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Posted: 8/25/2004 10:39:14 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/25/2004 11:23:05 AM EST by EagleArmsHBAR]

IT REALLY STINKS
I am at work and that is not what I want to smell while surfing arfcom
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:40:25 AM EST
Sorry man... I've been ripping stinkies all day... don't know what it is...
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:40:48 AM EST
You didn't happen to get Indian food for lunch too did you?
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:41:20 AM EST


My bad....
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:41:21 AM EST
No poll?
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:43:11 AM EST
Stewing in your own vapors.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:44:51 AM EST
DID YOU MAKE THE BLOOZ FACE?

Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:45:00 AM EST
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and tast it?
Actually I prefer to smell my own farts versus my burps. You only rate burps as gross or not. But a fart has so many esoteric qualities that you have to at least use a 1 to 10 scale
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:45:02 AM EST
Whoever smelt it dealt it.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:53:04 AM EST

Originally Posted By ar50troll:
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and tast it?
Actually I prefer to smell my own farts versus my burps. You only rate burps as gross or not. But a fart has so many esoteric qualities that you have to at least use a 1 to 10 scale



I have to say, letting loose a 10 is empowering.

Doesn't do much in the love department tho...

- BUCC_Guy

(I know I've found the woman I'm going to marry when she dutch ovens me)
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:55:08 AM EST

Originally Posted By BUCC_Guy:

Originally Posted By ar50troll:
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and tast it?
Actually I prefer to smell my own farts versus my burps. You only rate burps as gross or not. But a fart has so many esoteric qualities that you have to at least use a 1 to 10 scale



I have to say, letting loose a 10 is empowering.

Doesn't do much in the love department tho...

- BUCC_Guy

(I know I've found the woman I'm going to marry when she dutch ovens me)



I like the SBD (Silent But Deadly) When it slow and lingers in the butt crack all hot and steamy. they usually have the rotten ham odor.

Now that's gross
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:55:21 AM EST
He who farts in Church sits in his own puew.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 10:56:16 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/25/2004 10:56:29 AM EST by ar50troll]

Originally Posted By Rem700PSS:
He who farts in Church sits in his own puew.



He who who stands on toilet, get high on pot.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:21:31 AM EST
UPDATE, SMELL IS GONE!!!!
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:30:19 AM EST


A couple weekends ago, I had stopped off at the local Best Borrow to browse their DVD's...

The night before I had some reheated Pizza Hut pizza for dinner. Reheated Pizza Hut always, always gives me death gas the next day. I'm talking like, the air comes out HOT and REALLY SMELLY. I really think I've melted vinyl-covered chairs by farting on them. What's worse is that it just SMELLS hot as well as feels hot. And this stuff sticks around, so every time one of those 10-second-long airpockets gets released, I gotta move away or I wind up suffocating on it. It's a truly evil pocket of gas that eminates from my bunghole after Pizza Hut day, let me tell you.

So, there I am, in the middle of the Action aisle, and I feel an airpocket about to burst. Being the sneaky devil I am, I've figured out how to let mass quantities of air escape without having my asscheeks flap like jello, so I just let this one slide on out, all quiet-like...takes a good 5 seconds to empty all the air out of my intestines. Of course, I now walk 3/4 of the way down the aisle to escape it.

RIGHT AFTER I let the air go, mid-move, one of the store helpers enters the aisle. He gets to where I was standing when I let it go...walks faster, past me...turns around.

Me, I'm playing dumb, like I didn't smell a damn thing (though by this point, hypoxia was about to set in because I wasn't going to breathe until I had fully escaped the contaminated area)...

The guy then literally shouts: "OH MY GOD!", grabs the nearest DVD he can reach, and starts waving it like a fan as he RUNS out of the aisle, and he ran though the stink to get out.

I beat feet out of the store about 5 minutes later. They didn't have any interesting movies in, and everyone was completly avoiding the Action aisle.

True story. Check the Best Buy in Paramus Fashion Center Mall if you don't believe me.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:33:18 AM EST
I have poker games weekly with a bunch of garlic eating Italians like myself, when winter comes and we can't play outside it gets kinda funky.

There is only so many of those damn airfreshners you can set around.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:34:42 AM EST
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:35:37 AM EST

Originally Posted By Evil_Ed:


A couple weekends ago, I had stopped off at the local Best Borrow to browse their DVD's...

The night before I had some reheated Pizza Hut pizza for dinner. Reheated Pizza Hut always, always gives me death gas the next day. I'm talking like, the air comes out HOT and REALLY SMELLY. I really think I've melted vinyl-covered chairs by farting on them. What's worse is that it just SMELLS hot as well as feels hot. And this stuff sticks around, so every time one of those 10-second-long airpockets gets released, I gotta move away or I wind up suffocating on it. It's a truly evil pocket of gas that eminates from my bunghole after Pizza Hut day, let me tell you.

So, there I am, in the middle of the Action aisle, and I feel an airpocket about to burst. Being the sneaky devil I am, I've figured out how to let mass quantities of air escape without having my asscheeks flap like jello, so I just let this one slide on out, all quiet-like...takes a good 5 seconds to empty all the air out of my intestines. Of course, I now walk 3/4 of the way down the aisle to escape it.

RIGHT AFTER I let the air go, mid-move, one of the store helpers enters the aisle. He gets to where I was standing when I let it go...walks faster, past me...turns around.

Me, I'm playing dumb, like I didn't smell a damn thing (though by this point, hypoxia was about to set in because I wasn't going to breathe until I had fully escaped the contaminated area)...

The guy then literally shouts: "OH MY GOD!", grabs the nearest DVD he can reach, and starts waving it like a fan as he RUNS out of the aisle, and he ran though the stink to get out.

I beat feet out of the store about 5 minutes later. They didn't have any interesting movies in, and everyone was completly avoiding the Action aisle.

True story. Check the Best Buy in Paramus Fashion Center Mall if you don't believe me.



laughing my f*cking ass off....
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:38:10 AM EST

Originally Posted By Evil_Ed:


A couple weekends ago, I had stopped off at the local Best Borrow to browse their DVD's...

The night before I had some reheated Pizza Hut pizza for dinner.
[SNIP]




HAHAH! Laying smoke like a destroyer!
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 11:43:26 AM EST
Dutch oven master here
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 12:09:46 PM EST

Originally Posted By painrx:
Dutch oven master here



me too

Link Posted: 8/25/2004 12:24:41 PM EST

Originally Posted By ar50troll:

Originally Posted By Rem700PSS:
He who farts in Church sits in his own puew.



He who who stands on toilet, get high on pot.

man locked in pantry has ass in jam
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 12:25:42 PM EST
Where do you guys all work that allow you to surf AR15.com during working hours? Break time or something?
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 12:43:51 PM EST
Good God! This has to be one of the funiest threads ever!

Several years ago, my wife and I were going to Wal-Mart for a few things. As soon as we entered the store,we had to walk past the service desk. We happened to know the lady working that day and stopped to chat with her for a few minutes. That is when I started feeling almost sick at my stomach for no reason at all. I kept trying to rush her along, but she kept telling me to hold on. BIG MISTAKE!! I finally managed to let loose of a silent but deadly fart that made the floor tiles curl up! My wife got a whiff and finally started trying to usher me along so she could get away from it! I decided to join in on the conversation and make HER have to wait for awhile! Talk about my ass getting chewed out afterwards!!! She chewed on me the rest of the night, but the look she gave me at the moment of the first "whiff" was priceless!!!!
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 12:48:20 PM EST

Where do you guys all work that allow you to surf AR15.com during working hours? Break time or something?


When phones arn't ringing I am surfing. I am in life insurance sales.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 12:56:47 PM EST
this thread is cracking me up.... kinda like when my wife tried to sneak one out in a busy store only to have our 4 yr old daughter yell "phew what is that smell... MOM did you fart?" my wife about died... I was too busy rolling on the ground laughing to be any help...

I was cruisin another forum and read this earlier.... it fits right in with this topic so I am gonna copy it over here.....

______
I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as to divert the embarrassment. Anyway, today after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. Mygirlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor. At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my girlfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.

How should I make this better?
_____________


I about died when I read that....
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 1:06:24 PM EST
[Last Edit: 8/25/2004 1:07:37 PM EST by bblake00]



Thanks to Oregon-AR qouted story I about pissed my pants.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 1:08:24 PM EST
Where can you vote about blaming the person next to you when you do fart? This works really well in a dark movie theater. You fart then you stand up and exclaim: Who farted then you move away. Takes the heat off you.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 1:10:41 PM EST
ARE YOU SURE IT AINT THE ISRAELIES AND THEIR NEW STINK BOMB, MAYBE A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE!!!!!!!
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 1:22:37 PM EST

Originally Posted By Oregon-AR:
this thread is cracking me up.... kinda like when my wife tried to sneak one out in a busy store only to have our 4 yr old daughter yell "phew what is that smell... MOM did you fart?" my wife about died... I was too busy rolling on the ground laughing to be any help...

I was cruisin another forum and read this earlier.... it fits right in with this topic so I am gonna copy it over here.....

______
I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as to divert the embarrassment. Anyway, today after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. Mygirlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor. At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my girlfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.

How should I make this better?
_____________


I about died when I read that....



Link Posted: 8/25/2004 2:41:08 PM EST
One time in Denny's myself, my wife and my brother were paying the bill. Actually, my wife was paying and my brother and I were behind her goofing around. Well after having the meat lover skillet my colon was very angry with me! I figured I could bust ass and no one would know, however, at the very moment I let go the whole fucking resturant decided to go silent. Low and behold I released about the most deafening fart I have ever heard. It was like bullet time in the matrix the way everything happened next. After regaining my senses from the concussion I soon realize the entire place was staring at me, my wife, the cashier, I think the chef even came to see what was happening. So I did the only thing I could to save face. I looked at my brother and said "aaahhh, dude what the hell" and baled out the door with him hot on my heals yelling "it wasnt me asshole" and my wife stuck to finish paying. It was awsome!
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 2:59:34 PM EST
I remember a long time ago in Jr high school the class was all quiet doing an assignment, and some girl sneezed, well the pressure must have been too much because part 2 of the sneeze was a huge fart. AAAAAACHHHOOOOO! BBBRERRRAAAPPPPP! the whole class lost it. She was a hottie and *in* with the cool crowd. She still was teased about all the way to highschool graduation.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 3:02:47 PM EST

Originally Posted By DeadSled:

Originally Posted By Oregon-AR:
this thread is cracking me up.... kinda like when my wife tried to sneak one out in a busy store only to have our 4 yr old daughter yell "phew what is that smell... MOM did you fart?" my wife about died... I was too busy rolling on the ground laughing to be any help...

I was cruisin another forum and read this earlier.... it fits right in with this topic so I am gonna copy it over here.....

______
I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as to divert the embarrassment. Anyway, today after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. Mygirlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor. At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my girlfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.

How should I make this better?
_____________


I about died when I read that....






Man! That story is just too damn funny! I can't stop laughing!



Link Posted: 8/25/2004 3:36:56 PM EST
KOOL WFART STORIES!!!!

About 8 years ago I had an incident that I thought was the end of my life! I had attented my wifes annual family get together which just so happens to be my favorite time of the year. My mother in law makes some mean ass chili, Korean style. Now, this tuff is as thick as roof tar and burns like napalm, GOD I LOVE IT SOOOO, and she knows this too.

Well on the way to the reunion my wife begins to beg me NOT to eat MOM's chili! She knows that it will be HELL in bed the comming night, so she beggs the whole way. We get there and just as I open the car door my MIL is waiting with my first helping! Now, she cooks this stuff in a cajun crab pot if you catch my drift. To shave some time off this, by the end of the day, I had eaten 8 bowls of chili and I was in severe pain! Couldnt walk, sweaten, little eruptions of vomit gurgling up ever few minutes, just sick off chili. I am not one to vomit, hate it, so I keep it down and it begins to DIGEST!!!!

Well, I ate so much that my stomach was about the size of 12lb water melon. The gas began to build and for some reason I could not fart! You could hear the gas rolling around in my gut and everyone was like "God, your still hungry, your stomach growling"!!! Anyway, I go to my wife in pain and beg for help as she preceeds to curse me good. So she lays me down on my back and trys to massage my stomach to see if I ill blow!! NOPE!

She drives us home that night and I continue to fill with gas! I felt like my skin was going to tear as my belly grew and grew! We stop at the midnight Pharmacy to get some stuff and nothing worked! Got home and I paced the halls for hours just hoping for a complete drop of my intestines on the floor. Around 4am in the morning all Hell broke loose! I ran into the bedroom bathroom while tearing my drawers off in mid flight, jumping onto the toliet with a lound crash. The tank explodes from the impact of ass and toliet seat just as I let the biggest fart of my life! tank water flowed all over the floor as the force of the fart blasted toilet water & napalm shit out over the rim under the seat and on to the walls. My wife jumped out of the bed as the thumping throbe of gas proceeded to assault the porcelin God! She began to laugh histericly when she relized it was my azz and not a 400 car train going though the house while I screamed in pain laced with relief in a torent of brown sludge. After deflation I had to go to the ER for two stitches. I had ripped my hole from the duress and strain not to mention the naplam.

To this day, I have not touched THE chili, quit cold turkey! My MIL thinks I hate her cooking now and I try to explain to her that I was onto her plot to kill me for the insurance money from the last incident. wife is happier now though, she does not have to worry about the covers being pulled over he head as I grin in fasicnation of relief at bedtime!
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 3:44:34 PM EST
We have an airlock system of doors at work to help aid the positive pressure.

Today I ripped a big loud one in the airlock. Somebody found out the hard way.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 4:26:05 PM EST

Originally Posted By USMINUTeMAN:
KOOL WFART STORIES!!!!


Snipped for brevity...



WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA­HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHAH

christ i just spit rum all over my monitor, rofl
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 4:33:31 PM EST

Originally Posted By Oregon-AR:
this thread is cracking me up.... kinda like when my wife tried to sneak one out in a busy store only to have our 4 yr old daughter yell "phew what is that smell... MOM did you fart?" my wife about died... I was too busy rolling on the ground laughing to be any help...

I was cruisin another forum and read this earlier.... it fits right in with this topic so I am gonna copy it over here.....

______
I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as to divert the embarrassment. Anyway, today after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. Mygirlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor. At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my girlfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.

How should I make this better?
_____________

Originally Posted By USMINUTeMAN
KOOL WFART STORIES!!!!

About 8 years ago I had an incident that I thought was the end of my life! I had attented my wifes annual family get together which just so happens to be my favorite time of the year. My mother in law makes some mean ass chili, Korean style. Now, this tuff is as thick as roof tar and burns like napalm, GOD I LOVE IT SOOOO, and she knows this too.

Well on the way to the reunion my wife begins to beg me NOT to eat MOM's chili! She knows that it will be HELL in bed the comming night, so she beggs the whole way. We get there and just as I open the car door my MIL is waiting with my first helping! Now, she cooks this stuff in a cajun crab pot if you catch my drift. To shave some time off this, by the end of the day, I had eaten 8 bowls of chili and I was in severe pain! Couldnt walk, sweaten, little eruptions of vomit gurgling up ever few minutes, just sick off chili. I am not one to vomit, hate it, so I keep it down and it begins to DIGEST!!!!

Well, I ate so much that my stomach was about the size of 12lb water melon. The gas began to build and for some reason I could not fart! You could hear the gas rolling around in my gut and everyone was like "God, your still hungry, your stomach growling"!!! Anyway, I go to my wife in pain and beg for help as she preceeds to curse me good. So she lays me down on my back and trys to massage my stomach to see if I ill blow!! NOPE!

She drives us home that night and I continue to fill with gas! I felt like my skin was going to tear as my belly grew and grew! We stop at the midnight Pharmacy to get some stuff and nothing worked! Got home and I paced the halls for hours just hoping for a complete drop of my intestines on the floor. Around 4am in the morning all Hell broke loose! I ran into the bedroom bathroom while tearing my drawers off in mid flight, jumping onto the toliet with a lound crash. The tank explodes from the impact of ass and toliet seat just as I let the biggest fart of my life! tank water flowed all over the floor as the force of the fart blasted toilet water & napalm shit out over the rim under the seat and on to the walls. My wife jumped out of the bed as the thumping throbe of gas proceeded to assault the porcelin God! She began to laugh histericly when she relized it was my azz and not a 400 car train going though the house while I screamed in pain laced with relief in a torent of brown sludge. After deflation I had to go to the ER for two stitches. I had ripped my hole from the duress and strain not to mention the naplam.

To this day, I have not touched THE chili, quit cold turkey! My MIL thinks I hate her cooking now and I try to explain to her that I was onto her plot to kill me for the insurance money from the last incident. wife is happier now though, she does not have to worry about the covers being pulled over he head as I grin in fasicnation of relief at bedtime!





Y'all owe me a new keyboard, remote control....and a new set of sinuses. Knob Creek hurts like a motherfucker when it explodes through your nose.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 4:35:14 PM EST
If the fart burns a bit, you know it is going to smell real good.

It is only sad when you don't have anyone to share it with.
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 4:42:42 PM EST
I don't consider them to be offensive , until it makes anyone who inhales it , want to brush their teeth
Link Posted: 8/25/2004 4:57:15 PM EST
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 2:21:38 AM EST

Originally Posted By USMINUTeMAN:
KOOL WFART STORIES!!!!

. The tank explodes from the impact of ass and toliet seat just as I let the biggest fart of my life! tank water flowed all over the floor as the force of the fart blasted toilet water & napalm shit out over the rim under the seat and on to the walls. My wife jumped out of the bed as the thumping throbe of gas proceeded to assault the porcelin God! She began to laugh histericly when she relized it was my azz and not a 400 car train going though the house while I screamed in pain laced with relief in a torent of brown sludge. After deflation I had to go to the ER for two stitches. I had ripped my hole from the duress and strain not to mention the naplam.
To this day, I have not touched THE chili, quit cold turkey! My MIL thinks I hate her cooking now and I try to explain to her that I was onto her plot to kill me for the insurance money from the last incident. wife is happier now though, she does not have to worry about the covers being pulled over he head as I grin in fasicnation of relief at bedtime!




Well er doc I'm gonna tell you one more time it was a turd what tore my ass. If you don't believe me look at the digital cam pix.
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 2:51:23 AM EST

Originally Posted By EagleArmsHBAR:
Where do you guys all work that allow you to surf AR15.com during working hours? Break time or something?



When phones arn't ringing I am surfing. I'z a police dispatcher for a college.
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 3:13:38 AM EST
I was on a surveillance detail some years ago with two other detectives. We were watching a building we believed to be a chop shop. It was very cold and we were in a Ford LTD II. For those that don't remember them, they were slightly bigger than a Ford Tempo. As the night wore on, we became hungry. One of our buddies running the district car was kind enough to go to the local WhiteCastle and get us two sacks of hamburgers (mighty whiteys). Sometime later, but not too much later, the massacre began. For those unlucky enough to not have a White Castle nearby, they serve greasy little onion-coated hamburgers that are known far and wide for producing some of the most toxic odors ever conjured up by a human being. Needless to say, we had to break off from the detail, as it was necessary to evacuate the car. At the time, two of us smoked and it would have resulted in a spectacular fireball had we lit up.
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 3:13:51 AM EST
A few years back we were camping with a bunch of buddies. After a day of drinking cheap beer and assaulting our guts with food designed to generate interesting reactions.

Well, FORTUNATELY I was in the other tent of one of my buddies that had a particularly bad reaction. So here I am, laying awake since it's hot as hell outside. All of a sudden I hear a "RRRIIIIIIIIPPPPP" and some snickering. Then another guy "Dude!!!! I mean DUDE!!! I can TASTE that".

Then the tent opened up and the victim ran out. Ever since it was known as "The Tasty Tent Fart".

Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:13:36 AM EST
OOOh i got plenty of fart stories but most escape me right now.

My sis does RIPPERS of farts. Man they are HUGE and SMELLY! She doesnt look like she could either! My farts are alot worse than hers though
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:19:44 AM EST
While in college, I figured out my most lethal combination. It took awhile to brew, but worked like a charm, every time.

Id get a king size meal at Burger King, with onion rings. The Onion Rings were the key. Then, we commenced drinking...probably around 12-16 bud lights (cans always worked best)

By 9 or 10 am the next morning, the trap was set. The first few times, I only tortured my roomate. I could actually wake him up, from a deep sleep, with the smell....something between burger king onions, and what youd smell if you stuck your head up....well yeah, you get the idea, bad.

On the 2nd attempt, me and a friend who knew what was going on, were watching my roomate closely. At the most opportune moment, I stood up, aimed properly, and let go a good 15-18 second explosion within 6" of his ear.

My roomate just about fell out of his chair running to the door....but stopped short....

4 of 5 of the next door neighbor sorority girls were standing in the door, in bikinis....wanting to know if we wanted to go the beach....except now, they were all about half bent over from gagging, running the opposite direction....all I could do was throw my arms into the air triumphuntly, and yell one of my favorite battle cries "I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!"

From that day on, I got free onion rings and bud light every time we hit burger king :)
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:29:54 AM EST
Here's a funny one.


Im waiting for the elevator in the lobby of my company that I work for. The doors open and I step into the cab. Whew!!!! Someone cut the cheese SOOOOOOO bad in the elevator that I had to get off it quick because I knew that if I rode the elevator down (im up 30 flights) someone was going to get on and think I farted. So I get off quickly and the CEO of the company walks into the lobby and I tell him not to get into the elevator because it smells bad, he just shrugs his shoulders and walks in and rides down. Im listening to the elevator shaft and I hear the elevator stopped on the floor below to pick someone up.


Later after lunch when the CEO return, he tells me that he should have listened to me not to get on, I asked him what happened.


he said, " The elevator picked up 3 beautiful girls and when they stepped in the cab, they screamed and jumped off the elevator and looked at me and said i was disgusting."



[rotf]

Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:30:12 AM EST

Originally Posted By Oregon-AR:
this thread is cracking me up.... kinda like when my wife tried to sneak one out in a busy store only to have our 4 yr old daughter yell "phew what is that smell... MOM did you fart?" my wife about died... I was too busy rolling on the ground laughing to be any help...

I was cruisin another forum and read this earlier.... it fits right in with this topic so I am gonna copy it over here.....

______
I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as to divert the embarrassment. Anyway, today after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. Mygirlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor. At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my girlfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.

How should I make this better?
_____________


I about died when I read that....




This is absolutely the funniest thing I have ever read in ARFCOM. without a doubt.
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:38:44 AM EST


maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=women_smell

I used to drink V8 with lunch, and would usually eat it in a friend's cubicle.

Us being men, and being in an enclosed room (only 4 cubes in it), we'd be somewhat freer with such crepitative diversions.

I have long had the ability to burp almost silently, but let out a considerable amount of gas - kinda like an oral SBD. So I would let out long, silent V8 burps in his cube.

He claimed that my V8 burps were worse than most farts.

<silent burp>
<10 seconds>
"Aw, man, quite burpin' in my cube!! Aw, man, that STINKS! You and your V8!"
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:45:59 AM EST

Originally Posted By JThompson:
If the fart burns a bit, you know it is going to smell real good.

It is only sad when you don't have anyone to share it with.



I know how you feel... When I feel a good one coming on, I'll run around trying to find a suitable victim. Get my ass right in their face and let'er rip! It's especially good when they aren't able to/or don't want to leave the area for some reason. Also, hide the lysol!

When nobody's around, the animals are fair game. They don't like it either... especially the cats.

I just get so depressed when no one is around to smell my beautiful creation. Mainly when I run and run and get there too late


The last time I was at Wal-mart, I had hot gas all day. And as I was wandering around, I started to let one go... but then I felt the gas stop and the liquid start. So I clenched my cheeks and squiggled (I had to walk very gay-like to hold it in) my way to the bathrooms, sat down and BLAST OFF!!! We have ignition!....My god did it stink to high heavens in there. Occasionally I would glance into the bowl to make sure I didn't shit my guts out, and by the time I was done there was no water visible and there was even a good layer above and across most of the water along with a mountain in the middle. You know how when you've got the Hershey squirts, you'll sit on the pot for some time, even if there's nothing coming out, just because you know there's more and that the second you stand up it's gonna move... Yeah, I was in there close to an hour. You know how when you get it bad enough that no matter how much you wipe, you don't seem to make any progress? That was this one. I filled that bowl up to the rim with TP. I didn't dare flush it.... The outcome would not be good. As I walked out of the bathroom, there was a older female Wal-mart worker standing there waiting to go in - mop, bucket, rags, everything she needed for my soon to be nasty mess was with her. I wasn't 15ft from that door before one of their greeters (40ft from me) yelled out to me with open arms "WELCOME TO WAL-MART!! "....(she was a hottie!).... I was quite embarrassed that everyone was talking about my doodie in the toilet while I was in there laying it out.

A few times while I was in there guys would open the door and make a comment to themselves such as "holy shit", "ooh god", "whoa!". The door stopped opening after the last one, and I suppose that's when the woman began standing there, turning people away.

The rest of my time in Wal-mart was spent thinking of how they were all gabbing over their radios to each other about my 'movement' in the bathroom. There were a lot of funny looks from the workers the rest of the time too... something I've never experienced there before.

I haven't been back since.
Link Posted: 8/26/2004 4:51:19 AM EST
[Last Edit: 8/26/2004 4:53:17 AM EST by StariVojnik]
I remember when I was a teenager and I was "LEG wrestling" with my cousins. Well we were on the floor and both our right legs were inter-twined. I finally with all my strength win the match by using all my power to pull him over and exactly at that moment I RRRRRRRIIIIPPPPPP a hot one right in his face in front of everyone. He starts screaming cause I blasted him right in the mug no more than 6 inches from it. I was laughing so hard that my leg tighten up and he couldn't free himself. HE was gagging and struggling to get away but my leg had him locked and was going no where. His younger brother was howling at him. He chased me all night around the house to exact his revenge. He never could top the blast I gave him. I owned him good.


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