Posted: 12/21/2003 9:16:02 AM EDT
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $ 600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore~ you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore do
not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 holidays a year. They are called Saturday &
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Too, much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3-mlnute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture
will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
Company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation, and input should directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
We have the same employer? [lol]
You must work for my wifes employer!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.