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10/20/2017 1:01:18 AM
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 8/9/2005 1:45:23 PM EDT
I am 20 years old and in college with alot ahead of me and I keep having urges to get married and have children. Is this normal for all women to feel the same thing at such a young age? I have been in a relationship with a great guy for 5 years but he insist he isnt ready to take any of those leaps. I know its not smart to do any of this before I graduate from college but it is always in my head.

I would like to know if any of you have experianced this and how you may have handled it.
Link Posted: 8/9/2005 2:45:26 PM EDT
Yes, it is normal. We are a lot like most 'animals' in that we have natural instincts and urges. Of course we also have the ability to reason to control those urges and instincts unlike our animals friends.

My advice is to put your nurturing desire to use productively. Volunteer at your local hospital to hold newborns or netal natal babies. Help in a day care, sign up for Big Sisters, volunteer at your Y.

Try not to let yourself think you're missing out on something, think of it more as an investment towards the life you'll have when its time to have children. And lastly and probably most importantly, enjoy being a kid [no offense meant by calling you a kid]. I've been a parent now for 16 years [17 if you count being preggo] and I would love a break. I love my kids to bits but there's nothing to prepare you for the full time job that never ends.

Best of luck to you. Patty
Link Posted: 8/9/2005 3:01:17 PM EDT
I've been there. I'm only 23 right now, but I understand. I've seen all my friends get married. They became engaged during college or immediately after. I'm pretty much the lone single in my pack of gals, and it isn't easy. I feel like a diseased cripple sometimes in their presence.

I had those urges, and let me tell you this: you are still growing as a person, and so is your guy. Enjoy these years for what they are worth--freedom, less responsibilities, and figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Marriage can be a part of that, but wait for now.

Be patient--marriage and children will come, but with them come stressors. Twenty is too young to take on those responsibilities. If your guy is the one you'll marry, it will happen eventually, and when both of you are ready.
Link Posted: 8/9/2005 5:50:30 PM EDT
Listen to what the others have said. My situation was different. My husband was 20 and I was 23 when we got married. We were both in the Army and worked together. We are still married and have been for almost 22 years. We had our son when we were 23 and 26. We had three years as being a couple before he came along. We always knew that I would be a stay at home mom and I was, but you also have to sacrifice to do that. I don't regret a day of it,but marriage and kids do not come with instruction. Figure out what you want to do. Finish college and enjoy these times. You'll never get them back once you're married and have kids.
Link Posted: 8/9/2005 5:57:15 PM EDT
Thanks everyone for answering my question seriously and giving good advice. I agree with what all of you have said and will diffinetly put it to good use.

Link Posted: 8/9/2005 6:30:16 PM EDT

Originally Posted By BeautifulStranger:
Thanks everyone for answering my question seriously and giving good advice. I agree with what all of you have said and will diffinetly put it to good use.




You're quite welcome. I understand how you feel. And like Patty said--don't spend time thinking that you're missing out on something. While my friends have started families, I find I have more time for my interests and can develop myself so I am a better wife and parent someday.
Link Posted: 8/9/2005 6:39:26 PM EDT
I have been in love a couple times and once thought I wanted to marry someone. Looking back I realize I was just blinded by love and I dont think I really knew what I wanted. Three years later I still dont know but I have a better idea Im glad Ive had some tough breakups though so I know what works and what doesnt.

Link Posted: 8/9/2005 8:10:24 PM EDT
Married at 22. Never had a 'biological' desire to have children. While I love my son, I don't think I'd have made a good mother at 22, but my mother made an excellent mother at 21. Perhaps, some of us just bloom later. Perhaps, it's because she was raised around younger children.

Consider though that right now, you are seeking for the future father of your children. You will love your children like you've never loved anyone before, including their father, so be sure that whoever you pick will be a good father whether or not your infatuation with each other matures into love. That means morals, good work ethic (should I duck?), sweet loving nature, and a sense of partnership... not boy toys or sugar daddies...
Link Posted: 8/9/2005 11:50:15 PM EDT
Or, to put it another way, don't buy furniture for the house before its built.

The important issue for you, for all young women, is to get your life in order.....work, go to school, enjoy a career, do whatever it is in a personal way that satisfies you. In achieving that process, you will likely meet men and date. When a good man (not boy, man) comes along, and a stable, healthy relationship presents itself, then you can start culturing your desire to have a family.

Do not, for the sake of the world, try to short-circuit this process.
Link Posted: 8/10/2005 12:00:12 AM EDT

Originally Posted By swingset:
Or, to put it another way, don't buy furniture for the house before its built.

The important issue for you, for all young women, is to get your life in order.....work, go to school, enjoy a career, do whatever it is in a personal way that satisfies you. In achieving that process, you will likely meet men and date. When a good man (not boy, man) comes along, and a stable, healthy relationship presents itself, then you can start culturing your desire to have a family.

Do not, for the sake of the world, try to short-circuit this process.



why not I bought mags for guns I didnt own at the time
but seriously though he makes a good point um actually im just a little older than you got my head on straight and financially well off and am looking to be a husband/daddy what say you
Link Posted: 8/10/2005 4:59:53 AM EDT
Alot of women find themselves getting the "marrying urge" about your age. Lots of your friends may be getting married, and they're all very excited, and making plans for the wedding, maybe buying a house, or getting a new place to live with their fiancee. I've been there. It all looks so fun and exciting. I made a mistake with my first marriage (I had my son from that marriage, so it wasn't all bad), but I was too young, not ENOUGH in love, and rushed things. We were married for 7 years, and although alot of it was good, there was alot that wasn't.

Trust your feelings, not your urges. Stay single and enjoy it. You'll be glad you did, and try to make new friends that are single. You'll have the time of your life!
Link Posted: 8/10/2005 5:26:11 AM EDT
I think it's an instinctual thing. Wouldn't suprise me at all if it happens to every woman at some point. Some might get that "urge" earlier than others, but I think it comes along sooner or later for all of you. I don't think you can safely judge your own experience by when it hit the others though.

There's really no "easy" answer either. While for some getting married and starting a family early was a "bad" choice, some make it look easy and enjoy it. It really all depends on you.

I've met both kinds. Those who regret it with all their heart and those who wouldn't trade it for the world. You have to take a good look at yourself and decide what's right for you.

Actually, that goes for guys too. Some are cut out to be "the family guy." Some aren't.

I will offer this advice though. If you want a career, especially a time demanding career, then wait. Once you start a family, you can't just shut it off. It's a life long deal.
Link Posted: 8/10/2005 6:40:58 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/10/2005 6:41:25 AM EDT by PlaymoreMinds]
Married at 20 (my childhood sweetheart) kids at 30 (hey...I wasn't CRAZY!)
I love my husband...But I DO wish I had grown up a bit and did more with my life before marriage. We grew up together (which is good) but sometimes it feels like we've got no personal experiences to bring to the table that the other wasn't already there for, you know?
On the kid thing: wait as long as possible. I don't care what anyone tells you: kids change YOU they change your relationship and they change your life...for the good and for the uncomfortable.
Decisions you made with ease will no longer be easy...everything is kid first you and your spouse second: and THAT's a tough thing to do in your 20's...
Link Posted: 8/10/2005 7:58:25 AM EDT
If you're going to have kids, wait a while. There is a huge difference in outlook between 20 and 28. I wouldn't have thought so, but there is. And make sure YOU really really want kids for yourself. Not because your parent's give you the "When are you going to give us a grandkid?" speech.

28, married to my high school sweetheart. No kids (and I have informed my family that there will BE no kids) Just make sure you have a stable relationship first. That's the important thing. Life is hard, and sometimes people get pissy. You have to be sure that the person you decide to spend your life with can tolerate you when you're pissy, and that you can tolerate them when they're pissy. Takes a bit of work on the behalf of BOTH parties to get over the rough patches.


GT
(my wife was only mad at me for 2 weeks when I went to the bike shop for brake pads, and came home with a new bike.)
Link Posted: 8/10/2005 9:27:54 AM EDT
It's what you are suppossed to be doing.

The problem is that you live in a society that has convinced you that motherhood and being a good wife is somehow a bad thing.

Sgat1r5
Link Posted: 8/11/2005 7:03:50 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/11/2005 7:11:29 AM EDT
Link Posted: 8/12/2005 8:15:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By sgtar15:
It's what you are suppossed to be doing.

The problem is that you live in a society that has convinced you that motherhood and being a good wife is somehow a bad thing.

Sgat1r5




+5000

* standing ovulation *

Link Posted: 8/15/2005 1:17:38 PM EDT

Originally Posted By BeautifulStranger:
I am 20 years old and in college with alot ahead of me and I keep having urges to get married and have children. Is this normal for all women to feel the same thing at such a young age? I have been in a relationship with a great guy for 5 years but he insist he isnt ready to take any of those leaps. I know its not smart to do any of this before I graduate from college but it is always in my head.

I would like to know if any of you have experianced this and how you may have handled it.



Well, our situations are VERY different, (I'm a lesbian) but, the "urge" to "settle down" (with another woman) has been there since I was quite young... like 16-17... I'm actually GLAD I did NOT when I was younger - lots of reasons, the MAIN one being that your (mine, everyone's) personality isn't "set" until about 30 years old. Then I fell VERY ill (MS) and that, IMO wouldn't have been "fair" to a "S.O.". imo... ommv. NOW that I have it figured out, I plan on attending college, so it's STILL a "bad" time... do I STILL have that "urge"... yeah, but it doesn't RULE me.... influence, sure...

It's just that my little sister (31 this November) has watched as 90% of her classmates (HS) settled down early, got married and subsequently divorced (1-7 years later). I think she's NOW glad she didn't also follow suit, however soon her "biological" clock is going to be ticking ....

Good luck.
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