What if Star Wars was a Blaxploitation flick?

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - What if Star Wars was a Blaxploitation flick?

Posted: 10/29/2006 9:25:49 PM EDT

I remember reading this in high school and, since the 'net never forgets, I googled it up.

What if Star Wars was turned into a pimped out Movie?

Well, we figured many great movies out there were the "pimped-out" ones, such as Shaft, Dolemite, Disco Godfather, Black Belt Jones, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, and Petey Wheatstraw. So, what would be a good movie to turn into a pimped out movie? Why, Star Wars, of course.

Here are a list of changes that would have to be made, to make Star Wars the truly great trilogy it was meant to be:

The Millennium Falcon has hydraulics, and gold plated landing gear. It also has huge, 500w subs mounted by the cannons.

The chess table is replaced by the craps table.

At the Cantina, Han Solo and Chewbacca are drinking 40's of Old-English 800.

Han Solo doesn't shoot Greedo under the table, he drops the sucka execution style.

C3-P0 is a completely soul-less, rhythmless English white guy.

Artoo is a short Hispanic man with Turret's syndrome (he's always wise-cracking at 3P0).

Princess Leia has hair extensions and bamboo earrings.

The Rebel Alliance is the Black Panthers.

The Emperor becomes The Man.

Light sabers are completely replaced by kung-fu fighting.

Lando is exactly the same, just carrying a 16oz can of Colt 45. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

The Force would be some pharmacological substance which can be grown in your backyard.

Obi Wan is a Dead-Head who goes around trying to give the Force away for free.

Blasters are replaced with 9's.

The Ewoks are the gangs from China Town, carrying switchblades.

Vader's a crack dealer (Dark Side of the Force).

Jabba's place is a disco. Jabba remains the same.

Boba-Fett is a Sicilian hitman named Guido ("And I want them alive. Nooooooo cement shoes").

Han's known only as "1 bad mutha".

Uncle Owen is the equivalent of the father on the Wayan's Brothers.
He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he needs him at he local convenience store.

The Jawas are replaced by the local fences. (Say my man, you want a watch?).

Sand People are replaced by drunken hillbilly rednecks (They're easily startled, but they'll soon be back). Banthas become monster trucks with gun racks, mud flaps, and 4000 watts of flood lights on the roll bars.

The Gammorean guard would be replaced by huge black guys named Tiny.

The stormtroopers (i.e., the cops) would be paid off with a bag of the Force ("these aren't the droids you're looking for..." "move along...")

Yoda's all shriveled, short, and green because he's been holding in the same hit for a looooong time ("When 900 years you reach, look so good, you will not, hmmmmm?")

The best Force is found on Dagobah.

The entire soundtrack is redone by George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic.

X-Wings are replaced by low-riders.

Bespin is a huge whippet manufacturing plant, busted by the Man.

Chewie is some huge Cuban (hence the accent) guy named Jesus. ("Cubans have been known to rip people's arms off when they lose.").

Donna Summer is singing at Jabba's Disco (Jabba remains the same).

Luke is the ultimate player Mac Daddy. He pimps his own sister to his best friend.

Luke's so bad, he's on the chronic: hence he's wearing all black when he enters Jabba's place (Jabba remains the same).

Hoth is casually known as a 'place where a homey can lay low'. It's consequently busted by The Man when the huge ice formations are in fact determined to be the biggest crack-rock in existence.

Y-wings are replaced with big-ass Pink '73 Cadillac Eldorados with leopard skin interiors.

Squad cars replace TIE fighters.

Scene Changes:

Uncle Owen: "We talked about this before. I need you here at the Qwiki-Mart behind the counter."
Luke: "But, G, I just wanna chill with the homies!"
Uncle Owen: "But closing time's when I need you the most."

Leia: "You're not actually going into the projects are you?"
Han: "Shut up bee-otch. They'd be crazy to follow us wouldn't they?"

Luke: "Yo, Artoo, get this door open for me."
Artoo: "Ok, esse!"

(scene at Mos Eisley where Luke is accosted and Obi Wan saves his ass)
(Luke is tapped on shoulder by a hand with many big gold rings)
Guy: "Eh yo, man, my homie ain't down wich u."
(Luke turns away and is tapped again)
Guy: "Eh yo man! I ain't down wich u neithuh!"
Guy: "Ya'll just watch yo sorry ass. We all's wanted muthas. I gots post office posters in more hoods 'n i got gold chains"
Luke: "Yo man, it's cool, i be cool.."
Guy: "YO ASS'LL BE CAPPED SUCKAH!!"
(at this point Kenobi steps in)
Kenobi: "Now ya'll chiiill man. . .let's be cool, i got 40s for everyone"
(Guy attacks Luke. In that one instance, Kenobi pulls out some Force, lights it, takes a few hits, whips his AK out and wastes the lot of em, all faster than anyone could have followed)

Posted: 10/29/2006 9:30:07 PM EDT

[#1]

Posted: 10/29/2006 9:30:48 PM EDT

[#2]

Quoted:

Well, shit. I thought it was funny when I was 17. Oh well...

Posted: 10/29/2006 9:34:59 PM EDT

[#3]

Quoted:

agreed.

Posted: 10/29/2006 9:48:30 PM EDT

[#4]

don't let 'em get you down. i thought it was solid gold.

Posted: 10/29/2006 9:55:04 PM EDT

[#5]

Posted: 10/30/2006 6:25:41 AM EDT

[#6]

I thought Leia would have a giant 'fro, trimmed to the "bun" style.

Posted: 10/30/2006 6:26:34 AM EDT

[#7]

Crap... someone stole my idea....

Posted: 10/30/2006 6:39:00 AM EDT

[#8]

Hint: writing it isn't funny.

Actually DOING it would be fucking hilarious.

Posted: 10/30/2006 6:50:56 AM EDT

[#9]

I would rather see the porn "Star Whores: The Phantom Anus"

Posted: 10/30/2006 6:52:39 AM EDT

[#10]

coc

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - What if Star Wars was a Blaxploitation flick?

General » General Discussion

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