Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Site Notices
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 12/13/2005 9:36:52 AM EDT
I thought these were worth sharing . . . enjoy!

Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.


Disconnector
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 9:39:25 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/13/2005 9:40:16 AM EDT by callgood]
41: "I could eat a box of Alpha Bits and CRAP a better idea than that."
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 9:40:25 AM EDT
nice
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 9:45:01 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 9:53:47 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 10:21:48 AM EDT

If I get tenure, I will make a conscious effort to say ALL of those in one day - preferably at a faculty meeting.

Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:06:31 PM EDT
Here's my favorite:

"The Gov't is expecting us to set up an escort service."

It's true, too. Eventually, it will end up in the contract.....

Merlin
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:09:57 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
If I get tenure, I will make a conscious effort to say ALL of those in one day - preferably at a faculty meeting.





are you familar with Bullshit Bingo??????
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:29:10 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Only_Hits_Count:

Originally Posted By DK-Prof:
If I get tenure, I will make a conscious effort to say ALL of those in one day - preferably at a faculty meeting.





are you familar with Bullshit Bingo??????



I like it
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:31:05 PM EDT
awesome list..


"I picked one hell of a day to stop sniffin glue"
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:39:22 PM EDT
42. Fuck you, I quit.


(said after winning the lottery or otherwise acquiring a large sum of money)
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:42:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Zack3g:
42. Fuck you, I quit.


(said after winning the lottery or otherwise acquiring a large sum of money)



Damn, you took mine.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:45:52 PM EDT
43. Hey boss tell your old lady to stop calling me at work.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 1:55:17 PM EDT
Ya know what? You're fired.

-K
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:02:24 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Zack3g:
42. Fuck you, I quit.


(said after winning the lottery or otherwise acquiring a large sum of money)



Yep.

CR
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:08:28 PM EDT
Ive always liked you Bob, dont come to work tomorrow.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:10:04 PM EDT

Originally Posted By _disconnector_:

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.



I say this all the time, I am a consultant.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:11:08 PM EDT
I know you think you're speaking English, but it just comes across as pops and clicks...

I can't help stupid - I do say this a bunch

Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:11:29 PM EDT
My favorite will be " here is my resignation".
Which hopefully will be coming soon......
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:17:43 PM EDT
My current expression of disbelief: "You're FUCKING me!"

I have no idea where I picked that one up.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:19:34 PM EDT
I have used some of those, eso the Ahhh looks like the screw up fairy has been here agian,

and what I told our plant engineer awhile back,

No, I think you and few others up front need to take a damn reality pill.




Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:22:07 PM EDT

Originally Posted By newracer:

Originally Posted By _disconnector_:

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.



I say this all the time, I am a consultant.



+1
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:29:06 PM EDT
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I like you, fuck you fuck you.......

All while pointing at co-workers.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:31:06 PM EDT
44. Shut the fuck up
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:32:20 PM EDT
That is what I love about working construction. I get to say all those things and more to my coworkers. I would never talk that way to a customer, but my coworkers are fair game. I actually used the "nice perfume, must you marinate it" on a "woman" I work with.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:33:49 PM EDT
Tag
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:37:05 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Foxxz:
Tag



I'm with the pancake bunny.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:40:29 PM EDT
I had my job eliminated last year, when a new sales manager took control of our group, a ten man group of regional VP's like myself. He pissed off everyone, when in his introductory meeting, he trashed our boss (the guy he was replacing), and generally tried to intimidate us.

I was later asked to write an exit interview letter. Here are a few paragraphs from that letter. I was later emailed from a person in Human Resources who let me know it would definitely be passed "up the line" within my group.



New Guy Manager had some pretty strong doubts about his abilities to get the job done, and those misgivings manifested themselves in the way he addressed our group. He had no interest in winning over any of the people he was about to supervise, but instead elected to assert himself with a petulant and oafish display of power. In a word, he looked small. Public macho posturing and putting down a manager you just demoted (in front of friends and subordinates), says much more about the level of character and skill sets you bring to the table, than it does about the person you’ve tried to humiliate, or the group’s weaknesses that you think needs to be changed. What it said about NGM was that like so many managers in American corporate culture today, he made the often repeated mistake of confusing authority with leadership.

The title on a person’s business card doesn’t confer the leadership skills required to bring a struggling group together, motivate them, and then lead them to a successful turnaround in their day to day business operations. As long as companies like Big Ass Bank continue to emphasize hiring managers, as opposed to seeking out real leaders, the environment will never improve.

NGM doesn’t inspire trust or loyalty, and in fact inspires quite the opposite. He comes off as a self absorbed, run of the mill “careerist,” who would never put his team members ahead of himself, and would do whatever is most expedient to advance himself. He’s unable to laugh at himself, which also became apparent in our initial meetings, after taking one or two mild “ribbings” by a regional sales manager....

Second, that New Guy Manager's boss surprised us all in hiring someone like NGM. Most executives, after being promoted to a higher position within an organization (and staying at that same organization), will pick their replacement by “hiring up,” i.e. hiring a replacement with greater skills than they had, in an effort to take that organization to the next level. That certainly didn’t occur when NGM was hired, and in fact I would think his presence over the long term will demoralize those he manages and weaken efforts to grow Big Ass Bank's sales distribution efforts going forward.



I really wish I had the chance to say all of this to the guy's face. One year later, their sales are in the toilet, and nearly everyone present at that meeting has either been run off or has resigned. The guy has essentially gutted the place, with no results to show for it. What an assclown.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:47:04 PM EDT

Originally Posted By _disconnector_:
I thought these were worth sharing . . . enjoy!

Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. Said that, except my exact phrase was "but you're still full of shit"

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Not exactily..."What are you, a mobile fuckup or what?"

3. How about never? Is never good for you? Said that

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Not quite...exact phrase was "Wow, what an efficent job of fucking yourself"

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. Almost..."Listen up buttercup, there's my way and the wrong way, get with the fucking program"

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. Said that, word for word

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. Almost... "I've been sane for a while now..thought I'd see what it was like on the other side of the coin"

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. More times than I can count

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. Yep, said that

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... I said "Captain Fuckup", but close enough

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. Yep, used that

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. Exact quote was "And you wonder why I don't trust people?"

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. Yep, said that

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. "I'm imagining myself in a calm place, with a calm peaceful pond in front of me...calmness abounds...and I'm currently calmly drowning you in the fucking pond" Yes, I've actually said that, to a former boss

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. Actually, heh...never said that

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. Close... "What are you, fucking stupid?" was the closest I got..

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Never used that one..

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. Close..."So, what's the weather like on your planet?"

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks! Close... "Argh...why do they come to ME to die!" Actually said, to a former co-worker. He left shortly thereafter.

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. Yep, said it, to an exec vp no less. He and I wound up becoming drinking buddies when I worked in NYC. Awesome guy.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Close enough

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. *snicker* More than once...

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Close.. "So, what's the master of fuckups think about our plan? Is there a way to fuck it up more efficently?" Note...HR hates it when you use that on them, trust me on this

24. Do I look like a people person? Oh, yah, almost daily.

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. Close enough... "Welcome to hell! The light flickers for effect...don't worry about it.

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left. Not yet...soon, though, heh.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Not yet...but I can see it happening

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Not quite..the phrase I used was "Look, go light a candle or something that you're qualified to do, ok? Just..leave me alone, ok?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. "Dude, don't worry about it...we'll blame it on poor documentation" is an almost weekly utterance by me, no shit

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Haven't used it

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Haven't used it, either

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Close... "Welcome to Cell Block E, or what management likes to call the Psycho Ward..."

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? Haven't used it, too proletrarian

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Used once, to ill effect...fuckers had no sense of humor

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Haven't had cause to say anything like that...tech guys don't wear cologne unless they're trying to piss off co-workers

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. Very similar... "I have nude photos of the boss's secretary. I can do no wrong here."..and yes, I did

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Nah...not said

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. Close..."Hey, I'm only here for the money"

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Yep! Used that one! And yah, she socked me for it. Expected.

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different. Close... "So, you thought that was funny..well, that's ok."


Disconnector




Heh....you should see where I work.


My boss wonders why he ever hired me...my co-workers wonder why the hell I'm not either running the joint or doing standup...the CEO just thinks I'm this crazy guy who may or may not mean him harm...

Fun times, lemme tell ya...

Link Posted: 12/13/2005 2:58:09 PM EDT
Not my current job, but things I would have liked to have said to asshats in my previous AFSC.

"Well of course, you're a fucking idiot."

and

"Go fuck yourself, how bout that?"

also, more of a gesture-

"OK!" then give them a thumbs up with an enthusiastic smile, then go thumbs down with a loud and obnoxious fart sound.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 4:37:19 PM EDT
"FUCK YOU YOU FAT, LAZY, PIECE OF SHIT!!!" oh i said that today......and believe me, i felt better.



jake
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 4:51:32 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/13/2005 4:57:27 PM EDT by GrumpyM4]
"Eat a dick."

"I didn't know they made sperm burpers like you anymore."

"Don't say the word "work", It offends me."

Chris

Edited to add: I misread the title. I thought it said things that you DO say at work, not things you would like to say.

I have said the above many times at work.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 4:52:51 PM EDT
Quiet the FUCK down!
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:00:40 PM EDT
"I've got something you can stick in your mouth baby"

Use that one quite often.

OR

"Come into my office, take off your clothes and we'll talk about it"

Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:06:57 PM EDT
Oh, you have a dog, where's my taser?!
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:15:32 PM EDT
... I just won the Powerball™, I'm outta here!
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:17:01 PM EDT
Oddly enough, I've heard or said most of those while at work.

It's nice working in a personality cult; everyone gets your sense of humor.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:19:21 PM EDT
Get a job and get all welfare.

To the nonpaying customers
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:33:27 PM EDT


God those were good. I love it!
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 5:39:34 PM EDT
"This project is a 'no-brainer'? Then you're eminently qualified for it"
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 8:04:18 PM EDT
I once had to fix a coworker's mess. While struggling with it one afternoon, he dropped by to ask me how it was going. I quietly informed him, "You must be great at kissing ass, because you're fucking worthless for anything else."

He loved it, and even told some of the other guys in the office. Sadly, although I liked him as a conversationalist, I was not joking.
Link Posted: 12/13/2005 8:34:04 PM EDT
I've said this to one of the chocolate heart inmate councelors at work" I don't know if you are privey to this information, but they're(inmates) not here on scholarship"
Link Posted: 12/14/2005 11:49:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Swindle1984:

It's nice working in a personality cult; everyone gets your sense of humor.



Sigline material right here folks . . .

Disconnector
Link Posted: 12/14/2005 11:59:44 AM EDT
Other then merely possessing a vagina, do you have any REAL skills???
Link Posted: 12/14/2005 12:01:24 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/14/2005 12:09:45 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/14/2005 12:16:14 PM EDT by tommytrauma]
See my sig line.

By the way, they have really good doughnuts at the sensitivity training they send me to every couple of months.
Top Top