Quoted: Where do you guys all work that allow you to surf AR15.com during working hours?  Break time or something?

Because I work for the state!  

Seriously, I love brewing one up right before I get off the elevator, right in time for the next unsuspecting passenger.  No escape... BWA HA HA!

Quoted: Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. I about died when I read that....

I have a rather earthy neighbor who came into the convenience store where we drink coffee every morning laughing his head off.
He was laying in bed with his wife that morning and looked up at the ceiling and dramatically pretended to spit a loogie straight up.
She screamed and pulled the covers over her head, and he held the covers down and ripped a huge fart under the covers.
She's a rather large girl, and bruised him up pretty well, but he said it was worth it.

This is the best thread ever.


Roffles!!111

Can't...stop...laughing...

Holy crap was that was a funny post!  My boss just walked by my office door and looked at me funny because I was sitting here roaring out loud at my computer screen.

 
 
 

Yes this is a funny thread! Yesterday my 16 yr old Daughter says to me, " Mom told me how you used to throw the covers over her head and fart." Brought back such fond memories!

A couple years back my dad was driving down the freeway in his work van one morning and sharted all of a sudden.  He said he almost wrecked trying to wipe and steer the van at the same time.

My best friend had a sneezing fit at work one day recently while he was sitting in his cube and crapped his pants so bad that he had to small-step to the restroom and throw away his underwear.  He told me he'd kill me if I ever told any one and I've been itching to tell someone so there it is.

speaking of wallmart, that is a great place to lay a fart ambush.  When you get those real hot ones and the store is not to busy, its fun to get in the middle of an isle and rip one then head to  the far end before someone enters from the other end.  Then turn the cart around and wait for someone to enter the far end as you study the shelves on the your end. About the time they hit the cloud start your advance down the isle.

Worst fart-attack I ever had was on the D train coming back from a Yankees game. I ate 3 bags of those un-shelled peanuts and they started kicking in around the 7th inning stretch.
The ride home was explosive, non stop farting even after my train stopped at Kings Highway in Brooklyn.
The farts stuck to high hell at first but became less stinky over time or I got used to it.

2nd worse fart-attack was during the Godzilla movie. I bought a bag of sugarfree candy that was actually pretty good. My wife and I ate a bunch and about halfway through the movie both of us had uncontrollable farts. When the movie was over and we were outside heading to the car we both let out a horrendous double barrel blast that got the guy behind us who had a good sense of humor and was laughing his ass off.

These are a few of my favorite things:

cabbage
sweet taters
eggplant
any eggs but especially DEVILED EGGS
buttermilk
brocolli
pinto beans
blackeyed peas
blue cheese

True fart building food.

Oh man, this is the funniest thread I've ever read!

Back in 6th grade, a friend was trying to hand back a pen to me that he has borrowed. Anyway, he dropped it between our desks in the aisle. So, I leaned over to pick it up. My butt is aimed directly at the guy sitting next to me, and I'd had gas all day (but I'm pretty good at holding it in). Anyway, this was the kind that you can almost hear, and it bubbles around inside your guts. So, as I lean over the rail they had on the right side of the desk, I rip this massive bomber right in the direction of this other guy. ( <--That's what everyone looked like.)The class got REAL quite, and I turned REAL red. But it felt so good to get it out, you know?

This has to be one of the greatest threads ever!

Watch out for the 'Skid Marks'!

BigDozer66

One of my fart stories:  My ex and I had gone out to dinner with some friend to an Afghani restaurant in Sunnyvale, CA….great food but they use a lot of yogurt in a dish called Mantu(Afghani Lasagna for lack of better description)….Problem is I’m lactose intolerant and it doesn’t take long for me to start producing what can only be described as a  death stench that qualifies as a WMD……I mean it’s so bad it rivals the smell of a bloated dead animal……..Well after dinner our friends decided they wanted to stop in the local Barnes & Noble book store on the way home.

My ex, her friend and her husband all took off in different directions as I walked over towards the history section near the magazine racks…all the while my stomach is churning and I can feel the mother of all farts brewing………..fearing discovery and not knowing if It’s going to be loud I walked over to an area where I thought no one was…….I ripped the nastiest yet quietist fart of my life…………………….little did I know that a guy was seated on a bench one row over, this fart was so bad I had to walk away or risk choking to death ….as I walked two rows over I noticed the guy sitting on the bench starting to gag….he got up and started to walk away from the bench he was sitting on…….I’m starting to laugh trying not to call attention to myself for fear of getting caught.  As the guy is walking away this lady in her 50’s walks towards the guy and  starts fanning the magazine she has in her hands and very loudly says “ Jesus Christ  man, next time use the bathroom, I came here to relax and read a magazine not inhale your shit”…….at this point I turned around and walked away as fast as I could because I was laughing so hard I was crying………I meet up with my ex who was standing at the check out counter, she wanted to know what was so funny so I told her what had happened.  As we were waiting to check out the lady who had yelled at the guy was walking out of the store with her friend talking about that this “asshole” who had shit his pants over in the magazine area……….

I just had Tamales for lunch.

It's gonna be bad in a little while!

BigDozer66

Quoted: I just had Tamales for lunch. It's gonna be bad in a little while! BigDozer66

Better open the windows on that big dozer, Bigdozer.

Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow.

Quoted: Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow.

You can blow your O-ring!

Indian food on Wednesday... I survived the hypercolonic evacuation.

Today, we all headed to "shityourself" Skyline Chili... a Cincinnati hometown favorite for some coney dogs and 4-way chili spaghetti.

The commute home with the wife should be very interesting.

Quoted: Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow.

Yup, we call it torking.  A friend of mine torked and it went back up her pants.  The butt of her jeans caught fire.  It's all on videotape.

Quoted: Quoted: Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow. Yup, we call it torking.  A friend of mine torked and it went back up her pants.  The butt of her jeans caught fire.  It's all on videotape.

this comment is worthless without links

Back in my youth I was partying with some friends, one of whom had his girlfriend with him. She had a bit to much to drink and was getting sick. So we opened the van door and she got down on the floor on all fours and started to barf and ripped a big ole loud fart at the same time. From then on she was known as barf n fart.

Quoted: Where do you guys all work that allow you to surf AR15.com during working hours?  Break time or something?

I work fo the public school system.

Somebody's tax dollars are paying me to surf.

Av.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow. Yup, we call it torking.  A friend of mine torked and it went back up her pants.  The butt of her jeans caught fire.  It's all on videotape. this comment is worthless without links

Sorry, that videotape's not in my possession.  I would love to show it off.

I AM THE INTERNET LAW. NO PACKET ENTERS OR LEAVES THIS NETWORK EXCEPT THROUGH ME.

Quoted: I AM THE INTERNET LAW. NO PACKET ENTERS OR LEAVES THIS NETWORK EXCEPT THROUGH ME.

+1

I love to fart at work, I will walk in back and rip one on my way through, then listen to everyone complainhis
But the best has to be farting on an airplane I was coming home from texas and there was a baby in front of me that wouldnt stop crying...this went on for over an hour. So I decided to give the little bastard something to cry about.  Some of these farts were so bad, I wanted to get up and leave, now dont get me wrong I like my own, but damn! It didnt shut the kid up but I felt great.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow. Yup, we call it torking.  A friend of mine torked and it went back up her pants.  The butt of her jeans caught fire.  It's all on videotape. this comment is worthless without links Sorry, that videotape's not in my possession.  I would love to show it off.

Maybe this guy knows your friend...

Quoted: Maybe this guy knows your friend...

No buttsex for him tonight.

I ripped a nasty one last night while surfing the web.  I actually had to get up and walk away from the computer that it smelled so bad.

If I ever have one that bad again, I'd probably just crawl up into the fetal position on the ground and cry.

I just left the Men's Room in a green fog.

My Skyline Chili coney dogs moved through me at rocket speed.

I got out before the next guy came into the facility, so he didn't know who the perp was. He propped open the door when he left. I can see the door from the eye in the sky.

Quoted: I love to fart at work, I will walk in back and rip one on my way through, then listen to everyone complain.  Man this one time I was at a baseball game with a buddy from work and I swear I almost cleared a section. As soon as it let go these girls like two rows up started gaging, then turned and looked at us, I was calm but my buddie's face was bright red...we blamed it on the fat guy with the cell phone at the end of our row...man that was great. But the best has to be farting on an airplane I was coming home from texas and there was a baby in front of me that wouldnt stop crying...this went on for over an hour. So I decided to give the little bastard something to cry about.  Some of these farts were so bad, I wanted to get up and leave, now dont get me wrong I like my own, but damn! It didnt shut the kid up but I felt great.

Dude that fart was NASTY. I'm suprized the chicks infront of us didn't pass out. I never knew that something that smelled that bad could come from a human body. What a way to hit on them man! I'm goin to the game tonite, I'll be sure to drop a big stinky for you. Remember when Brandon worked for us? He was the absolute fart king. It had to have been from all of the beer that he drank.

Top Secret Ladies Bathroom Information:

Did you guys know that for a some girls to take a shit in a public bathroom can take up to an hour? Now I know what you're thinking..."Bite the fucking bullet and squeeze it out," but this is not what takes all the time. It is a waiting game. Girls will wait for everyone else in the bathroom to leave, before taking a shit, so as not to face the embarrasment. It can take forever!! Just as the girl in the next stall is finishing up, flushing the toilet, washing her hands, fixing her makeup, the girl waiting will think, "finally the coast is clear!" Then someone else will walk in, and the waiting begins all over again. Sometimes we just plain give up and decide to hold it until later. Then there are the brave girls that try to squeeze it out when they hear a toilet flushing to mask the sound, this generally does not work. Not to mention the fact that they will smell it.  

Oh, and this is THE funniest thread I have EVER read! Props!

Quoted: Top Secret Ladies Bathroom Information: Did you guys know that for a some girls to take a shit in a public bathroom can take up to an hour? Now I know what you're thinking..."Bite the fucking bullet and squeeze it out," but this is not what takes all the time. It is a waiting game. Girls will wait for everyone else in the bathroom to leave, before taking a shit, so as not to face the embarrasment. It can take forever!! Just as the girl in the next stall is finishing up, flushing the toilet, washing her hands, fixing her makeup, the girl waiting will think, "finally the coast is clear!" Then someone else will walk in, and the waiting begins all over again. Sometimes we just plain give up and decide to hold it until later. Then there are the brave girls that try to squeeze it out when they hear a toilet flushing to mask the sound, this generally does not work. Not to mention the fact that they will smell it.   Oh, and this is THE funniest thread I have EVER read! Props!

I guess no one told yall girls that when you close the door on the stall you are cloaked like a klingon cloaking device.

If you sit the throne for an hour and the grippers want let it go then a turd wasn't ready anyway.

If it must be empty to dump I suggest chanting to the porcelain god that ought to clear the rest of the stalls

Quoted: Quoted: Have you ever seen someone light a fart?  One of my high school buds was awesome at it.  We found out recently that it can kill you if there's a reverse flow. Yup, we call it torking.  A friend of mine torked and it went back up her pants.  The butt of her jeans caught fire.  It's all on videotape.

We call it a "Blue Angel".  

Quoted: Top Secret Ladies Bathroom Information: Did you guys know that for a some girls to take a shit in a public bathroom can take up to an hour? Now I know what you're thinking..."Bite the fucking bullet and squeeze it out," but this is not what takes all the time. It is a waiting game. Girls will wait for everyone else in the bathroom to leave, before taking a shit, so as not to face the embarrasment. It can take forever!! Just as the girl in the next stall is finishing up, flushing the toilet, washing her hands, fixing her makeup, the girl waiting will think, "finally the coast is clear!" Then someone else will walk in, and the waiting begins all over again. Sometimes we just plain give up and decide to hold it until later. Then there are the brave girls that try to squeeze it out when they hear a toilet flushing to mask the sound, this generally does not work. Not to mention the fact that they will smell it.   Oh, and this is THE funniest thread I have EVER read! Props!

Oh, man.  One of my friends own't even take a piss unless the whole place is cleared out.

I'm at the point where if I need to shit, I do what I gotta do.  Girls need to crap too, ya know.

The only time it ever bothered me was when a chick would take a fatass dump in the girl's locker room.  There's no fuicking ventilation in those places!  It lingers!

in high school my buddies and i made a game out of shitting in the girls bathroom. the only problem was not getting caught as you exited.

Quoted: Quoted: Top Secret Ladies Bathroom Information: Did you guys know that for a some girls to take a shit in a public bathroom can take up to an hour? Now I know what you're thinking..."Bite the fucking bullet and squeeze it out," but this is not what takes all the time. It is a waiting game. Girls will wait for everyone else in the bathroom to leave, before taking a shit, so as not to face the embarrasment. It can take forever!! Just as the girl in the next stall is finishing up, flushing the toilet, washing her hands, fixing her makeup, the girl waiting will think, "finally the coast is clear!" Then someone else will walk in, and the waiting begins all over again. Sometimes we just plain give up and decide to hold it until later. Then there are the brave girls that try to squeeze it out when they hear a toilet flushing to mask the sound, this generally does not work. Not to mention the fact that they will smell it.   Oh, and this is THE funniest thread I have EVER read! Props! Oh, man.  One of my friends own't even take a piss unless the whole place is cleared out. I'm at the point where if I need to shit, I do what I gotta do.  Girls need to crap too, ya know. The only time it ever bothered me was when a chick would take a fatass dump in the girl's locker room.  There's no fuicking ventilation in those places!  It lingers!

Oh, god.

I had a female roomate (close friend, still is)...she wasn't horribly bashful about using the crapper, but she added an affectation to my bathroom that had never before (or since) been in any place I've lived: Air Freshner. I'd always go in, wonder WTF that can of popurri scented chemical air cleaner was doing there, shrug, and use the facilities.

I found out why she bought it about 4 days after I first noticed it.

HOLY COW. I don't know WTF she ate, but man, she layed an atomic turd in that toilet, I swear to GOD. That thing stank for 3 days AFTER she flushed it. It like chemically bonded with the porcelin in the toilet or something. I mean, it was NASTY. No amount of air freshner could hide that monster. It permeated the apartment before she even opened the bathroom door, that's how bad it was.

Hell, I know guys who ask their GF's to take a shower, or at least change their panties, after they fart...but this was just too much for me Even my turds didn't stink that bad!