Posted: 1/8/2003 8:53:51 AM EDT
The following was forwarded to me by a friend.
The 4 types of liberals
By Brett Rosen
For those of you who are unsure, there is no single mold for a liberal. They come in all shapes and sizes from the big and beefy who could throw you through a brick wall types like Rosie O'Donnell, to the more waif-like Bob Kerry.
As with their varying body types they have all come to their philosophical position through a different path.
There are basically 4 types of liberals out there you may come across in your travels.
The bleeder is your traditional "bleeding heart liberal".
While not necessarily irresponsible themselves they just can't help but get
their stomachs tied up in knots over a high school dropout with 5 kids
who is having trouble making ends meet.
These are the gullible of our society. Liberals of this ilk are your best
shot at scamming some change for a hot meal if you aren't in the mood
to pay for it yourself. Just make sure you look very pathetic. They need
your misery to feel good about themselves.
examples: Warren Beatty, Rosie O'Donnell
The loser is someone who has consistently done foolish things with their
life and hence probably pays little or nothing in taxes because they have
not learned a skill that warrants an income.
They are traditionally liberals because they are net beneficiaries of the
tax system and therefore new government programs are bound to benefit
The loser can be identified by such comments as
"Welfare is what you pay taxes for."
examples: A large portion of the population in the part of town you
don't drive through.
The control freak
The control freak is also a liberal out of self interest.
The control freak doesn't stand to benefit financially from a liberal system
of government. What they stand to benefit from is the degree of power
and prestige a large intrusive government can offer them.
The control freak is very likely to run for office. You are likely to find
them on local school boards, town councils and virtually every federally
The most common phrase you will hear from the control freak is
"For our children's sake."
examples: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton
The guilt monger
Perhaps the most perplexing liberal of all.
This is a person who has shown competency and responsibility in their
life yet chooses to be a liberal out of a sense of guilt. The guilt monger
secretly feels they have not earned their success and support liberal
agendas to even things out for people who were not as "lucky" as they are.
The guilt monger is likely to volunteer at soup kitchens and if they have
the means will donate large sums of money to liberal charities and politicians.
examples: Ted Turner
That covers our overview of liberals. Now that you know what makes
them tick try to be gentle with them because you now understand them
better than they understand themselves.
Pretty good. I have grouped them the same way, except for the guilt monger who is thankfully pretty rare. More common are the hippy dippy Green idealists.
1. Self-righteous, lazy thinker/Hollywood celebrity. Think that they can solve the world's problems by saving the environment, social programs, peaceful foreign policy. Thinks if guns are banned, then gun crime will go away too. Think if affirmative action and hate crime laws are passed, racism will go away. Is all for forcing government strictures and taxes on other people, hates it when it's done to them. Not really concerned with politics per se, just wants to have the "correct" and enlightened position on things. Has unshakable faith in government to solve problems. These folks seem to run the newspapers, media, and are responsible for most of the "liberal bias" we see in the media.(Bleeders in your outline)
2. The academic/intellectual. Their big thing is to create as many victims as possible. They have a fundamental hatred of the "system" as a whole. Christianity, patriarchy, capitalism, the white race, the military; these are the roots of all misery in the world. They feel like they are more educated, enlightened, aware than the masses. They feel entitled therefore to decide what they should think. (control freaks in your outline)
3. Minorities, free lunchers, organized labor, people who think they can get something for nothing from government programs in exchange for their votes. Not really interested in politics insofar as what they can extract from it as a dependent. (The loser in your outline)
4. Hippy dippy types who think humans are fundamentally good nice people, we can all get along, solve world hunger, create alternative energy, all be really groovy and peaceful. These good souls are painfully naive. They mean well, but have no idea how the world really works. They tend to vote for Green party candidates.
That's funny, I always lumped them into "Liars", "Hypocrites", and "Dolts".
Covers all the bases if you ask me.