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April 10, 2002

Breaking News: Sharon Orders Bush to Withdraw from Afghanistan

EAST JERUSALEM. Concluding his remarks at a Palestinian Chamber of Commerce dinner, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon surprised the three-member audience when he announced that Operation Enduring Freedom had run its course, and therefore the United States, in the name of peace, must withdraw its troops from Afghanistan.

"Israel recognizes the rights of sovereign states to defend themselves from terror," Sharon said, "but the World Trade Center atrocity occurred nearly seven months ago, there have been no further such incidents in the U.S., and the American incursion into Afghanistan is no longer helpful.  Meanwhile, as
a result of America's aggression, Afghani families have had their homes destroyed and innocent Afghani civilians have lost their lives."

Asked whether the terrorist threat from the Taliban justified a continuedn U.S. presence, Sharon responded that this cycle of violence was "unhelpful to peace in that troubled land. It's time America recognized that it must
respect national borders and the legitimate aspirations of those with whom it disagrees."

With spontaneous anti-American demonstrations breaking out in Islamic capitals, Paris, France, and Berkeley, California, it's clear that world opinion is confirming the Israelis' counsel to America: The cause of peace is not being served by chasing down the last few members of the Taliban. In a presentation on Egypt's government-sponsored television station,
al-Stabubak, a spokesman for Egyptian President Mubarak appealed to the American people: "Can you not see that the Taliban has legitimate beefs ... while the exorbitant military spending habits of your own Congress reveal
fraudulent pork? The arrogance of your government is astounding. It acts as though only Arabs engage in suicide attacks."

Interviewing Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres, correspondent Leslie Stahl asked whether the U.S. effort in Afghanistan had simply deteriorated into a personal vendetta by George W. Bush against Osama Bin Laden. "I'm a public servant, not a psychologist," Peres replied, "but my dear friend George Bush, with whom I've shared many a falafel, is obviously obsessed with the individual, and this vengeful obsession is now counter-productive to the peace process.  Mr. Bin Laden is a religious man, and used to work in the American interest against the Soviets - he's obviously capable of peace. And, as we all know, he wasn't even present in the U.S. on September 11. I'm
afraid the 'terrorist' label is blinding my dear friend George Bush to the opportunities for peace in this region."

[In response, a Bush spokesperson issued the brief statement that the President had indeed enjoyed sharing falafel with his dear friend Shimon Peres, and that this obviously contradicted the latter's comment that the President was blind to peas.]

After interceding in a food fight in the Knesset dining room between Arab Members, Defense Minister Binyamin Ben-Eliezer was asked whether he supported the Prime Minister's ministrations. "Listen," he said, wiping some
hummus from his brow, "I'm an old soldier, and recognize peaceful people better than most. Despite what you see on the television, the Afghanis are a peaceful people. So are the more moderate elements of the Taliban. After
all, 'Islam' means 'peace'. America's sending troops thousands of miles simply to humiliate and inflict misery on these peaceful people is a
reckless military endeavor and, more important, does nothing to further the cause of peace. Indeed, it is more likely to provoke the militants. Prime Minister Sharon is correct - if America does not withdraw immediately, the
cycle of violence will continue to spiral out of control."

The Taliban remnant in Afghanistan seems to be paying attention to Sharon. There has not been a single shot fired against American troops - who continued their assault on suspected Taliban positions - in the twelve hours since the Prime Minister's directive.

But there is far from unanimity on Sharon's position within Israel. Prime Minister-wannabe Benjamin Netanyahu issued a counter-statement that Israel should continue to give America the green light to rout terrorism "by whatever means necessary." The reactionary hard-line right-wing former PM warned that "terror is an evil that knows not negotiation" and urged "my
good friend, President Bush, to stay the course."

Reached at his ranch in the Negev, Prime Minister Sharon was asked today whether he stands by his remarks of the previous night. "The situation speaks for itself. Aside from the incidents on September 11, there has been no terrorist activity in the U.S. And yet America seems intent on stirring up the pot in a very dangerous part of the world.  Not only are innocent lives being lost because of America's actions, but what if Pakistan, Iraq,
Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Egypt, Libya, Kuwait, or Berkeley, California get involved - it's a powder keg."

When challenged by what authority he would presume to order the U.S. to do anything, Sharon said that he answers to "a higher authority."

God?

"Well, Him, too, but I was referring to the Arab 'street', and, boy, are they meshugge!"

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- Forwarded by a GOP News & Views reader.  Original author unknown.  [NOTE: For you Palm Beach Democrats on the list, this is called "satire".  It didn't really happen.]

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- Forwarded by a GOP News & Views reader. Original author unknown. [red][NOTE: For you Palm Beach Democrats on the list, this is called "satire". It didn't really happen.][/red]