of sigh and "Oh, it's you. You have to leave. That's it, that's all. Just leave." Shut (not slam) the door. Like he's a pesky dog. Like you're bored with him and his antics. Bored. NOT angry. BORED. Anger indicates "caring" on a certain level. Give them NOTHING in the way of emotion. |
Wow, just wow. I know how much maritial problems can mess with you, and for that I feel your pain. But right now, you need to think what's best for your kids. I know as you being their mother there is nothing more than you want is to have your kids with you, but is that what is best for your kids "right now"? If you have no money/car/drinking problem/ etc. etc. is it best to add 4 kids into the mix right now. It sounds to me that you need to get yourself squared away, and then look at getting the kids back. I know how much pain/emotional distress a divorce can bring. Your going to need time to repair emotinally. Agh, I wish humans did't have emotions. I know exactly where your coming from.  I wish you luck, and am praying for you. Just hold your head up high, and get yourself on track. Say to yourself, I'm gonna show that fucker that HE messed up. How are you going to do that. By living well for yourself & with your kids.
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for you|
I don't think you so much need to be a bitch, as to learn to be assertive (of course, a lot of men view assertive women as bitches, but it's not the same thing). The guys who bug you, ignore. They don't have a place on your list of priorities. I know that it probably stresses you, but let it go, it's not important. The only thing that's important is the children. I don't know if I read it right, because chemo makes me a little blurry, but you're in AA? Keep on keepin' on, because if the judge sees you making the effort, it will stand in your favor. About the ex... I know it sucks. Trust me, I know... But as someone very wise told me when I was going through Hell with my ex about the kids, sometimes you have to play the game in order to get what you want. It might entail taking a certain amount of shit, but you have to recognise that it just doesn't matter. All that matters is that your kids are okay and if it's your intention, getting them back and doing whatever it takes to make that happen. Try to stay focused on the end result. Your ex is playing games, it's a mind-fuck, he's using the kids to manipulate you (BTDT), recognise it for what it is, mentally give him the finger and spend time with your kids knowing that one day this will all be nothing but a memory. It doesn't mean he's winning even though he might think it, but it ain't over until it's over and even though it seems like shit right now, with enough motivation you CAN get back to a place where you don't have to take it any more. He's playing his game, you play yours. Good luck. As an aside, is there any way you can do your online course at the library? I know how much it must hurt not to have your kids with you, I understand... my kids are the sun, the moon and the stars to me, the thought of losing them paralyses me. But if there are internet facilities at your local library, you could use this time to make a move to getting back on your feet. I mean, you're getting online to post here from somewhere, right? There are other options, sometimes you just have to dig for them. And you DO have people to talk to, you're not alone... we're here. |
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I think you need to slow down and get your act together. Don't look at what the courts are doing, your ex is doing, the guys from AA are doing and anyone else that you're associated with as a ploy to influence you and how you live your life. You need to decide right now how you want to live. What your priorities are. From what I read in this bits and peices it truly appears you're out of control. If you think this is difficult on you, just imagine what your kids are going through. Your first priority needs to be them. Not school, not Coondog, not AA, not anyone else. Where are your kids? Who has them? Patty |
This is my thoughts exactly. You need to pull yourself together not only for you, but your children. Let go of trying to figure out ways to be a bitch to your ex. It's petty and childish, and it's not going to do anything but make you look worse. Concentrate on bettering yourself. Your home computer isn't the only one in the world. Go check out the local library and see what needs to happen for you to use their computers for your schooling. Get out of the pity party and make the changes you need in order to have a better life. It's going to be a hard road, but you'll be a much better person at the end of it. I really think the first thing you need to do is let go of the anger and bitterness. It's not doing anything but fueling your depression, and it's eating away at you. There's nothing you can do about the past, but only YOU can change your future. We're here for you.
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Very well said. We are here for you. Patty |
| I agree with the other ladies. Your main focus right now should be taking care of the "problem" that you have with alcohol so you CAN get your kids back. Better your life so you can be a prime example for your children. If the courts see that you are making an honest effort to better your life for you and your children, more than likely they will be able to come back to you. If they see that you are "hitting the bottle" when you are going through stressful situations that is a surefire way to not ever get the kids back. As far as education goes, where there is a will there is a way. I wish you the best and hope all goes well for you and your children. Hang in there! |
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Bitchitude isn't what you're really aspiring to. "Stand up womanhood" aka "command presence" is what you need to get ingrained in the way you carry yourself. Nothing "bitchy" about it. Just being in charge of your situation. It's a way of being able to lay down the law, not because you say something is going to be one way or another, but because that's the way it's gonna be. Period. Example: Creep says: "Hey, babe, I could go for you." Response: "That's not going to happen. Now you best be on your way." NOT because 'you are rejecting him', but because it is NOT going to happen (YOU are in charge of that) and because it really IS necessary for him to leave your vicinity. The thing is to keep emotion and anything 'personal' out of it. Just laying things out the way they are. And nothing in the least unladylike about it. Iron fist in a velvet glove. Sounds like you are getting a ton of good advice from the other gals in this thread and i hope you continue to take it to heart {{{hugs}}} |
Do you have a sponsor? It sounds like you may resent going.... do you genuinely want to stop drinking or are you going simply because the court's ordered you? You said you drank again yesterday. What steps are you taking to prevent that from happening again? Do you have a good support network in AA? Do you talk to other's who have worked the steps on a daily basis? Alcoholism is rampant in my family..... so really it's no wonder that I ended up with someone with a drinking problem. :: wry grin :: The only reason I'm staying is that he acknowledges he has a problem and is genuinely working on it. Point being... I know what it's like to grow up around alcoholics. I know what it's like to see the people in your life who are supposed to protect you completely lose their grip on reality and scare the bejezus out of you. DRINKING IS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM RIGHT NOW. If you don't genuinely try to get help and work on yourself you will never resolve the other issues in your life.  I wish you luck. Again, it is HARD. I hope you have a copy of the big book. I hope you have a sponsor. I hope you find other women or men whom you genuinely can lean on for support. WORK THE STEPS. |
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My ex husband is an alcoholic. He never saw how his drinking caused a problem, only how everyone associated around him had a problem with his drinking. I could never understand or see how he couldn't see the problem but it was a vicious circle. I would tell him 'listen, just do not drink for two weeks and see how everyone around you reacts.' He would say "Why won't everyone ignore my drinking for two weeks and see how easy it is?" Anyway, long story short - its a small sacrifice to give up drinking for your kids. If that's what you need to do, do it. Don't lose your family over it. Think too how much money you'll save. |
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I love it how the other people on here give you the advice I was going to before I got around to it. You May remember me being rather harsh to you last time you needed something....well here it comes again. Stand up and look down...you see those two feet? Now look behind you ..ya see that rear end. That's all you got- sweet heart- two feet to take YOU where you need to go and just that back end to back it up. You are a living breathing smart individual who forgot what she is. You ain't mommy or sex toy or drunk...you are just you. If you can hold onto you and leave all the other shit alone, then all the other shit will work out. I don't mean LOVE yourself or Pamper your inner woman. LOOK DOWN-- do those feet care what the rest of you want? Nope, their job is just to get your ass out of trouble that Your head has put it in. Be you, sober, smart. ALONE. You know the rest of us will help out in anyway we can. Don't screw up the one thing you have absolute control over. There will never be another you so don't screw this one up. Everyday get up and take care of yourself because WE expect you to. Don'yt be a bitch, don't be a pushover...let your wonderful feet do all the hard work. It is hard to drink if the bottle is somewhere that your feet won't take you to. It is hard to be taken advantage of when your feet are walking you down the street and away. Let you feet run your ass for a change...it is obvious that the head isn't doing real well. |
Well by reading your note, sounds like you have step one down, Hatred of the fart basically the rest is simple: #1 Put your self interests ahead of all else and only do things for yourself. #2 Show a complete lack of interest in others #3 Get your hair and nails done at least once per week #4 Repeat items 1 & 2 ad nausem That should pretty much do it as being a Bitch. |
Txwx - since you have kids with the guy you'll always have to deal with him in some form or fashion. My advice about being a b#tch in this situation is to be a COLD b#tch.... The less emotional content the better. Polite and even cordial is good, just make sure there is no emotional content. My guess is that after a bit of this he'll try to get an emotinal response by angering you. Anger is a strong emotion and shows significant connection. You'll have to tolerate it without responding with emotion. If you give him no handle to grab, his attempts just slide off. Beyond that, be careful of physical attempts on his part to affect you. Edited -  I just read more of the thread. Its not the time for jocularity. Others have given good advice. More specifically, good advice about the emotinal content you apply to your ex. You have an "interesting" life with a fair amount of work to do. The good news is you're already through most of the hard parts. As others have said, document the crap this ex of yours is pulling. I don't think those in the court system (lawyers, judges, etc.) think highly of an ex-husband pushing booze and wanting sex from his ex-wife. Your best friend in this whole thing is yourself and consistent, visibly rational behavior. Your worst enemy in this whole thing is yourself when you are irrational and/or drinking. Save any irrational stuff for your own private time. Since drinking was involved in getting yourself into this pickle, cut out all drinking for the forseeable future. Consider yourself a complete non-drinker. Iced tea & soft drinks is it! "No thank you, I don't drink". Do your best to simplify this interesting life of yours. College course-work is good, though it's still difficult even in good times. A break may be a good idea (your call). You may wish to concentrate on the issues with your kids, and time spent with them. Yes, you'll have to deal with your ex. That won't change, so you may want to get good at it. |
+1 gabby has a talent for bieng mean with a quick wit....... but sarcasm, making fun ofhim and saying no will make him get the point....if that doesn't work, tell the new guy to get a ski mask and a garden hose full of sand and..... |
 Sarcasm could trigger vicious and dangerous action. And anger is an intense emotion. The idea is to take emotion out of the equation. Treat these guys like they are very manageable, and more boring and tedious than anything; Totally unworthy of the wit it would take to make up anything sarcastic. |
Man, I love this guy. |
I'm not the stalker type, so I have no actual experience in this, but I think that what P4F is saying would definately work. Nobody would stay someplace where they simply don't matter. |
You are telling us that you live in Texas, and don't know how to be a bitch?  --edited part-- Sorry if the levity was hurtful. I hadn't read the rest of the thread. Hope that instead of hurting, or pissing you off, it brought a moment of hilarity to your day. See my next post. And hey, when are you gonna post some weather photos??? 
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Beautifully put. Years ago I was dealing with a wacko co-worker. A good friend sat me down and explained things about this guy that rang perfectly true. Summing up the story, he said, "It DOESN'T MATTER what reaction he gets from you. ANY REACTION WILL DO!" It sounds like this is what your ex is doing to you. It is about POWER, and CONTROL. If he can CONTROL you in ANY way, he' s won the game! And "logic" and "reason" don't matter. If you try to tell him he's not being reasonable, he's won the game... he's just gotten a reaction from you. You need the support of others who have gone/are going thru this. Find a group. |
Glad to hear you are doing better! SOOO glad you did well on your exams! AND... by "coming home," do you mean on a permanent basis??? (fingers crossed). BTW,what 'weather theory?' I have one of my own, concerning why tornadoes form in one t-storm but not another identical storm... i'll show you mine if you show me yours!!! 
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Likewise glad you're feeling better But I couldn't help but notice that you're still giving him emotion. Show him he really means nothing to you by giving him nothing. Not time, not energy, not thought (even if you do think about him, don't give any indication of it). Don't give him something he can laugh over with his drinking buddies "Hey, my ex told me my existence p-sses her off. Guess she still loves me. She was always cute when she's mad ha ha ha." He's slightly less important than a hangnail. Just one of those unpleasant things in life one has to deal with occassionally. Quit letting him live rent-free in your brain. Give him n-o-t-h-i-n-g.  [here's to you and your new beau -- that's apple juice in the mugs, by the way] |