[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Tools Explained (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 12/6/2009 7:21:04 AM EDT
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Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!" CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable cuts, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. Versatile, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Alternate use ( with beer ) making high explosive sound out of balloons, trash bags, and Styrofoam cups. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple and bend the surrounding metal on an expensive project. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts - adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for removing blood from your fingers. SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. METRIC TOOLS: Are designed to double the number of sockets and wrenches in your tool box. SAE TOOLS: Are designed to round off bolt heads on metric fasteners. CHAIN SAW: A powerful inspiring saw that is designed to " kick back " leaving a racing stripe on your forehead. VOLTMETER: A device that is used measure the amount of current, before you receive voltage through your body. JUMPER CABLES: Thick heavy cables with clamps to remove the smoke from an alternator. AIR IMPACT WRENCH: A tool used to permanently install lug nuts on a vehicle. Sometimes used to seat oil drain plugs. |
I have actually experienced a few of those. 
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Quoted:
WD40 - Used to convert rust into rusty smears everywhere. Handy when today's work is JUST TOO CLEAN. 
Brakleen and Carb Cleen- used to find every open sore on your exposed skin . Also handy to make surrounding paints and finishes fade and bubble ,thereby forcing you to re-finish said object. |
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Quoted: *See also: Methyl Ethyl Ketone.Quoted: WD40 - Used to convert rust into rusty smears everywhere. Handy when today's work is JUST TOO CLEAN. Brakleen and Carb Cleen- used to find every open sore on your exposed skin* . Also handy to make surrounding paints and finishes fade and bubble ,thereby forcing you to re-finish said object.  |
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Quoted: Wow, these are like 10 years old and everyone is all crazy over them. Real cutting edge stuff here on ARFcom  In any case, they are still funny I've been on the Internet since 1994. I also was heavily involved in BBS's back to my VIC-20 and C-64 days and it's the first time I've seen this list. Goes to show that Web is a *BIG* place and sometimes people miss things. |
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Quoted: My dad spent the coin to upgrade from the SON OF A BITCH tools to the DAMMIT tools. Apparently DAMMIT tools have better aerodynamics. I don't know about the upgrades, but my tool throwing usually skips the preliminary epithets and goes directly to "FUCKING COCKSUCKING PIECE OF SHIT" as they're embedded in the garage drywall. |
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Dinner knife - Cutlery removed from the table by the wife in lieu of a screwdriver. Using cutlery as a screwdriver leads to all the dinner knifes in the house having a little bend at the end. The more knifes with a small bend at the end also is proportional to the dollar amount of tools in the house and surrounding property.
For 5 years I had a screwdriver set in the cutlery drawer trying to get my wife not to use the knifes - no go. |
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Quoted:
Dinner knife - Cutlery removed from the table by the wife in lieu of a screwdriver. Using cutlery as a screwdriver leads to all the dinner knifes in the house having a little bend at the end. The more knifes with a small bend at the end also is proportional to the dollar amount of tools in the house and surrounding property. For 5 years I had a screwdriver set in the cutlery drawer trying to get my wife not to use the knifes - no go. 
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Portable toolbox:
A storage device designed to randomly organize your tools for you. Also converts into a pinata-like-device when a wrench keeps you from opening the drawer until you pull really hard, scattering tools all over the garage floor. Great for parties! |