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9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 12/19/2001 11:44:25 AM EDT
Thou shalt not rent "Chocolat." Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.) If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits FOREVER! The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. You girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dickheads; low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask who's playing.
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 11:45:11 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2001 11:38:49 AM EDT by Jarhead_22]
(cont'd) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good ass-whuppin," then you may sit back and enjoy. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F__K OFF," you are absolved of your of responsibility. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments. (with thanks to Maxim magazine. [url]www.maximmag.com[/url])
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 5:33:39 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2001 5:25:49 PM EDT by lordtrader]
Only code I live by: 36-24-36 5 2
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 5:52:04 PM EDT
Since this is a [b]"Man Show"[/b] material thread ... (notice the determination in her eyes) [img]http://www.imovaherenow.com/images/beer_can_crusher.gif[/img]
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 6:29:52 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 6:41:04 PM EDT
OOPS I broke rule number 22. But thats a whole other story.
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 6:47:39 PM EDT
LOL!
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
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Of course if you were a [b]real friend[/b] you wouldn't be bailing him out of jail....You'd be sitting in jail with him with a short cigarette in your hand mumbling, "That hooker sure didn't look like no cop!"
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 7:23:30 PM EDT
By the time you reach thirty, you must have spent the night in a convent, jail or whorehouse. Have had sex with someone you are ashamed of. Skinny dipped with someone worth boasting about. Had sex with a woman of every race, or Rae Dawn Chong instead.
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 7:27:19 PM EDT
Hooters hooters, yum yum yum, hooters hooters, on a girl that's dumb. Wait, that's the Bundy code. Oh well, works for me. [:P] BMB
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 7:29:36 PM EDT
Well I'm 34 so
Originally Posted By SS109: By the time you reach thirty, you must have spent the night in a convent, jail or whorehouse.
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been in jail so far
Originally Posted By SS109: Have had sex with someone you are ashamed of.
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Done
Originally Posted By SS109: Skinny dipped with someone worth boasting about.
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I don't go skinny dipping. I am only 3in. with shrinkage, it could be past embarrasing.
Originally Posted By SS109: Had sex with a woman of every race, or Rae Dawn Chong instead.
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Just need Black, Persian and Indian and I can cross this off.
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 7:30:37 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2001 9:37:53 PM EDT
Men don't send other men candy on Valentine's Day.
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 5:12:08 AM EDT
Originally Posted By HvyAR: Men don't send other men candy on Valentine's Day.
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Does this really need to be stated? I would think it's one of the great understood truths of western civilization.
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 5:23:04 AM EDT
You are not allowed to ask a single guy, who has a girlfriend: [b]"So, when are you two going to get married?"[/b] You are not allowed to ask one of your married friends: [b]"So, when are you two going to have kids?"[/b] If a friend's wife is pregnant, it is assumed that it will be a boy. Period. There will be no discussion of potential girl's names.
Link Posted: 12/20/2001 6:55:56 AM EDT
Originally Posted By SS109: By the time you reach thirty, you must have spent the night in a convent, jail or whorehouse. DONE Have had sex with someone you are ashamed of. done - more than once Skinny dipped with someone worth boasting about. DONE Had sex with a woman of every race, or Rae Dawn Chong instead. I have failed but I tried - diligently !
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