Posted: 5/17/2002 2:13:26 PM EDT
Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule 1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. I f you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:"early".
Rule 6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka--zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequrntly tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Saw that on another board. Funny as hell. If I had a daughter it could come in handy.
now send a picture of your daughter. [:D]
I noticed there was no rule banning the expectation of a nice after-dinner hummer if the date went well.
Saw that on another board. Funny as hell. [red]If I had a daughter[/red] it could come in handy.
Like a pack of wolves. Holy shit.
I've always thought it would be best if I was in my underwear at the kitchen table, with a bunch of crushed beer cans nearby, smoking a big stogie, and cleaning a gun when I first meet any suitor for my daughters. It would set the right tone for the relationship. I would belch out loud, and rip a fart or two while cussing about the damn guns trigger being too loose...
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________
2. DATE OF BIRTH ________________
3. HEIGHT ____________________
4. WEIGHT __________
7. SOCIAL SECURITY #/DRIVERS LICENSE # _____________
8. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________
9. HOME ADDRESS _________________
10. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? (Y/N)
If No., EXPLAIN
11. Number of years your parents have been married ___
12. Do you own a van? (Y/N)
A truck with oversized tires? (Y/N)
A waterbed? (Y/N)
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? (Y/N)
(If "yes" to any of #12, discontinue application and leave premises )
13. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
14. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
15. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
16. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
17. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?
18. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
19. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
If I had a dating daughter, I would force them to have a chaperone present on all dates. (me)
Thank god mine just turned 18 , and is engaged . Yee haw no more kids at home !!!
Can I buy tickets?
Thank god mine just turned 18 , and is engaged . Yee haw no more kids at home !!!
Mine moved out and got married at 18. She's about to turn 23 (Sunday, as a matter of fact.) She's back home living with us, and she's got a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old with her. My wife has quit her job to take care of the kids while my daughter learns how to support herself and her children. Should be an interesting next year or two.
You know how things are, even following all the above posts, they're still going to go out and bang each other.
You are in an enviable spot friend!
You get to take two youngsters fishing,exploring,gardening,grocery shopping,back road country driving,maybe a little shooting in the future,some hunting eventually,mushrooming,trapping,trotlining,jugging,limblining,painting,gun cleaning,oil changing and just plain old having fun with your life type stuff.
The real education.
You are indeed a rich man.
But would you suffer the initiation for this?
I own firearms to protect myself from the over-protective fathers of the girls I date. [;)]