BySwingset

As a stunningly successful man of the world, I am often asked, "swingset,
how can I, a nebbish dweeb, hope to score hot babes and find a great lady like
you did?"

And, often, my answer is simple and direct. Usually something like "Dream
on, dork".

But, today, I'm feeling altruistic and I am going to let the young men of
Arfcom in on a few of the lesser known secrets of that crazy species we call
womenz. There are many mysteries of the universe, vast unknowable chasms of
wonder out there, but the gals are not one of them. They are not like us, but
they are not without a purpose or a plan and I happen to know most of it. I
have stayed at many a Holiday Inn Express, and I have had my 31 flavors of pie.


So, if you are between the ages of 15 and 25, or mentally so, pay attention and
tattoo these pearls on the inside of your thigh. When you have lived a long and
failed life of disasterous encounters with the fairer sex, you will want to
read back my little laundry list and slap yourself for not taking it to heart.

Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy
to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror
paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were
to be trusted about how they tick, we'd all have it figured out, and women
would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led
to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters
of the heart. Fact is, they're just as clueless as you. Next.

Item 2: Women are 95% a product of the relationship (or lack thereof) between
they and their fathers. Men are made by their mothers, women by their dads. If
daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe
they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their
days. This is an absolute, so trust me when I say, if they don't have a healthy
relationship with pops, they're not having one with you either, so fucking run.
Yes, they're going to be fun in the sackeroo, but trust me....run. That other
5% of their nature comes from lucky genetics, but you're not turning that into
anything by yourself. You ain't fixing a broken girl, so just run.

Item 3: To attract women, you need but one thing....to be in charge. Not
necessarily of the world or the building you work in, but in charge of your
surroundings. You need to be in charge of whatever setting you and the womenz
will be in. In any herd of animals, the females obey the alpha. You must be, no
matter what the situation, the "guy". You might need to be the funny
guy, or the cool guy, or the host, or the entertainer, or even the "taken"
one, but you had better be the center of attention that day. To be this thing,
you need some confidence, you need your shit in order, and you need some sort
of talent that will put you in the alpha spot - no matter if that's at the
library or at the night club. Women do not fawn at the slowest, weakest
gazelle. They look at what's running out front, and follow. Get your life in
order. Women are not laying in the tub right now letting the water hit the pink
parts dreaming about a gun nut who's playing Rainbow Six in his mom's basement.
You follow? This leads me to item 4.

Item 4: Women, real women, do not want a boy. They want a man, so be one. Don't
get dickhead haircuts, tribal tats, spinners for your ghey car, the latest
trendy clothes or skin care products. These are the tools of vain boys, and a
woman does not want these things from you even if she acts like she does. You
may get some dates, you may get laid, you may even get married by being a
boy.....but bet your ass that your woman will dream of a man (which is not
you).

Item 5: Women, contrary to ARFcom legend, do not want sex that
often...especially once the relationship cools off (normalizes). If they do
crave the weenie all the time, they are messed up (see item #1). Women do not
have testesterone pumping through their organs, and will not crave sex, at
least not like you think they do. Get used to it, deal with it, and make your
peace with the fact that a normal woman wants sex about 1/10th as much as you.
Sadly, the sexaholic women are usually reliving some sort of childhood trauma,
and sex gives them control over their neuroses about that past. See, women have
sex for very different reasons than we do. They have it to feel sexy, to feel
loved, to feel wanted, even to feel in charge....but they don't have that
physical drive like us. We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from
our balls, and that's about the extent of it.

Item 6: There is nothing a woman can sniff out like desperation. If you have
even one tiny cell of creepy in you, she'll smell it all over you like a possum
carcus in the sun. One of the lessons of adulthood is FUCKING RELAX. Do it, for
all our sakes. Don't chase women, for there is no need. Be a man, be yourself,
have a good time and get your life in order, and the women will forever come to
you. Believe this fellas.....nothing could be truer. If young swingset would
have only known this.... but that's another story and it involves copious
masturbation and alot of Boone's Farm.

Item 7: Women, contrary to another urban legend, are shitbags too. They will
have you convinced, if you talk to them enough, that they are the masters of
reason and emotion. Bullshit, fellas. They are contriving, maniacal masters of
chaos and work feverishly against their own happiness sometimes. Nothing will
disturb a woman so deeply to her core as true contentment. Some women shudder
at the thought of a placid, pleasing life. It's a very rare thing, a woman at
peace and comfortable with herself....so when you find one, say "I
do" and keep her away from other women. Wanna see proof of this? Work
along side alot of women. When one finds happiness, the others go about
dismantling hers with ant-like industry. Nothing on earth is quite so
destructive as women screwing with a happy one. It's a pretty safe bet that if
your lady friends hang out with other girls, they will try (even unwittingly),
to fuck you up. Sorry girls, you know this one is true.

Item 8: Get to know your prospective inlaws....even if you have no idea you're
going to marry the girl you're banging. If you don't love them like they're
your own parents, RUN. Seriously, it's that simple. Run. Look at their
relationship - her mother and father's. Look at it hard, because that's you in
25 years....or some variation of it. Your woman will make sure of it, because
she's hard wired to.

Item 9: A woman's beauty is her worst enemy, and her only true servant. Be very
afraid of a woman who has relied, or counted on her looks to survive or succeed
- for when those looks or your attention to them wanes, she will self-destruct
before your eyes. You will come home to find her gone, or on top of your best
friend. Again, not to drive a point too fine, but stay away from the 10's. A
stripper model does not live to enjoy a 50 year wedding anniversary, and she
will not change your diapers when you're old. Believe it or not, that stuff
really matters. You, like women, are driven by your nature. If you're always
attracted to the worst kind of women, it's not their fault bucko. It's
yours....so fight your impulses and go with what's smart not what "feels
good".

Item 10: Lastly, I leave you with this. It's a difficult lesson to be a man.
It's a painful, self-sacrificing labor and part of the human condition to be a
man. You must accept that much of your life and your ties to women rely on your
honor and your good nature. Sadly, most of us choose our mates based on nothing
more than a tiny dab of sexual experience and a lot of ignorance about human
nature. The women you meet, fall in love with, screw, and hurt, are all human
beings with complex pasts, desires and dreams. Treat each woman, no matter who
she is, as if she is your best friend's girl. Give her respect, even if you
don't choose to engage her in a meaningful way. Understand that she is a
daughter, a sister and someone's baby and if she's not good enough to be kind
to, then leave her alone. Your dealings with the chicks will come back to haunt
you, and each shitty act will be revisited on you, or your children, or your
future women. Trust me here...it really happens. Be a good man, a smart man and
an observant man, and women will not be a source of pain in your life. Take my
word on it.




PS, I know this will make its way to the ladies forum....because I've divulged
trade secrets. And, I predict much of it will be hotly debated by the womenz of
ARFcom, whom I love and respect. However, let none of that diminish my
wisdom....if they don't acknowledge my genius, then it just proves Item #1.
Sorry gals.

Quoted:
Do they even have swingsets anymore?

Quoted:

https://www.AR15.Com/media/mediaFiles/151633/image-102970.JPG

Since penning my original "guide to young men”, written several years ago, I’ve seen it reposted several times and had several people ask me to do a different version or expound upon it. So, here ’tis, the revised Guide, 2012 edition now with bold new graphics and towing package! In truth, I’ve nuanced my opinion on some things, and there are things I didn’t get into on the first round. This is sort of an addendum to the first list, and not really in any sort of order just as I think of them:

1. I have no interest in getting you laid, even if I had such a power. If your goal is just to meet a woman to get your noodle wet, consult Penthouse. If I could write a "how to emotionally manipulate a man into giving you all his shit, letting you walk all over him, then abandoning him like the chump he is” for women, I wouldn’t write it for the same reasons. The goal of all my advice where relationships are concerned is to help a person with good intentions meet a person they can be happy with, date, marry, etc. If your life’s mission is to rack up a bunch of hookups, first shut off that pesky humanity that keeps most of us from being serial cocksman, and second just go find women with some daddy issues and treat them like crap. It’s not rocket surgery, but it’s a sad way to live.

2. Something often said in complete error and cynicism time and again is that there are no decent women, or that women are evil, selfish beasts out to wreck your happiness. Even better, that there’s some magical foreign country where women are subservient goddesses and a much finer stock than our American ladies. Oh, you sad fucks. I regard any blanket assertion that casts exactly 50% of the nation’s population as a monolithic behaving entity like the retarded dreck that it is. There are hundreds of thousands of decent women, all potential dates and mates for you. Maybe not the poster-perfect ideal you’re thinking you deserve, but good women who you might be very happy with. They are out there, in spades. Just because your fucked up attractions and expectations put you in contact with the same 3 broken women over and over again does not give you the right or clarity to denounce the whole pasture. Women say worse about men as a whole, and they’re just as wrong. If you start your life with the idea that "all women are _______”, and fill that in with some pejorative, you are pretty much daring the gods to smite your attempts at finding a good mate. 99% of the battle is to be positive, confident, happy with yourself and making good choices so that one of those countless good women out there are in your path, and you run into her. If so far your exertion to find love and companionship is to play BF3 in your apartment with your two retarded roommates, you don’t get to say jack shit about all women. So when someone gives you the Debbie Downer view of the fairer sex, ask yourself how much life they’ve led…where have they lived, who they’ve been intimate with, and what each and everyone of those women would say about the dipshit standing in front of you. I’d bet it wasn’t glowing praise and probably well deserved.

3. There’s an analogy I want you to scorch into your little man-brain. It’s very important, and retardedly simple. Men’s instincts with women are much like the way we treat a pet dog. Dogs are like men, they’re simple and agreeable and if you smile and say "come here!” the dog will run to your side. You can manhandle him, throw him on the ground, rub his belly, grab his ears and he’ll wag his tail with delight. It’s how we are, so we tend to treat women the same way. Women, they’re like cats. If you yell at a strange cat to come here, it won’t. If you grab it and throw it down, attempt to rub its belly or its ears, it will attempt to claw your face off, or run terrified in the other direction. We know this is true, even of women, but often we’re just too fucking stupid to treat women in a way they respond to. How do you get a cat to come to you? You look interesting. You hold still. You offer a gentle hand if they show interest. You let them come and rub up against you. Then, you pet them gently and see if they respond favorably. This is how you need to be with women. Don’t pursue. Don’t yell. Don’t grab. Be interesting, be calm, be inviting. Be the thing they cannot resist coming to, instead of charging them with your boner out.

4. The cat analogy works with regards to sex, by and large. If you engage in the touching of girl parts (especially for the first time) like you’re painting a fence or trying to scrape the weather coating off of a roof, expect your performance to be judged in terms of how many showers it took her to wash the fail off. Treat a new girl like a cat; gentle, slow, methodical. Let her respond to you, and push against you when things feel good. At the very least, you’ll look like you’re taking an interest in her pleasure, and that means more than being a super stud. She might be a "harder/faster” girl, and if so you’ll figure it out quick, but don’t assume. Girls = cats. Got it?

5. On the topic of being attractive to women, let’s make a little effort ok? Women are usually very keen observers of your dress and the way you take care of yourself. Right or wrong, they’ll zero in on certain things to decide what kind of guy you are (and you’ll do it to her too…what does a lower-back-tat tell you? Same process). Women notice how you groom, big time. They notice your general build, they notice your shoes (a great amount of focus is on your shoes, believe it or not which if you think about it tells someone a lot about you). They notice how your hands look, your nails, your hair cut, all of it. All of these things send a signal, so make sure that the signal is the right one. I’m never going to tell a guy who lives in Arkansas and loves his truck and hunting to dress like he’s a graphic designer living in Soho, rather make sure that the signals you send represent your BEST qualities. If you’re a blue-collar guy, A nice Carhart jacket and Redwings, a good fitting pair of jeans, a nice henley shirt sends your message, and if you’re well groomed and your duds aren’t filthy trust me you look very appealing to women who think about a working man. See what I’m saying? It’s not about dressing to impress, it’s about dressing so that your character isn’t obscured in shitty clothes. If you’re a bit tacky, or you don’t know what you’re trying to convey, ask someone to help you out. Got a hot cousin? Tell her to take you to the mall and figure out what makes you look good. Just trust me your 13 year old Phantom Menace shirt, black Levis and cheap tennis shoes sends the message that you’re a chronic masturbator and possibly retarded. Clean your act up, and that is all part of my always important message of being the best version of you…and not just because you want a woman. Oh, and avoid neck-tats…unless you hate having a job AND a sane woman in your life.

6. One of the things that gets asked or said over and over again is that a young man will want to know how to get comfortable around women, or say that they’re awkward and don’t know what to talk about or say. This is nothing new, certainly countless young men have felt this way but there is something you can do about it. For one, don’t attempt to be a different you in the presence of women (or anyone else). Better to fail on honesty than to be thought a recluse because of your fear of being exposed. You might just find that you have more to talk about or say than you thought, but you have to talk to women with the same non-nonchalance that you would speak to your best friend’s little sister, or your cousin. You’re not aiming to impress, so it feels natural. Same here, you have to be able to put the brakes on your attraction enough to let you get past that first little hurdle…and it’s just a small hurdle that you can get past. I don’t normally prescribe tricks, but here’s one you can use if you’re in the company of someone you like and are having a hard time relaxing and being yourself. If you find yourself stumbling or feeling a little off, excuse yourself and say something like "Man, I don’t know why but I feel nervous. Isn’t that weird?” Say it very straightforward, and say it as if you are surprising yourself. It’s not a lie, you’re nervous, but it does something good which is address your feeling awkward and does it in a way that a woman will likely see as flattering. She’s evoking a reaction from you that you did not expect, and that will feel good to her…might even evoke some healthy sympathy (the kind that makes her want to make you feel better). The conversation that follows can be liberating for both of you, sometimes we just need a little permission to be scared. Women understand that. Women aren’t monsters, seriously. Well, some are. Cher for instance.

7. Another common theme I see with young men, and hell of a few old ones for that matter, is not being able to let go when they’re being jerked around. You meet a nice girl, you go out on a few dates, have fun and think she’s hot. Maybe you even sleep together, and then she start playing cold or is erratic or puts you off for mundane life. Newsflash: You ain’t doing it for her. Move. The. Fuck. Along. Now. Seriously, without going into a long explanation of the obvious, just ask yourself this simple question every time you face a luke-warm lady. If I am really into someone and it’s good, does ANYTHING stop me from being there or showing enthusiasm? Would a class? Would a busy schedule? Would another girl? No, no, and no. So, if you find yourself being played or stuck on the emotional tampon string, cut loose and never look back. For one, you save some much needed male dignity and for two if there’s a way to make someone realize you might be worth having afterall, it’s letting them know you’re off the hook (not that I suggest this as a motivation, but it happens). You don’t have to be mean, just move on with your life and stop taking their texts, or their half-assed tries, and go find your happiness with someone who doesn’t require all the work. Men are fixers, and we figure if you’ve gone out with us or let us down the panties (and it’s good), we can pry our way back in. That’s foolish, and desperate. Real attraction doesn’t require that, and again…think of the women like cats. When they want to rub your leg, pet them, but when they feel like roaming fuck it just a cat. Another will be by if you put your milk bowl out. Even if it’s hard, even if you really feel something, even if it kills you, don’t hang there waiting for it.

8. When it all goes wrong. If you start meeting women, going on dates, getting girlfriends or you’re already in that stage of your life and you find that in spite of your best attempts you just keep failing at relationships, put the handbrake on the blame game. It’s not the ladies, chief. The only constant is you, so it’s you. Let’s just get that right out there. I ate 9 times at White Castle before I realized that the diarrhea wasn’t the hamburgers, but my stomach protesting. I can blame the sliders, but at the end of the day I’m going to have to go elsewhere or spend some time in the shitter. Don’t be that dumbass. I’ve covered this in the first guide, but you are your attractions, and if they keep sucking then you owe it to yourself to break those cycles. Go somewhere else to meet them, hang out with different friends, join a new club, whatever the fuck it takes. And, when you find one that seems nice but isn’t just quite the ideal you’re used to, guess what? She’s probably the best choice because your trigger is broken. Start voting with the big head, and choose based on real actual compatibilities instead of "ooooh, feels right”. Because if you’re failing then "right” is "wrong”.

9. If you enter the online dating world, some pro-tips for you. Do not stand in a bathroom shirtless and take a picture of yourself in the mirror. This is sad, and desperate, and looks slightly homo-erotic. It works to pick up guys, tho. Also, under no circumstances should you ever aim that camera phone at your oddly misshapen dick. No one wants to see that shit. Women don’t want to, trust me. Well, I should say women that are worth dating don’t want to see your dick. Ever. Probably not even if they like you. If you post an ad, find a picture of you hanging with friends (this suggests you’re liked), make sure you’re all smiling (this suggests you’re fun), and make sure there’s at least one female and a dog in the group (this suggests you’re not creepy so as to scare off all females and pets). Do not post a long diatribe that attempts to dictate the terms of your many picky demands on women. Leave it wide open, mention that you’re fun and easy going, you love a girl that laughs and smiles, and will wrestle to determine which Meg Ryan movie you watch on your third date. You like good food, good friends, and wish you had someone special in your life. Don’t mention porn, your abs, or your car. I will write your ad for a small fee…usually for a picture of your penis.
10. Again, in summary, have some good honest self-awareness about who you are, who you want to be, and what someone who enters your life will be worth to you. Dating, relationships, marriage, they’re all just tests of your nature and willingness to learn. If you’re a dumb shit, you’re going to flail around and be unhappy and have unhappy people near you. If you can be honest, and roll with the punches and change the things that don’t work then you stand a good chance of having something worthwhile. There’s a lot of luck and happenstance involved when two people meet and fall for each other, but like hunting if you walk around waiting to shoot an animal it will take extraordinary good fortune to achieve what a good hunter can do regularly. Understand the movement and habits of your prey, empathize with their life, and put yourself in the best possible place to find the game you’re after. That means stepping outside of yourself and seeing you from the prey’s eyes. Even ugly, weird, and odd men find happiness in relationships. It’s not impossible, just a test of you, and that’s why it’s worth it.

Quoted:
I'll count the paragraphs but I'm not reading the text. Jebus.....

Quoted:

Reeding r hard, here short version:

Gro up, not be douche, not blame women for your suck @ finding gud women.